going home

[Guest guest]

A good friend of mine recently sent me pictures of her vacation. We grew up

together and both moved away, but she goes back to see her family several times

a year. I looked at the pictures and there was a deep sense of remorse.

I moved away over 10 years ago to escape. I always said I didn't want to leave,

but I had to because it was for work, but it wasn't. It was to get the hell away

from nada. For years I've convinced myself I had to leave because jobs in my

field were scarce in that area. I've finally given myself permission to be

honest with myself. I didn't want to leave, but I had to for my sanity. Now I

see my friends moving back or those who stayed and I'm angry. I want to go back.

I want to visit and part of me wants to move back, but I won't and can't because

nada is there and there is so much pain associated with " home " . It was never

home, though nada still says " when are you coming home? " which angers me.

Any of the visits I made over the years were not because I wanted to go back. I

was summoned, bullied, guilted and manipulated into going. Each summer holiday,

Christmas and Easter I went as commanded. I never went for more than a week. I

always had an excuse to shorten the trip. Times I tried not to go, I was beaten

down until I always gave in. When I said I didn't have the money, they bought

the ticket. I would be terrified and anxious for days before I left. I would

dread seeing them and we'd have to pretend we were the happy family who missed

each other. I was expected to do everything they wanted while I was there. I

couldn't escape them. I didn't sleep when I was there and I counted the hours

each day until I could leave. It was hell. Then they'd bring me to the airport

and it would be very uncomfortable and incredibly sad. I'd cry the whole way

home on the plane because I was so angry, hurt and confused. It would take me

weeks to recover and I'd dread the next holiday when I'd have to go again. I

didn't realize it at the time, but the emotions were grief. I knew in my heart

the reality of the situation, but I could not deal with it then. It wasn't the

time. This went on year after year, even the first few years I was married.

I feel like the only way I will ever completely heal is to set foot on the land

I grew up in and to spend time there working on me. (Different country from

where I live now.) I'd like to go back, but " she " is still there. I don't want

to wait until she's dead, but I feel like I can never go back until she is. It

has nothing to do with visiting nada. I wouldn't. Nor would I go anywhere near

the house I grew up in. It is more about healing and being there on my terms

because I want to be there, not because of FOG.

As for nada's house, I have already discussed it with hubby and when she dies,

the estate will be sold as is. I want nothing from that house except for my

grandmother's things, which despite the fact nada hated the woman; she will not

give them to me. I am at a loss of what to do. Part of me says just go, take the

time off work and do what I have to do to help me heal. I feel like I have to go

full circle and return in order to truly find out who I am. The other part of me

is scared of what I will unleash.

Abby