Re: Need advice on telling my mother i think she is bp

[Guest guest]

My advice is to forget sending her the brochure. They almost

never admit that they have a problem. She's more likely to

decide that you must be the one who has BPD yourself since

you're obviously attacking her. It sounds like the one who might

benefit from the brochure is your husband. If he's hoping to

change things, he probably doesn't understand or accept what is

wrong with her.

At 11:33 PM 07/27/2009 mismissy74 wrote:

>Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

>this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

>from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

>stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

>am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

>started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

>felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

>my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

>situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

>victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

>havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

>she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

>she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

>a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

>wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

>friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

>he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

>am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

>non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

>attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

>and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

>feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

>one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

>anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

>outcome?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

> >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> >outcome?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately if your mom has bpd she'll never see it. Sending the brochure or

trying to talk to her will do nothing but set you in a tailspin where you feel

crazy. Trying to talk things out with a bpd mom is like talking in circles to a

brick wall. She'll turn it around on you and take it as a personal attack. It's

taken me a long time to realize that you have to treat bpd people like you would

a small child having a temper tantrum. Set boundaries, enforce them and don't

react the way they want you to. It's incredibly frustrating. It hurts because

you keep expecting or hoping to have a normal reaction from a mentally ill

person- it's not going to happen and if it does, it'll be fleeting. Sorry to be

the bearer of bad news. The good news is that you are in the right place for

support, and once you set boundaries with your mom or continue no contact (for

many this is the best option) things can get better for you.

> >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> >outcome?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

i guess i was just hoping that maybe it would change her. i mostly feel anger

towards her,but then i feel bad. i hate the guilty feeling like im letting her

go downhill alone. everyone hates her and i feel bad. i know she brought it on

herself but i feel like i cant blame her, just her condition and i wish i could

make her see that. i wish i could give her a better life and her being

surrounded by people that care, but everyone ran away from her, i feel bad

sometimes just thinking she will die alone. but my life has been so much better

without her in it. sometimes it just feels like to much guilt to bear.

---- mozzarella27 wrote:

> Unfortunately if your mom has bpd she'll never see it. Sending the brochure or

trying to talk to her will do nothing but set you in a tailspin where you feel

crazy. Trying to talk things out with a bpd mom is like talking in circles to a

brick wall. She'll turn it around on you and take it as a personal attack. It's

taken me a long time to realize that you have to treat bpd people like you would

a small child having a temper tantrum. Set boundaries, enforce them and don't

react the way they want you to. It's incredibly frustrating. It hurts because

you keep expecting or hoping to have a normal reaction from a mentally ill

person- it's not going to happen and if it does, it'll be fleeting. Sorry to be

the bearer of bad news. The good news is that you are in the right place for

support, and once you set boundaries with your mom or continue no contact (for

many this is the best option) things can get better for you.

>

>

> > >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> > >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> > >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> > >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> > >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> > >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> > >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> > >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> > >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> > >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> > >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> > >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> > >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> > >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> > >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> > >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> > >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> > >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> > >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> > >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> > >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> > >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> > >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> > >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> > >outcome?

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Unfortunately, that's almost certainly a false hope. Nothing you

do or say can change the fact that she has BPD. It isn't the

type of problem where she's going to see the light, go to the

doctor, get some treatment and be well again. Having BPD makes

her unable to recognize that she has a problem at all. When you

can't see that you have a problem, you don't ask for help with

it or accept any help that is offered. Their reaction tends to

be quite the opposite - offers of help of that sort are usually

viewed as unwarranted personal attacks.

Guilt is one of the primary tools of a BP parent. They're

usually masters at training their children to feel guilt about

failing to do any of the things they want, reasonable or

otherwise. You don't have to blame her for her condition, but

you do have to accept the fact that she has the condition and

that you can't change that. It may not be her fault that she has

BPD, but neither is it your fault. It isn't your responsibility

to somehow make it all better. If anyone other than your mother

had emotionally abused you and intended to keep doing so, would

you feel guilty for not wanting to be in contact with that

person? Abuse is abuse, whether the person doing it is your

parent or someone else. We have no obligation to allow ourselves

to be abused on a continuing basis.

