Re: Can any one help me with this...

[Guest guest]

((((((nakisa)))))))

Don't worry, this is a safe place for you to talk about your feelings about your

borderline personality-disordered parents. All of us here were raised by and

damaged by a bpd parent or parents, so we understand what you experienced when

you were growing up.

It sounds to me like your counselor understands what kind of damage is done to

children raised by bpd parents; he or she is telling you that its OK for you to

grieve for what you did not have: a normal, loving, nurturing mommy and daddy.

I personally think that righteous anger is a normal phase of healing from the

damage. Anger gives you the strength and the power to say " enough is enough "

and lets you individuate from your abusive parents and stop seeing them through

the eyes of the child that you were. Anger lets you see them as the damaged,

toxic, sick people that they really are.

However, it sounds like the father of your child is not very empathetic toward

you and not supportive of you emotionally regarding the pain you are

experiencing regarding your abusive parents. So, you have two separate issues

to deal with: (1) how to manage a relationship with your abusive parents, and

(2) how to manage a relationship with your unsympathetic (and possibly abusive)

boyfriend.

I'm glad that you are seeing a counselor, and that you are reading " Stop Walking

On Eggshells. " Both of those things can help you understand the emotional

damage done to you by your parents, and help you set boundaries with your

parents and with your boyfriend so that you can have a healthier emotional life

as an independent adult.

Keep posting here when and if you can, we understand your situation and there

are members here who are going through very similar situations themselves.

Its good to know that you are not alone.

-Annie

>

> I've recently gone to my counsoller to help me with the anger at times I feel

towards my mom. My mom had left me in the care of my grandparents to study in a

different country when I was 5 months old.

> I remmeber all the jeoulesy she had towards me loving my for 3 years with my

grandparents. Any how, the counsellor said that my mom has BPD and it's normal

to feel these feelings and now I need to grieve over it which I understood. Now,

The problem is with my " significant other " ( which I have been emotinally

disconnected from for years and my child is the main reason we're together),

when I started to tell him about my moms condition he wasn't suprised. He said

that he had guessed it him self. And then the other day when I talked to him

about this support group on line, he said, the group makes you think of your

moms condition over and over again you better discontinue it. . Also, when I

mentioned that I got this book called stop walking on egg shells he mentioned

that instead of this book you need to buy fashion magazines and so you wouldn't

obsess about your mom's condition and her behaviour ( meaning mainly talking to

him about it). I got very upset beacuse He didn't have a nada or fada and expect

me to just " chill " or I'm just sweep the dirt under the rug. Oh, and also when I

mentioned that the counsellor was right about my mom, he said you better not go

cause what all counsellors do is to validate your story, that's what we do in

the care facility for seniors !!!!!!

> So, no I didn't canel my appointment but I'm just so heartbroken. We've been

together for a long time and he's behaviour is almost like a narcicist, but I'm

not sure, I'm not a psychologist so I can't just label him. I'm so heart broken

is beyond words. I dealt with my nada all my life and father that had anger

issues which would leave me all bruised at times. Sometimes, the only thing I'm

grateful from my parents is not been sextually abused although the emotional and

psychological abuse was quite painful.

>

> Today my co-worker sent me a you tube song by Nazareth called Broken Angel.

That made me cry. Somehow I felt understood.

> I usually don't leave a message on board cause I feel like back stabbing

people that I know but here I feel safe :]

>

[Guest guest]

Nakisa,

I'm sorry to hear how your partner is reacting to this. I had someone (a friend

from college) tell me that I do a lot of stuff that I don't really need to do.

(At the time, I was going to ACA and bible study).

However, they told me this when I couldn't coordinate and make plans to hang out

with them. I saw no other reason for them to say this. They went to Thailand for

many years, then came back and wanted to hang out. I was excited, but I found

that the 3 years apart had made up completely different. It was very

interesting...and a little disappointing, too. I think their words were said out

of hurt, too.

