When Father acts kind of OK to me but cruel to mother

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I'm new to the group and I'm half way through reading " Stop Walking On

Eggshells " .

I'm now 25, single. I moved a year ago out of my parents house.

I don't know if my father is a " complete BPD " or a lighter version of it. Since

I remember myself - I never got attention from him. Sounds weird when I write

it... But my father barely ever spoke with me. He always waked up early for

work, came back at the evening, had a short supper and then goes to his room to

do whatever he does, many times continuing work assignments.

From age 19 and up, I had some loud arguments with him on several things.

At the past couple of years, I went through a " healing journey " using a healing

method, and slowly slowly I started to realize more and more my father's

behaviors.

I think that before doing the healing work, I was like under these " imprinted

screens " such as: " It's OK for a father to behave like that " or " I can't speak

up against my father " etc.

OK, making a long story short: 2 years ago I started really noticing how my

father is verbally abusing my mother the whole time. Every day, I heard him at

least one time speaking in a nasty way to her. Or raising his voice at her, or

saying to her something in a threatening tone etc.

He's completely out of regular emotions and he's also not conscious to the

damage he's doing (in his case, outside of the house he's a brilliant,

charismatic etc. type of person).

So a year ago I decided that I can't stand seeing my mother being humiliated by

him anymore and I decided to leave home for my own apartment.

All this time, besides barely talking to me, he acts unkindly to me about

once-two times a month. His abusive act is directed mainly to my mother (I think

that he thinks that we, the children, don't see it as a problem, that we don't

mind how he speaks to our mother).

Now, since leaving, both my father and my mother did all of these techniques to

try and get me to come home. Not for always, but rather, for weekends, holidays

etc.

They sent me letters, involved my grandparents etc. etc.

I don't know what to do - should I come home here and there for weekends or

should I avoid going home, since every time I'm home I witness how my father

screams \ humiliates \ gets angry on or anything else on my mother, and I just

can't stand to see it (I " feel " how it hurts my mother, how the way he talks and

behaves causes her to be down)?

Maybe I need to do some " inner work " so it won't bother me that much - is that

possible?

Thanks plenty!

Jack