At 07:23 PM 07/28/2009 mjulian4@... wrote:

>i guess i was just hoping that maybe it would change her. i

>mostly feel anger towards her,but then i feel bad. i hate the

>guilty feeling like im letting her go downhill alone. everyone

>hates her and i feel bad. i know she brought it on herself but

>i feel like i cant blame her, just her condition and i wish i

>could make her see that. i wish i could give her a better life

>and her being surrounded by people that care, but everyone ran

>away from her, i feel bad sometimes just thinking she will die

>alone. but my life has been so much better without her in

>it. sometimes it just feels like to much guilt to bear.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I agree. I don't recommend telling your mother that you think she has bpd

*unless* you are willing to go " no contact " with her.

Last year my Sister and I tried being honest with our nada when she finally went

too far with insulting Sister one day (and insulting me, indirectly).

We decided to give our bpd mother/nada an ultimatum: We told her we were going

to have No Contact with her unless she agreed to go into therapy and at least

try to learn to self-monitor her behaviors. We told her that if she did that we

would consider re-initiating contact with her.

Nada did go into therapy and after about 6 months seemed miraculously cured.

She wrote us an apology letter, seemed remorseful, behaved really well, etc.

But only about 6 weeks into the miracle she had a total tantrum/rage/meltdown,

accused Sister and me of being deliberately hateful, that we were lying, that

there was nothing wrong with her, she was always a perfect mother, Sister and I

are the crazy ones, nada is just a poor victim, etc, etc. So, Sister is in

limited contact with our nada now and I'm in no contact with nada.

From my personal experience, my elderly nada is not capable of introspection, so

she can't achieve personal insight. I think she also lacks the capacity for

empathy, and I know she doesn't accept responsibility for her behaviors or what

she says. We're stuck with her the way she is.

Its sad, but Sister and I just have to accept that our mother is mentally ill,

and that means we have to distance ourselves from feeling guilty over or

responsible for her emotional state, her beliefs, her feelings or her behaviors.

We don't hate her, we just don't want her to hurt us any more.

-Annie

> > >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> > >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> > >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> > >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> > >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> > >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> > >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> > >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> > >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> > >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> > >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> > >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> > >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> > >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> > >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> > >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> > >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> > >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> > >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> > >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> > >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> > >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> > >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> > >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> > >outcome?

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have to agree with the other members who have said this will do no good.

And unfortunatly, BPD's tend to get worse as they age, not better. I think

it has to do with them seeing those around them grow up and have their own

lives that do not revolve around the BPD, and reinforces their sense of

abandonment. You are right, it is sad.

One option you have is to write a loving letter, and send the brochure and

let her know how you feel. You could do this as part of your healing

process. But if you send it, you need to be very aware that this will not

change her, and may even make her behavior worse. I am currently NC (No

Contact) with my nada to protect my very young children. Sometimes I feel

the same guilt that you speak of, but then I realize that by not

communicating with nada, not only am I protecting my family, I am also being

kinder to nada than feeding into her paranoia and drama. Every time we had a

visit, no matter how nice and walking on eggshells and exhausted I made

myself, it always ended badly. Every time. Every time I didn't pick up the

phone she escalated, and worked herself into a hysterical, screaming, raging

fit. By disengaging I saved everyone involved a lot of angst, including

nada.

As kids of, nada's have trained us to be their saviors. From a very young

age it was our job to take care of them in every way. We were programed to

be caretakers and to feel guilty. I reason to myself that by stepping back,

I am taking the best care of nada (and myself) that I can.

