RE: Re: Having those old painful feelings agaiin

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

It took me years to be able to just talk about the sexual abuse. Partly

because I felt so betrayed by nada and fada when I finally told them and she

told me it was made up to hurt her. I never heard a word about it since.

NOTHING from either parent. I tell you it was like being raped all over

again.

One day I hope you can put that distance between yourself and the past.

There are some things I've done it with, others I can't seem to get to but

I'm working on it. I kind of pretend it was like a movie I watched.

Disturbing but it doesn't touch me now. There is a screen between me and

it.

I agree, the forced intimacy like that is a form of emotional abuse but I

never realized it. most kids I know even as adults find it abhorrent to

think of their parents having sex with anyone much less each other. To have

your own mother talk to you about it in detail, well. it's emotionally

scarring! During the divorce she would tell me things he supposedly said to

her about how disgusting her body is (she's obese and doesn't take care of

herself it's true. dunno if he really said the things though). How he

couldn't perform anymore and blamed her (then why was he taking Viagra,

which she'd also complain about. he never was away from home to be having an

affair). Gosh a ton of stuff. When she didn't shower for weeks on end and

was stinking so bad my son wouldn't go near her she'd make excuses by

telling me how her father would watch her shower. Well he's at least 25

years dead so perhaps it's time to try and move past that. And she'd say my

son hates her, no he just can't stand all that smell and the bucket of

perfume you put on to cover it up. He's too young to hate anyone but I

guess it's her projection stuff

I mean come on!

I am not her therapist! And I don't think she's subjected her best friend

to this. Why do I have to hear it?? Yet I listen and try to comfort her

and try to be that therapist. That's how she raised me.

I am still learning though I have to say this is totally making sense to me

I just never had a name for it.

Dawn

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of anuria67854

Sent: Tuesday, August 11, 2009 12:56 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Having those old painful feelings agaiin

You guys are right: the inappropriate, forced intimacy is just another

example of how (some? most?) bpds lack even the most basic skills to parent

properly. I agree that it probably has something to do with having no

boundaries, or perhaps its about delusional thinking: the bpd believes that

she and her child are peers(?)

It does sound logical that if a person has no real sense of herself as an

individual person (that black hole of nothingness at the core of their

being) that she would then tend to merge herself with other people in order

to gain some kind of identity.

Whatever causes it, its cruel to tell your child things about their other

parent that will alienate the child (unless the other parent is truly

dangerous to the child, I suppose.) And its just freaking gross as well as

inappropriate to tell your child intimate sexual details about yourself or

your other parent. I'll have to look it up but I believe doing that, the

forced intimacy, is its own category of emotional abuse.

My nada started doing that to me, the forced intimacy and revealing of her

own sexual past, when I was a teenager. I really feel betrayed by that, but

that's another painful story I don't feel up to sharing.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Malinda,

> >

> >

> >

> > I see I am not alone with the nada telling me the sordid details of the

> > bedroom. I remember I was probably 11 when she told me dad wouldn't have

> > sex with her anymore. I can remember where we were, and what we were

doing

> > but how old I was is a blur. seems most my childhood is hard to recall

which

> > is probably a good thing.

> >

> >

> >

> > I can't even fathom when I would ever feel it was ok or right to tell my

son

> > about the intimacies (or lack thereof) between his father and myself.

Much

> > less say anything disparaging about his grandparents to him. even about

> > nada.

> >

> >

> >

> > Do they really not have any idea of what is private?? And obviously no

> > sense at all of protecting their children.

> >

> >

> >

> > I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. My nada likes to

bring

> > stuff up like this at moments that seem the most damaging, like when my

> > guard is down because she's actually been a normal and pleasant person

for

> > the majority of the day. They always have to ruin a good day.

> >

> >

> >

> > I don't know why she persists in telling me this stuff, even when I tell

her

> > I don't want to hear it. I am not her " friend " , I am supposed to be her

> > daughter. She never gets it.

> >

> >

> >

> > But I say look at it like this. they distort reality so who knows if

what

> > she said about any of them is accurate. Believe what you did before and

> > take this as her usual elaboration??

> >

> >

> >

> > Dawn

> >

> >

> >

> > From: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > [mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of maparise17

> > Sent: Tuesday, August 11, 2009 9:16 AM

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > Subject: Having those old painful feelings agaiin

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I feel like sometimes if I didn't have this place, my daughter and a

good

> > therapist- I would be stuck in this crazy world of nada.

> >

> > Even when they try to have a human moment with nada- their is a touch of

> > something abnormal- hurtful- and definite lack of a boundary.

> >

> > My mother and I were out together shopping. We were having a decent day

> > together. She tells me she has to tell me something-I said ok. She tells

me

> > my father told her recently he had turned his back on his other sexual

life

> > and had been committed himself to her and me. She reminded me my father

had

> > been sexually abused as a child by an uncle, and he wanted to be with

men

> > and women sexually- I at even my older age do not want to hear about my

> > father- which brought up my mother sharing so much of this when I was

just a

> > child of 9 years old.

> >

> > Then she brought up my father's mother and told me again my grandmother

who

> > had died when I was a baby- was just a whore. My grandfather had died

when

> > my grandmother was still young- and she went into sorted details about

my

> > grandmother and her affairs with men. I want to have at least decent

> > memories of my grandmother.

> >

> > I finally told nada- that these were things I didn't want to know as a

young

> > child or an adult. I am glad she was happy about my father's choice- but

I

> > didn't want to talk about any of this.

> >

> > This pain and confusion of being that 9 year old child remains inside of

me-

> > and that conversation just opened that wound again.

> > It makes me feel sick inside to think of my father and my granfather in

that

> > light....in that pain, I realize how sick my mother remains.

> >

> > Thanks for listening,

> > malinda

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >