Re: Question about waiting for the other shoe to drop

[Guest guest]

Hey folks - This is an interesting thread. Mozz wrote, " she did always have to

take me down a notch or two if I had good news or was happy about something.

Also one of her favorite things to say is " It's always *something*, isn't it? " ,

meaning there's always something bad, annoying, wrong or crazy happening. She's

always resentful about something. I think she feels she deserved more in life

but she can't see that she has brought most of her misery on herself. " This

struck a chord with me - my mom has bipolar behavior as well as the BPD, so she

swings from manic (Let's build a McMansion so we can all live together!) to

very depressive (I'm going to be living out of a grocery cart, and nobody

cares...). So as a kid, what I got was this bizarre range of wild optimism and

no-hope pessimism, often about the same event or subject.

However, after leaving home and getting back into school, I learned that

" working a plan " is an excellent way to set myself up so that I can both expect

and deserve " good things. " I.e., if you follow the required curriculum,

eventually you will earn a degree. If you protect your credit rating, then get

all your paperwork and down payment together, you can expect to qualify for a

decent home loan on an affordable house. If you take care of your car, you can

expect to get some trade-in value when you want a new car. That sort of thing.

Of course, it IS " always something " - hurricanes hit, houses burn down, people

get sick, stuff happens. But once we've learned that doing the work and

following the plan does lead to good things, I think it helps us calm down and

stop thinking that everything is tied to fate. We can start again after

tragedies. We can overcome obstacles. It may take more time than we thought,

but eventually we can achieve some sort of success or victory. Sure beats

despair!

This has made me a rather obsessive user of checklists. If all my ducks are in

a row, I feel like I'm ready to receive whatever rewards come my way - and I can

go back and assure myself that I am worthy of them. On the other hand, if

things fall apart, I have some " stored up " achievements that make it easier to

go to Plan B, or start over. This doesn't make me a fascinatingly serendipitous

person (sort of a grind, rather) - however, I've found that plodding along gets

me where I'm going much faster than sitting still and crying " Why me? "

> >

> > I struggle with that also, - esp in the past few years when really bad

things DO keep happening. But even before that, I would find myslef surprisingly

expecting odd things ... like after buying a house, I was expecting someone

would show up and say, " We made a mistake. Give us back the key. " I think it's

a flea, at least for me. I was not raised around optimism, and I followed what I

was taught.

> >

> > I don't think I've been overly pessimistic all my life or anything, but I do

think I've been realistic in expecting some things to just be challenging.

Sometimes it makes me sad, other times I'm glad I've been realistic about the

possibilities. My late husband was a realist, but also very optimistic. I loved

that about him! It helped me to be more optimistic as well. Interestingly, my

ex-husband was more of an Eeyore, and I was in some ways more optimistic around

that. (The dysfunction of that relationship is a whole other book!)

> >

> > My feeling is that as KOs, we can have a lot of emotional dysregulation

which we likely saw modeled to us by our BPD parents. And we certainly didn't

spend our formative years relaxed and hopeful. I do prefer it when I am more

optimistic. I trust I'll be back there some day. Right now I know I am

struggling quite a bit with depression, and tho it's improved some, I know

that's a large part of my issue with this currently.

> >

> > Have you been able to sit with your unexpected feelings and listen to where

they are coming from? Or perhaps tie it in to something from your past that

brought on similar feelings? For instance, when you were glad about something,

were you shot down by nada? I think my fada could not tolerate ANY strong

emotion, good or bad. I remember trying very hard to be as even keeled

emotionally as possible when I was at home. Away from home, I was very

different. Just some thoughts to take or leave.

> >

> > Take care,

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz

I am often overcome with the urge to use it, so here goes..Welcome to OZ! lol

It s pretty common. Part of what nada steals from us in our joy. Its hard to

learn to take it back.

If I have a great accomplishment, nada was there, bragging about how wonderful I

was , but in such a way that it seemed I did well because of her. When I made

All State Chorus in high school, somehow the conversation got around to when

she was in Symphonic choir in college.

When a beautiful girl, that I was crazy about , started dating me, the

conversation went to how great things were for her and Dad before he started

s & & & ing around on her.

When I got a good job and started bringing in money, suddenly I was the one

getting the sob story about how tough it was and all the financial needs she

had. Of course everyone got that story, it was easier to live that way than to

be responsible on the job, and not have affairs with the boss and end up fired

at the insistance of the bosses wife.

If I got a raise, and told her, she d manage to need exactly what my increase

was.

When I came into an extra 150 bucks once, and used it to come home for the

weekend, foolishly I told her of my good fortune, and within 2 minutes she had

asked me for 100. My weekend at home turned into come home, talk to her, give

away my money, do nothing, then go back.