On Tue, Jul 28, 2009 at 6:18 PM, mozzarella27 wrote:

>

>

> Unfortunately if your mom has bpd she'll never see it. Sending the brochure

> or trying to talk to her will do nothing but set you in a tailspin where you

> feel crazy. Trying to talk things out with a bpd mom is like talking in

> circles to a brick wall. She'll turn it around on you and take it as a

> personal attack. It's taken me a long time to realize that you have to treat

> bpd people like you would a small child having a temper tantrum. Set

> boundaries, enforce them and don't react the way they want you to. It's

> incredibly frustrating. It hurts because you keep expecting or hoping to

> have a normal reaction from a mentally ill person- it's not going to happen

> and if it does, it'll be fleeting. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. The

> good news is that you are in the right place for support, and once you set

> boundaries with your mom or continue no contact (for many this is the best

> option) things can get better for you.

>

>

> > >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> > >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> > >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> > >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> > >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> > >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> > >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> > >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> > >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> > >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> > >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> > >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> > >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> > >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> > >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> > >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> > >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> > >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> > >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> > >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> > >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> > >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> > >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> > >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> > >outcome?

> >

> > --

> > Katrina

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

> > > >Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with

> > > >this problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away

> > > >from my mother. i have spent most of my life in therapy over

> > > >stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a therapist (i

> > > >am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i

> > > >started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i

> > > >felt like someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway,

> > > >my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to remember every

> > > >situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the

> > > >victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i

> > > >havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

> > > >she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and

> > > >she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had

> > > >a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she

> > > >wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me

> > > >friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think

> > > >he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

> > > >am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

> > > >non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

> > > >attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this

> > > >and would benefit from the help of a therapist. part of me

> > > >feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

> > > >one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has

> > > >anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the

> > > >outcome?

> > >

> > > --

> > > Katrina

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yep. Tried it. In fact, tried once in a family therapy session with a T while

she was in a Psych hospital for a week. The T agreed, and tried to help us form

a safety plan for helping her when she got out.

Nada s responce? Was in her room pouting, face turned to the wall, when my wife

and I arrived for the session, ( T s words, not mine) and when forced to come,

again refused to look at us, responce was " Well, I don t have any choice , do

I? "

Tried another time, responce was, I have MAJOR CLINICAL DEPRESSION. Its the

worst kind, and its incurable, and you just don t understand it, ( I ve also

been treated for clinical depression, big suprise for a KO, huh?) and I read it

all in this little pamphlet a friend gave me. After her death, going thru stuff,

I found that pamphlet, and it said the same things I had told her, all her take

on what she ought to do was fabricated.

So my experiences were not positive.

I can suggest some books that you may find helpful.

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense,

Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and

Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder: Your Friendly,

Authoritative Guide to the Latest in Traditional and Complementary Solutions

These will give you some insight on BP, as well as some insights on possible

ways of getting a BP to get help. But as far as just telling them, its OZ

thinking, if only I can get to the Wizard, .....

It would be great if we could say, MOM , guess what, I got it. You are a BP.

Now lets just find you a good Therapist and all will be well.

I wished it for years. I tried everything. And the reality is, sometimes they

are going to die still sick. And the only ones we get to choose health for, is

ourselves.

Doug

>

> Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with this problem. I

am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away from my mother. i have spent

most of my life in therapy over stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a

therapist (i am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i started

reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i felt like someone watched my

life and put it in a book. anyway, my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to

remember every situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the victim

in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i havent spoken or seen her in

a year but i have 2 toddlers and she calls and talks to my husband about once

every 2 months and she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we

had a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she wanted to fix

this and she said yes and he told her to call me friday but cant guarantee id

talk to her. which i wont. i think he is hoping this will change. but (and here

is my problem) i am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as attacking, and telling her

that i think she suffers from this and would benefit from the help of a

therapist. part of me feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her

and no one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has anyone on

here ever done that before? if so, what was the outcome?

>

[Guest guest]

welcome, like the others have said, it's NOT a good idea to try and tell

her. She wont believe you and will turn against you

Jackie

Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with this problem.