It is often very difficult to navigate in this world. There are so many people

who want to decide what is best for me, that it becomes confusing. It is the

hardest when we decide things that are best for us against others' wishes. I

have lost a few friends this way...however, it was ultimately better for me even

though the initial loss was quite painful.

I am not saying you need to disconnect from people. Sometimes, all that's

necessary is to reinstate or enforce your boundaries. Boundaries are important.

I never had them growing up and it is a challenging route to take but it is

healthier. Try Reading the book: " When I Say No, I feel Guilty " for some

boundary help too. It's an interesting read. There is also a book called " Whose

Life Is It Anyway? " I still have to delve into this but I think it will be good.

It has been said that boundaries are flexible, especially with those closest to

us. However, certain boundaries should not be crossed. It varies from person to

person so consider yours.

Joy

>

> I've recently gone to my counsoller to help me with the anger at times I feel

towards my mom. My mom had left me in the care of my grandparents to study in a

different country when I was 5 months old.

> I remmeber all the jeoulesy she had towards me loving my for 3 years with my

grandparents. Any how, the counsellor said that my mom has BPD and it's normal

to feel these feelings and now I need to grieve over it which I understood. Now,

The problem is with my " significant other " ( which I have been emotinally

disconnected from for years and my child is the main reason we're together),

when I started to tell him about my moms condition he wasn't suprised. He said

that he had guessed it him self. And then the other day when I talked to him

about this support group on line, he said, the group makes you think of your

moms condition over and over again you better discontinue it. . Also, when I

mentioned that I got this book called stop walking on egg shells he mentioned

that instead of this book you need to buy fashion magazines and so you wouldn't

obsess about your mom's condition and her behaviour ( meaning mainly talking to

him about it). I got very upset beacuse He didn't have a nada or fada and expect

me to just " chill " or I'm just sweep the dirt under the rug. Oh, and also when I

mentioned that the counsellor was right about my mom, he said you better not go

cause what all counsellors do is to validate your story, that's what we do in

the care facility for seniors !!!!!!

> So, no I didn't canel my appointment but I'm just so heartbroken. We've been

together for a long time and he's behaviour is almost like a narcicist, but I'm

not sure, I'm not a psychologist so I can't just label him. I'm so heart broken

is beyond words. I dealt with my nada all my life and father that had anger

issues which would leave me all bruised at times. Sometimes, the only thing I'm

grateful from my parents is not been sextually abused although the emotional and

psychological abuse was quite painful.

>

> Today my co-worker sent me a you tube song by Nazareth called Broken Angel.

That made me cry. Somehow I felt understood.

> I usually don't leave a message on board cause I feel like back stabbing

people that I know but here I feel safe :]

>

[Guest guest]

my oldest brother always thought this way too ( he was somewhat

narcissistic) he thought it's the past, dont think about it, and move

on...of course he was badly enmeshed with BPD witch/queen nada and so much

in denial about everything...he went through life with blinkers on where our

family was concerned...but he'd tell my siblings to not dwell on the past,

dont read, dont remember and dont think about it...like that would

instantaneously heal us !! My brother was very detached...he had no real

emotions...

Jackie

>I understand this sort of relationship with the 'significant other'. I had

>the same situation with my ex-husband. This denial and wanting me to

> " forget " about going over what happened to me. He never really wanted to

>talk about it and at the same time judged my family members for who they

>were and how perhaps they lived their lives in reaction to what we grew up

>with. He certainly did not want to emotionally support me in my healing.

>But for me it was really more of the same pattern that I grew up with.

>Parents who did not want to acknowledge how their problems affected us

>children, or support us with those problems.

>

> So, I am sorry you feel unsupported by this person who you share your life

> with. I can understand your emotional disconnect from him, and what

> sounds like your need for connection, support and love. I think that

> people who have not experienced mental illness in their lives/families,

> don't know at all the far reaching and long term effects of this on a

> person's life. They think you can just shrug it off and move on, without

> realizing it is burned into our cells and we need to do a lot of work to

> claim our lives as our own and not as part of this mental illness of

> someone else's. I think also these people don't want to also see the

> mental problems within their own lives and so reject looking at it period.

