Nada planning her funeral...and nothing is wrong with her!!

[Guest guest]

My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to my

fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral.

She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because " I

won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or anything!!

She then tells me " You will have your family and your children, so I don't want

to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it, my

nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom and my

mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was

telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family because my nada, aunt

and grandnada all are the same person!!

Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

AJ

[Guest guest]

I've had the same conversations re: funerals and death with Nada. I do one of

two things, either thank her (not being specific about what) or just ignore what

she said and change topics. The " ace in the hole " that I will play in almost

any situation, however, is " You do what you feel is best for YOU. " BPD's can't

handle when the responsiblity of action/outcome is placed squarely back on them

- with NO drama. When it doesn't become a thing for/about them - a crying,

pleading, mind-numbing cesspool of emotional ick - they lose steam.

Try it... you'll LOVE it.

Lynnette

>

> My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to my

fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral.

She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

>

> She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

" I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children, so I

don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

>

> I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it, my

nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom and my

mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was

telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family because my nada, aunt

and grandnada all are the same person!!

>

> Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

Lynette, that is very good advice!! I am anxious to call her and yell at her,

but I know it won't do any good. I have to remember not to engage in her

" tantrums " . I just can't handle her. I hate talking to her, or being around her,

or even speaking about her when people ask " How is your mom and dad? " I want to

scream!

Thanks again, Lynette.

> >

> > My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to my

fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral.

She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

> >

> > She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

" I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children, so I

don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

> >

> > I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it,

my nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom and my

mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was

telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family because my nada, aunt

and grandnada all are the same person!!

> >

> > Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

> >

> > AJ

> >

>

[Guest guest]

my nada has her funeral all planned out and paid for...has for years...tells

me about it every time we'd talk...like she's trying to scare me ( but

really, I can't wait !!) she's gone into such detail about it, she's even

jotting down notes for her eulogy !! I wont be at her funeral anyhow. I

refuse to go there and listen to people say what a sweet, warm giving person

she was...I've told my sisters that I will go to the family gathering/wake

type thing, but I will not go to the service...knowing nada, it will be the

social event of the church's year !! Nada KNOWS I will not go to the

cemetery to visit a plot...I just think it's a weird idea..going to visit

dirt and a head stone...anyway you are NOT going to become your mother !!

I'm sure these people, like my nada, was this way since puberty or earlier

!!

Jackie

My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to

my fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her

funeral. She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her

and my fada want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

" I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children,

so I don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that

mean?!!

I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it,

my nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom

and my mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!!

She was telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a

mirror. So I think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family

because my nada, aunt and grandnada all are the same person!!

Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

AJ

[Guest guest]

Yes, I agree its sad, interesting and disturbing to discover that mental illness

runs in one's family. But please don't worry about " becoming her " : the latest

scientific medical research is tending to conclude that in order for bpd to

occur, a person has to be born with the predisposing set of genes. (At least

you and your cousin are mentally healthy, and how nice to reconnect with her

after 20 years: that is a blessing!)

So, even if you were raised by a bpd and were mistreated and abused, that in

itself doesn't cause bpd. If that were true, all of us here would be raging

bpds.

Parental abuse does damage, to be sure: profound emotional damage like crippling

low self-esteem, the Stockholm syndrome and chronic post-traumatic stress

disorder, and this damage can take a lifetime to overcome, but it does not " turn

you into a bpd " unless you were unfortunate enough to have been born with the

genetically-acquired bad brain wiring/bad chemicals to begin with.

RE your nada taking care of her own and your father's burial arrangements and

saying that she doesn't want a funeral:

Well, in my opinion making the burial arrangements for herself and for your dad

is a very responsible and thoughtful thing for your nada to do. Most mentally

healthy parents will do this for themselves so their children don't have to deal

with it. Sometimes my nada can behave in a very adult and responsible manner

too; she made her funeral and burial arrangements a few years ago. Depending

on how you feel about it after your nada passes away, you can decide whether you

want to have a funeral/memorial service for her or not, but if you do it sounds

like you'll have to make the arrangements and pay for it yourself.

So, yes, even bpds can have moments of clarity and make thoughtful and

considerate decisions, sometimes.

-Annie

>

> My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to my

fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral.

She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

>

> She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

" I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children, so I

don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

>

> I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it, my

nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom and my

mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was

telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family because my nada, aunt

and grandnada all are the same person!!

>

> Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

This is a little off-topic but inspired by what you wrote Annie. When I think

of the one thing that is in common with the three mentally ill Cluster B's in my

FOO, it is that they believe, they *know*, that they have the absolute right to

take certain things from others. Love, money, time, obedience, tact, loyalty,

silence. They believe their absolute right to have these things is more

important than the needs of the one they expect it from and they do not

recognize that these things are GIVEN or not given by the free choice of another

individual. It's the profound ENTITLEMENT that I see at the core for all three.

Not yelling with the caps - there's just no bold function on Yahoo.

> >

> > My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to my

fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral.

She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

> >

> > She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

" I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children, so I

don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

> >

> > I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it,

my nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom and my

mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was

telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family because my nada, aunt

and grandnada all are the same person!!

