Re: Part crisis/part turning over a new leaf

[Guest guest]

Oh, Lordy. Are you SURE you've turned over every stone? Even though she says

she's moving in, it's not a done deal yet. Is there a hospice home aide service

where she lives, or a residential hospice where YOU live? Moving your family to

a new place, having her move in, then when the inevitable happens, having to

move again - this sounds like a whole lot of financial burden, if nothing else.

Plus you have a fairly new baby - it's too much to handle without help.

Just because she says she " has no choice " doesn't mean it's true. Nadas make

statements like that so we think WE have no choice - but there are almost always

other ways to deal with crises like this.

Can you call the Cancer Society in her town (American Cancer Soc., if you're in

the U.S.), or talk with the social worker at the hospital where her doctor has

privileges? That might start you on the path to alternatives. If she has

insurance or is covered by government health insurance, it may cover a lot more

than you know.

I lost my Dad to a long-term cancer while I lived several hours away - spent

about a year traveling back and forth, while trying to hold jobs. That was a

hard year, but it was just grief for his pain and loss, and the hassle of travel

(and lost income). Then, later, my mother (the BPD) moved in with us when my

son was a newborn - and that was much worse. It got to the point that I was

working late on purpose to avoid going home to Nada, even though I really wanted

and needed to spend time with my son. Then she became ill (breast cancer) and

intimated that it was my fault (because I caused HER stress). It was a

horrible, horrible year, and the worst part is that I'll never get that time

back with my son. I would NEVER recommend combining in-home care for a BPD

parent with trying to care for your first child - the new role of mother is

enough to take on. Caring for your mother long-distance (or even in the same

town, but not in your house) will allow you to concentrate on creating a safe,

healthy home for your new family.

No matter what path you choose, I know this is going to be very hard on you. It

WILL end, you WILL get your life back - and in the mean time, you can reach out

to any and all sources for assistance, both for you and your mother. -

>

> OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

>

> Bottom line- she's moving in.

>

> I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by herself.

That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has to go to,

unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house, which is

super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with doing that

at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how much time

she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I should have

done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

>

> Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no " choice "

she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing. I told

her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make arrangements

until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big deal in my

opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as bad as my

mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for a month

or less.

> I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Mozzarella - I just sent you a post about not letting Nada move in with you.

Then I saw this post - it's great news that she's " taking care of herself " - I

feel so much better! (I'm kidding - but really, do you feel like you're a little

bit off the hook now?)

Listen - it's a lot easier to figure out how to pay off your student loans than

it is to put up with that abuse. Debt can be paid. Craziness lingers. -

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah! Shirley has a good point. I used to volunteer at a part-time Hospice Center

(non-profit)in college.

My job was to go twice a week to a hospice patient's home and provide care

(helping with dishes, shopping, and I would go for a walk with the Hospice

patient). She was still mobile even though terminal.

I forgot the name. It's in California and I volunteered there 4 years ago. But

this may be a GREAT option...and it was free to the Hospice patient. Many of the

volunteers were in college and were studying gerontology, nursing, or social

services.

Good Luck! Hopefully, your paintbrush will serve you well in painting in many

'shades of gray' in terms of options!

-Joy

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm glad you told me that about your son- I have been really worried about my

daughter in the sense that nada is so draining I have been less emotionally

available for my baby and husband. Sometimes I feel like I am kind of just going

through the motions. I have been evaluated for postpartum depression and I do

not have it. In the 3 short days I was NC with nada before this huge blow-up I

have had more fun with my baby than I have in the past 5 months. Now I feel like

I am really having a shift in energy towards her and I feel bad that I kind of

" missed out " a little. I mean I have been present but not 100% like my daughter

deserves. Bringing nada and all her negativity into my home is not something I

want to expose my baby to. I know I have great resources such as hospice and

should use them. It's just my guilt holding me back. When I was 10 my mom made

me solemnly promise I would never put in her any kind of home no matter what. I

don't feel like I have to keep my promise because that is a ridiculous thing to

make a child promise, it's just the backlash of it all from everyone that I am

dreading. But I need to be strong for my baby. And my husband, who has been

amazing throughout this nightmare. I am very lucky in that sense.

Right now I am just lying low and waiting for nada to contact me. I have her

living trust so I know she'll eventually contact me to get it back. Then I plan

on driving to her house, giving it to her and getting my belongings that I left

there. Maybe saying goodbye for good. Not sure yet. My husband says that we'll

drive down and stay for the weekend if it's OK, but if it's bad we'll just turn

around and leave or get a hotel for the night.

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mozzarella,

I am sorry if you felt like you needed to defend yourself - that was not my

intent at all. Unfortunately, I only got to post the preface to what I really

wanted to say before I had to run off.

The reason I even mentioned the money from which I walked away was to give a

framework within which I was operating (in other words, I wanted you to know

that I was speaking from experience and not hypothetically).

So, the main point I wanted to stress was that you may benefit from separating

the various facets/elements of your relationship with your mother and making

decisions regarding each separate aspect before coming to a combined conclusion.

Here is how I would approach this (and by no means is the the right, the only,

or even the best way... just an opinion):

1. Money

How do you feel about the inheritance? What are your expectations? What are the

different viable options/outcomes you see? What are the pros and cons of each of

these outcomes? How do you FEEL about each possible outcome? How does this

affect your overall relationship with your mother?

2. Mother's Health

What are the facts on the ground? What are some short-term and longer-term

options? What are the pros and cons of each of these options? How do these

different options/scenarios affect other areas of your life? How does/will this

affect your overall relationship with your mother?

3. Mother's Death

What are the emotional implications for you? What are potential

issues/memories/interactions/etc. that may give you a sense of

relief/guilt/sadness/anger/etc.? What do you need to do/prepare to cope with

this eventuality and to deal with the potential aftermath (as listed in the

previous question)? How does this affect your relationship with your mother?

One more quick note, if I had to pick the one sanity-saving tool that I have

learned (and not a minute too soon) in dealing with my mother's condition it

would to pick my battles!!!! For example, if my mother wanted to make a hair

scarf for me, since it is not something that has a significant impact on my

children/life/reality/sanity, I would likely thank her, accept it and send it on

a permanent vacation in the box of bizarre and generally worthless items I keep

in the basement and sort/discard every 5 years or so.

>

> I think I am being too sensitive here, but I feel kind of like I have to

defend myself. I don't feel like I am OWED any money, it's just when she paraded

it in front of me and I thought about the financial freedom it would give me and

my family it gave me a great sense of relief for the future. I want desperately

to work part time to be home with my baby more and I thought this would allow me

to do that. But I really do feel like sanity and integrity is much more

important and that money does not equal happiness. This whole bpd thing is still

very raw to me. I'm just hurt by the action, that's all.

> I second the bravo to all of you that had the self-love to walk away. I don't

think I can walk away right now fully because she is so close to dying.

Regardless of the money, which I will never bring up, I don't want to live with

the guilt that I cut her off right before she died. I know I would be within my

rights, but I am not ready for that yet. I'm thinking LC.

>

[Guest guest]

The way you laid this out for me is awesome- thank you so much. I am going to

print this out and really go through each question, figure out how I feel. This

really helps me tremendously.

I wish I had learned to pick my battles earlier- it had gotten to the point

where everything she says sets me off. I've just recently been able to start

controlling myself and not playing into her games. But I'm still not that great

at it- I think I play in about 50% of the time. I always realize it a tad too

late.

> >

> > I think I am being too sensitive here, but I feel kind of like I have to

defend myself. I don't feel like I am OWED any money, it's just when she paraded

it in front of me and I thought about the financial freedom it would give me and

my family it gave me a great sense of relief for the future. I want desperately

to work part time to be home with my baby more and I thought this would allow me

to do that. But I really do feel like sanity and integrity is much more

important and that money does not equal happiness. This whole bpd thing is still

very raw to me. I'm just hurt by the action, that's all.

> > I second the bravo to all of you that had the self-love to walk away. I

don't think I can walk away right now fully because she is so close to dying.

Regardless of the money, which I will never bring up, I don't want to live with

the guilt that I cut her off right before she died. I know I would be within my

rights, but I am not ready for that yet. I'm thinking LC.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozzarella - I'm relieved to hear (see?) you say that - OF COURSE you feel

drained. Having a five month old infant is a full-time assignment, whether or

not you have another job. Doing the phone work and paperwork to help an

elderly, ailing relative is another job, even if the parent is pleasant and

sane. Being caught between the legitimate, yet incessant, demands of an infant

and your mother's continuing neediness and abuse - you're exhausted physically,

mentally, and emotionally. I spent the better part of a year feeling like I was

" going through the motions. " When my mom decided she'd had enough of us

(putting a roof over her head, paying her bills, cooking her meals, running her

errands), I was never so glad to see the back end of a U-haul in my life! She

went back to her hometown, and we've had an uneasy detente ever since.

