Re: Back from hades

July 31, 2009

I live in CA and nada is only 62. In her living trust (which I have a copy of-

she's dying to get it back but I keep making excuses to keep it) I am power of

attorney and my name is on her checking account. I could go in and withdraw

money at any time, although I would never do that unless I needed to pay a bill

for her. I really don't think I can claim power of attorney yet. We know she's

mentally ill, but I feel like there's no way a doctor would agree. A

psychiatrist maybe after several sessions and realizing she is BPD, but does

being BPD make you incompetent? I mean I feel like it does in a way but I don't

think the law would agree. Any thoughts on this? I catch her in lies but she's

still " competent " enough to handle her finances.

Right now she has no real extra money. The money I would be getting after she

dies is from her life insurance and from selling her house. I guess we could

sell her house now, but the housing market in CA is not good for selling and we

wouldn't get very much for it. I was thinking about maybe renting it out, but

nada is digging her heels in about this and does not want to do it. She's so

worried about her " things " . I mean she is seriously worried about what will

happen to her house if God forbid my baby and I die before she does. She's hell

bent on making sure the house and money does not go to my husband. I mean heaven

forbid it goes to a good man who would be saddled with my debt. She obviously

does not consider him family and is really obsessing over this.

I called Hospice and asked for a list of caregivers that they recommend in her

area. They called her and told her and now she's mad at me. I mean who cares,

she's always mad at me, but I am annoyed they told her. I guess they had to or

thought she knew. It doesn't matter, just another log in the fire. I think I

will take your advice and call a lawyer and see what the criteria are for her to

be labeled incompetent. Also see if there are any waiting lists I should get her

on.

> > > > >

> > >

> > > > > But I am pretty sure the request coming. Ugh. My husband and I have

been

> > > > > talking about this nonstop, and we both feel like we'll probably say

> > > > > yes. I know this is crazy. I really feel like she can not be alone and

> > > > > although I pretty much hate her I don't want her to spend her final

days

> > > > > alone except for some hired help. I am hoping to get more info today

> > > > > because Hospice is paying her a visit. I plan on getting the nurse's

> > > > > name from nada and talking to them directly so I can get the " real "

> > > > > information.

> > > > > My worst fear is that she will suck so much energy from me I won't

have

> > > > > enough for my daughter. I must choose my baby 1st and foremost, I know

> > > > > that. I'm not sure how this is going to go down. I know I don't owe

nada

> > > > > anything, but I do honestly feel like if I tell her no I will feel

> > > > > pretty bad about it later. I can just see her rotting away in the

house

> > > > > all by herself. I feel sorry for her because she's so pathetic. After

I

> > > > > talk to Hospice I will call her insurance and see how much they cover

> > > > > for in-home care. Either way I REFUSE to be her caretaker. I refuse.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

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July 31, 2009

Mozz - Yes, hon, I KNOW. I can " hear " it in your posts. She is expecting you

to drop your life to be her one-and-only whipping girl, and she will not take No

for an answer. And no matter what you do, you are going to wind up getting

whipped for it.

So let's see... you have to move, take care of her, deal with the insurance

papers - which may or may not pay for everything - then after she dies, you have

to deal with probate and pay all of her final expenses, and MAYBE after that's

all done, there will be enough to pay for you to move, but you have to go ahead

and move anyway because you can't afford the larger place you moved into while

she was alive.

And during all this time, you're supposed to pay your own bills, buy what your

growing baby needs (forget the college fund!), and provide the extras that will

inevitably arise as a result of having a very ill person in your home (medical

supplies - diapers - bed pads - fleece pads to avoid bedsores - cable TV to keep

her entertained. Delivery take-out because you're too exhausted to cook. It

adds up.)

And then, maybe she leaves everything to you, and maybe she doesn't, and maybe

there are conflicting wills, and you can't ask about it because she's crazy and

she goes into a rage at you - while further depleting what energy she has left.

I saw on your other post that you feel " other people' will denigrate you if you

don't let her move in. Newsflash, Mozz - they won't. Anybody who's ever had to

deal with a very sick or elderly relative will understand. We here understand.

Your husband and therapist understand. Her health care workers will REALLY

understand. The people who will pressure you most are probably those whose

lives will be inconvenienced if you DON'T put her in residential care - like

maybe your other relatives who would then have to step up once in a while???

Bottom line - anybody who's willing to throw you under this bus is not somebody

whose opinion you have to worry about, OK?

Have you called the Cancer Society to see what services and other info is

available? There are things about caring for a terminally ill person that you

can't possibly know until you've done it (like the realistic list of expenses

and supplies you're going to need). No matter what you decide, you need to be

well-informed. They also have good information about dealing with family

relationships when someone is ill with a disease like cancer. This is helpful

in general, even if it doesn't specifically address a BPD situation.