> >

> > Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

> >

> > AJ

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My take on this is that she's telling you these things because

she wants you to respond by saying she isn't/won't be a burden

and that you want to visit her grave after she dies. She's

fishing for you to tell her things that will make her feel loved

and appreciated. Also, if you don't respond that way, then she

can internally justify treating you badly afterward because you

don't love her enough. Nadas like to set up that type of

situation.

Also, no matter how many BPD family members you have, you don't

really need to worry about becoming your nada. BPD doesn't just

appear in adults. If it is going to appear, it happens much

earlier.

At 03:58 PM 07/25/2009 aj91507 wrote:

>My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been

>talking about cancelling her life insurance because she can't

>afford to pay into it due to my fada being laid off. So she

>cashed it out and used it to pay for her funeral. She contacted

>the military funeral home by her house because her and my fada

>want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

>

>She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a

>plot because " I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she

>doesn't want flowers or anything!! She then tells me " You will

>have your family and your children, so I don't want to burden

>you when I die. " What in the world does that mean?!!

>

>I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you

>guessed it, my nada's fault because she kept everyone away from

>me as a kid). Her mom and my mom are sisters and, after our

>conversation, the EXACT same person!! She was telling me stuff

>she does to her and it was like looking into a mirror. So I

>think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family

>because my nada, aunt and grandnada all are the same person!!

>

>Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to

>become her!!

>

>AJ

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Jackie and AJ - " Planned out and paid for " sounds like such a LUXURY! I had to

laugh when I read Jackie's post - my mother has a " plan " for a funeral that will

look something like Liz 's entrance into Rome as Cleopatra (complete with

golden barge, miniature pyramid, and a cast of thousands) - but like AJ's mom,

she may or may not have stopped paying for her insurance. So I'm left with her

big Plan, and no way of funding it. So the last time I talked with her about

it, I made it plain that I was planning to have her cremated and put the ashes

in the compost bin. She was suitably horrified (and I was, truthfully, messing

with her - I might not put the ashes in the compost bin.) I'm pretty sure she's

in cahoots with the funeral director in her home town. He's going to be stunned

when I tell him that her " Plan " and what I'm willing to pay for are NOT the same

thing! -

>

> my nada has her funeral all planned out and paid for...has for years...tells

> me about it every time we'd talk...like she's trying to scare me ( but

> really, I can't wait !!) she's gone into such detail about it, she's even

> jotting down notes for her eulogy !! I wont be at her funeral anyhow. I

> refuse to go there and listen to people say what a sweet, warm giving person

> she was...I've told my sisters that I will go to the family gathering/wake

> type thing, but I will not go to the service...knowing nada, it will be the

> social event of the church's year !! Nada KNOWS I will not go to the

> cemetery to visit a plot...I just think it's a weird idea..going to visit

> dirt and a head stone...anyway you are NOT going to become your mother !!

> I'm sure these people, like my nada, was this way since puberty or earlier

> !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

>

> My nada hit the ultimate low the other day. She has been talking about

> cancelling her life insurance because she can't afford to pay into it due to

> my fada being laid off. So she cashed it out and used it to pay for her

> funeral. She contacted the military funeral home by her house because her

> and my fada want to be buried there due to my fada's navy service.

>

> She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want a funeral, a plot because

> " I won't go to visit her anyways " and that she doesn't want flowers or

> anything!! She then tells me " You will have your family and your children,

> so I don't want to burden you when I die. " What in the world does that

> mean?!!

>

> I just recently met with my cousin after a 20 year absence (you guessed it,

> my nada's fault because she kept everyone away from me as a kid). Her mom

> and my mom are sisters and, after our conversation, the EXACT same person!!

> She was telling me stuff she does to her and it was like looking into a

> mirror. So I think BPD and mental/chemical inbalances run in our family

> because my nada, aunt and grandnada all are the same person!!

>

> Where do I run when all of my family is BPD? I am so afraid to become her!!

>

> AJ

>

[Guest guest]

it really is a luxury because if it were up to me alone, I may just bury her

out in some field ! I think she was worried about it, she's paid for her

casket, burial plot and cremation ( why do you need a plot if you're

cremated ?? I guess she's afraid I'd just throw her ashes out , which I may

LOL) I'm sure she even has the eulogy written out , scripted for

everyone...

Jackie

Jackie and AJ - " Planned out and paid for " sounds like such a LUXURY! I had

to laugh when I read Jackie's post - my mother has a " plan " for a funeral

that will look something like Liz 's entrance into Rome as Cleopatra

(complete with golden barge, miniature pyramid, and a cast of thousands) -

but like AJ's mom, she may or may not have stopped paying for her insurance.

So I'm left with her big Plan, and no way of funding it. So the last time I

talked with her about it, I made it plain that I was planning to have her

cremated and put the ashes in the compost bin. She was suitably horrified

(and I was, truthfully, messing with her - I might not put the ashes in the

compost bin.) I'm pretty sure she's in cahoots with the funeral director in

her home town. He's going to be stunned when I tell him that her " Plan " and

what I'm willing to pay for are NOT the same thing! -