y'all help but I feel like I am becoming NADA or need to be on Jerry Springer...

[Guest guest]

Am I going crazy? Am I turning into NADA? Am I drama queen? I just don't know

anymore. Nada has been gone for 3 weeks NC and I have absolutely no clue where

she is. For those of you not aware the psych nurse called DHS on me for elder

abuse the same day NADA told her how she planned to murder me in great detail.

Again WTF? NADA lived with us unitl we threw her in jail for physically

throwing crystal at me. This has been such an awful month. First nada,then our

foundation is messed up and our rental house unlivable so we are suing the

landlord and staying in a hotel where I swear I am getting bitten by bedbugs.

No kidding really. I have over 200 bites on my back. And this is not a flea bag

place either. And I have to see the whore at work who told me 2 weeks after

loosing my only child at 3 months pregnant that she was knocked up by accident,

she didn't need another kid and when was I going try to get pregnant again.

Plus I saw her drinking once out on the town. Now she is adopting said baby to

my mangager and telling everyone she is a surragote. She couldn't keep her leg

closed their is a difference.She was talking about F#$@ing some random guy

tonight no kidding at 7 months pregnant. This is angering me so much because she

is a slut and I did everything right and lost my child not mention my due date

is this tuesday and I am not coping well. Ad to the fun not knowing where NADA

is. It is freaking me out. I keep wondering if someone will show up and try

and arrest me, or tell me she is dead. She is very ill and had no one beside me

to take care of her. And she lived with us. And I have been NC since she caleld

me from the hospital and threatened me when I wouldn't fall for her guilt and

manipulations. And the anniversary of dad's death is the 23rd of Oct. You see

I promised him I would take care of NADA. But he didn't really even do that he

just dranks and threw money at her. I just don't think I can handle much more. I

feel like I have been surounded by so much drama my entire life that there is no

escape. But mine is not self inflicted misery I keep telling myself. I know

didn't do anything wrong to miscarry although NADA took great joy in telling me

I didn't deserve a child the last several months. And I killed my father too.

Our house litterally has crack in the door that make the locks not work properly

and we were robbed earlier this year. Plus our toilet leaks, one doesn't flush,

our sink leaks into the garage and it backs up into the dishwasher so we can;t

use the bathroom or do dishes. So we are paying for a hotel while we are suing

them, but makes me so panicked I can;t take it. It also makes welbutrin and a

therapist way out of our price range which is making it so much worse. And I

feel so wrong for being spiteful or hateful or angry to the slut at work. It's

something I feel NADA would do. I don;t wish her harm, I am so glad the baby is

going to my manager who has tried to get pregnant for 13 year. But I'll admit

at times I have been a little happy when she has been hurting. I know it's

wrong. It's something NADA would do, but she is just so darn horrible. And I am

fighting my ADHD so badly I'm sure it's obvious with my ramblings. (ADHD meds

not good for future attempts at motherhood) But my husband said I am just

whimpering in my sleep if I sleep at all because I am so stressed. It's not a

manic lack of sleep. I have insomnia because I am afraid of what will happen

next. I have insomnia because I have dibilitating diagnosed pnaic disorder. I

can't take not knowing. Not knowing when we will get out of the hotel and how

much we will get from the land lords,Not knowing where we are going to move to

from here, not knowing where NADA is and if she will reappear, is hurt, or

dying, or if someone is going to arrest me or sue me because of NADA, not

knowing if I will ever be able to carry a full term pregnancy or even get

pregnant again, not knowing if NADA prevented me from getting the job I was up

for with DHS, Not knowing if I am going to get infest my own stuff with bed

bugs, not knowing if I am becoming NADA, if I am going crazy, if I will ever be

normal again? Will I ever feel sane? Will this month ever end? God I need a

break, I'm only so strong. I'm really begining to feel crazy. No one else has

such drama except NADA. And I have to keep re assuring myself these things are

beyond my control. That I am not bringing them to fruition. But Living wiht

NADA so long I am so afraid I have more than just her fleas. My husband says

no. He says I am not like her. Nothing like her. But that does little to

settle my fears right now. I guess I am absolutey terrified of the unknown.

All that walking on eggshells and constant fear of attacks has led me here.

I feel so alone...Thanks for y'alls support. I feel another reason I feel crazy

is because I hyperfocus on differing issues and than get distracted for a while

and return to the original issue. I just know this makes me seem insane even

though it's just hallmark ADHD. Do any of you feel the need to keep re assuring

yourself that you aren;t crazy, that you aren't NADA. A need to explain why

things are so bizarre? Am I going crazy? Because I feel like I am. I have

cried so much in the last few days I have a raw spot on the side of my eye from

wiping away the tears.

Am I turning into to her? I don't want to be like her. I'm not mean or

manipulative. The only malice I really have towards anyone is the real estate

company. I just want my money back and to be let our of the lease, and the slut

I work with. She does make me angry. She makes me feel anamocity I have never

felt towards anyone. I don;t wish her any harm, but I honestly dislike her and

sometimes smile when she is complaining about pregnacy pains. Is that like

NADA? IS that normal to have someone make you feel such intense anger. Is it

just because my due date is Tuesday and it's bringing home the fact that we are

still childless after 8 years of marriage adn I am 38 and almost to old to have

kids?

I guess I am just rambling like a mad woman. Thanks os much for reading my

instable scrwals. For listening to my insanity for now.

Thanks so much for any advice, or comments