When your BP is also a narcisist

[Guest guest]

I sent this post to WTOStaying and thought it was of general

interest.

...............................

A member wrote:

> I took delivery of a car yesterday which led to a

> brief sulk from BPH - he couldn't be pleased for

> me - instead launched into " it's all about you -

> so you've got what you want - what about me - i

> want a new car blah blah " (Bearing in mind we are

> planning to go and look at the car he wants on

> Saturday - hmmph!).

What you describe here is typical behavior from someone who has Narcissistic

Personality Disorder. About 25% of people with BPD also have NPD-especially

the men. When you got a new car and he didn't, this caused something called

a " narcissistic injury. " I will explain that as soon as I give you some

general info on NPD.

Narcissists are unable to appreciate that other people exist, and have

thoughts, feelings, and actions unrelated to the narcissist.

As an analogy, the narcissist is the first born (or only) child, aged 2-3.

Everything is about him, and everything is binary. His, or not his.

Satisfied, or not satisfied. Hungry, or not hungry. Mom and Dad are talking

to each other and not me? " Hello! Focus on me! " Control, of course, is

important to a narcissist. If you can imagine a 40 year old man with the ego

of a 2 year old, you've got a narcissist.

The narcissist believes he is the main character in his own movie. A

narcissistic injury occurs when the narcissist is confronted with the

reality that he is not the main character in his movie; the movie isn't his,

and he's just one of 6 billion characters.

As the star in the movie, the narcissist sees themselves as a Tom Cruise,

Tom Hanks, Bullock, Kidman kind of character. A likable,

funny, smart star. When you give feedback that this is not so, you become

like a newspaper that runs a critical article about him. Perhaps the article

claims the narcissist's last film was a bust, and the narcissist you went to

a restaurant, acted like an oaf, bored everyone, grabbed all the rolls, and

didn't tip the waiter.

The criticism is called a " narcissist injury. " The narcissist's reaction

will be, " It's a pack of lies, all lies!! I am the poor wretched victim of a

tabloid whose purpose was to pump me up and promote my next film! " It is

beyond the capability of the narcissist to see that the newspaper is

anything but a vehicle to promote him/her. So if you cause a narcissist to

have a narcissistic injury, get ready for a fight.

Another narcissist injury might occur when a director hires another actor

for a role the narcissist wanted. The same process of devaluation and anger

would occur again. While we all would be disappointed if something like that

happened to us, we would see the director as having her own interests in her

own movie, the narcissist can't. The director is simply a machine whose

responsibility it is to provide the narcissist with an endless supply of

roles paying lots of cash.

Someone I know is a narcissist. When his niece died of an illness too early

(she was 45) he did not go to her funeral because, supposedly, it was too

far away (he refuses to fly). But the real reason was so he could get lots

of attention at home from all the people who would come and comfort him for

his huge, overwhelming loss. Never mind that he hadn't spoken to the niece

in years.

I had my own experiences. Once when I was going to buy a car, he felt

strongly I should not buy a Toyota because he had trouble with one. When I

bought one anyway, he was enraged. Once, we went to an outdoor concert and

he lent me his coat. Somehow, in the masses at the end of the concert, we

got separated. He was enraged that I had taken HIS COAT.

Another example: I watched an episode of Judge Judy yesterday and saw a

narcissist in action. A father, who had never seen his daughter as she was

growing up, and never paid support, offered to pay $3,000 for his daughter's

wedding. He was suing her for that amount, saying it was a " loan. "

Later on in the program, he admitted it was a gift, but he now refused to

pay for it when the daughter expanded the guest list. When Judge Judy

pointed out this was a contradiction, he accused her of twisting his words.

So anyway, finally we get to the heart of the matter. What happened was that

HIS father, his daughter's grandfather, had given the daughter $25,000 to

put down on a house. Although it was never stated in the show, I realized

why he was suing her for the money: a narcissistic injury.

With the 25K gift, HE was no longer the star of the show who got to put on

the daughter's wedding. Someone else had give her much, much more! His $3K

was dwarfed. He didn't get top billing. (The fact that his own father had

also given him the same amount of money was irrelevant. So was the fact that

he had never financially supported his daughter.)

NPs cause their own little brand of hell for others that I personally think

can be worse than anything a BP can do.

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New

Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells "

PS: (I took the movie analogy and some of the copy above from

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2006/12/if_this_is_one_of_the_sexiest.html