Briefly had to break NC--now *this* is progress!

[Guest guest]

I am NC at this point with my entire FOO and had to break my year long NC to

contact my brother over some problems with our late fada's estate.I learned soon

after fada died that he had blatantly lied to me about having my brother and I

remain co-executors of his will--in fact he had gone to a lawyer and had it

changed to make my brother the sole inheritor of his estate.Obviously this

brought up alot of issues beyond the fact that he had lied to me,one of which

was that he recognized nada's incompetency in managing his assets,something that

made me wonder how long he has known this.Fada lied to me many times in the two

month period leading up to his death,such as telling me that he had responded

favorably to treatment in the hospital and would be sent to rehab and then

released,when in reality he had been given a diagnosis of terminal.I was being

reviewed at work at the time and he told me not to worry about visiting him in

the hospital for those few days and to just concentrate on my job.Nada,my

brother,my aunt and fada's " best friend " had all been told his condition was

terminal at the same time and when I didn't come to visit were told by fada that

this was because I knew " and didn't care. " Talk about being set up to look like

the villain.When I found out from a nurse later that he was actually dying and

tried to tell the FOO that I hadn't known,they called me a liar.How could I not

have known when " everybody else " knew? And how dare I make up these horrible

things about my father; he would NEVER say that when he knew he was dying...the

same old,same old of denial and blame shifting.Of course none of them really

talked to me--they were shunning me--and if we had been having normal decent

conversations and interactions I would have heard about it from them,but they

never told me either.

I had hoped for a reconciliation of some species when fada was on the brink

of death.What dying father would not want to make some peace with his own child

before he passed over? I had always thought of fada as the " rational " one to

nada's irrationality,but when I saw that right up to the bitter end he intended

to play the victim (of me) and the martyr (of me),I began to understand that in

his own way he was as sick as nada.

At the point when he was truly dying--I kid you not-- nada,my brother and

my aunt disappeared from the hospital.Another nurse told me that they were

" upset " and couldn't take it and that my brother had said as he departed that he

didn't want " this to be my last memory of my father. "

I called my brother and was told angrily,contemptuously that they wouldn't

be coming back.I called my aunt and she was very nasty and rejecting and told me

that she would call my brother if she needed any information,thank you very

much.Who wasn't even there.Nada I didn't even bother to call.She would have seen

any call from me as an " attack " and I had had enough.

It took fada three days to die.I don't think that anyone,not the least

your own father,should die alone.I believe that a dying person needs an advocate

by their bedside,someone who genuinely cares for their welfare.The nurses and

the doctors are dedicated professionals but they also have an entire floor of

patients to tend to and can't reasonably be expected to provide one on one

constant care.

That was left to me to do when the FOO absconded.I have always been the

" responsible " one and while they accused me of not caring etc etc,it was odd how

when things got really difficult,they left me to handle it.Because they knew

that I would and that I could.

I wanted to do the " right thing " .And I did: it was a good thing I was there

because the level of morphine the doctor had proscribed turned out to be

insufficient to manage fada's pain and I had to consult with the nurse on duty

to arrange for it to be increased.He was in agony.I'm not saying that the nurse

was a cold person,she wasn't,but the simple fact was that she wasn't family and

until I intervened had no intentions of increasing his dose of morphine.

I stayed at the hospital for those three days,only going home to nap for

four hours when fada's friend was there.To his credit,he still came to see him.

As fada was dying I prayed and prayed for him to go to a good place.He had

been such a demonic individual,I was seriously worried he'd go to a very bad

place and when he was actually dying I felt that no matter how he had treated

me,I only wanted him to be free from the personal demons that had made him

behave so badly and for the whole cycle of evil to just END.So I prayed for him

to be protected,hoping that the forgiveness of one he had so wronged would go

some way towards saving his soul.

After I learned that he had lied to me again and that he had legally cut

me off from the family,I understood that this was his final act of spite towards

me.It was his final last word.He had always had to have the last word.I realized

also that there was no " doing the right thing " really with this FOO.It didn't

matter to them that I had been there when I was most needed---they continued to

treat me with the same contempt and rejection.And I realized,with humility,that

I am not the arbiter of fada's spiritual fate.Whatever became of his soul is

beyond the provence of a mere mortal like me,attempt at forgiveness not

withstanding.That was a matter between fada and God and not my decision to make.

