Re: Coming home to my BPD Mother

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E - Everything Realmom says is absolutely ON POINT. Her post is a

pinpoint-accurate description of what happened with my mom when I told her she

couldn't move in with us (again! we had already tried it a few years earlier,

with predictably miserable results). The last time she started campaigning for

us to buy a house with an in-law suite for her, I told her that we could not

have her live with us because it wouldn't be good for any of us, and that if she

really needed help, we'd need to search for a " nursing home facility with a

mental health component. " I had to repeat that phrase about 2 or 3 more times

before she realized what I meant - and then she STOPPED and didn't bring it up

again.

DO NOT let your mother live with you, come for an " extended stay " or have an

extra key " in case there's an emergency. " You need your sanctuary space,

especially if you have a Nada. You managed to get out from under Nada by

growing up and moving away - don't reverse the process now. -

> > >

> > > Hi, this is my first post here. I posted this to another forum as well but

I realise now this may be the right one.

> > > I apologize if I'm a little scattered. I keep rewriting this post, unsure

how to put it, unsure how much detail to include.

> > > The long story short is that my Mom has BPD. It was misdiagnosed and

ignored for a long time. My father (himself mentally ill) was out of the picture

when I was 5 so it was a rough childhood that waffled between fear and neglect.

My brother and I seem to fit the classic mold of bad child (him) and good child

(me). I've been dealing with it mostly by avoiding her since she tried to commit

suicide at my 19th birthday party. I'm almost 30 now.

> > > I got out and I feel pretty stable but things are getting touchy again.

I've been living abroad for the last 3 years, partly to avoid her, and now I'm

back in the country (Canada) for school. We live in different provinces but

she's begun to find ways to worm back into my life, claim ownership of

everything I've accomplished and make a place for herself in my home without

warning or permission.

> > > I don't want to cut her out of my life. She's lonely and I feel bad for

her and I enjoy her company once a year or so. But she simply has no boundaries.

> > > There are so many unresolved hurts in our past that I just can't stand to

be around her for very long. The worst part is I know we will never be able to

work through them because she simply doesn't have the emotional capacity to take

any responsibility for what she's done. And I'm afraid that being around her

causes me to pick up her behaviour patterns, the ones I've been working so hard

to break throughout my 20s.

> > > I'm in a stable relationship now and might consider having children some

day but it kills me to think I might put them through what she put me and my

brother through.

> > > Does anyone have experience with parents with BPD? How do you deal with

them?

> > >

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