Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Joan, you are clearly in denial! Your husband is a pedophile and you need some help! The evidence is blatanly clear and you still think you need to ask if there is something wrong here. You married a man who had sex with your sister???? And tried to have sex with another sister? Does this sound like a normal, healthy, respectful relationship to you? Get yourself into therapy immediately! And keep that man away from your children and your grandchildren. You looked the other way while your husband sexually abused your daughters and wonder why they have issues with men?!? I'm surprised they don't have issues with YOU! > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 PS. This is the wrong board for this post. > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 I'm the daughter of a BPD fada but I dont have any special insight into this because of that. You're husband clearly has a serious red alert level problem and should probably be in jail as it sounds like he is a child molester and pedophile who may well have molested your daughters AND their friends (in addition to other members of your family). Are you really confused about THAT or are you wondering if these behaviors are because he has BPD? I quite honestly am not sure what you are looking for here, but I think you should definately get yourself AND your daughters to a professional for some counseling. I'm really at a loss here, but if you are looking for some widespread outpouring of sexual abuse at the hands of BPD fadas from this board then you are probably looking in the way wrong place. Not to say that there arent members that have experienced this kind of trauma but...it almost sounds like you are asking us if your daughters suffered at the hands of your husband. If so...then I would say it sure as heck sounds like it. Good luck > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Joan, What you're describing would be statuatory rape in many places regardless of whether the girls involved were " willing " . It sounds like he's one step above a pedophile in his tastes. (There's a term for men who are mainly attracted to girls just past puberty, but I can't remember what it is right now.) It isn't considered normal for adult men to act that way. Many men are attracted to younger women, but you're there's a difference between young women who are adults and young ladies who are still children emotionally. I don't think you're being paranoid when you wonder what he did to your daughters. You seem to have ample evidence that he's willing to sexually abuse teen-age girls. Please do your best to keep him from being alone with girls. If you knowingly allow him to be in situations where he abuses girls, you could get into legal trouble yourself. I think you need some help from people experienced with this type of problem, which is quite different from BPD. I don't think his desire to have sex with underage girls is likely to just go away. He needs serious help in learning to not act on his attractions. At 08:54 PM 08/20/2009 Joan wrote: > I just need to ask the board what you all think.¦nbsp; My > husband of 33 years has shown signs of prefering young girls. > here are the signs. >1. He met me when he was 27 and I was 15.¦nbsp; We married the >next year.¦nbsp; >2. he tried to have sex with my 16 year old sister >3. he had sex with my 14 year old sister when he was 29 >4. he told my 14 year old daughter that she couldn't have her >friends over because " they sexually excite him " he was Then 48 >5. he tried to hook up with one of my daughters friends in the >middle of the night.¦nbsp; he said he just wanted to talk >because she made him feel young >6. I've heard him refer to a 6 year old girl as a " little >Bitch " >7. He says that the 14 year old daughter of my best friend came >on to him but he ignored her. >8. His sister is 7 years younger and she told my grown daughter >that when she was developing around 10 or 11 that he would spy >on her when she got dressed but she also cried for an hour and >told my daughter something else that she won't say, but I know >my husband told me that he tried to feel her up when she was 12 >that would make him 19.¦nbsp; My daughter won't tell me what it >was but it's enough that my sister in law want's to confront >him.¦nbsp; My daughter did tell me that I should not leave my >husband alone with our little granddaughters. >9. My four daughters all say they think something may have >happened to them when they were little but they don't know >what. >10.¦nbsp; he tells me that he want's me to look like I did when >he met me and he get's mad at me because only I have control >over that. > >Are there any daughters on the board with BPD fathers who might >have some insight into this?¦nbsp; All of my daughtes have some >kind of problem with men. One of them even hates men.¦nbsp; She >is married but can't stand men to look at her. >I just can't figure it out.¦nbsp; Should I suspect him of >abusing his own daughters?¦nbsp; Am I too paranoid?¦nbsp; Do >all men like young girls?¦nbsp; I don't know.¦nbsp; Please give >me some feed back. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 I'm so sorry but from what you have written, in my opinion your husband is a predator of young girls: a child rapist. An adult who has sex with a 14-year-old has committed statutory rape. And frankly I am astonished that you stayed married to this person after you found out that he attempted to seduce one of your younger sisters and actually had sex with the other one. From what you have described, it sounds to me like he also forced his own even younger sister to have sex with him when she was a child. That is criminal child abuse. I am willing to bet based on the other information you have written that your husband has also very likely molested other young girls including his own daughters, but for some reason your daughters felt and still feel unable to confide in you about it. At least your daughters have made it clear to you that their own little girls are not safe around him; that is very telling. Perhaps your daughters are protecting you, or perhaps they are terrified of their father; maybe he threatened them with some horrible consequence if they told you? But as their mother its your job to protect them, so please talk to them about it. I hope you will have the strength of character to uncover the truth from your husband's sister and your own daughters, and if the truth is that he has indeed committed sexual crimes against children, insist that your husband turn himself in. A child predator is a danger to any child he happens to come across, needs psychotherapy, and should do time for any/all the sexual crimes he has committed. Child predators keep molesting children until they are forcibly stopped. All the children and former children he has hurt deserve justice. -Annie > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone.  It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 If even two of those things you say about him are true he’s a sexual predator and pedophile…. Maybe even a rapist. And your daughters might not feel they can trust you. It seems obvious what is going on and they must think that you either know and don’t care to stop it or…. ? Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854 Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 8:50 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Father Abuse I'm so sorry but from what you have written, in my opinion your husband is a predator of young girls: a child rapist. An adult who has sex with a 14-year-old has committed statutory rape. And frankly I am astonished that you stayed married to this person after you found out that he attempted to seduce one of your younger sisters and actually had sex with the other one. From what you have described, it sounds to me like he also forced his own even younger sister to have sex with him when she was a child. That is criminal child abuse. I am willing to bet based on the other information you have written that your husband has also very likely molested other young girls including his own daughters, but for some reason your daughters felt and still feel unable to confide in you about it. At least your daughters have made it clear to you that their own little girls are not safe around him; that is very telling. Perhaps your daughters are protecting you, or perhaps they are terrified of their father; maybe he threatened them with some horrible consequence if they told you? But as their mother its your job to protect them, so please talk to them about it. I hope you will have the strength of character to uncover the truth from your husband's sister and your own daughters, and if the truth is that he has indeed committed sexual crimes against children, insist that your husband turn himself in. A child predator is a danger to any child he happens to come across, needs psychotherapy, and should do time for any/all the sexual crimes he has committed. Child predators keep molesting children until they are forcibly stopped. All the children and former children he has hurt deserve justice. -Annie > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Also he seems to not care about spying on his *sister* when she's naked??? Not to mention the other things. that means he doesn't have the normal social taboos we all do, and that's not normal. This is a hard subject for me having been abused by my cousin when I was very young. I hope you can let your daughters know you are there for them now and you prevent him doing any more harm. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of W. A. Max Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 10:26 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Father Abuse I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone. It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Please, please do not let your granddaughters in your home if he is present. On Fri, Aug 21, 2009 at 12:09 AM, Dawn wrote: > > > If even two of those things you say about him are true he’s a sexual > predator and pedophile…. Maybe even a rapist. > > And your daughters might not feel they can trust you. It seems obvious what > is going on and they must think that you either know and don’t care to stop > it or…. ? > > Dawn > > From: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> > [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>] > On Behalf Of anuria67854 > Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 8:50 PM > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> > Subject: Re: Father Abuse > > I'm so sorry but from what you have written, in my opinion your husband is > a > predator of young girls: a child rapist. > > An adult who has sex with a 14-year-old has committed statutory rape. > > And frankly I am astonished that you stayed married to this person after > you > found out that he attempted to seduce one of your younger sisters and > actually had sex with the other one. > > From what you have described, it sounds to me like he also forced his own > even younger sister to have sex with him when she was a child. > That is criminal child abuse. > > I am willing to bet based on the other information you have written that > your husband has also very likely molested other young girls including his > own daughters, but for some reason your daughters felt and still feel > unable > to confide in you about it. At least your daughters have made it clear to > you that their own little girls are not safe around him; that is very > telling. Perhaps your daughters are protecting you, or perhaps they are > terrified of their father; maybe he threatened them with some