Going in circles

[Guest guest]

Background: My entire nuclear family has psychological problems. My mom has

Borderline Personality Disorder. My brother is Bi-Polar and shows signs of

Borderline Personality Disorder and experiences psychotic episodes. My Dad heard

from God and later found that the had a brain tumor and died last year.

 

I was closest with my Dad and it hurt me a lot when he died. It hurt me even

more to say that the things he heard " from God " did not line up with reality.

ie. God told him that he was going to beat the cancer. Obviously not.

 

My brother was the hardest person in my family to deal with. He sexually abused

me when we were younger, 5 year age difference. He is violent and manipulative.

He loves my mom more than his wife. He can pretty much take or leave his life.

He is a victim of the world and of anyone he has ever met and it is always our

fault. He remembers a perfect childhood and things that did not happen. He does

not remember things that happened. When I decided to get pregnant about a year

ago, I couldn't. I was having problems. I had physical problems because of his

abuse when I was in middle school and had to see a bunch of specialists, but no

one could ever figure out what was wrong with me. I never told them what was

really going on out of fear. So once again, the gynocologist found nothing wrong

with me. She suggested seeing a therapist. I did. She emphasized the importance

of severing ties with my brother because the inability to get pregnant might

very well be

coming from stress and I had stopped having periods.

 

My mother is addicted to my brother. She lives her life in denial and puts him

on a pedistal. He can have psychotic episodes where he comes at her with a knife

and then she can completely deny it or repress that it happened. If I finally

can get her to remember, she will tell me that God told Dad that he was

possessed by Satan so it's really not his fault and as good Christians we need

to support him and " love unconditionally " . This has been going on my whole life.

When, at one point, I got frusterated enough by my mom's idealizing him that I

told her about the sexual abouse, she told me that I did not know what I was

talking about and remembered things wrong. I was 19. We never talked about it

agian. It has been 5 years since then. I did know what I was talking about, by

the way.

 

So, following my therapist's decision, I decided it was time to end

communication with my brother last March. He lives in a different state so this

meant non answering phone calls, deleting facebook messages, texts, etc. I did

explain to him what I was doing and asked him to respect my boundaries, but then

I had to stick to those boundaries when the barage of endless phone calls came

and then slowly...stopped. It seemed to be working.

Except that this drove dear old mom crazy. HOw could I possibly treat her

precious boy this way who never did anything wrong to anyone? I politely

explained about the dr. and therapist and said this was best for me and my

family (hubby and I). Denial. Accusations. Assults against my religion and

morality in general. Quotes from deceased dad from God. I had to tell her that

if she brought it up, I would simply end the conversation. Sometimes she

respected that, sometimes not. I stuck to my boundaries.

 

And soon, an amazing thing happened. I got pregnant. And, as a side benefit, I

stopped having nightmares that I had just learned to deal with over the years

concerning my brother. And, I really felt hubby and I getting closer. I was very

happy to be pregnant byt even more committed not to endager my baby by being

involved in a relationship with my brother. Miscarriages run high in my

family...my mom had 5.

 

But, with the pregnancy, came even more pressure from mom. How could I not tell

him I was pregnant? How could I be so selfish as to not let him experience this

part of my life? Won't he be so hurt as to not know all of my details? My

husband would commicly point out that everyone else in our social circles

realized that the pregnancy was my big deal, not my brother's, so I really

shouldn't feel guilty about not making it about him.

 

My compromise to my mom on this was that I would include him in a family email

announcement at 3 months just to let him and all of the aunts, uncles, etc know

I was expecting. And I did. And then he started calling again. Non stop. And

sending threatening emails. Non stop. And creating these elaborate stories about

how we were best friends growing up and how he just cannot see why I am being so

mean to him. Mom would join the bandwagon from this end. I would meet her for

lunch and it would be how she would start our conversation. I would remind her

that if she continued talking about my brother I would have to leave. Then she

would get angry or cry. I would leave. The cycle would go on. It was in one of

these conversations where she begged me not to blame my brother for all of the

phone calls, because she was the one who had encouraged him to call me.

 

What? I said. Well, I thought that since you sent him an email about your

pregnancy, you would naturally want phone calls, so I told him to call you. She

replied. Aparently, she had no idea I would ever feel otherwise. And how could

she? It's not as though I sat her down and told her plainly about my thought,

feelings, and medical condition, as well as my plans to cut off all relationship

with my brother. Oh wait. I did. I did do that. More than once.

 

Things died down again, mercifully. Then, at about 5 months pregnant, a strange

thing happened. My mom stopped answering my phone calls. When I finally got a

hold of her she sounded very strange and tried to get me to come over, but I was

exhausted. And then, she just could not contain herself any more. But, my

brother was in town! I needed to come over! What? I was confused. I thought he

had a " strenuous " job that " no benefits " and therefore could " never take any

vacation " . Yet, aparently, he was visiting for over a week before Thanksgiving.