When I was in boot camp, I sent my checks home for her to put in my account for

me, so I d have the money there when I was ready to go on to my next duty

station. I had to borrow money from the Red Cross to get to Great Lakes and was

broke when I got there.

You see a pattern? I finally learned that I could not share any good thing with

nada. She would not give me the option to say , I ve had a good thing, let me

share some with you. She would wheedle and guilt it out of me as soon as I

opened my mouth. It robbed the joy from it.

So now,yes, it is hard to accept something good as good. Even though she is

dead, I still cringe waiting for that other shoe. Its a hard habit to break.

Doug

>

> My husband and I got good news today and instead of being really happy about

it I am freaked out. I have always felt I have things " too good " and that I

don't deserve them. I feel like I am going to be punished at some point. Lately,

besides the chaos of nada, a lot of really great things have been happening in

my life. I am not a pessimistic person, and I have always hoped for the best.

That said, I am always painfully aware of everything that could go wrong.

> Here's my question- is it wrong to *expect* good things to happen? My T said

that I should always think positive and enjoy the lovely life I have made for

myself. I asked my husband this question today and he looked puzzled. He said he

didn't think it was wrong to expect good things but maybe a little weird. He

said he thinks it's good to " hope " for the best. Lately I have been just having

faith, trying to project positive thoughts and energy and I feel like it has

been working. But a big part of me is really scared I am setting myself up for a

huge fall- the other shoe is in position and ready to drop.

> Any thoughts on this?

> I should be elated about our news but instead I feel like I got bad news!

>

[Guest guest]

> >

> > My husband and I got good news today and instead of being really happy about

it I am freaked out. I have always felt I have things " too good " and that I

don't deserve them. I feel like I am going to be punished at some point. Lately,

besides the chaos of nada, a lot of really great things have been happening in

my life. I am not a pessimistic person, and I have always hoped for the best.

That said, I am always painfully aware of everything that could go wrong.

> > Here's my question- is it wrong to *expect* good things to happen? My T said

that I should always think positive and enjoy the lovely life I have made for

myself. I asked my husband this question today and he looked puzzled. He said he

didn't think it was wrong to expect good things but maybe a little weird. He

said he thinks it's good to " hope " for the best. Lately I have been just having

faith, trying to project positive thoughts and energy and I feel like it has

been working. But a big part of me is really scared I am setting myself up for a

huge fall- the other shoe is in position and ready to drop.

> > Any thoughts on this?

> > I should be elated about our news but instead I feel like I got bad news!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'd pay good money for one of those collars! Ha ha. I will ask my T about this

and share if she has any advice, which I am sure she will.

> > >

> > > I struggle with that also, - esp in the past few years when really

bad things DO keep happening. But even before that, I would find myslef

surprisingly expecting odd things ... like after buying a house, I was

expecting someone would show up and say, " We made a mistake. Give us back the

key. " I think it's a flea, at least for me. I was not raised around optimism,

and I followed what I was taught.

> > >

> > > I don't think I've been overly pessimistic all my life or anything, but I

do think I've been realistic in expecting some things to just be challenging.

Sometimes it makes me sad, other times I'm glad I've been realistic about the

possibilities. My late husband was a realist, but also very optimistic. I loved

that about him! It helped me to be more optimistic as well. Interestingly, my

ex-husband was more of an Eeyore, and I was in some ways more optimistic around

that. (The dysfunction of that relationship is a whole other book!)

> > >

> > > My feeling is that as KOs, we can have a lot of emotional dysregulation

which we likely saw modeled to us by our BPD parents. And we certainly didn't

spend our formative years relaxed and hopeful. I do prefer it when I am more

optimistic. I trust I'll be back there some day. Right now I know I am

struggling quite a bit with depression, and tho it's improved some, I know

that's a large part of my issue with this currently.

> > >

> > > Have you been able to sit with your unexpected feelings and listen to

where they are coming from? Or perhaps tie it in to something from your past

that brought on similar feelings? For instance, when you were glad about

something, were you shot down by nada? I think my fada could not tolerate ANY

strong emotion, good or bad. I remember trying very hard to be as even keeled

emotionally as possible when I was at home. Away from home, I was very

different. Just some thoughts to take or leave.