I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away from my mother. i have

spent most of my life in therapy over stuff that she has done to me. in the

process, a therapist (i am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has

bpd. i started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i felt like

someone watched my life and put it in a book. anyway, my mother creates

uneeded drama and tends to remember every situation differently then

everyone else, she ends up the victim in everything. i got so sick of it i

cut her off. i havent spoken or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and

she calls and talks to my husband about once every 2 months and she recently

came to visit. my husband took the kids and we had a set of rules for her to

follow. my husband asked her if she wanted to fix this and she said yes and

he told her to call me friday but cant guarantee id talk to her. which i

wont. i think he is hoping this will change. but (and here is my problem) i

am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very non-attacking

letter, which of course she will see as attacking, and telling her that i

think she suffers from this and would benefit from the help of a therapist.

part of me feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her and no

one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has anyone on

here ever done that before? if so, what was the outcome?

[Guest guest]

sadly, i feel like if she were to die all my problems would disappear. i hate

thinking that.

---- doug883 wrote:

> Yep. Tried it. In fact, tried once in a family therapy session with a T while

she was in a Psych hospital for a week. The T agreed, and tried to help us form

a safety plan for helping her when she got out.

>

> Nada s responce? Was in her room pouting, face turned to the wall, when my

wife and I arrived for the session, ( T s words, not mine) and when forced to

come, again refused to look at us, responce was " Well, I don t have any choice

, do I? "

>

> Tried another time, responce was, I have MAJOR CLINICAL DEPRESSION. Its the

worst kind, and its incurable, and you just don t understand it, ( I ve also

been treated for clinical depression, big suprise for a KO, huh?) and I read it

all in this little pamphlet a friend gave me. After her death, going thru stuff,

I found that pamphlet, and it said the same things I had told her, all her take

on what she ought to do was fabricated.

>

> So my experiences were not positive.

>

> I can suggest some books that you may find helpful.

>

> Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the

Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

>

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and

Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

>

> New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder: Your Friendly,

Authoritative Guide to the Latest in Traditional and Complementary Solutions

>

> These will give you some insight on BP, as well as some insights on possible

ways of getting a BP to get help. But as far as just telling them, its OZ

thinking, if only I can get to the Wizard, .....

>

> It would be great if we could say, MOM , guess what, I got it. You are a BP.

Now lets just find you a good Therapist and all will be well.

>

> I wished it for years. I tried everything. And the reality is, sometimes they

are going to die still sick. And the only ones we get to choose health for, is

ourselves.

>

> Doug

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with this problem.

I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away from my mother. i have spent

most of my life in therapy over stuff that she has done to me. in the process, a

therapist (i am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd. i started

reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i felt like someone watched my

life and put it in a book. anyway, my mother creates uneeded drama and tends to

remember every situation differently then everyone else, she ends up the victim

in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i havent spoken or seen her in

a year but i have 2 toddlers and she calls and talks to my husband about once

every 2 months and she recently came to visit. my husband took the kids and we

had a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her if she wanted to fix

this and she said yes and he told her to call me friday but cant guarantee id

talk to her. which i wont. i think he is hoping this will change. but (and here

is my problem) i am thinking of sending her a brochure on bpd and write a very

non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as attacking, and telling her

that i think she suffers from this and would benefit from the help of a

therapist. part of me feels bad for her and that everyone around her hates her

and no one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right thing?? has anyone on

here ever done that before? if so, what was the outcome?

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Feeling that way does not make you a bad person. You just want to shed the extra

weight on your shoulders- weight that is not yours. BPD parents give us their

burden to carry, and it's not fair. It's also completely appropriate to refuse

to carry their burden. Easier said than done, right? If I could follow my own

advice half the time I would be in a much better position. =) I'm trying really

hard though.

> > >

> > > Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with this

problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away from my mother. i

have spent most of my life in therapy over stuff that she has done to me. in the

process, a therapist (i am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd.

i started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i felt like someone

watched my life and put it in a book. anyway, my mother creates uneeded drama

and tends to remember every situation differently then everyone else, she ends

up the victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i havent spoken

or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and she calls and talks to my

husband about once every 2 months and she recently came to visit. my husband

took the kids and we had a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her

if she wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me friday but

cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think he is hoping this will

change. but (and here is my problem) i am thinking of sending her a brochure on

bpd and write a very non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this and would benefit

from the help of a therapist. part of me feels bad for her and that everyone

around her hates her and no one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right

thing?? has anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the outcome?

