Uncomfortable Encounter with an ACA member

[Guest guest]

Interesting day at ACA. There is someone who attends the Thursday and Monday

night meetings who has been approaching me after the general sharing, and asking

me to call him.

Basically, I can read through the lines. He wants something more.

I am the only one he pinpoints about the calling thing. He found out I went out

for coffee with a woman from ACA and he had a beef. He said, " you hang out with

her?? " He didn't say it within ear shot of the woman luckily. He then said,

" Joy, I live in (city name). You should call me. You like art. I like it to, you

could rub off on me. Call me--I don't bite. "

I'm really getting bored of this. I'm trying to keep some integrity in these

posts, but I'm starting to get PO'ed at getting " help me, mend me " from all

sides: my family, and now from someone at my ACA group! "

He also said that he liked my 'share' during my general share when I talked

about learning to listen to my anxiety, and listening to my critical voice; and

asked how I learned to do that. I told him I didn't really know. He said, " What?

You thought of it on your own. you had to have learned it from somewhere like

these meetings or with a therapist. "

I told him it was a possibility I may have read it somewhere, and ingrained it

without realizing it, but don't really know. I read a lot.

He then changed the subject, and asked why I didn't call him yet. I told him I

just haven't gotten on top of the calling thing with anyone in the meetings. He

then asked if I got lonely. I told him I guess not so far. I've been pretty busy

with work and these meetings.

He then changed the subject to his manic depression and asked if I've ever been

diagnosed with clinical depression. I told him once while I was living with my

Mom. I told him I didn't have it after awhile. He said, " Then they diagnosed you

wrong. You can't just lose it. " I told him I agreed, and that might have been

why I stopped taking it. I just had a feeling I didn't need it.

He then said, " What? Are you an alien or something? "

I said, " What do you mean? "

Well, first you learned how to do something that normally takes years of therapy

and deep insight by questioning your anxiety; and you also just knew you didn't

need to take medication?

I said, " I think it was because I felt it wasn't helping me, even past the time

it was supposed to have already helped. So, I just stopped taking them even

though the prescription was being refilled constantly by my mother. I would just

hide it. "

He said, " Well, you should have sold it for money. Mine cost $2 per pill because

its so powerful. "

He then proceeded to throw his cigarette in the bushes and said, " see, I'm a bad

boy. " Then, he stared at me as if he expected a reaction.

It was so obvious I just, well, shrugged. lol. Didn't know what else to do. The

conversation was so weird. I started to say something, but I don't remember what

it was I was going to say, and then he cut me off again, while apologizing for

doing so, and continued to say that he ruined his shoes earlier by stepping in

oil.

He then said, " well, I have to use the bathroom, so I gotta go. But, call me! "

.....whew. I was so glad that he left. I feel that every time he approaches to

talk to me. I wish he would ask all the male ACA members about calling him.

Plus, when he speaks with me, he turns his body a certain way: always away from

the general crowd and it makes it difficult for me to hone in on the other

conversations which suck.

Plus, I didn't like his alien comment. Maybe I am an alien. So what. I don't

know, maybe I'm being too sensitive, but his tone at the delivery put me off. In

a way, we are all aliens if you look at it a certain way. I believe our higher

power made or 'gave' if you will, this Earth or world. We are the inhabitants

but we are only here for a transient amount of time. Lol. Anyhow, this is just

how I see it. Of course, I would never argue this with him because then he'd

stay longer! Philosophy would be a no-no subject for this type of encounter.

I spoke with some other ACA members about him that were in the vicinity. They

said they already heard it, and it hasn't been the first time one of the ladies

felt uncomfortable with his advances in the 'name of ACA'. Someone who has known

him via ACA for years told me to start practicing setting my boundaries with

him. They said he would stop after I did this once or twice. They also said

don't worry, he's just trying to manipulate you.

I thought, this is hard. I'm petrified of my Mom and she's the supreme

manipulator.

They told me that if he asks me again why I don't call him, just ask,

" Why? " ...then, if he says a reason for it, just say, " Oh, I don't feel like it. "

I was scared at first, but then realized that I need to practice my

assertiveness training anyway, and I can also put a positive light on this

situation. To practice setting boundaries if he approaches again.

I also was considering why it bothered me so much when he asked if I was an

alien, and that I had to have gotten the thoughts thing from somewhere. I

honestly don't know where I got it, and not knowing off the top of my head made

me wonder if I was strange. I think I must have gotten it somewhere...but I

forgot. It kinda just happened. Other times I have trouble doing it, and I just

feel anxious.

It seems like he's PO'ed because he sees me drifting away to other people, and

getting better. I could be wrong, but that's what my accumulative conclusion is

to his odd comments. Maybe he's abusive. I know in the meetings, he curses a lot

during his shares. He also has put down the ACA program for being ineffective in

one meeting, and he has also complained about how he feels everyone is judging

him at the meetings. He also says he feels like he's losing his mind these days,

and he has extreme jealousy because the woman he was dating left just like all

the other women he's dated. He's called me once, but it was to complain about

the program, and about one of the ACA members that most other members have a

great deal of respect for.

I won't say anything else. I don't want to say too many details to break any

confidentiality that might dishonor the ACA code.

Lastly, I suppose it's a compliment that he is getting PO'ed that I'm getting

better. Like a backwards strange dysfunctional comment. Kind of like when my BPD

Nada was more volatile with my growing independence before I moved out. Strange.

I suppose if I can turn an interaction like this into a compliment, maybe I am

an alien. lol.

-Joy