Re: feeling lonely

[Guest guest]

Joy,

I think it's a question of balance. I think when you have a mentally ill

parent, some of that sense of a hole in yourself comes from having a deep and

profound experience of disconnection from the most important person in your life

at a very early age--perhaps at birth. It can create an acute existential

crisis at an age when you are utterly unprepared to deal with it from either a

psychological or cognitive perspective. That experience, the emotions that come

with it, has to be felt and integrated. It can't be ignored. It most be felt.

A pet or new friends won't make it go away.

On the other hand, you need some kind of normal life in the present. There are

certain human needs that seem to be more or less universal: a need for a

positive identity, a need for safety and control, for connection to others, and

for autonomy. If you aren't getting those needs met, it makes it hard to keep

your head on straight. You end up feeling you just don't have the resources to

deal with the things that come up in everyday life. So, the pet and the new

friends will help to make the hole feel easier to deal with even if the hole

does not go away. Getting really good at your job will help. Getting any of

those basic needs met just a little more will help.

Take care,

Ashana

The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

Hi Ashana,

How have you been doing? Good to hear from you!

Thank you for your opinion on this topic. Yes, the hole is so hard to tackle. I

am wondering if it will ever go away...has it ever gone away for you or lessened

over the years?

I feel like I am a walking donut. haha.

All joking aside though, it feels like a sad deep pain in the middle that I am

carrying around.

I think I'm going to go onto the roof of my building and pray cry. I think that

will help as I've been holding it in all day. There is a nice panoramic view up

there.

-Joy

>

> Joy,

>

> I think it's a question of balance. I think when you have a mentally ill

parent, some of that sense of a hole in yourself comes from having a deep and

profound experience of disconnection from the most important person in your life

at a very early age--perhaps at birth. It can create an acute existential

crisis at an age when you are utterly unprepared to deal with it from either a

psychological or cognitive perspective. That experience, the emotions that come

with it, has to be felt and integrated. It can't be ignored. It most be felt.

A pet or new friends won't make it go away.

>

> On the other hand, you need some kind of normal life in the present. There

are certain human needs that seem to be more or less universal: a need for a

positive identity, a need for safety and control, for connection to others, and

for autonomy. If you aren't getting those needs met, it makes it hard to keep

your head on straight. You end up feeling you just don't have the resources to

deal with the things that come up in everyday life. So, the pet and the new

friends will help to make the hole feel easier to deal with even if the hole

does not go away. Getting really good at your job will help. Getting any of

those basic needs met just a little more will help.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

>

> The INTERNET now has a personality. YOURS! See your Yahoo! Homepage.

http://in.yahoo.com/

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jackie,

I have a Beta fish. It's the kind that's in a bowl and doesn't necessarily need

a tank. In fact, the pet store said it riles this kind of fish. I would like to

get a rat or a guinea pig; however, I am concerned about the cockroaches in this

new place. There seems to be some in the building, and I think they will

congregate in the cage if there is any sort of food. It's sounds gross, but my

place is very clean, so I think it could be coming from next door or outside or

something. My place is a studio loft above a restaurant in a large city filled

with other restaurants.

However, I like bicycle riding. I don't have a bike; however, I'd like to get

one. I'm going to check out a running club. I've seen quite a few people run

around here.

-Joy

>

> hi Joy, do you have a pet ? If so, join an organization devoted to that

> type of pet ( kennel club for dogs, bird club for birds, fish club for

> fresh or salt water tanks, etc) do you like bicycling riding ? I know it's

> winter ( at least here) but places have bike clubs that still have monthly

> meetings...do you read ? how about joining a book club ? these things will

> help you meet people who share some of your interests.

>

> Jackie

>

>

> It has been said that it is our responsibility to fill the hole that is

> within us ourselves. I am trying to figure out how to go about doing

> this...it is easier said than done.

>

> -Joy

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, jaye.

I am going to be a bit more diligent with the steps...I think that will be good.

-Joy

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone

> > >

> > > I am so glad for these boards. You know, with the holidays coming around,

it has been very difficult to manage my feelings.

> > >

> > > I am not on speaking terms with my family. It is an extremely abusive

environment.

> > >

> > > Also, I just moved. It feels like everyone that I was hanging out with

earlier this year has completely dropped off from my social circle. Some were

toxic and I just had a realization of this.