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need to go

back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in therapy. it

makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at them to wake

up!!

---- mozzarella27 wrote:

> Feeling that way does not make you a bad person. You just want to shed the

extra weight on your shoulders- weight that is not yours. BPD parents give us

their burden to carry, and it's not fair. It's also completely appropriate to

refuse to carry their burden. Easier said than done, right? If I could follow my

own advice half the time I would be in a much better position. =) I'm trying

really hard though.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi, I am new to this and have never talked to anyone else with this

problem. I am a 35 year old woman who lives 500 miles away from my mother. i

have spent most of my life in therapy over stuff that she has done to me. in the

process, a therapist (i am no longer with) told me she sounds like she has bpd.

i started reading on it, and it was so painful for me cause i felt like someone

watched my life and put it in a book. anyway, my mother creates uneeded drama

and tends to remember every situation differently then everyone else, she ends

up the victim in everything. i got so sick of it i cut her off. i havent spoken

or seen her in a year but i have 2 toddlers and she calls and talks to my

husband about once every 2 months and she recently came to visit. my husband

took the kids and we had a set of rules for her to follow. my husband asked her

if she wanted to fix this and she said yes and he told her to call me friday but

cant guarantee id talk to her. which i wont. i think he is hoping this will

change. but (and here is my problem) i am thinking of sending her a brochure on

bpd and write a very non-attacking letter, which of course she will see as

attacking, and telling her that i think she suffers from this and would benefit

from the help of a therapist. part of me feels bad for her and that everyone

around her hates her and no one is saying anything to her. am i doing the right

thing?? has anyone on here ever done that before? if so, what was the outcome?

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, ain't it a trip, they are the ones that are so creepy sick and we're

the ones in therapy to try and survive 'em.

My nada would never have accepted being the one that was sick, oh nooooo.

But my child, while stopping short at saying she's sick, does recognize her

illness. She and a friend looked it up online and oh to be a fly on the wall

for that conversation!

Flowers in Oz

Re: Re: Need advice on telling my mother i

think she is bp

i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need

to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in

therapy. it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell

at them to wake up!!

[Guest guest]

mjulian,

For what it is worth, I believe that seeking out help via therapy is a sign of

GREAT strength and courage. Those who need the help and refuse to go are really

showing their weakness and fear; I've been known to say they are in fact

cowardly. You are giving yourself the wonderful gift of ***HOPE***, while they

are choosing to stay stuck in the mire and muck of their sickness. Chances are

'they' are the ones who taught you (wrongly) that getting help is a sign of

weakness, that it means you are not tough enough and can't handle things. LIES,

LIES, ALL LIES!!! I give you a loud cheer and a pat on the back! I think you are

doing a fantastic thing to ask for help. It's a sign of true health; I believe

that wholeheartedly.

Take care,

>

> i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need to

go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in therapy. it

makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at them to wake

up!!

[Guest guest]

thank you monica, that means a lot to me. when i was a teen and sooo depressed

and didnt understand what was going on, i landed in my first hospital and it was

like a vacation to me, and after 6 months i went home again, and about 1 1/2

later i became depressed again and committed myself. i didnt want to feel like

that and i didnt understand what was going on with my mother, she was so

abusive and acting crazy and just plain hated me. she told me that she was

embarrased of me and if i ever needed another hospital that she wouldn't talk to

me again. ya know what, the hospitals helped me a lot, it kept me alive and

helped me stay strong, i just think this is a crazy sickness. its so frustrating

the the people around them. i think if she was bipolar or schizo she would be

easier to deal with. im glad i found this group, because trying to explain this

to others sometimes makes me feel nuts!! everyone keeps saying, shes your

mother, you have to forgive her. they dont understand that i feel like i cant.

im so angry and hurt and her mind games cripple me. i feel like i get thrown

back into being a kid again. AAHHH to have a normal life must be nice.

