Re: Are we permanent hostages???b

[Guest guest]

Hi Malinda,

I am sorry you are feeling sad and hopeless. I know what you mean. I thought

cutting nada out of my life would be the end of the roller coaster ride of

emotions but just when I think I am pulling it all together, I feel like the rug

gets pulled out from under me. And I don't know if I can blame nada directly

anymore if I am cutting her out of my life. This yuck is stuck inside of me and

I have to work to extract it. I had a feeling like that today. I was having a

good day and I just felt overwhelmed with sadness and started to cry. I think

it was left over feelings of sadness from having spent Thanksgiving just with my

hubby and kids. My in-laws were out of town and I decide not to see my brother,

his family and nada/fada. It was my choice. I felt some relief not enduring

nada but also sadness. Maybe it is more of the grieving process coming through,

I am not sure, but it takes some effort to pull myself out of it. I don't have

anything earth shattering here, but just that I think I feel what you are

describing far more often than I would like to. The work never ends!

(((hugs)))

patinage

>

> I want to no longer be held hostage by my feelings. Being raised by a bp

parent- means so many things- but for me it is that permanent hole in my soul.

That hole is filled with those sad feelings of a very confused and wounded inner

child. I want to really heal and I thought I was.

>

> Today wasn't even a bad day- it was actually ok- yet from out of nowhere I

have these feelings of total sadness- like nothing really matters. My life is

nothing except moments of pain- confusion- anxieties and for what and for who. I

was on verge of not really caring if life goes on. Before this I felt like this

the pain was over and I was on the way to be freed from those feelings. I posted

less on here- felt like I had good boundaries- and yet today the hopelessness

and pain was very strong- just like before.

>

> Do we remain permanent emotional hostages in the crazy bp world?

> Anyone else feel trapped by their feelings???

>

>

> Malinda

>

> It is a rollercoater ride of emotions and I want off.

> I

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Malinda, I'm sorry you are feeling this way too. I think there is a deep

well of emotion waiting to be processed in many of us, so in quieter times some

comes up to be felt. It may not be a falling backward, but an unrepressing of

sorts. I know my inner child holds intense feelings and I'm not sure what to do

with or how to safely release that. I have read healing goes in cycles so your

one step back may soon be followed by two steps forward.

>

> I want to no longer be held hostage by my feelings. Being raised by a bp

parent- means so many things- but for me it is that permanent hole in my soul.

That hole is filled with those sad feelings of a very confused and wounded inner

child. I want to really heal and I thought I was.

>

> Today wasn't even a bad day- it was actually ok- yet from out of nowhere I

have these feelings of total sadness- like nothing really matters. My life is

nothing except moments of pain- confusion- anxieties and for what and for who. I

was on verge of not really caring if life goes on. Before this I felt like this

the pain was over and I was on the way to be freed from those feelings. I posted

less on here- felt like I had good boundaries- and yet today the hopelessness

and pain was very strong- just like before.

>

> Do we remain permanent emotional hostages in the crazy bp world?

> Anyone else feel trapped by their feelings???

>

>

> Malinda

>

> It is a rollercoater ride of emotions and I want off.

> I

>

[Guest guest]

Malinda,

I dont think this shows you're not healed...I think even the most healed

person still has " bad " days or weeks...I think that's normal ...think of it

as you would a healed broken arm...it may seem perfectly fine, but when

cold damp weather hits, it starts to ache...the holidays are a common time

for the healed to feel hurt and reinjured all over again...

Jackie

I want to no longer be held hostage by my feelings. Being raised by a bp

parent- means so many things- but for me it is that permanent hole in my

soul. That hole is filled with those sad feelings of a very confused and

wounded inner child. I want to really heal and I thought I was.

Today wasn't even a bad day- it was actually ok- yet from out of nowhere

I have these feelings of total sadness- like nothing really matters. My life

is nothing except moments of pain- confusion- anxieties and for what and for

who. I was on verge of not really caring if life goes on. Before this I felt

like this the pain was over and I was on the way to be freed from those

feelings. I posted less on here- felt like I had good boundaries- and yet

today the hopelessness and pain was very strong- just like before.

