Guest guest Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Dear AJ, I don't know if I can be much help because I have never gone N.C as such, but this must be hard for you, especially at this time when you need extra support. They really do defy logic don't they! I can relate to this pattern though. A few weeks ago, my mum flew into a rage that resulted in two evenings filled with a tirade if nasty phone calls and messages and I wrote to her to say that I couldn't see her again until she got some help. Since then I've had lovely, everyday chit chat kinds of messages and teary apologies-she acted the way she did because she is so sick and lonely etc, etc. She even tried to blame it on having thrush (sorry for crassness) at one point! So I can really relate to that absurd inconsistency of behaviour. It always seems to come down to the same thing doesn't it- this huge need they have of you being there for them. It's so exhausting isn't it! I am now facing meeting with her some time over the weekend and I really don't feel like it! I have cancelled a meeting already this week. In the past I would have called her already and accepted her excuses, partly because of my constant worry about her being so alone, but this time I feel entirely free of this responsibility for her welfare and feel I could easily not see her. I also have a new baby, so I feel that she is my absolute priority. I'm not sure what to do when I see her. It probably sounds funny, but I feel like writing a contract that she has to adhere to because I have no more energy to deal with her crap. I just don't want to return to " normal " with her until the next explosion. All I can think of is having a line prepared if she asks to visit or wants to return to any form of closeness " I am still feeling hurt by your behaviour and need some more time " . I have to work out on what grounds I think I can see her- how frequently etc. I am curious, if you have the energy at the moment as to how you created N.C with your Nada. Was it something that you presented to her or just decided for yourself and implemented? Can anyone else out there give me any insight into this process? I must admit, as much as I have had the constant worry at the back of my mind, it has been a huge relief having some time away from her these past few weeks. It has given me time to reflect on just how tense I have been even when her behaviour has been seemingly normal. There is always such an edge to her behaviour. She is always pushing boundaries. Well, I'm not sure that they ever get it. I think it's partly because of their all or nothing framework, so if they feel unloved or criticised they need to dismiss it because it threatens their entire existence. It also reflects their desperate need to be in control. They want to dictate the terms of engagement, not have you do it for them. Does that make sense? It sounds like you have some lovely, family members around you to support you, which is a saving grace. I guess just allow yourself to have the space you need and continue not picking up that phone as often as you need. Take care, With warmth, Lynda > > I am going through a death in my family and have had to temporarily break NC. I have no desire to speak to certain members of my family that are my nada's " Flying Monkeys " and choose to surround myself around the positive family and friends (basically those that my nada isolated me from my entire life). My nada has been incessantly calling me. Sometimes, I choose to answer(only if there are funeral arrangements that I need) but other times I choose to ignore. > > After nearly 3 months of NC, my nada is leaving messages saying " Why aren't you there for us? " " We are all alone. " " I can't believe you haven't come over to see how we are doing. " Ummm....does my nada get it? After a HUGE rage my nada went into around Easter (and some nasty, horrible, vile things that she said to me), I have stopped all contact with her since. And NOW she is asking me to " Be there for her!? " Are you kidding me? > > I was wondering if any of you that are NC have ever had your nada just give up or " get it " that you want to stay away? Does she ever quit? > > AJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 That's a good question you posted about NC....with me, I just decided not to speak to anymore. It was such a horrible arguement that we had that I just didn't feel she deserved me telling her " Im deciding to stay away. " Maybe that is why she keeps calling me, but I honestly don't understand how she cannot know why I am not speaking to her! The last thing she said to me was " Stay away from me! You are evil! Not even on my deathbed do I want you there! " That pretty much was the end for me..... AJ > > > > I am going through a death in my family and have had to temporarily break NC. I have no desire to speak to certain members of my family that are my nada's " Flying Monkeys " and choose to surround myself around the positive family and friends (basically those that my nada isolated me from my entire life). My nada has been incessantly calling me. Sometimes, I choose to answer(only if there are funeral arrangements that I need) but other times I choose to ignore. > > > > After nearly 3 months of NC, my nada is leaving messages saying " Why aren't you there for us? " " We are all alone. " " I can't believe you haven't come over to see how we are doing. " Ummm....does my nada get it? After a HUGE rage my nada went into around Easter (and some nasty, horrible, vile things that she said to me), I have stopped all contact with