---- grace_debtor wrote:

> mjulian,

> For what it is worth, I believe that seeking out help via therapy is a sign of

GREAT strength and courage. Those who need the help and refuse to go are really

showing their weakness and fear; I've been known to say they are in fact

cowardly. You are giving yourself the wonderful gift of ***HOPE***, while they

are choosing to stay stuck in the mire and muck of their sickness. Chances are

'they' are the ones who taught you (wrongly) that getting help is a sign of

weakness, that it means you are not tough enough and can't handle things. LIES,

LIES, ALL LIES!!! I give you a loud cheer and a pat on the back! I think you are

doing a fantastic thing to ask for help. It's a sign of true health; I believe

that wholeheartedly.

>

> Take care,

>

>

>

> >

> > i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need

to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in therapy.

it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at them to

wake up!!

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with the rest of the group, telling her is futile at best. All hope is

not lost though, you can still stay NC! Just try and allow yourself to release

some of the FOG, and focus on healing yourself. It's truly not your fault your

mother is sick, and it's certainly not your responsibility to cure her.....

nobody could! Sending you good vibes from Canada,

PS: I still have not openly discussed my nada's BPD with her. That's the LAST

thing I would ever do. I am still employing LC, boundaries, and detached

compassion with her. Seems to be working for me. Although there are set backs I

just cut myself some slack and stay the hell away from her until I feel sane!

>

> Yeah, ain't it a trip, they are the ones that are so creepy sick and we're

> the ones in therapy to try and survive 'em.

>

> My nada would never have accepted being the one that was sick, oh nooooo.

> But my child, while stopping short at saying she's sick, does recognize her

> illness. She and a friend looked it up online and oh to be a fly on the wall

> for that conversation!

>

> Flowers in Oz

>

>

> Re: Re: Need advice on telling my mother i

> think she is bp

>

>

> i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need

> to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in

> therapy. it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell

> at them to wake up!!

>

[Guest guest]

Well, we can all wonder together what it would have been like to have a normal

life!

; )

Reading more of your story, I see more real strength in you. How wonderful that

you had somewhere to escape to. How ironic that your mom turned it around so

backwards - she called illness health, and strength weakness. You didn't deserve

any of that, and while it is maddening, it is commendable and honorable for you

to see the truth and battle FOR it. I know it is exhausting. You have many at

your side, and we all hope for the best for you.

We've had threads on here before about forgiveness, and I don't want to go into

a long diatrabe about it, but when I think of your friends' comments (ie: She's

your mom; you have to forgive her), I think that I understand it differently

than they do. Say my child does something wrong (drunk driving) that results in

another person being paralyzed for life. The vicitm and his family come to my

child and say, " Your choice was not wise. You did something you should not have

done. But we want you to know that we forgive you for this grievous injury. We

don't want to waste any part of our hearts or lives holding anger against you.

It won't undo anything. So we choose to forgive you. "

That would be amazing in and of itself, and these things really do happen, they

just are not the stories that make the news. But several truths remain: this

person is STILL paralyzed; my child will STILL have to live with the guilt of

what he/she chose to do. Perhaps there is even a jail sentence or the revocation

of a driver's license that my kid has to navigate through. THERE ARE STILL

CONSEQUENCES. Forgivness does not necessarily negate consequences.

If you get too close the tiger's cage and he rips your arm to pieces, you may

still go to the zoo to see that tiger, but you will certainly keep further away

from the cage than you chose to before. Consequences. And wisdom. Others on this

site have metioned a reply like, " My mom suffers from a mental illness, and it's

very difficult. That's all I feel comfortable saying about it. " You will find

what works for you. And as you move through your own journey, my hope is that

the feelings will have less intensity for you, and you can be more objective

about it. You deserve that much at least.

Sincerely,

> > >

> > > i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might need

to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in therapy.

it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at them to

wake up!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

i would love to come to terms with it all and forgive, in that sence. i think it

would be wonderful and it would probably feel like a weight has been lifted, but

i dont think im there quite yet, im still very angry. you have really given me a

lot to think about. thank you. your words really touched me. now im at work in

tears. lol

---- grace_debtor wrote:

> Well, we can all wonder together what it would have been like to have a normal

life!