Do we remain permanent emotional hostages in the crazy bp world?

Anyone else feel trapped by their feelings???

Malinda

It is a rollercoater ride of emotions and I want off.

I

[Guest guest]

Hi Malinda...I'm sorry to hear you got whammied by these kinds of feelings when

you felt like you were on the way to being freed from them.This has happened to

me,too,usually when my life seems to have stabilized and then as if from out of

nowhere,a sadness descends over me.Or anxiety or despair.

I think the reason why this happens (at least for me) is that these kinds

of feelings are my emotional baseline--the regular state I was in as my brain

was developing as a child.Which is,as far as my biological brain knows,the

normal state of affairs for me: to feel sad,anxious or to be in despair.When

things in my life are stable or ok,my brain just returns to baseline.

As long as we are alive,our brains can form new connections and new

associations.I don't believe we have to be permanent hostages to our conditioned

baselines,although we'll probably have to keep overcoming them.With practice in

actively making new associations,the negative feelings don't last as long and

don't exert such an overwhelming grip.

Personally,I suffer at times from serous existential ennui.My upbringing

made me feel that life is essentially hollow and meaningless.Like,what is the

point of all of our strivings if there is none.Very bleak stuff.

Maybe we do live in an indifferent,impersonally random and ultimately

meaningless universe.Maybe I am projecting my own nada onto that universe and it

isn't really how I perceive it at all.

But either way,I am not indifferent to me.I am not impersonally random

to me--I am me,I am here now.I can assign meaning or meaninglessness to my own

existence even while not knowing,quite,what that existence really is.

It seems to me that I can view these moments of returning to baseline

and feeling like that lost,sad,distressed child as something that just *is* in

my life,such as cold rain: am I going to stand out in it and get soaked and just

let myself suffer--or am I going to seek shelter from it? Teaming cold

rain,sudden sadness,despair: best to name it for what it is since it *is*,then

take appropriate measures.I find that it helps not to rail against these

feelings just as I wouldn't rail against the rain--they happen even when I'd

prefer a sunnier day.They are condensed in me the same way the clouds above

condense moisture and they come down the same way,like inclement weather,like

rain--that I FEEL them and experience them physically.

It doesn't mean it's going to rain forever.It can mean that I might get

soaked if I don't move.Sometimes all I can do is stand in some metaphoric

doorway until it passes,such as posting on this board for example.Other times

I'm able to notice that I have the key to some substantial shelter right in my

hand,like a relationship or a hobby or some positive distraction.Other times

it's like I'm stranded out in the middle of a wide flat wilderness miles from

even a tree to stand under.But even then,it is survivable if I want it to be and

it isn't permanent.

Some things just *are*...some states of being just *are*...we can't

wish them away,and although their being isn't a condemnation of us,it can feel

that way: a curse and a pox on us...but the forces of nature never intentionally

attack us personally and something like sadness is only a force of nature in

biological form,crappy like a rainy day...

We can't arrest the elements,only bulld structures to protect ourselves

from them.If sadness and despair are elemental to our lives,to me,that is the

same thing.Imagine if humanity had never sought to protect itself from the

forces of nature--there would be no civilization as we know it.Similarly,we can

build our own subjective structures to shelter ourselves from the elements that

are unique to our internal geographies.Whatever they are.Even if it involves

lots of trial and error before we construct something that is sturdy and sound.A

process that isn't yet a completed fact doesn't make us a hostage to it--trial

and error is always an active endeavor even when it doesn't immediately pan out.

I think of it this way: as human beings our essential baseline is to be

naked and unsheltered--and it was our determination as a species to replace that

condition with clothing and shelter that ensured our survival.If my baseline

psychological nature is to be sad,anxious and despairing then I can either let

it be as it is (a matter of indifference,ultimately,to anyone or anything but

me)--or I can replace them with something that shelters me from them.