Your mom has had a lifetime to figure out how she's going to handle her old age

and illness - if swearing a 10-year-old to an oath not to accept professional

care was her plan, then she needed another plan!

The sooner you establish some kind of plan for your mom to get physical care

without you being there 24/7, the sooner you can re-establish some balance in

your life. Even if she continues to paint you as the villain, you may still

want to find out what the options are for residential or in-home care in her

town. That way, when she changes her mind again, you'll have the phone numbers

and information you need so you're not backed into a corner.

Take care of yourself - and have some fun with that baby and your husband! It's

a wonderful antidote to Nada-worry. -

> > >

> > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > >

> > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > >

> > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > >

> > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Great advice- I will start collecting information now. Thanks so much, . I

hate for anyone to have gone through what we have, but it's nice to know we are

not alone, and that our feelings are normal.

> > > >

> > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > >

> > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > >

> > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > >

> > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Mozz,

Hospice will provide assitance and help coordinate care for your mom if she has

a terminal illness. If you have a life expectancy of 6 months they will work

with you. Even though she has beaten the odds and has lived past that, there is

still help available from them. You are an adult, and your mother cannot just

" move in " with you because she says so. That's preposterous.

I hate to say it, but it seem like she is trying to trump the baby for

attention. How sad is that.

Hang in there, Mozz!

Jaye

> > >

> > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > >

> > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > >

> > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > >

> > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mozz,

I've just read through all the posts on this topic and here's my 2 cents worth.

You said yourself your nada is a chronic liar. You say she's lived longer than

most with this type of cancer. My first question is: Have you spoken to the

doctor yourself? Does she even have cancer or is that just a ploy for attention

to compete with your baby? Do not take her word for it. If she comes back again

wanting to move in with you...I highly recommend you, she and her doctor have a

frank discussion about her condition.

I'm also an only child. My parents are quite well off financially too. Nada told

me a couple years ago when they rewrote their wills, that I'd remain in it so

long as I BEHAVED myself. For 12 weeks this spring/summer, my relationship with

them was strained and nearly non-existent as they were pissed off at me for

setting boundaries and changing the dynamics of our relationship. Don't know if

I've been removed from the will or not, but I do know this...I've resigned

myself to the fact that I may never see more than 1 penny upon their death...so

I can't live my life with the expectation of inheriting their money.

I also see my cousin who inherited a huge sum of money about 15 years ago.

Having inherited that amount of money has changed her from a free spirited, fun

loving, former hippie type....into a materialistic, self-centered, intolerant,

judgmental snob. If that's what inheriting my parent's money would do to

me...I'd rather not have it!

A few years ago I felt that I could not put my parents in a nursing home when

the time comes, and decided then that they could come live with me. Since

identifying nada's personality disorders, there's no way in hell I'll have her

under my roof. I'd hire someone to come in and take care of her in her own home

if necessary, but she's not living with me...disrupting my home life and

marriage. Not going to happen. She can threaten all she wants.

K2

>

> OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

>

> Bottom line- she's moving in.

>

> I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by herself.

That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has to go to,

unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house, which is

super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with doing that

at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how much time

she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I should have

done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

>

> Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no " choice "

she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing. I told

her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make arrangements

until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big deal in my

opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as bad as my

mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for a month

or less.

> I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi K2,

Listen to how paranoid I am- my name is , and when I saw your email name I

was frozen in fear that nada found me on this site. I know that is highly

unlikely but I still had a minor heart attack. Nada can be so conniving I

wouldn't put it past her. Anyway, I have talked with my nada's doctors and she

does have cancer and the type she says she has. I also work in the medical field

so when she is bs'ing about something health wise I usually know. Thanks so much

for the advice though.

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Not to worry...I am NOT your mother!

2

> > >

> > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > >

> > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > >

> > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > >

> > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know, I just had to laugh at myself!

> > > >

> > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > >

> > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > >

> > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > >

> > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>