> > >

> > > I also am fairly new at my job which is another adjustment. Some of my

friendships were fine; yet if feels like I was more invested in the facade of

the friendship then I realized. They didn't do anything wrong, yet my

realization of this hurts.

> > >

> > > I feel like I am completely alone and I don't have any close friends. I

truly feel like I am on an island of sorts and it hurts.

> > >

> > > I suppose others have been through this when they move to another country

on their own.

> > >

> > > My 12 step group is very helpful; although my schedule at work has

changed, so I may not see many of them anymore.

> > >

> > > I am trying very hard not to become overly attached too quickly to people

until I've known them for quite awhile. I think that's what I was doing before

and it wasn't good. Or I would idealize a relationship and become co-dependent

on them (yes, I admit it). I'm trying to fight this tendency since I am aware of

it.

> > >

> > > It is tough, because I learned recently in my 12-step program that the

love adult children are missing from our parents can ultimately be obtained from

our " higher power " or from " God " , if you will.

> > >

> > > It has been said that it is our responsibility to fill the hole that is

within us ourselves. I am trying to figure out how to go about doing this...it

is easier said than done.

> > >

> > > -Joy

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

I was going to suggest and Noble too I used to do that, but not

anymore because I work there now. But it is a good place to just be around

people. If no one mentioned it, there is website called: Meetup (.com or .org)

where people can find groups in their area. Probably worth a try,

Good luck,

~patricia

Re: feeling lonely

Hi Jackie,

I have a Beta fish. It's the kind that's in a bowl and doesn't necessarily

need a tank. In fact, the pet store said it riles this kind of fish. I would

like to get a rat or a guinea pig; however, I am concerned about the cockroaches

in this new place. There seems to be some in the building, and I think they will

congregate in the cage if there is any sort of food. It's sounds gross, but my

place is very clean, so I think it could be coming from next door or outside or

something. My place is a studio loft above a restaurant in a large city filled

with other restaurants.

However, I like bicycle riding. I don't have a bike; however, I'd like to get

one. I'm going to check out a running club. I've seen quite a few people run

around here.

-Joy

>

> hi Joy, do you have a pet ? If so, join an organization devoted to that

> type of pet ( kennel club for dogs, bird club for birds, fish club for

> fresh or salt water tanks, etc) do you like bicycling riding ? I know it's

> winter ( at least here) but places have bike clubs that still have monthly

> meetings...do you read ? how about joining a book club ? these things will

> help you meet people who share some of your interests.

>

> Jackie

>

>

> It has been said that it is our responsibility to fill the hole that is

> within us ourselves. I am trying to figure out how to go about doing

> this...it is easier said than done.

>

> -Joy

>

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SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Hi Joy,

sounds like very positive things you're looking into :-) I had both a pet

rat and guinea pigs...they make wonderful pets...as do rabbits ( but they're

bigger) You can put down those sticky paper or roach motels to catch any

cockroaches that may be trying to get the animals food..good luck and hope

you meet lots of nice people soon !!

Jackie

Hi Jackie,

I have a Beta fish. It's the kind that's in a bowl and doesn't necessarily

need a tank. In fact, the pet store said it riles this kind of fish. I would

like to get a rat or a guinea pig; however, I am concerned about the

cockroaches in this new place. There seems to be some in the building, and I

think they will congregate in the cage if there is any sort of food. It's

sounds gross, but my place is very clean, so I think it could be coming from

next door or outside or something. My place is a studio loft above a

restaurant in a large city filled with other restaurants.

However, I like bicycle riding. I don't have a bike; however, I'd like to

get one. I'm going to check out a running club. I've seen quite a few people

run around here.

-Joy

[Guest guest]

Simple Boric Acid works for roaches. But you must keep away from pets. Since

the roaches love the kitchen I would shake it behind the stove. Put in a bottle

with a nozzele and squirt a thin line in my food cabinets and my silverware

drawers. Behind the fridge. Also in the garbage pail. Also along the seam

between counter top and wall in the kitchen. But again, no where that a cat,

dog or kid will get to it. It works like a dream and costs about 99 cents at

the drug store. I am a former Floridian so I had lots of fun with roaches.

Jaye

>

> I've seen that ant chalk advertised..I dont have an ant ( or roach) problem

> any more, but when we first move here in 1984, there was a TERRIBLE roach

> and flea problem..so I bombed the house 2X a year ( spring and fall) and in

> 2-3 years, the problem was gone...

