breaking free of past legacy

[Guest guest]

I believe that each one of us here, finds our own way to make peace

with being a daughter or son of someone who can't help themselves. I

can keep heaping blame upon blame on my nada, but that will not help

me love myself. The damage has already been done. I am the one who

is free to make different choices and to refuse to stay in a place of

resentment.

To expect my parents to have parented me perfectly, is as

unreasonable as them expecting me to be a perfect daughter. It is

taking away their right to be human.They weren't born with prior

practice of being parents. My dad is, as one of you said, an

innocent. He was superior in the world of numbers and lacked a

vocabulary for emotions. Likely he was not trained in anything but the

wisdom of walking away from confrontation in his family of origin.

This realisation is helping me cope with my mom's harsh words (and my

dad's quiescence) with some level of serenity. It hasnt taken the

pain away of their not being able to meet my needs... but it has

prevented me from dwelling in resentment against them.

I can find my own way. I have made my own mistakes, grown up on my

own. I have to admit my part--that I clung on to my IDEALS for and

EXPECTATIONS of them for too long, and was blind to that clinging. I

am grateful for my God-given resilience and my ability to persevere

against the odds, until I could finally see the light.

I have chosen to love my parents, but from a safe distance. My

choices may not seem right to my parents, but they are MY choices.

I own them and I love myself.

My best to all of us here on this path of our lifetimes.

Best,

[Guest guest]

Not to argue but to explain. Really I don't disagree with those who

feel that those with BPD are sane. You all have your points.

Still here is my " take " . It may only apply to my situation, but it

really helps me.

My nada is seventy six in a few weeks. She had choices to resolve her

past trauma. Tools are there for her STILL. She even lives in the

Seattle area for crying out loud. Marcia Lineham? I would see her in a

heartbeat. But I am not BPD.

My mom has used her brain so badly all these years that she CAN not

help herself any more. She has created a whole life and mindset that

makes self-examination a genuine threat to her " sanity " . The ability

and willingness to self-examine are key to healing BPD,

As for me I can self-examine. But the only person who can benefit from

that is ME.

All I know is that if I stay in a place where I " hold " my BPD (and

her enabler) responsible for my happiness... I am there in the same

noose.

Best to all,

[Guest guest]

this is very true, , but it doesn't mean you have to say they

were/are incapable of making the choices they did.. We are all responsible

for our own happiness...no one can give or take that away from us...nada was

and still is a very nasty person toward her children ( except the golden

child) and her husband...she continues to tell us were are worthless,

useless terrible children and she wishes she could have killed us all. We

are all such a disappointment to her. But thats HER problem. I am over

that, she made her choices, now she has to deal with the consequences, that

none of her children ( except the golden child) want to have anything to do

with her. She never treats the golden child this way, and never ever treats

anyone else this way either, only us kids and her husband. I once asked her

why she was so mean to us, and her response was " you HAVE to love me " oh

yeah, who said so ?? Nada has made it clear to me and my siblings that over

the years she is aware of her behavior..she never apologizes...but makes an

excuse of why she did what she did " you MAKE me do this " " you make me so

angry " or just a shrug of the shoulder to show she doesn't really

care...and maybe your nada is incapable of making choices, but my nada, at

86 is still mentally alert and still able to choose what she wants to say

and do, just like she's always been able to do

Jackie

All I know is that if I stay in a place where I " hold " my BPD (and

her enabler) responsible for my happiness... I am there in the same

noose.

Best to all,

------------------------------------

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THE GROUP.

To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

() for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

>Jackie,

Hang in there, the " golden child " just might see the light. I am a golden

child and it was very tiring. We get to the point when one more drama to attend

to and support breaks the camel's back.

In my case when an event happened that I knew in the long run I was the only one

to be there to rescue her when she might end up with nothing and knocking on my

door, it was time to set some boundries to protect my happy life I have created

after years of HARD WORK.

I felt like wanting out all the time but are not brave enough to follow through.

Sometimes I think would it have been easier when put down and verbally abused?

Least there would be an excuse to leave. I found it hard to go NC when I felt

like her life support system. " your my everything " statements and " your all I

have now " . (Bro NC, nada's immediate family all deceased)

But hey this life support now has to give her first priority to husband and

child.

Nada has been in my dreams, back of my mind since I can remember. Worry, worry.