> ; )

>

> Reading more of your story, I see more real strength in you. How wonderful

that you had somewhere to escape to. How ironic that your mom turned it around

so backwards - she called illness health, and strength weakness. You didn't

deserve any of that, and while it is maddening, it is commendable and honorable

for you to see the truth and battle FOR it. I know it is exhausting. You have

many at your side, and we all hope for the best for you.

>

> We've had threads on here before about forgiveness, and I don't want to go

into a long diatrabe about it, but when I think of your friends' comments (ie:

She's your mom; you have to forgive her), I think that I understand it

differently than they do. Say my child does something wrong (drunk driving) that

results in another person being paralyzed for life. The vicitm and his family

come to my child and say, " Your choice was not wise. You did something you

should not have done. But we want you to know that we forgive you for this

grievous injury. We don't want to waste any part of our hearts or lives holding

anger against you. It won't undo anything. So we choose to forgive you. "

>

> That would be amazing in and of itself, and these things really do happen,

they just are not the stories that make the news. But several truths remain:

this person is STILL paralyzed; my child will STILL have to live with the guilt

of what he/she chose to do. Perhaps there is even a jail sentence or the

revocation of a driver's license that my kid has to navigate through. THERE ARE

STILL CONSEQUENCES. Forgivness does not necessarily negate consequences.

>

> If you get too close the tiger's cage and he rips your arm to pieces, you may

still go to the zoo to see that tiger, but you will certainly keep further away

from the cage than you chose to before. Consequences. And wisdom. Others on this

site have metioned a reply like, " My mom suffers from a mental illness, and it's

very difficult. That's all I feel comfortable saying about it. " You will find

what works for you. And as you move through your own journey, my hope is that

the feelings will have less intensity for you, and you can be more objective

about it. You deserve that much at least.

>

> Sincerely,

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might

need to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in

therapy. it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at

them to wake up!!

> > >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

oops - sorry to make you cry at work!

; ]

Forgiveness can be a real process, and I have found that, for me,it ebbs and

flows. I can choose as a matter of my will to forgive/not hold a wrong against

someone, but that does not make the emotions or fallout that have resulted from

that person's actions magically disappear. Don't we wish!?!? And then of course

there are those times I go back to square one so to speak, when I don't feel a

shred of kindness, forgiveness, or empathy. I believe we likely *want* to be at

that place of forgiveness, but to be honest it is very difficult and painful. We

all progress at our own speeds, and that's okay. I just want to be moving in the

right direction (most of the time, anyway!).

Take care and keep the Kleenex close,

= D

> > > > >

> > > > > i hate this guilt i feel, i do feel terrible for her, i think i might

need to go back to therapy but i am soooooo sick of being the one who is in

therapy. it makes me so angry. its like you just want to shake them and yell at

them to wake up!!

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I tend to agree--telling your mom about her bpd is probably futile at best and

dangerous at worst.  I often struggle with the question of how much to tell

others about what I think and when.  The problem for me is that I tend to see it

as part of my duty to give others the information they need to make good

decisions when I happen to have it, but on the other hand just because I know it

doesn't mean they want to or that it is true.

The way I approach the question of how much to tell someone is to think through

how much more difficult it is for the other person to see or to come across the

same information as it is for me.  Is it is easy to find?  Is it something they

might know if they bothered to pay attention?  If it is, then I don't think I

need to tell them.  If they wanted to know, they could find out for themselves. 

I don't have access to any special information that they don't have.

If your mom has access to the Internet, can read, and owns a telephone, I don't

really think she needs you to tell her about bpd.  If she wanted to type in her

troubling symptoms and find out what they all meant, she could.  If she wanted

to consult a professional about it, she could pick up the phone and ask a few

question or even make an appointment.

I don't think you don't know anything that she couldn't find out if she wanted

to.  I know it may not seem that way, because it has taken most of us so long to

learn about the illness ourselves, but bpd really is becoming more and more easy

to find out about.