>

> LOL one of the barn cats got too nosy one day and got his head into the bag

> of Christmas wrapping and came out with a bow stuck to the side of his face,

> he freaked and raced across the yard with this bow and ribbons streaming

> behind him..I thought it was funny, but I dont think he did...

>

> Joy, I'm sure you know I meant for the sticky tapes to be outside the cases,

> and not inside...rodents chew on everything, including the sticky

> stuff...:-)

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> When I had cats, sometimes during the hot, dry summer months ants would

> stream indoors, looking for food and water. I used something called " ant

> chalk " to keep the ants away from the 2 cats' food and water bowls.

> Its insecticide-infused chalk; you just draw a circle around whatever it is

> you want to protect and the ants won't cross that line. I've never had a

> roach problem here, so I don't know if it works on roaches or not, but it

> worked great with ants. It *looks* odd, but it works. My persian cat in

> particular would have freaked out if anything sticky had touched her paws or

> fur, but the ant chalk worked fine. At first I watched the cats to see if

> they would step on the line, but they didn't. Maybe they could smell the

> insecticide (?)

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jackie, for that funny image of the cat and the bow....

~patricia

Re: Re: feeling lonely

I've seen that ant chalk advertised..I dont have an ant ( or roach) problem

any more, but when we first move here in 1984, there was a TERRIBLE roach

and flea problem..so I bombed the house 2X a year ( spring and fall) and in

2-3 years, the problem was gone...

LOL one of the barn cats got too nosy one day and got his head into the bag

of Christmas wrapping and came out with a bow stuck to the side of his face,

he freaked and raced across the yard with this bow and ribbons streaming

behind him..I thought it was funny, but I dont think he did...

Joy, I'm sure you know I meant for the sticky tapes to be outside the cases,

and not inside...rodents chew on everything, including the sticky

stuff...:-)

Jackie

When I had cats, sometimes during the hot, dry summer months ants would

stream indoors, looking for food and water. I used something called " ant

chalk " to keep the ants away from the 2 cats' food and water bowls.

Its insecticide-infused chalk; you just draw a circle around whatever it is

you want to protect and the ants won't cross that line. I've never had a

roach problem here, so I don't know if it works on roaches or not, but it

worked great with ants. It *looks* odd, but it works. My persian cat in

particular would have freaked out if anything sticky had touched her paws or

fur, but the ant chalk worked fine. At first I watched the cats to see if

they would step on the line, but they didn't. Maybe they could smell the

insecticide (?)

-Annie

------------------------------------

Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @....

SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and

the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

Well, I signed up for Tae Kwon Do 3 nights a week for exercise. It's right near

my house. Also, I found a meditation class I can attend every week for

relaxation. It is based on Tibetan Buddhist technique. I'm not familiar with

this, but I'll see how it goes.

Thank you all for your love and support.

~Joy~

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone

> > >

> > > I am so glad for these boards. You know, with the holidays coming around,

it has been very difficult to manage my feelings.

> > >

> > > I am not on speaking terms with my family. It is an extremely abusive

environment.

> > >

> > > Also, I just moved. It feels like everyone that I was hanging out with

earlier this year has completely dropped off from my social circle. Some were

toxic and I just had a realization of this.

> > >

> > > I also am fairly new at my job which is another adjustment. Some of my

friendships were fine; yet if feels like I was more invested in the facade of

the friendship then I realized. They didn't do anything wrong, yet my

realization of this hurts.

> > >

> > > I feel like I am completely alone and I don't have any close friends. I

truly feel like I am on an island of sorts and it hurts.

> > >

> > > I suppose others have been through this when they move to another country

on their own.

> > >

> > > My 12 step group is very helpful; although my schedule at work has

changed, so I may not see many of them anymore.

> > >

> > > I am trying very hard not to become overly attached too quickly to people

until I've known them for quite awhile. I think that's what I was doing before

and it wasn't good. Or I would idealize a relationship and become co-dependent

on them (yes, I admit it). I'm trying to fight this tendency since I am aware of

it.

> > >

> > > It is tough, because I learned recently in my 12-step program that the

love adult children are missing from our parents can ultimately be obtained from

our " higher power " or from " God " , if you will.

> > >

> > > It has been said that it is our responsibility to fill the hole that is

within us ourselves. I am trying to figure out how to go about doing this...it

is easier said than done.

> > >

> > > -Joy

> > >

> >

>