Claudine

[Guest guest]

Claudine,

The bottom line is are you happyy and does the relationship meet your needs?  It

sounds like you were very young when you met him and there were probably a lot

of things you didn't know.  It's okay and understandable if you simply made a

mistake in creating a relationship with him and it's just not going to work for

you.

There is an implication when he says, " You can't deal with who I am. "   He isn't

just stating the truth.  He is also implying that you SHOULD be able to deal

with who he is.  But there is no " should " about it.  You don't have to be able

to deal with him.  You can be understanding and see the benefits of a poly

lifestyle and simply have it not meet your needs.  You can't reasonably expect

him to change if it's that important to him, but you also cannot expect yourself

to change so much that those needs it does not meet simply go away.  You are who

you are, and there are things aout you that are amenable to change, but there

are core things about you that cannot change.  And you can also decide that the

things you can are able to change about yourself are things you like and you

simply don't want to change.  If you're a leopard, you can't change your

spots--and maybe you don't even want to.

The other question is whether being involved with an alcoholic--which he clearly

is--meet your needs?  The recovery process is long and difficult and he hasn't

even started in it, and shows no particular signs of wanting to start.  Do you

want someone to be at the very core of your life who is first of all married to

a substance?  Because, even if he has cut down, anyone with an addiction is

always married to that addiction first and foremost.  All other loyalties are

secondary.

You don't even have to deserve more.  You can simply want more.  You won't get

it from him, but as long as you settle for less, that is all that you'll get. 

There will be no room in your life for what you truly want.  I suspect there may

be a lot more issues going below the surface of the first two, but I also think

those two are quite enough to consider.

The physical violence is a deep concern.  How do you feel about being with

someone who believes it is acceptable to harm someone else just because they are

unhappy with the other person at that moment?  I don't care how much having a

bpd mother has damaged you psychologically, nothing would cause me to feel it's

okay to hit you and nothing you might do would cause me to say that.  If you

did, I would have a very hard time living with myself for it.  I would know I

had put myself in a situation I could not handle, and that it was my choice to

be in it and therefore my responsiblity.

From your post, it seems clear that actually you are not at all to blame, and it

is entirely his issue.  However, I know that that can be a hard perspective to

see things from in the position where you are, so I'd like to suggest another

viewpoint.  Having grown up in a family where everyone is disordered (except me)

what I've realized is that it is possible for everyone in a family or

relationship to be " crazy " as you say.  A problem does not have to be a problem

caused by one person.  A problem can be caused by everyone, which means that

everyone has to be willing and invested in solving it.  If even one person is

not interested in solving it, then it cannot be solved.  In other words, even if

the problem is not just you, but is both of you, then both of you have to want

to solve it and he clearly does not.  Your part in things does not really much

matter then, because a part of it remains permanently outside of your hand.  You

can address

" your part " in things until the cows come home and then go out to pasture

again, and nothing will come of it.

As a final thought, I think it is unwise to rely on him to do what you need to

solve your problem.  You say at this point, you wish he would just go away.  He

may, but hoping he'll do what you need to have your life be more manageable puts

you in a very helpless position.  You may get a lot farther by doing for

yourself what you need to get done.  Instead of relying on him to leave, you may

need to be the one who leaves--even though it would be a lot more practical for

him to do it, since he could just stay with his girlfriend.  It is your need. 

There is no shame in doing what you need to meet that need instead of hoping

that he'll meet it.

Best of luck and take care,

Ashana

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