Guest guest Posted August 12, 2009 Report Share Posted August 12, 2009 Hi Group, This is my first post to group. I am an only child of a NADA and a co-dependent stepdad. I am 38 years old, but ran away from home, thankfully, at 17...a long time ago. Like all of you, I have struggled from the abuses suffered and the projected, imagined wrongdoings over the years. I have witnessed the obsessive, erratic, angry and inappropriate behaviors, and experienced the worst and most frightening wrath, as have you. I have been deemed a demon, and am constantly bashed as the wrongdoer, when it is not me who is displaying the bad behaviour. I have been through many years of intermittent therapy, and have suffered my own major bouts of sometimes severe depression. I had my own bouts of erratic, stupid behavior in my late teens and very early 20s. But I guess... who hasn't? My angry vindictive NADA is speaking to neither her own Mom or sister either, and is hating God knows who else right now. She has apparently been ( probably self )-diagnosed with OCD. That also makes sense. She has not been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but boy did the lightbulb go on when I became privy to what BPD means...she is a humdinger of a Borderline. My therapists over the years have always urged me to use the lifeboat principal with my parents....cling to the lifeboat and save myself, do not bring them on board, they cannot be saved, we will all sink. Of course this is easier said then done.. I am an only child, I need parental love, as we all do..I kept going back for more. My Biological Dad has Bipolar Disorder. He suffers severe grandiosity and believes he is direct contact with God, he can be righteous and dogmatic, mean and angry, and has a long ago past history of sexually abusing young boys. Yes, I love him too. He is also conversely, sometimes: wonderful and brilliant, funny and flambouyant, energetic and fun and loving. But what.... a....painful...difficult... freakshow! My Nada and Stepdad have dealt me many years punishing silence. They have intermittently rejected and turned away from being in contact with me when I have done something they disapprove of, or taken offense at something they have done to offend me. By treating me with these long periods of silence ( ignoring emails or phone calls, sometimes for a couple years in my Step Dads case ) they can tell themselves (and believe) that the offensive thing that they have done to me ,that I protested, is in fact, my fault. Then, as if nothing happened, contact again, out of nowhere. Head-trippy. Mean. I have struggled to earn love and understanding for years. Clean love should have been my right as a child, and even an adult. Now, I am pretty OK. I have a fantastic husband, thank GOD. I have leaned from him what it is like to have a stable ground beneath my feet, and have kept sane. He is my cornerstone. We have two small sons and I am imminently due with twin boys. The children are amazing, yet of course, all consuming. I just don't have it in me anymore to get into it with NADA, co-dependent Step Dad or Bipolar, fanatic, Daddy anymore. Most recently, my Mom decided to sport an offensive S & M T shirt during her visit to my home last Thanksgiving vacation. She refused to take it off in front of my kids when I told her I took offense to it, and wore it in front of my kids ( who didn't thankfully notice it, they are very young ) She did, of course, cover it up when it came time for my husband to come home from work. This was an aggressive act on her part, and not an isolated incident. When I discussed her behavior with my Aunt and she caught wind of it.. on came the predictable wrath. My fault, my issue, my abuse toward her for discussing it with my Aunt. She emailed me that she and my step dad enjoyed my children and my husband but they continued to find me horrid and spending more than a couple of days with me intolerable. Afterwhich there were a few more vindictive emails and then months of predicatable silence. There were unreturned emails about my pregnancy and the babies... Then, recently... the emials are coming, inquiring as to how we are, as if nothing has happened. I have recently dreamt that I have given birth to our twins and that I went looking for them in my house. To my horror I found my Mom pressing their tiny uninterested and screaming faces toward her breasts to nurse them, while scowling into space. That's pretty funky and telling, no? I don't want her to take or hurt my children as she did me, and does others. I don't want her to try to take away my most treasured loves. God! I have finally, and for the first time over these last 2 months, just begun to plain ignore them. I am doling out the silent treatment now. I am so pregnant and so busy with my other two young boys..what do I have to give? What will they try to take? Am I ready to say goodbye to Nada...and company? Pretty much, and sadly I think I must. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Welcome, you've found a Group who can understand what you're going through with your nada and why you needed to go No Contact. That's a decision a lot of us KOs here have to make too, and its never easy. I myself am in temporary No Contact with my " nada " now, but I might resume limited contact with her in the future, when and if I feel more able to handle her negative behaviors. I feel compelled to bring this up, since you mentioned it in your post. If you are in contact with your biodad, I hope you never allow your boys to be alone with their grandfather since you stated that you know your biodad has a history of sexually molesting boys? I truly hope that you are keeping them safe from him as well as from your nada. Again, welcome to the Group. -Annie > > Hi Group, > > This is my first post to group. I am an only child of a NADA and a co-dependent stepdad. I am 38 years old, but ran away from home, thankfully, at 17...a long time ago. Like all of you, I have struggled from the abuses suffered and the projected, imagined wrongdoings over the years. I have witnessed the obsessive, erratic, angry and inappropriate behaviors, and experienced the worst and most frightening wrath, as have you. I have been deemed a demon, and am constantly bashed as the wrongdoer, when it is not me who is displaying the bad behaviour. > > I have been through many years of intermittent therapy, and have suffered my own major bouts of sometimes severe depression. I had my own bouts of erratic, stupid behavior in my late teens and very early 20s. But I guess... who hasn't? My angry vindictive NADA is speaking to neither her own Mom or sister either, and is hating God knows who else right now. She has apparently been ( probably self )-diagnosed with OCD. That also makes sense. She has not been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but boy did the lightbulb go on when I became privy to what BPD means...she is a humdinger of a Borderline. > > My therapists over the years have always urged me to use the lifeboat principal with my parents....cling to the lifeboat and save myself, do not bring them on board, they cannot be saved, we will all sink. Of course this is easier said then done.. I am an only child, I need parental love, as we all do..I kept going back for more. My Biological Dad has Bipolar Disorder. He suffers severe grandiosity and believes he is direct contact with God, he can be righteous and dogmatic, mean and angry, and has a long ago past history of sexually abusing young boys. Yes, I love him too. He is also conversely, sometimes: wonderful and brilliant, funny and flambouyant, energetic and fun and loving. But what.... a....painful...difficult... freakshow! > > My Nada and Stepdad have dealt me many years punishing silence. They have intermittently rejected and turned away from being in contact with me when I have done something they disapprove of, or taken offense at something they have done to offend me. By treating me with these long periods of silence ( ignoring emails or phone calls, sometimes for a couple years in my Step Dads case ) they can tell themselves (and believe) that the offensive thing that they have done to me ,that I protested, is in fact, my fault. Then, as if nothing happened, contact again, out of nowhere. Head-trippy. Mean. I have struggled to earn love and understanding for years. Clean love should have been my right as a child, and even an adult. > > Now, I am pretty OK. I have a fantastic husband, thank GOD. I have leaned from him what it is like to have a stable ground beneath my feet, and have kept sane. He is my cornerstone. We have two small sons and I am imminently due with twin boys. The children are amazing, yet of course, all consuming. I just don't have it in me anymore to get into it with NADA, co-dependent Step Dad or Bipolar, fanatic, Daddy anymore. Most recently, my Mom decided to sport an offensive S & M T shirt during her visit to my home last Thanksgiving vacation. She refused to take it off in front of my kids when I told her I took offense to it, and wore it in front of my kids ( who didn't thankfully notice it, they are very young ) She did, of course, cover it up when it came time for my husband to come home from work. This was an aggressive act on her part, and not an isolated incident. When I discussed her behavior with my Aunt and she caught wind of it.. on came the predictable wrath. My fault, my issue, my abuse toward her for discussing it with my Aunt. She emailed me that she and my step dad enjoyed my children and my husband but they continued to find me horrid and spending more than a couple of days with me intolerable. Afterwhich there were a few more vindictive emails and then months of predicatable silence. There were unreturned emails about my pregnancy and the babies... Then, recently... the emials are coming, inquiring as to how we are, as if nothing has happened. > > I have recently dreamt that I have given birth to our twins and that I went looking for them in my house. To my horror I found my Mom pressing their tiny uninterested and screaming faces toward her breasts to nurse them, while scowling into space. That's pretty funky and telling, no? I don't want her to take or hurt my children as she did me, and does others. I don't want her to try to take away my most treasured loves. God! > > I have finally, and for the first time over these last 2 months, just begun to plain ignore them. I am doling out the silent treatment now. I am so pregnant and so busy with my other two young boys..what do I have to give? What will they try to take? Am I ready to say goodbye to Nada...and company? Pretty much, and sadly I think I must. > > Thanks for listening. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Welcome. Thx for sharing your story. It may in fact be in your best interest to go no-contact (NC) with your nada and stepfada. That must be your decision and yours alone. She certainly has given you a lovely little lead-in to it, basically saying she cannot stand you. Perhaps you will someday let her know her wish has been granted; she no longer has to. You know your first responsibility must be to your own family and self-care. There are others here whose situations are similar to yours, and I hope you will gain encouragement. I know the pain can be deep; people here understand. Sincerely, -- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " itsalisson " wrote: > > Hi Group, > > This is my first post to group. I am an only child of a NADA and a co-dependent stepdad. I am 38 years old, but ran away from home, thankfully, at 17...a long time ago. Like all of you, I have struggled from the abuses suffered and the projected, imagined wrongdoings over the years. I have witnessed the obsessive, erratic, angry and inappropriate behaviors, and experienced the worst and most frightening wrath, as have you. I have been deemed a demon, and am constantly bashed as the wrongdoer, when it is not me who is displaying the bad behaviour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2009 