Why do I still question everything I do?

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

Thanks for your constant support throughout my healing journey. Just wanted to

know will I ever stop questioning everything that I do in my life? This seems

to be something that effects me deeply from being at the clutches of a BPD

mother.

It's like I fear being her, I have her voice in my head whenever I do the

slightest task, then I doubt myself......I have heard that obviously this is a

normal reaction but it is so so tiring, I just want to live happy and feel

worthy.

Please help.

Love x

[Guest guest]

Hi .I can relate to having nada's " voice " in your head--I have that,too.I

fear being her when that voice is harassing me (strong term but that's what it

feels like) and telling me nasty things about myself and running a nasty sort of

commentary on whatever it is I happen to be doing.It's like that voice wants me

to feel as miserable as nada feels,which makes me feel like I'm feeling the same

way nada would about whatever.Does that make sense? I don't know if that's what

you meant but that's how I experience it.The " nada voice " in my head speaks to

me the way she did when I was growing up: it uses cruel put downs and

obscenities,tells me that I am worthless and reminds me in different ways that

my strivings are hopeless.

I know that this is my " normal " because that is what I was put through in

actual fact while at the same time I know that having such a severely critical

internal voice isn't " normal " ...It's made me wonder more than once if I am

actually crazy,especially when that voice is hurling obscenities at me.I used to

feel helpless against it,as if it had its own power and its own energy.It took

me some time to understand that I was myself giving it power and energy by

allowing it to rampage through my psyche unchecked and unchallenged.

I think it's good that you can step back from it enough to see that it is

nada's voice in your head,not yours.That it is the voice of conditioning from

abuse,not who you really are.

I used to try to ignore that voice but that didn't quite work for me.I

decided to acknowledge that it is there and to confront it.I don't know if I

will ever be able to fully silence it (that would be nice though!) but I no

longer allow it to dominate my own thought process.Because it's MY thought

process and I want what is good for me,what is best for me,and that voice simply

does not.That voice has no regard at all for my well being--it is negative and

destructive and wants me to feel hurt and to hate myself.It has nothing to say

to me that I really need to hear.

I trained myself to tell it to shut up.It didn't happen over night but now

when I tell it to shut up,it does.Actually I talk back to it like I'd want to do

with nada and it's actually much easier to talk back to her voice in my head

than with her for real.It often tells me what a screw up I am when I make some

mistake and I tell it that I will be the one to decide if the mistake I made

warrants giving it a think to see how I could do better next time or if I myself

need to decide to just let it go because I'm only human and everyone makes

mistakes.I have used this internal dialogue as a way of reparenting myself by

taking on board how negative and unhelpful and defeating the nada voice is (not

how I want or deserved to be treated) versus how I would speak to someone I

cared about and how to give that same caring and compassion to myself.

When I'm really stressed out or really upset about something the voice is

stronger but I've been practicing telling it off enough by now that even then I

can quiet it.I remind myself that it is only a disruption that I needn't pay

serious attention to.It only has the power I allow it to have.I have had to

examine many times in this process just how " worthless " and " useless " I really

am,which on closer examination is not only absurd but is nada wanting me to be

so in order to feel better about herself.And that's her problem,not mine.I don't

need to cut others down to feel good about me,so what purpose does it serve to

cut myself down--how does that help anyone? It doesn't even help nada,it just

enables her illness.

I used to second guess myself constantly but over time that has developed

into an ability to see that I am fallible--I make blunders,I mess up--and to be

able to admit when I was wrong or could have done better.I think that is a

strength rather than a weakness and that is something nada cannot do.Her voice

wants me to see myself as all wrong with no shades of grey--that is HER

weakness,her inability to accept that she is not perfect.That is the voice I

tell to shut up because there is no reason for me to sacrifice myself to its

insatiable need to do me down.I do have good qualities.

Nada told me when I was an adult that when I was little she was jealous

of me because I had " qualities your father and I never had.I purposefully tore

you down to make me feel better about me. "

The voice of such a creature deserves to be told to shut up and to cease

and desist.I can't imagine,,that it would be any different for you.You

don't deserve the inner torment of being abused by that voice.You deserve to be

happy.

Best wishes to you,

>

> Hi All,

>

> Thanks for your constant support throughout my healing journey. Just wanted

to know will I ever stop questioning everything that I do in my life? This

seems to be something that effects me deeply from being at the clutches of a BPD

mother.

>

> It's like I fear being her, I have her voice in my head whenever I do the

slightest task, then I doubt myself......I have heard that obviously this is a

normal reaction but it is so so tiring, I just want to live happy and feel

worthy.

