Re: Question re BPD

[Guest guest]

Suzy,

Thanks for the metaphor. It will help me in dealing with my mother. I hadn't

been able to put it into words, nor a picture I could visualize; a wounded lion

in a cage. I can have compassion, but I'm not getting in the cage :>).

Marko

>

> I've struggled with the whole " Jekyll and Hyde " thing, too. My nada

> wasn't a nasty abusive parent when I was young - or even into early

> adulthood. She was more the fragile drama queen " who went to bed " or

> even attempted suicide when things didn't go her way. She'd yell and

> take " the switch " to us, but that's about it. She had 4 kids by the age

> of 25, and was 28 when dear dad abandoned us. A lot to deal with for

> anyone. Still, she was young, and fun in a lot of ways - more like an

> older sister, never the strict parent. She did make it clear at various

> points that none of us were ever " planned, " but that she couldn't keep

> dad out of her bed. Thanks for sharing, nada. If anything, she was

> neglectful of us - and left my grandparents to deal with a lot, then

> resented their " intrusion " in our lives. Thank god we lived next door to

> them, though.

>

> I don't think the " guy " thing necessarily extends to all males - or that

> has not been the experience in my family. Nada was young and very

> pretty - men flocked to her and she went through her share (4 marriages

> - and more affairs than I can remember). They never stayed long, or

> when they didn't hold up to her demands, she ditched them. She had no

> trouble breaking up marriages -- the attentions of men were just another

> fix to her need for attention. (Even now, in the nurse home,

> overweight, unkempt and not the least bit attractive anymore, she still

> has a disconnect with her self-image; she thought the one male resident

> who came in to talk with her about computers - she had expressed

> interest -- was actually trying to come on to her. Ewwww.)

>

> She didn't transfer that male adoration to my brothers, however. In

> fact, I was the one put up on the pedestal - as her trophy doll. As

> soon as my brothers stood up to her, or pushed back, Mr. Hyde started to

> come through. As soon as they married, she went after their wives,

> verbally and sometimes physically. I married at 19 and lived across the

> country, so never witnessed her outlbursts until, while visiting, I saw

> her physically attack husband#4 and was stunned. She put my brothers

> and their wives through various forms of hell (I now understand much

> more), but always played the victim with me. I was used to her drama

> and took some of it with reservation, but never truly understood how

> much she flipped the truth until later. The kick in the gut reality

> check came for me when I had a bout with cancer, and delayed telling her

> until I had a better sense of it's " stage " and the plan for treatment,

> etc. When I did tell her, her response was that I had no " right " to

> keep it from her. I knew then that she felt ownership, not love, and

> that broke something in me. I've never felt the same toward her - and

> she knows it. Only after that first push-back from me, did she begin to

> reveal the Hyde side to me as well. I've come to understand (w/help

> from therapist) that the more she felt she was losing " control " of

> everyone, the more the Hyde behaviors escalated, until she was caught in

> her own vicious circular self-fulfilling prophecy. (As for the

> ownership thing, she's even slipped up and actually used those words.

> She once said to me in reference to me and my brothers when we had

> gathered together at one of their homes: " You don't belong to each

> other, you belong to me. " )

>

> I do believe there is a person in great pain in there somewhere, and it

> saddens me terribly, but that does not mean that I can fix it or change

> it - and more importantly, it is not my responsibility to. I've come to

> view nada as an injured caged animal (a lioness comes to mind), and I

> can stand outside the cage and look in with sadness, and feel compassion

> simply for the suffering of another being, but I am not going to get in

> the cage with her to be ripped to shreds. She can roar, and she can

> pant in pain, and she can lie regally and calmly, but she's still that

> injured/wild animal. I can no more understand what's going on in a

> BP/NP's mind than I can that of a wild animal. I can sit back and try

> to intellectualize that the BP/NP is at work, that nada is just trying

> to hold onto everyone around her with desperation, because she really

> does fear being alone, but the damage she is capable of inflicting is

> very real. Her methods of holding on are akin to using those long claws

> - or more aptly a meat hook (sorry for the imagery), and yet she is

> incapable of seeing the pain she inflicts - or sees it as natural.

> I'll keep the compassion, but I'm staying outside of the cage.

>

> Suzy

>