horrible > consequence if they told you? But as their mother its your job to protect > them, so please talk to them about it. > > I hope you will have the strength of character to uncover the truth from > your husband's sister and your own daughters, and if the truth is that he > has indeed committed sexual crimes against children, insist that your > husband turn himself in. A child predator is a danger to any child he > happens to come across, needs psychotherapy, and should do time for any/all > the sexual crimes he has committed. Child predators keep molesting children > until they are forcibly stopped. > > All the children and former children he has hurt deserve justice. > > -Annie > > > > > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > > >to hear from you. > > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > > >KY. > > > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > > >one of my better moves. > > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > > >the best. > > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > > >this time. > > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > > >please let me know. > > >Take care, > > > > > >Love, > > > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > > >made my day. > > > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 you are not being paranoid !! given the history of your husband, I would say he did " do something " to your daughters, and no, this is NOT normal for men !! Jackie I just need to ask the board what you all think. My husband of 33 years has shown signs of prefering young girls. here are the signs. 1. He met me when he was 27 and I was 15. We married the next year. 2. he tried to have sex with my 16 year old sister 3. he had sex with my 14 year old sister when he was 29 4. he told my 14 year old daughter that she couldn't have her friends over because " they sexually excite him " he was Then 48 5. he tried to hook up with one of my daughters friends in the middle of the night. he said he just wanted to talk because she made him feel young 6. I've heard him refer to a 6 year old girl as a " little Bitch " 7. He says that the 14 year old daughter of my best friend came on to him but he ignored her. 8. His sister is 7 years younger and she told my grown daughter that when she was developing around 10 or 11 that he would spy on her when she got dressed but she also cried for an hour and told my daughter something else that she won't say, but I know my husband told me that he tried to feel her up when she was 12 that would make him 19. My daughter won't tell me what it was but it's enough that my sister in law want's to confront him. My daughter did tell me that I should not leave my husband alone with our little granddaughters. 9. My four daughters all say they think something may have happened to them when they were little but they don't know what. 10. he tells me that he want's me to look like I did when he met me and he get's mad at me because only I have control over that. Are there any daughters on the board with BPD fathers who might have some insight into this? All of my daughtes have some kind of problem with men. One of them even hates men. She is married but can't stand men to look at her. I just can't figure it out. Should I suspect him of abusing his own daughters? Am I too paranoid? Do all men like young girls? I don't know. Please give me some feed back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Joan - He's a pedophile who has acted on his perversions several times. No child is safe around him, and your daughters probably think you have been complicit in their abuse, because it's been going on for so long. I know it must be scary to think of " rocking the boat " and exposing your family to the embarrassment and financial effects of having him locked up - but he needs to be off the street, away from kids, and getting whatever treatment is available. Do you need some help in turning him in? ] > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Joan , I remember your name from the site of living with a BP partner. I fully support that your husband has crossed many boundaries here. His boldness in telling you all of this, I view as a mixed blessings. The bad part is that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, but he is giving you insight via his behavior and words. Sometimes it is hard for this kind of behavior to come to light. What is important here- is where do you go from here- no question your husband's obesession with younger girls is something you have no control over- but you have control over where you fit into your life with him. So I hope you have a healthy ending for you and your daughters- as for your husband I hope he sees that what he has done is not healthy for anyone- especially his family. Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , Joan wrote: > > I just need to ask the board what you all think. My husband of 33 years has shown signs of prefering young girls. here are the signs. > 1. He met me when he was 27 and I was 15. We married the next year. > 2. he tried to have sex with my 16 year old sister > 3. he had sex with my 14 year old sister when he was 29 > 4. he told my 14 year old daughter that she couldn't have her friends over because " they sexually excite him " he was Then 48 > 5. he tried to hook up with one of my daughters friends in the middle of the night. he said he just wanted to talk because she made him feel young > 6. I've heard him refer to a 6 year old girl as a " little Bitch " > 7. He says that the 14 year old daughter of my best friend came on to him but he ignored her. > 8. His sister is 7 years younger and she told my grown daughter that when she was developing around 10 or 11 that he would spy on her when she got dressed but she also cried for an hour and told my daughter something else that she