I wish you strength, and hope, and vision to see that this WILL pass and there

WILL be light at the end of this very dark tunnel. -

> > > >

> > > > I went to the wolf's den (nada's house) this weekend to drop off her

living trust and get some of my things. I was going to get all of my things but

my T said not to do that unless I am going NC because that would set nada off

big time. It was an OK weekend because every time she tried to bait me I didn't

take it- it was hard. At one point I caught her staring at me with such

hostility that it took everything I had not to ask her what her problem is.

Talking to her is so frustrating because for every " problem " she presents I

offer a simple solution that she won't take. If there's isn't a problem you bet

she'll make one up. I am so sick of her feeling victimized, so sick of her

crying. The crying! Non stop crying! Every little thing is the end of the world.

> > > > She made a scrapbook about herself and gave it to me this weekend. I

didn't ask her to do this. On the 1st page it says,

> > > > " To my daughter,

> > > > Words are easy. Only the heart can convey the love, joy, happiness and

pride I have for you. You will always be able to talk to me, Honey. Just feel me

in your heart answering. Mommy "

> > > > Excuse my language but WTF???? I felt sick and fuming mad after reading

that.

> > > > I have never been able to talk to her about anything! Every time I try

she ignores me, gets defensive or hangs up on me. Even if it's not even about

her she acts like I am accusing her of some shortcoming because *I* have a

problem. I flipped through that scrapbook which contains pictures of her,

letters she has written, a ticket for running a red light, report cards of hers-

I mean why would I want that stuff? The pictures I can understand but a ticket?

Anyway I flipped through that and felt nothing but ambivalence. At this point in

time I feel no love towards her whatsoever. When I am at her house she wants me

to lay down with her and read to her and I can barely do it. When she hugs me

she won't let go until I detach myself. When she hugs me I go stiff- I can't

help it. It's like my body is revolted by her touch. I cringe inwardly until I

can get away from her.

> > > > This bothers me, but I can't help it.

> > > > I KNOW she's going to eventually ask me if she can move in. I am just

waiting for it. Someone told me she said she wants to, but wants me to ask her.

I practically BEGGED her to a few months ago. Then, recently I told her she

could again and she reacted by cutting me out of her will because I will not

move in with her. Shes now says she never said that, which is total BS. I don't

know if she believes her own lie or is outright lying. Anyway there's no way I'm

asking her to move in with me again.

> > > > But I am pretty sure the request coming. Ugh. My husband and I have been

talking about this nonstop, and we both feel like we'll probably say yes. I know

this is crazy. I really feel like she can not be alone and although I pretty

much hate her I don't want her to spend her final days alone except for some

hired help. I am hoping to get more info today because Hospice is paying her a

visit. I plan on getting the nurse's name from nada and talking to them directly

so I can get the " real " information.

> > > > My worst fear is that she will suck so much energy from me I won't have

enough for my daughter. I must choose my baby 1st and foremost, I know that. I'm

not sure how this is going to go down. I know I don't owe nada anything, but I

do honestly feel like if I tell her no I will feel pretty bad about it later. I

can just see her rotting away in the house all by herself. I feel sorry for her

because she's so pathetic. After I talk to Hospice I will call her insurance and

see how much they cover for in-home care. Either way I REFUSE to be her

caretaker. I refuse.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

July 31, 2009

Let me jump in here (been in/out and missed this one)... my Nada did breast

cancer too! She did the " I'm gonna live with you " thing too (after I finally

got her OUT 8 years earlier). She did the " come sit with me "

guilt/waif/manipulations thing too. She did the " granny nanny " thing too (and

publicly!) Oh, honey... I've SO been where you are and where your headed.

Hear me loud and clear in my whispered warnings:

DON'T DO IT! YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO IT! SHE WILL FIND OTHERS TO MEET HER

NEEDS (life-long persective shifting words from my therapist - " She WILL get her

needs met, with or without you! " ) DO NOT PLACE YOUR CHILDS WELL BEING ON THE

ALTER OF HER BLACKHOLE OF NEED!!!!

You are NOT a jerk (or other more colorful words she may choose) for putting

your childs needs first - A happy, healthy mother. A happy, healthy father. A

home that is his/her sancturary. That is where your obligation sits... not the

whipping post for a life-time of unfulfilled need... You have the absoluted

obligation to your child.... If you can't " do this " for yourself, my gosh, be

the mother you never had and put your child first!

Nada's will get their needs met. With or without you. Period.

LYnnette - who knows of what she speaks with the whole " cancer guilt " thing...

remember, it was my Nada's Cancer Dr's who say " This thing " , offered me therapy

and introduced me to BPD and myself! Every single one of them has made me

promise I won't let her move in with me...

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I went to the wolf's den (nada's house) this weekend to drop off her