Just my thoughts,

Ashana

Love Cricket? Check out live scores, photos, video highlights and more.

Click here http://cricket.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

First I feel your pain. We all do and only those going through this understand.

Secondly I hate to say this but your nada will not believe you. Part of the

disease is thiinking they are perfect and everyone else is at fault and THEY'RE

the victim. Of course this isn't true at all and we know that. We know we're

the victims and we know that all those closest to her are the victims.

I also hate to say that if you go through with sending that brochure and a nice

letter not only will it not be viewed as 'nice' no matter how well worded you

make it, but you will be forever the enemy. Not that that matters and your

motives are for her and everyone near her and your family's highest good, but

she won't view it as such.

As difficult as this is, let it go and remain distant in all ways. She's like

an alcoholic or drug abuser - only if they really WANT help themselves will they

accept it and seek it. Otherwise as well meaning as you are, it won't make a

bit of difference.

One of my best friend's is a mental health therapist and she diagnosed my nada

after meeting her in November, 2008. She also told me that it takes at least a

year or two of therapy to help someone with BPD and it is very painful for them

because they have to admit and re-live a lot of their life. My nada is 88 and

doubtful with her health and with her dementia she would make it through it to

become well even if she DID agree to it. In my nada's case I just threw up my

hands and let it go. I accept she is not going to get better in any way for the

rest of her life which isn't much left and that she will only get healed and

healthy when she passes.

Ultimiately it's your choice of course and if you feel its best to send that

letter and that brochure, do so because then you can honestly say you did all

you could and have no regrets when she does pass at some point, but do what is

best for YOU.

[Guest guest]

that is how i feel, like no one has said it to her, no one has tried to point it

out. i dont care if she hates me and im the enemy, i already am in her eyes and

we dont speak as it is. but i guess if i were to die tomorrow, i can say, i

tried to tell her and help her. i guess in a way its to make me feel better. its

like having a friend who does things wrong all the time and everyone stands

around and talks about her behind her back. im alwasy the one to step forward

and say something. ive always been that way. id rather be honest then keep

talking about her and then she will know how i really feel. i know she wont

believe me and she thinks she is the victim and she is always right. i recently

had to cut off communication with my brother, hes a violent alcholic (wonder

where he gets that from) i told him until he can go to AA i cant put my family

around him anymore. Like i said before, at least i said it to his face and he

knows where i stand, everyone else just enables him and his drinking. family can

be a terrible thing sometimes.

missy

---- Marilyn wrote:

> First I feel your pain. We all do and only those going through this

understand.

>

> Secondly I hate to say this but your nada will not believe you. Part of the

disease is thiinking they are perfect and everyone else is at fault and THEY'RE

the victim. Of course this isn't true at all and we know that. We know we're

the victims and we know that all those closest to her are the victims.

>

> I also hate to say that if you go through with sending that brochure and a

nice letter not only will it not be viewed as 'nice' no matter how well worded

you make it, but you will be forever the enemy. Not that that matters and your

motives are for her and everyone near her and your family's highest good, but

she won't view it as such.

>

> As difficult as this is, let it go and remain distant in all ways. She's like

an alcoholic or drug abuser - only if they really WANT help themselves will they

accept it and seek it. Otherwise as well meaning as you are, it won't make a

bit of difference.

>

> One of my best friend's is a mental health therapist and she diagnosed my nada

after meeting her in November, 2008. She also told me that it takes at least a

year or two of therapy to help someone with BPD and it is very painful for them

because they have to admit and re-live a lot of their life. My nada is 88 and

doubtful with her health and with her dementia she would make it through it to

become well even if she DID agree to it. In my nada's case I just threw up my

hands and let it go. I accept she is not going to get better in any way for the

rest of her life which isn't much left and that she will only get healed and

healthy when she passes.

>

> Ultimiately it's your choice of course and if you feel its best to send that

letter and that brochure, do so because then you can honestly say you did all

you could and have no regrets when she does pass at some point, but do what is

best for YOU.

>

>