Re: Mom Visits

[Guest guest]

Why should you feel guilt over not letting her visit? She has a

history of mistreating you, right? So what do you have to feel

guilty about? When you find yourself feeling guilty, I suggest

stepping back a bit and asking yourself whether there's a real

cause to feel guilty or whether the guilt is something she's

taught you to feel.

If you don't want her to visit, then don't let her visit. The

fact that your husband doesn't want to see her is an important

consideration as well. Your marriage is your primary

relationship and what's good for it should receive a lot of

weight when deciding how to handle this. Telling her outright

that you don't want her to visit seems likely to set off a

storm. Since you apparently do want to maintain some

relationship with her, maybe you could come to some kind of

compromise where you see her without having her in your space or

having to spend too much time together? How far away is she?

Maybe you could meet somewhere away from your house for several

hours? I know my nada is a lot easier to deal with if I make

sure to meet her away from my own home and where I can leave as

soon as she starts misbehaving. If I know I don't *have* to put

up with her behavior, it is easier to deal with.

At 12:29 PM 07/08/2009 fl0g1rl wrote:

>Hi, all. I'm really struggling with something and hope to sort

>out my feelings and get some good feedback. My relationship

>with my mom (BPD) has been very strained since I got married

>four years ago. About 9 months ago it got to the point that I

>really thought we were going to end contact with eachother. I

>was depressed about this, got on Lexipro and was feeling

>stronger so I made the effort to patch things up, which wasn't

>easy. She was very nasty at first but we are on relatively good

>terms now. Yet she is still BPD - I can't forget that - and

>I've chosen to keep minimal contact. It's been almost a year

>since we saw eachother in person and she wants to visit. She

>has been asking for months. I've been putting it off for a

>number of reasons. 1) I just have no desire to spend more than

>a few hours with her. 2) My husband doesn't want to see her

>because of how she has treated me the last several years. 3) I

>don't think she really wants to see me - I'm afraid she just

>wants to bait me into saying " not this weekend " again so she

>can go on being the victim. She will probably use whatever

>interaction we have (or whatever she imagines to take place) to

>use against me in the future.

>

>I know I'm being negative and fatalistic, but it's based on

>past experience. However, I feel terribly guilty for not

>letting her visit. To make matters worse, I'm going off of

>Lexipro because I want to have another baby. I'm just afraid

>whatever occurs will put me into another depression, making

>Lexipro necessary and forcing me to put off my plans for a

>baby.

>

>I really wish I could just shrug off whatever she does or says,

>but I'm not to that point yet.

>

>Should I be direct with her and tell her how I feel at the risk

>of damaging our relationship more? Or should I give her a

>chance? Excuses won't work anymore, and she can't stand

>boundaries so if I do say no it will probably result in a rage

>and/or non-communication again.

>

>I'm so confused...

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for the input. The guilt definitely comes from her, and her

reaction any time I set a boundary. She acts hurt and I have to remind myself,

she is the reason I'm saying no. I would love to have the kind of mother I could

welcome into my home with joy, but I don't.

As far as the meeting elsewhere goes, I've tried suggesting that and she always

says no. Probably because it gives me too much control. She's an all or nothing

person - not very good at compromising. If she can't spend three days with me,

she won't settle for three hours. But you are right, she'll just have to. I'll

keep extending the invitation for the kind of visit that I'm comfortable with

and if she doesn't take it that's her problem. I think it is going to end up

exploding in my face no matter what I do so I might as well do what I want.

Thanks again.

Olivia

> >Hi, all. I'm really struggling with something and hope to sort

> >out my feelings and get some good feedback. My relationship

> >with my mom (BPD) has been very strained since I got married

> >four years ago. About 9 months ago it got to the point that I

> >really thought we were going to end contact with eachother. I

> >was depressed about this, got on Lexipro and was feeling

> >stronger so I made the effort to patch things up, which wasn't

> >easy. She was very nasty at first but we are on relatively good

> >terms now. Yet she is still BPD - I can't forget that - and

> >I've chosen to keep minimal contact. It's been almost a year

> >since we saw eachother in person and she wants to visit. She

> >has been asking for months. I've been putting it off for a

> >number of reasons. 1) I just have no desire to spend more than

> >a few hours with her. 2) My husband doesn't want to see her

> >because of how she has treated me the last several years. 3) I

> >don't think she really wants to see me - I'm afraid she just

> >wants to bait me into saying " not this weekend " again so she

> >can go on being the victim. She will probably use whatever

> >interaction we have (or whatever she imagines to take place) to

> >use against me in the future.

> >

> >I know I'm being negative and fatalistic, but it's based on

> >past experience. However, I feel terribly guilty for not

> >letting her visit. To make matters worse, I'm going off of

> >Lexipro because I want to have another baby. I'm just afraid

> >whatever occurs will put me into another depression, making

> >Lexipro necessary and forcing me to put off my plans for a

> >baby.

> >

> >I really wish I could just shrug off whatever she does or says,

> >but I'm not to that point yet.

> >

> >Should I be direct with her and tell her how I feel at the risk

> >of damaging our relationship more? Or should I give her a

> >chance? Excuses won't work anymore, and she can't stand

> >boundaries so if I do say no it will probably result in a rage

> >and/or non-communication again.

> >

> >I'm so confused...

>

> --

> Katrina

>