life lessons

[Guest guest]

I wanted to share a few things that I've learned recently.

I'm not crazy! whoo-hooo...

Nada is many things to different people and there are people who do not and will

never see the side of her that I do. To convince them otherwise is futile

because people will only see what is front of them. They see a smart, funny,

well-dressed, well-spoken professional woman who has it all together, therefore

that is what she is. I see someone who has cold and calculated, deeply hurts me,

who is out of control, who manipulates me, makes crazy and makes unreasonable

demands on me, therefore that is what she is.

BP is challenging for professionals, so I shouldn't expect to be able to deal

with her head on. Too much history and emotional entanglement exists for me to

attempt it.

Having a difficult childhood or childhood trauma is only a small part of the

picture. Personality traits are engrained and they are hardwired in a certain

way. Having said that, nada made the choice to continue on the BP pathway

because it works for her. e.g. Nada and I both had a horrible childhoods. She

chose to go in the direction she did, and I chose to go in mine. Awful

childhoods do not entitle anyone to hurt someone else, nor do they excuse a

lifetime of horrible behavior.

We are entitled to a peaceful, happy life. We are entitled to be treated well

and with kindness. As adults we have a choice. As children, we did not. Now we

do not have to put up with any crap from anyone. Sometimes we just have to walk

away. Othertimes it means, hanging up the phone. Sometimes it means having an

unlisted number or address where communication is only on our terms, not the BP.

It may mean having no communication at all.

We do not have to answer a question just because it is asked. Sometimes silence

is the best response.

My nada must be recognized for what she is. She will not change. She has no

power over me. I cannot rationalize with her. I cannot have a normal

conversation with her. Her behavior will always be out in left field. She will

continue to do what she has always done. She will continue to make demands on

me. She will always be nada. Twenty years from now she will be doing the same

thing she did when I was two years old. I am the only one who can change. She

will never be my mother because she never was. She never loved me because she

was not capable. I always knew it in my heart and it is only after my father

died that I gave myself permission to finally let it all go and stop the

pretenses. I stopped caring about her a long time ago, but continued to try to

have a relationship with her out of FOG. Now I will no longer try.

It has been one heck of an eye-opener for me my fellow KOs. I don't think I

would have come this far were it not for sharing our stories, our pain, our joys

and our lives. My family has given me support and my therapist has helped me

greatly, but you have given me something they have not and could not because

they have not lived it. You have shown me I am not alone. I thank you all.

Abby