> ~offering you support in the good work you are doing for yourself...

> ~patricia

> Can any one help me with this...

>

>

> I've recently gone to my counsoller to help me with the anger at times I

> feel towards my mom. My mom had left me in the care of my grandparents to

> study in a different country when I was 5 months old.

> I remmeber all the jeoulesy she had towards me loving my for 3 years

> with my grandparents. Any how, the counsellor said that my mom has BPD and

> it's normal to feel these feelings and now I need to grieve over it which

> I understood. Now, The problem is with my " significant other " ( which I

> have been emotinally disconnected from for years and my child is the main

> reason we're together), when I started to tell him about my moms condition

> he wasn't suprised. He said that he had guessed it him self. And then the

> other day when I talked to him about this support group on line, he said,

> the group makes you think of your moms condition over and over again you

> better discontinue it. . Also, when I mentioned that I got this book

> called stop walking on egg shells he mentioned that instead of this book

> you need to buy fashion magazines and so you wouldn't obsess about your

> mom's condition and her behaviour ( meaning mainly talking to him about

> it). I got very upset beacuse He didn't have a nada or fada and expect me

> to just " chill " or I'm just sweep the dirt under the rug. Oh, and also

> when I mentioned that the counsellor was right about my mom, he said you

> better not go cause what all counsellors do is to validate your story,

> that's what we do in the care facility for seniors !!!!!!

> So, no I didn't canel my appointment but I'm just so heartbroken. We've

> been together for a long time and he's behaviour is almost like a

> narcicist, but I'm not sure, I'm not a psychologist so I can't just label

> him. I'm so heart broken is beyond words. I dealt with my nada all my life

> and father that had anger issues which would leave me all bruised at

> times. Sometimes, the only thing I'm grateful from my parents is not been

> sextually abused although the emotional and psychological abuse was quite

> painful.

>

> Today my co-worker sent me a you tube song by Nazareth called Broken

> Angel. That made me cry. Somehow I felt understood.

> I usually don't leave a message on board cause I feel like back stabbing

> people that I know but here I feel safe :]

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

> which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Nakisa,

I think this kind of reaction can come from a feeling in the other person that

your newer, healthier approach to emotions challenges their own script of how to

deal with emotions.  In your husband's case, it sounds like how he deals with

difficult emotions is to shove them under the rug, distract himself, and

minimize and deny the problem.  When you do something else with your difficult

emotions aside from what he does, it suggests that the old way isn't the only or

even the best way to deal with things and further suggests that perhaps what he

should really be doing is what you're doing, which would painful, unpleasant,

and even overwhelming.

People without nadas/fadas don't get what we've gone through, but everyone has

experienced uncomfortable and difficult emotions.  I think that healthy people

typically respond to things they don't understand with shock, disbelief, horror,

or even indignation.  People who have learned to deal with uncomfortable

emotions by minimizing or denying them tend to minimize and deny the experiences

of others.

How would you f eel if you just told him to cut it out?  That you don't want to

be told to get fashion magazines, that what he's saying is about the biggest

load of claptrap you've ever heard, and if he honestly believes that, then

you've got a bridge to sell him?

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

I can't believe how well you described his behaviour. Are you reading my mind (

hehe, just joking ). You're right I'm a kind of a person who wants to expose the

dirt under the rug. Even my co-worker said that to me.I've always been the black

sheep of the family. I would be beaten up but I would scream and voice the

truth I was seeing in the situations. Then I would be called a stubborn brat or

unrespectful but that wouldn't stop me.  

 

One time I was told by him that I'm the most judgemental person he's ever seen.

How I judge my nada cause he saintly believes that not everyone is perfect, Then

I told him then why other people  tell me that I'm not a judgemental person

and gave him examples. Then he said oh, maybe actually not, I think you see

things clearly sometimes but your reactions is not right ( meaning talking

about the incidents that are so overwhelming to him ) meaning, don't talk

about it much . I think he likes to keep his peace of mind and deny his

emotions but well then thanks to my consoller, she'd understand where I'm

coming from. After all these years of living together I'm just realizing how

terrified he is, poor guy.