won't say, but I know my husband told me that he tried to feel her up when she was 12 that would make him 19. My daughter won't tell me what it was but it's enough that my sister in law want's to confront him. My daughter did tell me that I should not leave my husband alone with our little granddaughters. > 9. My four daughters all say they think something may have happened to them when they were little but they don't know what. > 10. he tells me that he want's me to look like I did when he met me and he get's mad at me because only I have control over that. > > Are there any daughters on the board with BPD fathers who might have some insight into this? All of my daughtes have some kind of problem with men. One of them even hates men. She is married but can't stand men to look at her. > I just can't figure it out. Should I suspect him of abusing his own daughters? Am I too paranoid? Do all men like young girls? I don't know. Please give me some feed back. > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 1:26:47 PM > Subject: Re: OMG!!! A small bit of validation!!! > >  > Sara Jo, > > That's wonderful! Sometimes mentally healthy people do see the > error of their ways, unlike our nadas who mostly can't admit to > ever having made mistakes. > > At 01:13 PM 08/20/2009 love_the_music2000 wrote: > >So two years ago, when I started seperating from NADA, > >everything was turned upside down. Nada had turned the whole > >side of the > >family against me and it was really tough to go through it. > >My aunt made me send her trumpets back to her that she had > >given me years before. She wrote me a cold and nasty letter > >requesting me to send them back, I guess because she was mad > >about me because of nada, or whatever. It broke my heart in > >half. We used to be close. But I send them back anyway and > >moved on with my life. > > > >For some reason, last night, I decided to make contact with > >this aunt. I don't know why, but I just felt safe doing it, > >even though I am normally scared to death about stuff like > >that. But here is what I wrote: > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Thank you all for your input. I'm sorry taht I did'nt give you all the full story. I just couldn't bring myself to type it because it's so complicated. But the real complication is the fact that my husband died 3 months ago. Can;t say much more right now. thank you all but I am going to pursue the subject with my daughters untill I'm sure of the truth, and most definetly get threapy ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:25:48 PM Subject: Re: Father Abuse  I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone.  It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Joan, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can understand that would bring a lot to the surface, and it must be a lot to deal with this question on top of the loss. In my mind, it's a very brave thing to begin to approach. Many women never have the courage to face what their husbands might have done and never ask the question, even in their own minds. I would want to add that your daughters may not know the truth at this point, and they may not have the courage yet to tell you what they do know. It is very hard to face the idea of abuse from your own father, and can take some time to sort out. If you support them in whatever approach they take to this, it may mean a lot to them. Take care, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz.yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Joan , I too am so sorry for your loss- and as one door closes, maybe it is time for another door to open. I would definitely suggest talking to a therapist- if you aren't. It sounds like this has become part of your grieving process- but that means it is also part of your healing process too. Many blessings- and share when you can and what you can. malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , Joan wrote: > > Thank you all for your input. I'm sorry taht I did'nt give you all the full story. I just couldn't bring myself to type it because it's so complicated. But the real complication is the fact that my husband died 3 months ago. Can;t say much more right now. thank you all but I am going to pursue the subject with my daughters untill I'm sure of the truth, and most definetly get threapy > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:25:48 PM > Subject: Re: Father Abuse > >  > I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. > > I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. > > I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. > > There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone.  It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. > > I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. > > Best of luck, > Ashana > > See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Joan, Because of your post I've been researching the " age of consent " and found out that it varies from state to state in the USA, and from culture to culture around the world. In the USA and Canada, Great Britain, Russia, India, parts of North Africa, South Africa, and Australia the *youngest* " age of consent " for sexual intercourse is 16 years. I discovered to my horror that in most of the Spanish-speaking world the " age of consent " is much, much lower. I was absolutely shocked to see that in most of Mexico and in all of the Philippines, it is legal for adults to have sex with NINE YEAR OLD CHILDREN. Little third-graders, for Christ's sake!! Good God in heaven, that is a crime against humanity in my opinion!! That makes me want to vomit. Here's the source I used: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ef/Age_of_Consent.png But in most cultures incest is taboo from a religious as well as a civil perspective, and your husband seems/seemed to be