I witnessed a fatal traffic accident the other evening,which triggered

my own deep-rooted despondency about the " meaning " of life,despair at the cruel

backhanded slap of the universe.There was a bar alongside the highway where the

accident happened and people came streaming out of it to gawk as I sat there in

my car trapped by a police car that had blocked the lanes.I had seen the carnage

and looked away out of respect as I said a tearful prayer for the deceased and

their families.I couldn't--can't--fathom the kind of mentality that would want

to gawk at somebody else's tragic death.I felt like shouting to them, " Look,this

isn't a tv show,this is real.You should bow your heads in respect and say a

prayer for these poor people... "

But as ambulances came wailing down the highway and then

firetrucks,more people came streaming to the highway from nearby streets to

gawk.The firemen had equipment to extract the victims from their cars and the

gawkers were trying to cross the highway to get a closer view.A grim faced

policeman was trying to keep them back and direct the traffic away from the

scene at the same time.I drove away rom it all in tears: the fact of the tragedy

itself,too many reminders of my own growing up constantly afraid of dying (and

nada had threatened to kill both of us with her car); the horror of seeing the

lowest of human nature in action,that mindless desire to gawk...and an hour

later while I was walking my dog the local fire station let off its alarm,a

signal to all responders and rescue crew in town that the bodies had been

recovered...it was a clear crisp night with a just waning full moon and I stared

up into the sky and asked it why and it had no answer for me...only a blank mute

beauty,hollow and distant and cold to my view just then...and the old

conditioned trauma tapes started to play: me imagining the people in those cars

stopped at the traffic light moments before they died and not knowing that they

would die...what mood had they been in that morning,getting out of bed...and not

knowing that day would be their last...and only a couple of weeks before

Christmas...and was that it...one moment you're driving down the highway and

then you're gone and what was your life worth,your last moments as a gawker's

spectacle...

I couldn't do anything to change what had happened.I could only pay the

deceased my private respects and feel my own sorrow for their passing and for

the people they must have left behind.I tried to distract myself from the

nightmare feelings that kept washing over me but it was no use: they were just

there and they weren't going away.I will probably never rid myself of many of my

triggers and although it was " normal " to feel distressed after having witnessed

a fatal accident,the head trip I was going on was many miles past normal: a

total despondency over the very nature of existence itself; morbid thoughts of

an utterly indifferent universe and the seemingly random cruelty of " fate " ...the

void whistling,whistling,whistling in my very ears like I could HEAR it...

Would the people who died have wanted me to feel all that horror? I

don't think so! I think that they would have wanted me to know about their

lives--what had brought them joy or given their lives meaning--to celebrate that

and to honor it in their memory...life itself asserting its primacy over

death,over horror,over meaninglessness...the choice of the angels: to assign

goodness to the day; to do with it what you can since it is the day that *is*...

It's taken me three days to get myself back to the day,to the

exhortation of the dawn so to speak: another day is here,for you to make of it

what you will--at your baseline or at your zenith,it's up to you and either way

that is fine,that is life...you are not a hostage to the sun rising as it always

has,but a breathing,living,bumbling,wondering,confused,human only too human

being...and that is as it should be and as it has always been and will always be

for you and every human being who ever was,whatever challenges they had...just

do the best you can.

>

> I want to no longer be held hostage by my feelings. Being raised by a bp

parent- means so many things- but for me it is that permanent hole in my soul.

That hole is filled with those sad feelings of a very confused and wounded inner

child. I want to really heal and I thought I was.

>

> Today wasn't even a bad day- it was actually ok- yet from out of nowhere I

have these feelings of total sadness- like nothing really matters. My life is

nothing except moments of pain- confusion- anxieties and for what and for who. I

was on verge of not really caring if life goes on. Before this I felt like this

the pain was over and I was on the way to be freed from those feelings. I posted

less on here- felt like I had good boundaries- and yet today the hopelessness

and pain was very strong- just like before.

>

> Do we remain permanent emotional hostages in the crazy bp world?

> Anyone else feel trapped by their feelings???

>

>

> Malinda

>

> It is a rollercoater ride of emotions and I want off.