her since. And NOW she is asking me to " Be there for her!? " Are you kidding me? > > > > I was wondering if any of you that are NC have ever had your nada just give up or " get it " that you want to stay away? Does she ever quit? > > > > AJ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2010 Report Share Posted July 2, 2010 Can anyone else explain their NC situations? Did you tell your nada that you needed to stay away or did you just stop talking to her? AJ > > > > > > I am going through a death in my family and have had to temporarily break NC. I have no desire to speak to certain members of my family that are my nada's " Flying Monkeys " and choose to surround myself around the positive family and friends (basically those that my nada isolated me from my entire life). My nada has been incessantly calling me. Sometimes, I choose to answer(only if there are funeral arrangements that I need) but other times I choose to ignore. > > > > > > After nearly 3 months of NC, my nada is leaving messages saying " Why aren't you there for us? " " We are all alone. " " I can't believe you haven't come over to see how we are doing. " Ummm....does my nada get it? After a HUGE rage my nada went into around Easter (and some nasty, horrible, vile things that she said to me), I have stopped all contact with her since. And NOW she is asking me to " Be there for her!? " Are you kidding me? > > > > > > I was wondering if any of you that are NC have ever had your nada just give up or " get it " that you want to stay away? Does she ever quit? > > > > > > AJ > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Wow, I can see why that was it for you. Thanks for answering my question. I appreciate it. I guess I have been N.C in that case as I have not really contacted her (other than a letter) since she had her recent outburst. Interestingly my mother said that very same thing to me in her angry torrent of text messages- that she didn't want me around when she dies. Then they wonder why you don't care to see them! Well, all the best with everything Lynda > > > > > > I am going through a death in my family and have had to temporarily break NC. I have no desire to speak to certain members of my family that are my nada's " Flying Monkeys " and choose to surround myself around the positive family and friends (basically those that my nada isolated me from my entire life). My nada has been incessantly calling me. Sometimes, I choose to answer(only if there are funeral arrangements that I need) but other times I choose to ignore. > > > > > > After nearly 3 months of NC, my nada is leaving messages saying " Why aren't you there for us? " " We are all alone. " " I can't believe you haven't come over to see how we are doing. " Ummm....does my nada get it? After a HUGE rage my nada went into around Easter (and some nasty, horrible, vile things that she said to me), I have stopped all contact with her since. And NOW she is asking me to " Be there for her!? " Are you kidding me? > > > > > > I was wondering if any of you that are NC have ever had your nada just give up or " get it " that you want to stay away? Does she ever quit? > > > > > > AJ > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 They really don't ever quit and while they're at it, they have a tricky way of twisting things to make us feel like we're the ones who are wrong. I remember when I was little, my mother would say things to me like, " You make me hate you sometimes! " Or " You make me wish I never had you! " The words " you make " just made me internalize things and feel guilty and like it was all my fault. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2010 Report Share Posted July 3, 2010 Haha. My mother never said that to me, but she did tell her brother she didn't want him at her funeral. That's so funny...not haha funny...but ironic funny. This disorder makes them so much alike it's creepy. Re: Does Nada ever quit?! Wow, I can see why that was it for you. Thanks for answering my question. I appreciate it. I guess I have been N.C in that case as I have not really contacted her (other than a letter) since she had her recent outburst. Interestingly my mother said that very same thing to me in her angry torrent of text messages- that she didn't want me around when she dies. Then they wonder why you don't care to see them! Well, all the best with everything Lynda > > > > > > I am going through a death in my family and have had to temporarily break NC. I have no desire to speak to certain members of my family that are my nada's " Flying Monkeys " and choose to surround myself around the positive family and friends (basically those that my nada isolated me from my entire life). My nada has been incessantly calling me. Sometimes, I choose to answer(only if there are funeral arrangements that I need) but other times I choose to ignore. > > > > > > After nearly 3 months of NC, my nada is leaving messages saying " Why aren't you there for us? " " We are all alone. " " I can't believe you haven't come over to see how we are doing. " Ummm....does my nada get it? After a HUGE rage my nada went into around Easter (and some nasty, horrible, vile things that she said to me), I have stopped all contact with her since. And NOW she is asking me to " Be there for her!? " Are you kidding me? > > > > > > I was wondering if any of you that are NC have ever had your nada just give up or " get it " that you want to stay away? Does she ever quit? > > > > > > AJ > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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