>

> Please help.

>

> Love x

>

[Guest guest]

The realization that I was never allowed to make a mistake was very eye opening

for me. My fada always accused me of doing everything on purpose to spite him or

show my disrepsect toward him. The irony is that it made me even more nervous

and clumsy, and made for a vicous cycle. I wish I'd realized the truth somewhere

before age 40-somthing, but better late than never. I can say that it has taken

work, but I've worked hard to try to not pass that on to my own kids. I try to

make light of mistakes. My natural instinct (or 'learned instinct') is to

overreact a la' BPD, but with effort I think I have given them a good balance.

Now I have to allow myself the same!

ps: i can send your nada the 99 cents for the bread if she'd like; I'll even

account for inflation. Think ten bucks would cover it? For you, friend - it

would be worth it!!!

; D

>

> same here...nada would scream like it was the end of the world...then the

> next time I wanted a glass of milk, she'd say no, I can't be trusted with

> it...but as I got older, I'd yell back at her that it wasn't on purpose, and

> she'd yell yes it was !! so she thought everything I did had a

> reason/purpose behind it !!

[Guest guest]

Once again I feel validated. I feel this way too. The advice people have given

about this is right on, I think. My T said pretty much the same thing. What I am

working on is trying to not spend time with the voice. You can't try to ignore

it- that just makes is stronger. Just disregard it, for lack of a better term. I

mean, discredit it, realize how sick the thoughts are, reword it into something

positive etc.

I hate that I feel I am not good enough, that I second guess all my decisions

and sometimes can't even make simple decisions like what movie to see or what to

eat for dinner. It's ridiculous! I have done great things in my life- but I act

like they are nothing or that I don't deserve credit (someone called this

" impostor syndrome " .) I truly feel deep down that everyone on here is amazing

because we are simply here- we are strong enough to get help, strong enough to

be vulnerable and reach out. , if you feel you are worthy enough for help

then you are on the right track. It's going to get better, just keep trying. I

am giving you a virtual pat on the back right now. =)

>

> Hi All,

>

> Thanks for your constant support throughout my healing journey. Just wanted

to know will I ever stop questioning everything that I do in my life? This

seems to be something that effects me deeply from being at the clutches of a BPD

mother.

>

> It's like I fear being her, I have her voice in my head whenever I do the

slightest task, then I doubt myself......I have heard that obviously this is a

normal reaction but it is so so tiring, I just want to live happy and feel

worthy.

>

> Please help.

>

> Love x

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, surprise, my nada was really into slapping my face when she was angry at

me, so much so that I developed an involuntary startle reflex whenever she'd

make a sudden, unexpected move near me.

And if she saw me flinching, *that* would enrage her. I guess it was evidence

that she'd been abusive, or it made her feel guilty, or something. But I had to

learn how to control my own involuntary startle reflex, as a small child.

Yes, I think it has more to do with humiliating and degrading the child than

anything else.

I read somewhere that slapping is actually considered to be emotional abuse (!?)

because it doesn't really inflict physical damage. Maybe. I think it caused

neck trauma, myself. I used to have painful " cricks " in my neck (muscle spasms)

when I was a kid and I always wondered if that had anything to do with getting

slapped in the face so often.

What it does do for sure is teach the child to fear their parent, very much.

-Annie

>

> Hi ,

>

>

> >Wow Jackie, all nadas must have very similar traits hey! was this the

> >smacking business a slap >across the face?

>

> yes, nada is great at smacking across the face..it is strang but many nadas

> have very similar tendencies

>

> >I experienced this recently seems be synonymous within the realm of the

> >nada it not only humiliated >me and degraded me, about an hour later she

> >denied the event took place and i was lying and >fantasising..

>

> yup, totally classic nada behavior, deny any wrong doing and accuse the

> accuser of lying/fabricating stories

>

> >28 years marriage and still going strong hey, well nada must be livid you

> >go gal, you're obviously doing >something right....good on you both!!

>

> thanks, and yes, nada is livid, she didn't like my choice in husbands, and

> tried very hard to prevent us from getting married...we almost eloped, and

> if I had to do it over, i would have !! the wedding was a horrible scene...

>

> >I draw alot of strength that you can be happily married for so long as I am

> >sure my hubby and I will be >too.

>

> I hope you are...it's all give and take...sometimes it seems like you're

> giving a lot more than getting, but it all evens up in the end !! My

> husband doesn't know much about BPD, but does relaize my nada has something

> really wrong with her, and thet my fada has something wrong too to have put

> up with nada for so long, and defend her when she's so nasty to him...

>

> Jackie

>