No mom...I can't come over. I was going to...but now I can't. But, you are still

more than welcome to come to the Thanksgiving I am having at my house for

friends the weekend before the holiday. But, you know that I am only inviting

you.

 

She came and stayed for almost an hour, was rude to everyone she saw, looked at

me with daggers in her eyes, and made up some reason about how she had to go

because she was busy. We had 40 people at my house that night and everyone else

had fun and stayed until 10PM. It was a great party. I did have to explain to

some women that it wasn't them, it's me.

 

I actually haven't seen her since then. I guess it's been about 3 weeks. But,

after dear brother went back out of state, hubby and I had plans to visit his

relatives in a different state for a week. Then, things were busy. Then, I

called her this last Saturday to get together. I suggested dinner. I left

messages. I didn't get any answers. Saturday came and past. Sunday, I called

again and left a message that maybe we could do dinner on Wednesday, my next

free night. Sunday came...and almost went. I called several more times, which

honestly is not like me. But, my mom is extreemly clingy. She is known to blow

off any and all plans to spend time with her children. She calls on a daily

basis, more than once. I make a point to get together with her twice a month,

but that is never enough. Never enough. NEVER enough, so the fact that she was

not answering my phone calls or returning messages got my mind whirling about an

in home accident of some kind.

 

Finally, a call back. Well...the thing is...your brother is in town. Still? I

said. No, he came back. Is his wife here? I asked. No, just him. She replied. He

came up for the week. The whole week? I asked, still not knowing what in the

world is going on. Uh hu. She said distantly.

 

It seemed as though she was still not going to answer my question about dinner.

So I asked her again, would she like to get together? I don't know what you

mean, she said. I don't think it's complicated, I am just seeing if you want

dinner, but it can wait to next week if you want, I said. Well the thing

is...Your brother has a job interview that day.

What?

 

Where? Here? Surely not here.

 

Yes. Here. He is trying to move back here, and he is living with mom as he looks

for jobs. And wifey? Still back in the other state with baby.

 

Oh dear God in heaven. I immidiately started crying. Mom wanted us to all go out

to dinner together. She asked if I would pray with him that he would get the

job. Um, no. To both. If I have worked so hard to sever contact with him, do you

really think that I am going to want to have dinner with him and then pray that

he gets a job? I will pray that he doesn't get the job. Would that help? Maybe

if you pray one thing and i pray the other thing the two will cancel each otehr

thought and the intverviewer will be left on his own to see a crazy person that

still wants to live with mommy at 30 years old and thus not feel like he is job

material. How bout that?

 

So, needless to say, she had no idea why I was upset. She started quoting God

from deceased Dad. I tried effortlessly to explain that Biblically, what she was

saying did not match up, but then I rememembered something my therapist said

about trying to make rational arguments with irrational people. It doesn't go

anywhere.  In fact, at the end of the conversation, I was left questioning my

sanity and was feeling like a pretty horrible person. I was almost suckered into

my childhood again. I am bad. Brother is good. Bad me. Evil me. Even God says I

am wrong and dad is saying God is saying it so if you don't believe it it is

dubbly bad because then you are not only disagreeing with God, but Dad, which is

worse. So, I composed myself, hung up the phone, and talked to my husband. He

reminded me I was not the crazy one and pointed out all the crazy in everything

she had said to me.

 

And I am feeling my baby kicking as I type this. And I don't want my daughter to

be exposed to a known child molester. Or a person who recreates memories and

reality so well that you are left wondering...wait...did it really happen how

they said it did? I am still trying to keep a distant relatinship with my mom,

but I frankly don' t know if I can if he moves back into the area. They pretty

much feed off each other and help each other create reality and truth in general

together to match whatever it is they want to match. And, at this point it looks

like he will be living with her. So, that's an added bonus.

 

I felt free for the first time in my life this year since my therapist told me

how I could be free. I learned how co-dependant I was with my family and how

unhealthy it was to listen to people tell lies day and night that constantly

made me the evil person and made evil good. (I think everyone can at least

respect my opinion in saying that sexual abuse and violence is evil).

 

So now I am sad. Sad that mom does not care about my health. I mean for God

sakes, two doctors told me my body wasn't working because I was in constant

communication with a person who treated me like trash and told me to get out.

She doesn't care. She doesn't even care about the baby growing inside me. I wish

she did. I even wish my brother did. I wish what they say is true, that we are

all one big happy family and I am messing things up for no reason. I really wish

that was true. Because if it was, that would meant that I would be able to pick

up the phone and have a happy family.

 

No, Me, stick to the facts. That never happened. You can't convince them of

anything, but you can protect yourself by investing in reality.

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your

marvelous deeds.

        - Psalm 71:17