What do nadas feel? Do they love?

[Guest guest]

I've read the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and 'Surviving a Borderline

Parent.' They both tend to talk about how depressed and miserably unhappy BPDs

are and how we should empathize with them because their fear of abandonment is

so severe. So I've tried to better understand and love my nada knowing her pain

is deeper than anything I could ever imagine. I try to imagine constantly

feeling self-loathing and intense loneliness like the book suggests she feels.

But when I read all of your posts, it seems that these BPs don't care about

anything but having their needs met. So I wanted your opinion on a voicemail

that she left me a month ago. I want to get your impression of whether she

actually gives a d%$# about anyone besides herself. This is why it's been so

hard for me to deal with her. I keep coming back to her because of her FOG.

But is that simply a tool for manipulation? I guess I wonder whether she ever

really loved me at all. All of your posts seem to describe more than someone

with BPD. It seems like they're NPD! But I certainly don't know, just

wondering.

This email was left on my cellphone 2 days after we had a 2 hour visit with her,

complete with a trip to dinner (our treat) and the bookstore, where we bought

her a book since she had no money. We were traveling through and it was late

and needed to get to my in-laws early enough that we could see them before they

went to bed.

" it's mom. I hope you can hear me …….(this is a cell phone

voicemail-which I've told her many times. No, I can't hear her) I'm not going

to be …here anymore. You said this is not an option. Well, this is the only

option, . I can't go on like this. You know… so, you were in such a

hurry to get out of here Thursday. I don't know what a hold Debbie Emo (MIL)

has on you. You were in such a hurry to get down there. Sigh…What is it? You

didn't even tell me she was going to have a garage sale. There are so many

things that I could use, so many things I need… Like being part of a family

instead of being shoved in a closet for months and months like I just exist.

This place looks the same as it did last year. Nothing's been done. It's

like…It's like you're just keeping me here until I…until I do die. Until

something happens to me. I know you don't like to talk to me when I'm like

this. You only reward good behavior. Well I'm not an animal. I'm not

Pavlov's dog which rewards good behavior. I'm human. I'm not one of your dogs.

I'm human and I'm hurting. I'm so sad. I'm so sad. Because you don't want me.

You're just performing a duty to ease your conscience, like taking me out to eat

and you were in such a hurry to get out of here that night. Uh, what was it

that you had to do that you were in such a hurry? You were here for just 2

hours exactly and then you called her on your phone to tell her when you were

coming and saying " we've got to get there. Did she call? " When she says

jump,and you say " How high? " I won't take being left alone here on the

holidays. Things have to change. Or, uh,you're gonna be… you'll have one less

relative to buy a Christmas present for. I mean it. And I can do it. And I

can't do this though. This is the only option. Bye. "

I haven't talked to her since this phone call. It's been over a month. I

reported her to her social worker so they would keep an eye on her... She's

made no serious attempts but was hospitalized for 5 days after this message for

psychiatric reasons.

Thanks for any thoughts,

Jen