Ang - re Ok - big vent

[Guest guest]

Hello Ang,

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. It is one of my biggest

regrets that, due to e-mail problems, I couldn't respond properly to your

original posting about losing your job and not telling your husband.

I hope you don't see what I am about to say as interference. It is written from

the heart in the hope that it may point you towards clearing up some troublesome

issues.

It sounds as if, for some reason, you and your husband sometimes have difficulty

truly communicating with each other. Have you ever considered going to a

counsellor who will be completely impartial in helping you to talk through the

issues that are troubling you both? You say you and your husband 'walked and

talked' but was this discussion about really basic issues or about the specific

circumstances of your job loss and the subsequent events? Even though you may

have resolved the immediate problem your message gives the impression that there

are much deeper issues involved.

Have you got over the initial shock of everything that has happened recently to

ask yourself some soul searching questions yet? Some of them might be quite

painful but they are important issues.

I am talking about things like

How important is this relationship to me?

Where do I see our relationship heading?

Is that what I want/expect?

If not, what do I really want from our relationship?

What do I think my husband wants/expects from our relationship?

What changes/compromises am I prepared to make to achieve this goal?

Can I realistically make these changes/compromises?

What changes/compromises would I like to see my husband make?

Is he likely to be prepared to make these changes/compromises?

Is our relationship 'unequal' and if so, in what ways and why?

Do we have each sufficient and equal personal freedom for our own pursuits

within our marriage?

Can we sit down and discuss these things rationally without raising 'point

scoring' issues and specific incidents?

These issues are fundamental to any relationship and are not confined to any

particular facts or circumstances. There are also a lot of specific issues you

raise but it may cause a difficult situation if you raise them during any

discussion. They could well lead to frayed tempers.

Still, in the mean time, it could prove very beneficial to do some 'self

examination' and even maybe write down the answers to such questions as

Why did I decide not to tell my husband that I had been dismissed?

What did I hope/expect to achieve by handling the situation that way?

What have I learned from the experience?

Why have I only been out of the house '3 times in 16 years'?

Is it possible to negotiate another solution to my need for 'personal time'?

How much personal time/space does my husband have?

This list is not exhaustive of course but I urge you to look back at the recent

events as impartially and non-judgementally as possible. Would you do things

the same way again? If not, what would you do differently and why? It has

been an awful experience for you and a real test on your marriage. Try to turn

it into a positive experience by seeing if you can use the events to learn more

about yourself. I know it isn't easy but I'm sure you have the strength to do

it.

Once again, I apologise if this all sounds as if I am trying to interfere or

make nay judgements. That couldn't be further from the truth. It's just that I

know form experience that, when you are in a state of emotional turmoil, it is

sometimes very difficult to stand back and put the whole situation into

perspective.

It is so great that you felt you were able to 'vent' to us. That is one of the

wonderful things about this group. We can say things to each other knowing that

we won't be judged and that we are talking to caring friends.

Take care,

Marie