Hope, hope that all my hard work will eventually heal her ways and she will be

healed.

Just can't do it anymore too much to loose. If my marriage or daughter get

affected by Nada I would never forgive myself. I have already wasted too many

years.

I know this is off the subject but for some reason I needed to share the journey

of a Golden Child and hope for you that your sibling might see the light or

already does but not strong enough to break away. Another post helped me to

understand the Scape Goat and how my bro could be feeling towards me.

Kazam

> this is very true, , but it doesn't mean you have to say they

> were/are incapable of making the choices they did.. We are all responsible

> for our own happiness...no one can give or take that away from us...nada was

> and still is a very nasty person toward her children ( except the golden

> child) and her husband...she continues to tell us were are worthless,

> useless terrible children and she wishes she could have killed us all. We

> are all such a disappointment to her. But thats HER problem. I am over

> that, she made her choices, now she has to deal with the consequences, that

> none of her children ( except the golden child) want to have anything to do

> with her. She never treats the golden child this way, and never ever treats

> anyone else this way either, only us kids and her husband. I once asked her

> why she was so mean to us, and her response was " you HAVE to love me " oh

> yeah, who said so ?? Nada has made it clear to me and my siblings that over

> the years she is aware of her behavior..she never apologizes...but makes an

> excuse of why she did what she did " you MAKE me do this " " you make me so

> angry " or just a shrug of the shoulder to show she doesn't really

> care...and maybe your nada is incapable of making choices, but my nada, at

> 86 is still mentally alert and still able to choose what she wants to say

> and do, just like she's always been able to do

>

> Jackie

>

>

> All I know is that if I stay in a place where I " hold " my BPD (and

> her enabler) responsible for my happiness... I am there in the same

> noose.

>

> Best to all,

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at

> @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON

> THE GROUP.

>

> To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL

> () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline

> Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can

> find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community!

>

> From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE

> and the SWOE Workbook.

[Guest guest]

thanks for your input, I don't hold out much hope, as the golden child in my

family is so deep in denial..and is 62 years old....he still puts nada above

his wife of 30 years...why she allows it I have no idea...nada is the most

important thing in his life. When she had the heart attack, he called me

and asked what are we going to do about it (HUH ???) I said I will let the

drs take care of it...when nada went through her cancer treatment, The

Golden Child called me up ( I have two other sisters and another brother,

but I'm the one he turns to) and TOLD me I was going to go up there and stay

for 2weeks and take care of her. My husband would remain here and take care

of the animals and this way he could still go to work. We live 400+ miles

from the parents...and I will NOT abandon my husband nor my responsibilities

to my animals to care for an evil ungrateful witch. I was shocked that

Oldest brother would " demand " I do this..I just told him nope, aint goinna

happen. I don't have a " bad " relationship with The Gold Child..I know it's

not his fault..but it is hard being compared to him all the time and them

talking about how wonderful he is and how perfect he is, and why cant the

rest of us be like him ?? and that they should have stopped after having

him and not had any more kids ( yes, they should have !! not my fault they

didn't!!)

Jackie

>Jackie,

Hang in there, the " golden child " just might see the light. I am a golden

child and it was very tiring. We get to the point when one more drama to

attend to and support breaks the camel's back.

In my case when an event happened that I knew in the long run I was the only

one to be there to rescue her when she might end up with nothing and

knocking on my door, it was time to set some boundries to protect my happy

life I have created after years of HARD WORK.

I felt like wanting out all the time but are not brave enough to follow

through. Sometimes I think would it have been easier when put down and

verbally abused? Least there would be an excuse to leave. I found it hard

to go NC when I felt like her life support system. " your my everything "

statements and " your all I have now " . (Bro NC, nada's immediate family all

deceased)

But hey this life support now has to give her first priority to husband and

child.

Nada has been in my dreams, back of my mind since I can remember. Worry,

worry. Hope, hope that all my hard work will eventually heal her ways and

she will be healed.

Just can't do it anymore too much to loose. If my marriage or daughter get

affected by Nada I would never forgive myself. I have already wasted too

many years.

I know this is off the subject but for some reason I needed to share the

journey of a Golden Child and hope for you that your sibling might see the

light or already does but not strong enough to break away. Another post

helped me to understand the Scape Goat and how my bro could be feeling

towards me.

Kazam