> > >

> > > Take care,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think what you have lined out here is excellent if you can do it without being

crazy about it, like I am learning not to be. See I had a plan for my life, a

plan with a specific time line. I spent many hours in my late 20's lamenting

over the fact that my life has not turned out the way I planned it. Being the

classic overachiever, I was sure that I would be married, have a baby, have a

doctorate and own a house by age 30. It was hard on me that all of my close

friends from high school are lawyers, doctors and professors. I felt like a

failure. My husband couldn't understand why I am not proud of my

accomplishments. Look at my life now- I am married, have a baby and have a

masters and I am 31. (Not that being married with a baby is an accomplishment,

it's just something I really wanted)So I don't own a house- big whoop. And I

don't have a doctorate. Guess what? It wouldn't serve me to have one- it would

just be more student loans and time to do exactly what I do now, for the most

part. At this point the only thing it would benefit is my ego. It took me a long

time to realize life doesn't always go the way you planned, but that's not bad,

because sometimes the detour you take ends up being better. I could have walked

down the aisle twice before I met my husband and I know now those marriages

would have been a nightmare. I could have gotten into vet school like I had

originally planned back in the day but now I know I would not have been happy so

not getting in when I applied was a blessing in disguise. I think finding a

balance between planning and going along for the ride is what's best- I haven't

gotten to that balance yet but I am trying every day. I like your idea about

having stored up achievements to make Plan B easier. I am going to try to

implement that.

> > >

> > > I struggle with that also, - esp in the past few years when really

bad things DO keep happening. But even before that, I would find myslef

surprisingly expecting odd things ... like after buying a house, I was

expecting someone would show up and say, " We made a mistake. Give us back the

key. " I think it's a flea, at least for me. I was not raised around optimism,

and I followed what I was taught.

> > >

> > > I don't think I've been overly pessimistic all my life or anything, but I

do think I've been realistic in expecting some things to just be challenging.

Sometimes it makes me sad, other times I'm glad I've been realistic about the

possibilities. My late husband was a realist, but also very optimistic. I loved

that about him! It helped me to be more optimistic as well. Interestingly, my

ex-husband was more of an Eeyore, and I was in some ways more optimistic around

that. (The dysfunction of that relationship is a whole other book!)

> > >

> > > My feeling is that as KOs, we can have a lot of emotional dysregulation

which we likely saw modeled to us by our BPD parents. And we certainly didn't

spend our formative years relaxed and hopeful. I do prefer it when I am more

optimistic. I trust I'll be back there some day. Right now I know I am

struggling quite a bit with depression, and tho it's improved some, I know

that's a large part of my issue with this currently.

> > >

> > > Have you been able to sit with your unexpected feelings and listen to

where they are coming from? Or perhaps tie it in to something from your past

that brought on similar feelings? For instance, when you were glad about

something, were you shot down by nada? I think my fada could not tolerate ANY

strong emotion, good or bad. I remember trying very hard to be as even keeled

emotionally as possible when I was at home. Away from home, I was very

different. Just some thoughts to take or leave.

> > >

> > > Take care,

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am glad you brought up self-sabotage. I feel like I self-sabotage my happiness

a lot and I hate that. You bringing it up reminds me that I have power to NOT

self-sabotage, if I can keep my wits about me and catch myself.

> > >

> > > My husband and I got good news today and instead of being really happy

about it I am freaked out. I have always felt I have things " too good " and that

I don't deserve them. I feel like I am going to be punished at some point.

Lately, besides the chaos of nada, a lot of really great things have been

happening in my life. I am not a pessimistic person, and I have always hoped for

the best. That said, I am always painfully aware of everything that could go

wrong.

> > > Here's my question- is it wrong to *expect* good things to happen? My T

said that I should always think positive and enjoy the lovely life I have made

for myself. I asked my husband this question today and he looked puzzled. He

said he didn't think it was wrong to expect good things but maybe a little

weird. He said he thinks it's good to " hope " for the best. Lately I have been

just having faith, trying to project positive thoughts and energy and I feel

like it has been working. But a big part of me is really scared I am setting

myself up for a huge fall- the other shoe is in position and ready to drop.

> > > Any thoughts on this?

> > > I should be elated about our news but instead I feel like I got bad news!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz - I absolutely agree. The " detours " are what makes life interesting and

unique. What I was talking about was a way (just one way) to combat the feeling

that the good things haven't been earned and/or will be taken away.

Because life with Nada was so unstable, I became a plodder, a planner, and a

list-maker, and yes, sometimes it gets to be (very) obvious that I'm being a

fussbudget. However, when I feel I'm not deserving of something good, I can

" check back " to assure myself I've actually done the work and the planning - not

that I'm supremely deserving of great things, but it's not like they've just

fallen from the sky! I don't believe that " the world owes us a living " - but

there's nothing wrong with having the confidence that comes with knowing you've

done what's required to earn whatever reward you're getting.