> I

>

[Guest guest]

Wow - you all have very insightful input. I ran across this quote that I thought

fit this topic:

" If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to

dance. " - Bernard Shaw

patinage

>

> I want to no longer be held hostage by my feelings. Being raised by a bp

parent- means so many things- but for me it is that permanent hole in my soul.

That hole is filled with those sad feelings of a very confused and wounded inner

child. I want to really heal and I thought I was.

>

> Today wasn't even a bad day- it was actually ok- yet from out of nowhere I

have these feelings of total sadness- like nothing really matters. My life is

nothing except moments of pain- confusion- anxieties and for what and for who. I

was on verge of not really caring if life goes on. Before this I felt like this

the pain was over and I was on the way to be freed from those feelings. I posted

less on here- felt like I had good boundaries- and yet today the hopelessness

and pain was very strong- just like before.

>

> Do we remain permanent emotional hostages in the crazy bp world?

> Anyone else feel trapped by their feelings???

>

>

> Malinda

>

> It is a rollercoater ride of emotions and I want off.

> I

>

[Guest guest]

, you have written an truly remarkable article; I am going to save this

to my " toolbox " for dealing with emotions. Thank you so much, may we all heal.

>

> Hi Malinda...I'm sorry to hear you got whammied by these kinds of feelings

when you felt like you were on the way to being freed from them.This has

happened to me,too,usually when my life seems to have stabilized and then as if

from out of nowhere,a sadness descends over me.Or anxiety or despair.

>

> I think the reason why this happens (at least for me) is that these

kinds of feelings are my emotional baseline--the regular state I was in as my

brain was developing as a child.Which is,as far as my biological brain knows,the

normal state of affairs for me: to feel sad,anxious or to be in despair.When

things in my life are stable or ok,my brain just returns to baseline.

>

> As long as we are alive,our brains can form new connections and new

associations.I don't believe we have to be permanent hostages to our conditioned

baselines,although we'll probably have to keep overcoming them.With practice in

actively making new associations,the negative feelings don't last as long and

don't exert such an overwhelming grip.

>

> Personally,I suffer at times from serous existential ennui.My upbringing

made me feel that life is essentially hollow and meaningless.Like,what is the

point of all of our strivings if there is none.Very bleak stuff.

>

> Maybe we do live in an indifferent,impersonally random and ultimately

meaningless universe.Maybe I am projecting my own nada onto that universe and it

isn't really how I perceive it at all.

>

> But either way,I am not indifferent to me.I am not impersonally random

to me--I am me,I am here now.I can assign meaning or meaninglessness to my own

existence even while not knowing,quite,what that existence really is.

>

> It seems to me that I can view these moments of returning to baseline

and feeling like that lost,sad,distressed child as something that just *is* in

my life,such as cold rain: am I going to stand out in it and get soaked and just

let myself suffer--or am I going to seek shelter from it? Teaming cold

rain,sudden sadness,despair: best to name it for what it is since it *is*,then

take appropriate measures.I find that it helps not to rail against these

feelings just as I wouldn't rail against the rain--they happen even when I'd

prefer a sunnier day.They are condensed in me the same way the clouds above

condense moisture and they come down the same way,like inclement weather,like

rain--that I FEEL them and experience them physically.

>

> It doesn't mean it's going to rain forever.It can mean that I might

get soaked if I don't move.Sometimes all I can do is stand in some metaphoric

doorway until it passes,such as posting on this board for example.Other times

I'm able to notice that I have the key to some substantial shelter right in my

hand,like a relationship or a hobby or some positive distraction.Other times

it's like I'm stranded out in the middle of a wide flat wilderness miles from

even a tree to stand under.But even then,it is survivable if I want it to be and

it isn't permanent.

>

> Some things just *are*...some states of being just *are*...we can't

wish them away,and although their being isn't a condemnation of us,it can feel

that way: a curse and a pox on us...but the forces of nature never intentionally

attack us personally and something like sadness is only a force of nature in

biological form,crappy like a rainy day...

>

> We can't arrest the elements,only bulld structures to protect

ourselves from them.If sadness and despair are elemental to our lives,to me,that

is the same thing.Imagine if humanity had never sought to protect itself from

the forces of nature--there would be no civilization as we know it.Similarly,we

can build our own subjective structures to shelter ourselves from the elements

that are unique to our internal geographies.Whatever they are.Even if it

involves lots of trial and error before we construct something that is sturdy

and sound.A process that isn't yet a completed fact doesn't make us a hostage to

it--trial and error is always an active endeavor even when it doesn't

immediately pan out.

>

> I think of it this way: as human beings our essential baseline is to

be naked and unsheltered--and it was our determination as a species to replace

that condition with clothing and shelter that ensured our survival.If my

baseline psychological nature is to be sad,anxious and despairing then I can

either let it be as it is (a matter of indifference,ultimately,to anyone or

anything but me)--or I can replace them with something that shelters me from

them.

>

> I witnessed a fatal traffic accident the other evening,which

triggered my own deep-rooted despondency about the " meaning " of life,despair at

the cruel backhanded slap of the universe.There was a bar alongside the highway

where the accident happened and people came streaming out of it to gawk as I sat

there in my car trapped by a police car that had blocked the lanes.I had seen

the carnage and looked away out of respect as I said a tearful prayer for the

deceased and their families.I couldn't--can't--fathom the kind of mentality that

would want to gawk at somebody else's tragic death.I felt like shouting to

them, " Look,this isn't a tv show,this is real.You should bow your heads in

respect and say a prayer for these poor people... "

>

> But as ambulances came wailing down the highway and then

firetrucks,more people came streaming to the highway from nearby streets to

gawk.The firemen had equipment to extract the victims from their cars and the

gawkers were trying to cross the highway to get a closer view.A grim faced

policeman was trying to keep them back and direct the traffic away from the

scene at the same time.I drove away rom it all in tears: the fact of the tragedy

itself,too many reminders of my own growing up constantly afraid of dying (and

nada had threatened to kill both of us with her car); the horror of seeing the

lowest of human nature in action,that mindless desire to gawk...and an hour

later while I was walking my dog the local fire station let off its alarm,a

signal to all responders and rescue crew in town that the bodies had been

recovered...it was a clear crisp night with a just waning full moon and I stared

up into the sky and asked it why and it had no answer for me...only a blank mute

beauty,hollow and distant and cold to my view just then...and the old

conditioned trauma tapes started to play: me imagining the people in those cars

stopped at the traffic light moments before they died and not knowing that they

would die...what mood had they been in that morning,getting out of bed...and not

knowing that day would be their last...and only a couple of weeks before

Christmas...and was that it...one moment you're driving down the highway and

then you're gone and what was your life worth,your last moments as a gawker's

spectacle...

>

> I couldn't do anything to change what had happened.I could only pay

the deceased my private respects and feel my own sorrow for their passing and

for the people they must have left behind.I tried to distract myself from the

nightmare feelings that kept washing over me but it was no use: they were just

there and they weren't going away.I will probably never rid myself of many of my

triggers and although it was " normal " to feel distressed after having witnessed

a fatal accident,the head trip I was going on was many miles past normal: a

total despondency over the very nature of existence itself; morbid thoughts of

an utterly indifferent universe and the seemingly random cruelty of " fate " ...the

void whistling,whistling,whistling in my very ears like I could HEAR it...

>

> Would the people who died have wanted me to feel all that horror? I

don't think so! I think that they would have wanted me to know about their

lives--what had brought them joy or given their lives meaning--to celebrate that

and to honor it in their memory...life itself asserting its primacy over

death,over horror,over meaninglessness...the choice of the angels: to assign

goodness to the day; to do with it what you can since it is the day that *is*...

>

> It's taken me three days to get myself back to the day,to the

exhortation of the dawn so to speak: another day is here,for you to make of it

what you will--at your baseline or at your zenith,it's up to you and either way

that is fine,that is life...you are not a hostage to the sun rising as it always

has,but a breathing,living,bumbling,wondering,confused,human only too human

being...and that is as it should be and as it has always been and will always be

for you and every human being who ever was,whatever challenges they had...just

do the best you can.

>

>

>