violating that prohibition in spades. I do hope that you offer your daughters your true remorse for not having protected them, and offer them the therapy they need to help them heal from the damage done to them, as well as therapy for yourself. -Annie > > Thank you all for your input. I'm sorry taht I did'nt give you all the full story. I just couldn't bring myself to type it because it's so complicated. But the real complication is the fact that my husband died 3 months ago. Can;t say much more right now. thank you all but I am going to pursue the subject with my daughters untill I'm sure of the truth, and most definetly get threapy > > > > > ________________________________ > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 11:25:48 PM > Subject: Re: Father Abuse > >  > I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. > > I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. > > I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. > > There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone.  It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. > > I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. > > Best of luck, > Ashana > > See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Thank you Dawn. I'm sorry to hear of your abuse. I am also sorry I left out important information. My daughters are adults now. The hard part is that we buried their father recently. I am so ashamed that I didn't really consider this untill it was too late. Much of the information about him just surfaced. I wish I had known years ago. My sister didn't tell me until just recently when I told her about my sisterin law who also just told my daughter about the abuse which led to my daughter telling me the other things about her friends. I wish I had been more observant. That's definitly an issue to raise with a threapist. but thank you for your input. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 1:16:12 AM Subject: RE: Father Abuse  Also he seems to not care about spying on his *sister* when she's naked??? Not to mention the other things. that means he doesn't have the normal social taboos we all do, and that's not normal. This is a hard subject for me having been abused by my cousin when I was very young. I hope you can let your daughters know you are there for them now and you prevent him doing any more harm. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of W. A. Max Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 10:26 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com Subject: Re: Father Abuse I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone. It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Thank you , It was stupid of me to leave out the most complicated point. My husband died. I am so confused. I am going to pursue this further with my daughters but first I think I need to get some help sorting it out. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 8:18:53 AM Subject: Re: Father Abuse  Joan - He's a pedophile who has acted on his perversions several times. No child is safe around him, and your daughters probably think you have been complicit in their abuse, because it's been going on for so long. I know it must be scary to think of " rocking the boat " and exposing your family to the embarrassment and financial effects of having him locked up - but he needs to be off the street, away from kids, and getting whatever treatment is available. Do you need some help in turning him in? ] > > > >Hey Aunt L, > > > >I hope this email finds you, it was the only one I remember > >that you had. I know you had others, but could not find them. > >I just wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I think of > >you a lot. I also wonder how G is doing. He must be huge by > >now. My sister told me a while back that you are working for > >the govt again, and I wonder where you are. It would be so nice > >to hear from you. > >I hope you're doing well....I'm doing pretty good, and still in > >KY. > > > >Hope to hear back from you soon. Love, Sara Jo > > > > > >And here is the email response I got this morning: > > > >Dear Sara Jo, > >You can't even imagine how glad I was to hear from you! I miss > >you and your sister and your mom so much! You're right, > > is getting huge and has an ornery streak and sweetness > >that reminds me of you so much when you were a little girl. He > >is going to have a baby brother in a couple of months. At > >least we are pretty sure it's a boy. > >I started working for the govt again last June and had a > >deployment in Bridgeport of all places. Then went to TX for 3 > >months. Uncle B is now on his first deployment and we are in > >WV. We arent's too far away from each other, are we? We will > >only be here for a couple more weeks, maybe we can meet? > >Listen, between all the every day disfunction of our family, > >something has weighed terribly on my mind. I owe you a huge > >apology. I should never have asked you to send those trumpets > >back to me. It was a cold and thoughtless thing to do, > >especially since I don't even play them. I hope you will > >forgive me. I think about it often and believe me, it wasn't > >one of my better moves. > >I have heard about you some over the years, and my > >congratulatins are very late about your marriage and your > >buying a house. I am very proud of you and I hope things just > >keep getting better for you. Both you and your sister deserve > >the best. > >I know there is so much more to say, but I won't over do it > >this time. > >Please keep in touch. If there is anything you ever need, > >please let me know. > >Take care, > > > >Love, > > > >Lori Jo > > > > > >This is the first time a family member has ever apologized for > >me about anything. Maybe my persecution is over. This email > >made my day. > > > >Thanks, Sara Jo > > -- > Katrina > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2009 Report Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hello Joan. I want to extend my deep sympathies on the death of your husband. I would imagine that these issues mightily compound your grief and issues as a new widow. I send you encouragement as you continue to work this through with your daughters, and in your own heart and life. It is a worthy goal to strive toward healing for all involved. Sincerely, > > Thank you all for your input. I'm sorry taht I did'nt give you all the full story. I just couldn't bring myself to type it because it's so complicated. But the real complication is the fact that my husband died 3 months ago. Can;t say much more right now. thank you all but I am going to pursue the subject with my daughters untill I'm sure of the truth, and most definetly get threapy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2009 Report Share Posted August 22, 2009 I’m sorry, Joan. This must be a horribly difficult time for you. I would go to therapy, not just to get help for yourself but maybe the therapist can give you some ideas and things to say to figure out if your daughters are wanting or willing to talk about it… or if they need to with you. They may not be able to right now and you have to accept that. It can tear open wounds and if they aren’t ready to deal with them they can self destruct. And please, whatever you do please make sure they know you believe them and that you love them. When I finally told my nada she screamed and raved at me, telling me I made it up just to hurt her. It took me 15 years to trust anyone that much again and I’m still messed up. I know my Grandmother knew what my grandfather was doing to their daughters. She didn’t care except that she was jealous and treated whoever was his favorite at the time the worst. She acted like they were seducing him away from her. I believe that this is a second kind of rape and really damaged my nada. Though you didn’t do it on purpose it is going to take a lot of healing for them to move past it. As for you not knowing… I can believe it’s possible for a person to hide their evils to an extent but there are tells if you are paying attention. The problem is that reality seems too much to bear as our subconscious picks up on the clues and we deny it and convince ourselves it’s not true. I did this the times my ex (who I believe is BPD like nada) would force himself on me, or when he was manipulating me or raging. I would say to myself that I deserved it, it was a normal and rational response to what I did… but it wasn’t. I was just conditioned by my BPD mother and my own fear to acknowledge the huge mistake I made trying to make a life with him. I can’t say in your shoes I would know for sure and do something about it (if I knew I would for sure!! And it would probably be a bad reaction). I hope I never have to go through it to find out though. I hope you can get the help you need and you and your family can work on healing now. It is a good sign to me that you are here now trying discover and I truly believe love can heal. Just be patient with your daughters. It hurts so much, I can’t even explain it. There is so much guilt. For many years I struggled dealing with what my cousin did. I was 5 and he was 12 yet for most of my life I blamed myself more than him. I would just destroy myself over it so mostly I blocked it out and refused to acknowledge it. I remember when I was 8 it was popular with the girls to mimic Madonna and her “like a virgin†song was popular. So all the girls would proudly say “I’m a virgin, what about you?!â€. And I would feel so ashamed but I would lie, and say I am too… and feel horrible for lying… feeling God had surely forsaken me and would never forgive me for these evils. And I also remember other horrible thoughts. I shouldn’t have trusted him, I shouldn’t have gone alone with him, I should have known better, I am a slut, I deserved it, he couldn’t help doing it to me.. you get the idea. These thoughts are insane but they are what I used to think and sometimes I get caught up in that loop again. Now, standing back I can see I didn’t trust him and went off with him because he paid attention to me when no one else did. I was invisible except when I was being screamed at or punished. He made me feel special and I loved him like a big brother with all my being. Then one day instead of just playing cards in the closet, hiding from my mom’s usual wrath that we weren’t doing chores or whatever, he did it. And there comes the worst guilt, I didn’t know what he was doing but I knew it was wrong… so wrong but I didn’t fight him. I just pretended to be asleep. That last bit I still haven’t forgiven myself for. I hope this isn’t too painful for you but maybe you can understand some of what your daughters may be feeling. It is worse when it is your father I think. He is the protector. Though I never trusted mine to protect me. Take care of yourself. Your daughters need you. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1 [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Joan Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 2:48 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1 Subject: Re: Father Abuse Thank you Dawn. I'm sorry to hear of your abuse. I am also sorry I left out important information. My daughters are adults now. The hard part is that we buried their father recently. I am so ashamed that I didn't really consider this untill it was too late. Much of the information about him just surfaced. I wish I had known years ago. My sister didn't tell me until just recently when I told her about my sisterin law who also just told my daughter about the abuse which led to my daughter telling me the other things about her friends. I wish I had been more observant. That's definitly an issue to raise with a threapist. but thank you for your input. ________________________________ From: Dawn <blaidd1@... <mailto:blaidd1%40pendraig.com> > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 1:16:12 AM Subject: RE: Father Abuse Also he seems to not care about spying on his *sister* when she's naked??? Not to mention the other things. that means he doesn't have the normal social taboos we all do, and that's not normal. This is a hard subject for me having been abused by my cousin when I was very young. I hope you can let your daughters know you are there for them now and you prevent him doing any more harm. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of W. A. Max Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 10:26 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com Subject: Re: Father Abuse I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone. It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Thank you Dawn, I have to make this short since I can't stop crying. But I want you to know that I will absolutly listen and believe anything my daughters say. We are very close and they are more dear to me than anything in the world. I can only hope that when they do confide in me that it will be good news but I'm willing to accept what ever it is, and believe me I'm have apoligized to them. And I will continue to take responsibility for any actions or non actions I made. I will do anything for them. take care and I hope the best for you and your mother. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Sunday, August 23, 2009 12:07:58 AM Subject: RE: Father Abuse  I’m sorry, Joan. This must be a horribly difficult time for you. I would go to therapy, not just to get help for yourself but maybe the therapist can give you some ideas and things to say to figure out if your daughters are wanting or willing to talk about it… or if they need to with you. They may not be able to right now and you have to accept that. It can tear open wounds and if they aren’t ready to deal with them they can self destruct. And please, whatever you do please make sure they know you believe them and that you love them. When I finally told my nada she screamed and raved at me, telling me I made it up just to hurt her. It took me 15 years to trust anyone that much again and I’m still messed up. I know my Grandmother knew what my grandfather was doing to their daughters. She didn’t care except that she was jealous and treated whoever was his favorite at the time the worst. She acted like they were seducing him away from her. I believe that this is a second kind of rape and really damaged my nada. Though you didn’t do it on purpose it is going to take a lot of healing for them to move past it. As for you not knowing… I can believe it’s possible for a person to hide their evils to an extent but there are tells if you are paying attention. The problem is that reality seems too much to bear as our subconscious picks up on the clues and we deny it and convince ourselves it’s not true. I did this the times my ex (who I believe is BPD like nada) would force himself on me, or when he was manipulating me or raging. I would say to myself that I deserved it, it was a normal and rational response to what I did… but it wasn’t. I was just conditioned by my BPD mother and my own fear to acknowledge the huge mistake I made trying to make a life with him. I can’t say in your shoes I would know for sure and do something about it (if I knew I would for sure!! And it would probably be a bad reaction). I hope I never have to go through it to find out though. I hope you can get the help you need and you and your family can work on healing now. It is a good sign to me that you are here now trying discover and I truly believe love can heal. Just be patient with your daughters. It hurts so much, I can’t even explain it. There is so much guilt. For many years I struggled dealing with what my cousin did. I was 5 and he was 12 yet for most of my life I blamed myself more than him. I would just destroy myself over it so mostly I blocked it out and refused to acknowledge it. I remember when I was 8 it was popular with the girls to mimic Madonna and her “like a virginâ€� song was popular. So all the girls would proudly say “I’m a virgin, what about you?!â€�. And I would feel so ashamed but I would lie, and say I am too… and feel horrible for lying… feeling God had surely forsaken me and would never forgive me for these evils. And I also remember other horrible thoughts. I shouldn’t have trusted him, I shouldn’t have gone alone with him, I should have known better, I am a slut, I deserved it, he couldn’t help doing it to me.. you get the idea. These thoughts are insane but they are what I used to think and sometimes I get caught up in that loop again. Now, standing back I can see I didn’t trust him and went off with him because he paid attention to me when no one else did. I was invisible except when I was being screamed at or punished. He made me feel special and I loved him like a big brother with all my being. Then one day instead of just playing cards in the closet, hiding from my mom’s usual wrath that we weren’t doing chores or whatever, he did it. And there comes the worst guilt, I didn’t know what he was doing but I knew it was wrong… so wrong but I didn’t fight him. I just pretended to be asleep. That last bit I still haven’t forgiven myself for. I hope this isn’t too painful for you but maybe you can understand some of what your daughters may be feeling. It is worse when it is your father I think. He is the protector. Though I never trusted mine to protect me. Take care of yourself. Your daughters need you. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of Joan Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 2:48 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com Subject: Re: Father Abuse Thank you Dawn. I'm sorry to hear of your abuse. I am also sorry I left out important information. My daughters are adults now. The hard part is that we buried their father recently. I am so ashamed that I didn't really consider this untill it was too late. Much of the information about him just surfaced. I wish I had known years ago. My sister didn't tell me until just recently when I told her about my sisterin law who also just told my daughter about the abuse which led to my daughter telling me the other things about her friends. I wish I had been more observant. That's definitly an issue to raise with a threapist. but thank you for your input. ____________ _________ _________ __ From: Dawn <blaidd1pendraig (DOT) com <mailto:blaidd1% 40pendraig. com> > To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com <mailto:WTOAdultChi ldren1%40yahoogr oups.com> Sent: Friday, August 21, 2009 1:16:12 AM Subject: RE: Father Abuse Also he seems to not care about spying on his *sister* when she's naked??? Not to mention the other things. that means he doesn't have the normal social taboos we all do, and that's not normal. This is a hard subject for me having been abused by my cousin when I was very young. I hope you can let your daughters know you are there for them now and you prevent him doing any more harm. Dawn From: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com [mailto:WTOAdultChi ldren1@ yahoogroups. com] On Behalf Of W. A. Max Sent: Thursday, August 20, 2009 10:26 PM To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com Subject: Re: Father Abuse I think it's clear you're describing a pedophile. I have a bpd mother. I don't know what was wrong with my dad in general (he seems in retrospect to have also had a pd) sexually abused me and my sister. I don't think there's any correlation between pedophilia and pds, but having a pd diminishes your capacity for empathy and therefore makes acting on your harmful desires a lot easier. I don't think you should wonder about your own daughters--I think you should be almost certain he abused your daughters. I would see your grandchildren without him. It's almost impossible to not ever leave the room, and it only takes less than 60 seconds to molest a child. There are two parts to the issue, really. One is his attraction, which is not exactly ordinary. Twelve year olds do not look like attractive potential partners to grown men. A 17-year-old might, but not a 12-year-old. The other part is that it does not seem to register to him that it is wrong--not just that it's not wrong to act on it--but that it's so wrong, he should feel so ashamed of it that he wouldn't want to tell anyone. It suggests not just that he has pedophilia (which is the desire part of it), but that there is also a completely separate problem with his conscience and with his ability to feel empathy. I have high school age students. If someone did to their sisters what your husband describes doing to his own sister, they would probably do serious bodily harm to him. It's not just that they wouldn't feel up their own younger sisters, but they would see it as so wrong for an unrelated older person to do it, that they would be beside themselves with rage. Best of luck, Ashana See the Web & #39;s breaking stories, chosen by people like you. Check out Yahoo! Buzz. http://in.buzz. yahoo.com/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2009 Report Share Posted August 23, 2009 Joan, On a personal note, I want to encourage you to make sure to take the time you need to for your OWN grief. You have some very big issues on your plate and it seems clear that you want to look to the wellbeing of your daughters and their families. But, as a widow myself, I want to say that you really need to address your own loss, shock, grief, sorrow, sense of inadequacy, or whatever you are dealing with at any given moment. This will be a long process for you most likely. As moms, we want so badly to look out for our kids, no matter their age. And you have some extenuating circumstances here that may draw you to put most of your time and effort into them. I'd ask you to try hard to keep a balance and look out for yourself as well. If you are not caring for your own health and wellbeing, you won't be able to come alongside anyone else in their journey. In fact, it could do more damage in the long run. It's okay and even necessary to be aware of and care for your own needs right now. I think I recall that you are going to look for a Therapist. It may be wise to look for someone who specializes in grief and loss, and/or perhaps trauma survival. Any one of these issues on their own is hugely life changing, but all together they are bigger than we can imagine. Taking time for your own personal grief is so important. For me, I've found it comes and goes in waves. Some nights all you will do is cry, and that's okay. Another day you may wake up and find you feel ready to take on the world ... and then by lunchtime you want to climb back into bed. All of that is normal. I would just hate to see you neglect yourself during this terribly difficult time. You are worth the time and effort it will take to heal and work towards your own health. Sincerely, > > Thank you Dawn, I have to make this short since I can't stop crying. But I want you to know that I will absolutly listen and believe anything my daughters say. We are very close and they are more dear to me than anything in the world. I can only hope that when they do confide in me that it will be good news but I'm willing to accept what ever it is, and believe me I'm have apoligized to them. And I will continue to take responsibility for any actions or non actions I made. I will do anything for them. take care and I hope the best for you and your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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