You probably know the old joke - old guy (call him ) is praying and

complaining to God. " Oh, God, why, why must I live in such poverty? Why won't

you let me win the lottery? " Big booming voice comes out of the sky - " !

You gotta buy a TICKET! "

Winning the lottery is never a sure thing, but buying the lottery ticket (doing

the required work/planning/plodding) gets you a MUCH better chance! -

> > > >

> > > > I struggle with that also, - esp in the past few years when really

bad things DO keep happening. But even before that, I would find myslef

surprisingly expecting odd things ... like after buying a house, I was

expecting someone would show up and say, " We made a mistake. Give us back the

key. " I think it's a flea, at least for me. I was not raised around optimism,

and I followed what I was taught.

> > > >

> > > > I don't think I've been overly pessimistic all my life or anything, but

I do think I've been realistic in expecting some things to just be challenging.

Sometimes it makes me sad, other times I'm glad I've been realistic about the

possibilities. My late husband was a realist, but also very optimistic. I loved

that about him! It helped me to be more optimistic as well. Interestingly, my

ex-husband was more of an Eeyore, and I was in some ways more optimistic around

that. (The dysfunction of that relationship is a whole other book!)

> > > >

> > > > My feeling is that as KOs, we can have a lot of emotional dysregulation

which we likely saw modeled to us by our BPD parents. And we certainly didn't

spend our formative years relaxed and hopeful. I do prefer it when I am more

optimistic. I trust I'll be back there some day. Right now I know I am

struggling quite a bit with depression, and tho it's improved some, I know

that's a large part of my issue with this currently.

> > > >

> > > > Have you been able to sit with your unexpected feelings and listen to

where they are coming from? Or perhaps tie it in to something from your past

that brought on similar feelings? For instance, when you were glad about

something, were you shot down by nada? I think my fada could not tolerate ANY

strong emotion, good or bad. I remember trying very hard to be as even keeled

emotionally as possible when I was at home. Away from home, I was very

different. Just some thoughts to take or leave.

> > > >

> > > > Take care,

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My husband and I got good news today and instead of being really

> > happy about it I am freaked out. I have always felt I have things " too good "

> > and that I don't deserve them. I feel like I am going to be punished at some

> > point. Lately, besides the chaos of nada, a lot of really great things have

> > been happening in my life. I am not a pessimistic person, and I have always

> > hoped for the best. That said, I am always painfully aware of everything

> > that could go wrong.

> > > > > > > Here's my question- is it wrong to *expect* good things to happen?

> > My T said that I should always think positive and enjoy the lovely life I

> > have made for myself. I asked my husband this question today and he looked

> > puzzled. He said he didn't think it was wrong to expect good things but

> > maybe a little weird. He said he thinks it's good to " hope " for the best.

> > Lately I have been just having faith, trying to project positive thoughts

> > and energy and I feel like it has been working. But a big part of me is

> > really scared I am setting myself up for a huge fall- the other shoe is in

> > position and ready to drop.

> > > > > > > Any thoughts on this?

> > > > > > > I should be elated about our news but instead I feel like I got

> > bad news!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you, it's good to read this.

I've been looking into the checking out too, didn't realize that was what I

was doing. I " forget " to do my chores, the lists of things I need to finish

for the day. and I zone out all the time.

So another thing to work on as well as letting my husband love me.

One of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge.. The greatest thing you can ever

learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

Absolutely!

Dawn

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of kazam77769

Sent: Saturday, August 15, 2009 5:31 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Question about " waiting for the other shoe

to drop "

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > My husband and I got good news today and instead of being

really

> > happy about it I am freaked out. I have always felt I have things " too

good "

> > and that I don't deserve them. I feel like I am going to be punished at

some

> > point. Lately, besides the chaos of nada, a lot of really great things

have

> > been happening in my life. I am not a pessimistic person, and I have

always

> > hoped for the best. That said, I am always painfully aware of everything

> > that could go wrong.

> > > > > > > Here's my question- is it wrong to *expect* good things to

happen?

> > My T said that I should always think positive and enjoy the lovely life

I

> > have made for myself. I asked my husband this question today and he

looked

> > puzzled. He said he didn't think it was wrong to expect good things but

> > maybe a little weird. He said he thinks it's good to " hope " for the

best.

> > Lately I have been just having faith, trying to project positive

thoughts

> > and energy and I feel like it has been working. But a big part of me is

> > really scared I am setting myself up for a huge fall- the other shoe is

in

> > position and ready to drop.

> > > > > > > Any thoughts on this?

> > > > > > > I should be elated about our news but instead I feel like I

got

> > bad news!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >