(Really) need help validating some abuses

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, please forgive me for re-posting this again so soon; I am in a bit

of a crisis mode about it. A response would be so very very useful to me right

now, so you guys must forgive me for posting it again so soon--if anyone is

around and has a minute or two to respond I would be very grateful! Thank you

so very much.--Charlie

>

> Hi everyone, Last night I turned a corner in understanding the nature of a

certain type of physical and sexual abuse, and that both nada and fada had

actually done things to me that fit those definitions. I am not going to go

into specific details, but what I need some help with validation that this stuff

actually occured.

>

> I know we talk a lot about 'trick' abuse on the board, about the way that high

functioning nadas do just enough so that the child will experience it as abuse,

but not enough that, say, you could have them prosecuted, or it would leave a

mark that the neighbors would see. And there's always that level of

INTEPRETATION with it--or almost always, exept when they get sloppy--they have

to do something that is only abuse by ONE INTERPRETATION, right? I really need

help with this on believing some things were actually done to me.

>

> I guess first there has to be an understanding that the entire atmosphere was

pervasively sexual--every move I made or word I said was scoured over for sexual

content, which I was told was in fact there, from the day I was born. There was

tons of verbal abuse and indirect abuse on that score. But what I'm looking at

now is validation that the actual abuses I've found did, in fact, occur. I

looked up the definition last night and I found that it means non-consentual

touching or non-consentual exposure of the child to something with sexual

content.

>

> I had one parent who would 'accidentally' touch me whenever I was holding the

family pet--pretending to pay attention to the pet. Noone in the room would say

ANYTHING--and it would be fleeing. But I know from my experience of it, the way

it felt, and from the repeated nature, that it must have been real. If I were

to attempt to call fada on this though I would get hit with extreme denial and

accusations of being absolutely evil and crazy. This is just one example. I

found around 20 different actions that I can count so far.

>

> Both nada and fada exposed me to improper sexual images and discussions, but

did so in 'deniable' ways. For example, my father once bought me a soft core

porn video--those of you who were kids in the 80s will remember that in the

heyday of the video era, some musicians made these kindof videos for their

songs. He pretended that he somehow had not 'seen' the very explanatory video

cover, or that it was my fault because I liked the music and why should *he*

know the video would be like that? He actually had me WATCHING it with him

until nada came and turned it off. I was 11.

>

> Nada's assaultive touches were also 'interpretable'--you'd have to really know

her, or know what the dissociative, gleeful sexual abuser's expression is, to

get that she was doing something wrong. It was obvious is was against my will

of course. These were very short encounters though, only seconds at a time.

>

> There are dozens upon dozens of these sorts of touches and images exposures,

all of them interpretable. I know from my experience of them, and from the

dissociative look they would get in their eyes, and from my now classic symptoms

of childhood survivors of this sort of thing, that it was real and intended to

be this way. But I still am having trouble processing it. I am only just

beginning to process it. It is NOT anything that could be prosecuted. I need

some witness from you guys. Please remind me. This is how the high functioning

cluster Bs do this, right? They don't do things completely directly because

they would have to split themselves black, right? Aigghh! If there are similar

experiences out there with this kind or abuse or other physical abuse, I hope

they come out. I am happy to have realized this so I can start to heal from it,

but I am still a little plagued by how 'benign' some of these encounters look on

paper, when I experienced them as torturous assaults.

>

> Thanks! Please help!

> Charlie

>