It's so sad to realize how people who you think are the closest to you are

slowly work on you to deny the reality because it's so painful, overwhelming,

fearful for them. Sigh.....

 

 

Thanks again for your words. 

 

 

Subject: Re: Can any one help me with this...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Received: Saturday, December 12, 2009, 2:49 PM

 

Nakisa,

I think this kind of reaction can come from a feeling in the other person that

your newer, healthier approach to emotions challenges their own script of how to

deal with emotions.  In your husband's case, it sounds like how he deals with

difficult emotions is to shove them under the rug, distract himself, and

minimize and deny the problem.  When you do something else with your difficult

emotions aside from what he does, it suggests that the old way isn't the only

or even the best way to deal with things and further suggests that perhaps what

he should really be doing is what you're doing, which would painful, unpleasant,

and even overwhelming.

People without nadas/fadas don't get what we've gone through, but everyone has

experienced uncomfortable and difficult emotions.  I think that healthy people

typically respond to things they don't understand with shock, disbelief, horror,

or even indignation.  People who have learned to deal with uncomfortable

emotions by minimizing or denying them tend to minimize and deny the experiences

of others.

How would you f eel if you just told him to cut it out?  That you don't want to

be told to get fashion magazines, that what he's saying is about the biggest

load of claptrap you've ever heard, and if he honestly believes that, then

you've got a bridge to sell him?

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo. com/

[Guest guest]

Jackie~that is sad to me about your brother...being detached and not having

emotions. I know of some other people who have described this in their

siblings. It is so hard to imagine and it makes me wonder about this world; I

guess I am in a crisis of faith ....because I just don't understand why all this

struggle exists for so many people.

~patricia

Can any one help me with this...

>

>

> I've recently gone to my counsoller to help me with the anger at times I

> feel towards my mom. My mom had left me in the care of my grandparents to

> study in a different country when I was 5 months old.

> I remmeber all the jeoulesy she had towards me loving my for 3 years

> with my grandparents. Any how, the counsellor said that my mom has BPD and

> it's normal to feel these feelings and now I need to grieve over it which

> I understood. Now, The problem is with my " significant other " ( which I

> have been emotinally disconnected from for years and my child is the main

> reason we're together), when I started to tell him about my moms condition

> he wasn't suprised. He said that he had guessed it him self. And then the

> other day when I talked to him about this support group on line, he said,

> the group makes you think of your moms condition over and over again you

> better discontinue it. . Also, when I mentioned that I got this book

> called stop walking on egg shells he mentioned that instead of this book

> you need to buy fashion magazines and so you wouldn't obsess about your

> mom's condition and her behaviour ( meaning mainly talking to him about

> it). I got very upset beacuse He didn't have a nada or fada and expect me

> to just " chill " or I'm just sweep the dirt under the rug. Oh, and also

> when I mentioned that the counsellor was right about my mom, he said you

> better not go cause what all counsellors do is to validate your story,

> that's what we do in the care facility for seniors !!!!!!

> So, no I didn't canel my appointment but I'm just so heartbroken. We've

> been together for a long time and he's behaviour is almost like a

> narcicist, but I'm not sure, I'm not a psychologist so I can't just label

> him. I'm so heart broken is beyond words. I dealt with my nada all my life

> and father that had anger issues which would leave me all bruised at

> times. Sometimes, the only thing I'm grateful from my parents is not been

> sextually abused although the emotional and psychological abuse was quite

> painful.

>

> Today my co-worker sent me a you tube song by Nazareth called Broken

> Angel. That made me cry. Somehow I felt understood.

> I usually don't leave a message on board cause I feel like back stabbing

> people that I know but here I feel safe :]

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond

> ON THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the

> Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth)

> which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.