Report Share Posted August 13, 2009 Hello there, Don't worry! Of course I am now not in contact with my Dad either. I have never given him the opportunity to even meet my sons, but for once, when my eldest was an infant, at my grandmother's funeral. Talk about bad days. He himself has recently asked for no contact with me, as it is too painful for him that I will not allow him contact with our children and " can't live with my hate " . I guess he can't accept that I know and don " t trust his darkest sides, and I suppose remind him of what he hates most about himself because I can't let him see his grandsons. Over the past years since my eldest was born, I would take him out to dinner, just the two of us, every so often. Our last dinner ended very badly with him storming out the door after calling me some choice names. He is a very pained and lonely man, but of course, my kids and their safety come first. My babies!! Alisson > > > > Hi Group, > > > > This is my first post to group. I am an only child of a NADA and a co-dependent stepdad. I am 38 years old, but ran away from home, thankfully, at 17...a long time ago. Like all of you, I have struggled from the abuses suffered and the projected, imagined wrongdoings over the years. I have witnessed the obsessive, erratic, angry and inappropriate behaviors, and experienced the worst and most frightening wrath, as have you. I have been deemed a demon, and am constantly bashed as the wrongdoer, when it is not me who is displaying the bad behaviour. > > > > I have been through many years of intermittent therapy, and have suffered my own major bouts of sometimes severe depression. I had my own bouts of erratic, stupid behavior in my late teens and very early 20s. But I guess... who hasn't? My angry vindictive NADA is speaking to neither her own Mom or sister either, and is hating God knows who else right now. She has apparently been ( probably self )-diagnosed with OCD. That also makes sense. She has not been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but boy did the lightbulb go on when I became privy to what BPD means...she is a humdinger of a Borderline. > > > > My therapists over the years have always urged me to use the lifeboat principal with my parents....cling to the lifeboat and save myself, do not bring them on board, they cannot be saved, we will all sink. Of course this is easier said then done.. I am an only child, I need parental love, as we all do..I kept going back for more. My Biological Dad has Bipolar Disorder. He suffers severe grandiosity and believes he is direct contact with God, he can be righteous and dogmatic, mean and angry, and has a long ago past history of sexually abusing young boys. Yes, I love him too. He is also conversely, sometimes: wonderful and brilliant, funny and flambouyant, energetic and fun and loving. But what.... a....painful...difficult... freakshow! > > > > My Nada and Stepdad have dealt me many years punishing silence. They have intermittently rejected and turned away from being in contact with me when I have done something they disapprove of, or taken offense at something they have done to offend me. By treating me with these long periods of silence ( ignoring emails or phone calls, sometimes for a couple years in my Step Dads case ) they can tell themselves (and believe) that the offensive thing that they have done to me ,that I protested, is in fact, my fault. Then, as if nothing happened, contact again, out of nowhere. Head-trippy. Mean. I have struggled to earn love and understanding for years. Clean love should have been my right as a child, and even an adult. > > > > Now, I am pretty OK. I have a fantastic husband, thank GOD. I have leaned from him what it is like to have a stable ground beneath my feet, and have kept sane. He is my cornerstone. We have two small sons and I am imminently due with twin boys. The children are amazing, yet of course, all consuming. I just don't have it in me anymore to get into it with NADA, co-dependent Step Dad or Bipolar, fanatic, Daddy anymore. Most recently, my Mom decided to sport an offensive S & M T shirt during her visit to my home last Thanksgiving vacation. She refused to take it off in front of my kids when I told her I took offense to it, and wore it in front of my kids ( who didn't thankfully notice it, they are very young ) She did, of course, cover it up when it came time for my husband to come home from work. This was an aggressive act on her part, and not an isolated incident. When I discussed her behavior with my Aunt and she caught wind of it.. on came the predictable wrath. My fault, my issue, my abuse toward her for discussing it with my Aunt. She emailed me that she and my step dad enjoyed my children and my husband but they continued to find me horrid and spending more than a couple of days with me intolerable. Afterwhich there were a few more vindictive emails and then months of predicatable silence. There were unreturned emails about my pregnancy and the babies... Then, recently... the emials are coming, inquiring as to how we are, as if nothing has happened. > > > > I have recently dreamt that I have given birth to our twins and that I went looking for them in my house. To my horror I found my Mom pressing their tiny uninterested and screaming faces toward her breasts to nurse them, while scowling into space. That's pretty funky and telling, no? I don't want her to take or hurt my children as she did me, and does others. I don't want her to try to take away my most treasured loves. God! > > > > I have finally, and for the first time over these last 2 months, just begun to plain ignore them. I am doling out the silent treatment now. I am so pregnant and so busy with my other two young boys..what do I have to give? What will they try to take? Am I ready to say goodbye to Nada...and company? Pretty much, and sadly I think I must. > > > > Thanks for listening. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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