god was a weapon

[Guest guest]

I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to this. 

My parents were (and presumably still are) Christian fundamentalists and their

religious beliefs were the major platform through which their abuse was

justified and communicated.  Nothing against a fundamentalist way of looking

things, but it meant, in our family, that it wasn't just nada who thought in

black and white terms or believed that I should feel deeply ashamed of who I

was.  God agreed and there was general consensus that this was what God thought

by other church members and by our members.  Much of her bpd thinking and

shame-based mentality was told to me, not in the middle of a rage or a

dysregulated breakdown, but in church and the presumption, under those

conditions, was really that everyone else agreed with her (and they probably

did).  We attended church 3 times a week, so I heard it a lot.  Much of her

dysfunctional thinking was echoed by our ministers.  This gave it an air of

authority and made it less the singular ravings of a

crazy person, and more something objectively and rationally so. 

It wasn't just my nada who thought I was bad, but God thought so, too.  In fact,

God thought we were all bad and the best thing to do about this was to feel

endlessly and interminably ashamed of oneself and, although there wasn't much

chance of ever being good since badness was at the very core of our natures,

feeling bad could save you from an eternity of punishment for being bad (a

condition that wasn't your fault in the first place).  That was the basic

message: you are in bad--in fact, everyone is bad--and you should feel as bad

about this possible.

I don't believe that and haven't believed it in a long time, but I'm only now

starting to realize how much more deeply this made the abuse penetrate into my

psyche.

Ashana

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