Finally understanding,after he died,that fada was as deeply disturbed in

his own way as nada turned out to be very liberating.That was another illusion

disposed of,that he was somehow rational and somehow ok and somehow might have

rescued me from nada,if only he'd known the extent of her illness.He was a sick

man and had been this sick man when I was a small child who needed him.My

fantasies of a " rescuer " died with him.

So anyway last week I had to contact my brother about some things he had

neglected to do in his capacity as executor of fada's estate.He had failed to

report his demise and nada was still listed on some policies and was now in

arrears.I had had a feeling something like this would happen and wasn't

surprised when fada's lawyer called me.I had tried right after fada died to help

my brother but he was being so nasty and nada too that I just went NC.I didn't

need it,not after the trauma of tending to fada as he died and not after all the

horrors I had experienced growing up.I walked away.

I've been working hard on my own issues and at times it does seem like I'm

not getting too far with same,but I have actually made some progress.These

people,my own mother and brother,are like strangers to me now.That they choose

to hate and to be destructive seems alien to me now of how people ought to

function.All they've ever been to me is hateful and abusive.It's wrong.It's just

wrong.It was wrong when I was a kid and it's wrong now.I can't imagine now even

wanting to have anything to do with them.Being their scapegoat serves no

purpose,not for them and not for me.It's only destructive.

I had to call my brother to tell him what he needs to do,what he needs to

send.I felt like I was talking to a client from work,I felt so detached.I used

to feel frightened and hungry for the acceptance I never had and would fall

right into playing his game of pretending that we're both happy and everything

is fine,this kind of forced and false jolly nonchalance.As if putting on this

act would create a normal brother/sister relationship.I have tried to be real

with him in the past and to talk honestly about our childhoods but he cuts me

down with contempt and insists that I am lying.This time,instead of adopting a

begging " please accept me/ I'll play pretnd " attitude,I was calm and business

like.

I explained why I was calling.At first he tried to blow me off,insinuating

that I was exagerrating and he'd contact the lawyers himself to find out " what's

really going on " .I was calmly assertive and suggested he contact the agencies

involved if he needed to double check what they wanted him to send to them.He

then tried to go for my jugular,saying, " You need to call Mom,you haven't called

her in a year,you should be ashamed of yourself- "

I cut him off with, " I have my own relationship with Mom that isn't your

relationship with her and I have my own reasons why I've decided not to have

contact with her and I have my own side of this situation- "

He said, " You don't have a side! You just don't care. "

I don't have a side.Uh huh.That summed it up.I never had a side in that

FOO or any feelings of my own.And of course I never cared,never.From the time I

was a baby.I'm so tired of this sh*t.

I calmly said back to him, " I do have a side that I wish we could discuss

but you seem unwilling to even try to understand it,so I'm not going to put

myself through explaining it to someone who isn't listening to me- "

" You never wanted- "

" Look,I just wanted to make sure you know what to send and if we're both

clear on that,that's all we need to say.You need to get this cleared up because

it's going to affect nada's credit rating- "

" What do YOU know about- "

" Ok,I've said what I needed to say to you.Goodbye. "

As I hung up,he was saying something but I don't know what it was.

In the past an encounter like this would have had me in a tailspin of

self loathing and self blame and just feeling generally like dirt.But not this

time.I felt next to nothing.Not even sad.All I wanted to do was get on with my

day and not dwell on something I can't change.I took my dog out for an ice cream

and got myself a hot fudge.And noticed that I was present in the moment and

thinking about my own life as it is right now instead of stewing over the past

or feeling upset about being so villified and misunderstood by the FOO.I felt

calm and clear.A total absence of anxiety and anger,but I wasn't forcing it.It

just was--it was how I actually felt.I felt ok!

A year ago I could not have done this.Progress does happen,healing is

possible.

Thanks for listening and my best wishes to you all,