Re: Part crisis/part turning over a new leaf

[Guest guest]

About 30 seconds after I posted this my nada called and told me she is cutting

me out of her will. That she deserves better and she has always taken care of

me, but now she's " taking care of herself " . I am " cold " , etc. etc. I didn't say

anything except OK, and when she was done talking I said goodbye. Nada knows I

need money really bad for student loan debt and debt from having to do IVF to

have a baby. I am her only kid- I don't know who's she going to give the money

to. This is her final F*** You to me.

>

> OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

>

> Bottom line- she's moving in.

>

> I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by herself.

That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has to go to,

unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house, which is

super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with doing that

at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how much time

she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I should have

done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

>

> Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no " choice "

she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing. I told

her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make arrangements

until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big deal in my

opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as bad as my

mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for a month

or less.

> I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, my nada likes to use money as a bribe or as a weapon. My nada made a

horribly insulting statement to my Sister (and to me, even though I wasn't

present) to the effect of " You kids only come around to see me when you want

some of my money. " ... and that was such a slap in the face to Sister in

particular, who has given our nada so much of her vacation time and her own

private time freely, for no compensation at all other than nada's company. That

that was the final straw for me. I wanted to take nada's weapon away from her,

so I asked to have my name removed from all nada's legal papers, will, etc. I

disinherited myself. This isn't a heroic gesture on my part as we are not

talking about a huge wad of money and it will probably evaporate when nada

eventually needs home-care or nursing home care, but nevertheless I have a low

to moderate income and could use extra money.

But the interest on nada-money is too high.

Nada seems to believe that a gift of money gives her the right to demand

services in return while looking down on me, and denigrating me. Money from my

nada is not a gift, its a purchase. Like she's buying a hooker. Creepy.

-Annie

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

OK, so is she or is she not moving in ?? and how could you possibly let her

move in??

Jackie

About 30 seconds after I posted this my nada called and told me she is

cutting me out of her will. That she deserves better and she has always

taken care of me, but now she's " taking care of herself " . I am " cold " , etc.

etc. I didn't say anything except OK, and when she was done talking I said

goodbye. Nada knows I need money really bad for student loan debt and debt

from having to do IVF to have a baby. I am her only kid- I don't know who's

she going to give the money to. This is her final F*** You to me.

>

> OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

> traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her

> cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

> lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she

> could take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your

> attitude and will to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude

> and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty

> last night and then today she reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she

> really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting me to move in

> with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let alone

> not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

> Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

> she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

> decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

> consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I

> have to work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We

> live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She

> offered to pay the rent difference, but then after she dies we will be

> stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She knows all

> this.

>

> Bottom line- she's moving in.

>

> I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

> herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone

> she has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come

> to the house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience

> would be ok with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that

> step yet. I don't know how much time she has left and I don't want her to

> die and me have regrets that I should have done more. I feel like I have

> to try this. So that's the crisis.

>

> Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

> " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

> sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll

> have to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny

> apt. Not a big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of

> August (she is just as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only

> needs to make arrangements for a month or less.

> I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

> house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

> Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away.

> Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

> yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

> doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning

> over of the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to

> catch myself and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making

> me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She

> really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

Wow! So after you just agreed to upend your living situation and have her move

in with you where you currently and told her you loved her *that wasn't

enough?!* I guess if it's not completely on her terms it's unacceptable to her,

wow. Well, I guess you are off the hook now? What are you planning?

J

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jesus Criminy!!!! What a nasty!!!! You are sooo off the hook. I can

completely understand how you might have some guilt feelings and might feel as

though you should try to mend this and take care of your nada, but you so

totally dont have to. You offered to do ALOT for her...to up-root your whole

life for her...and this is what you get back? What a *@$#%%^%!!!!!

I can understand needing the money, but it really isnt worth it. My BPD Fada

likes to try to hold inheritance over us. Im not even sure he even actually has

all the money he says he does, cause when he needs to pull the pity card he's

suddenly destitute and on the verge of losing everything, soooo who can say for

sure which reality is actually true. I mean...are you sure your nada even has

enough money to leave you to make it worth it (as though one can put a price on

sanity) to have her come live with you? Also...IF she has enough money to make

it worth it for you to put up with her then she probably has enough money to pay

for a nurse to come tend to her needs.

I hope you stay strong and hold her to her words...for the sake of your own

sanity. I hope you can find it in your being to mentally walk away from any

money you might get from her so that she can no longer hold that over you.

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know- I think she was telling me she's not. I have a phone appt. with my

T tonight. I am not sure where to go from here. Probably LC.

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

> > traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her

> > cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

> > lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she

> > could take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your

> > attitude and will to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude

> > and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty

> > last night and then today she reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she

> > really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting me to move in

> > with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let alone

> > not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

> > Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

> > she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

> > decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

> > consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I

> > have to work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We

> > live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She

> > offered to pay the rent difference, but then after she dies we will be

> > stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She knows all

> > this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

> > herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone

> > she has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come

> > to the house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience

> > would be ok with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that

> > step yet. I don't know how much time she has left and I don't want her to

> > die and me have regrets that I should have done more. I feel like I have

> > to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

> > " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

> > sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll

> > have to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny

> > apt. Not a big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of

> > August (she is just as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only

> > needs to make arrangements for a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

> > house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

> > Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away.

> > Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

> > yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

> > doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning

> > over of the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to

> > catch myself and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making

> > me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She

> > really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am definitely upset about the money (who in this economy wouldn't be, and I

know she has enough for me to pay off my student loan debt and put a down

payment on a house) but more than that it's the sheer nastiness of all of it. I

know she did it to lash out and hurt me. I always thought that as crazy as nada

is, she loved me unconditionally deep down. Yeah RIGHT. I realize now it's very

conditional. Not that money is love but that's something she could do for me to

help me get out under a huge weight on my shoulders. Plus I never did anything

because of money, I tried to help because she is my mother. It hurts because my

dad ditched us when I was 6 months old , and he never wanted to be a part of my

life. Now I feel like both my parents ditched me. I am a big girl now so I'm not

saying poor me, but it still really hurts you know? I don't know where to go

from here, but I definitely agree that money is is not worth my soul or sanity,

and I am not going to try to convince her to give it back. I'm actually proud of

myself that I didn't react the way she wanted me to when she told me. But after

we hung up I lost it. It felt like a punch in the stomach. What's worse is that

the person I'm pretty sure she will give it to is a raging gambler so that's

like throwing it away.

> > >

> > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > >

> > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > >

> > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > >

> > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Let me preface what I am about to write with the following: 14 years ago I

walked away (took myself off) from a $2.5 million (yes, you read that correctly)

trust fund. I also signed quit claim deeds to transfer an additional $1.6

million in real estate that was in my name back to my mother. This does not

include my mother's estate that I would inherit in the event of her passing (I

am an only child). Furthermore, she told me she was taking me out of her will

and I told her she should do as she pleased. In order to give you a more

complete picture, I have no other wealth and I am married to a guy who earns a

high 5-figure annual income. I have $60,000 in educational debt (from grad

school, I worked throughout undergrad, received some grants/scholarships and

didn't yet have kids, so I didn't have to borrow). I am starting medical school

in a month and my annual tuition and fees are a little more than $40,000, which

does not include books/equipment/insurance/living expenses (my husband has to

quit his job because we are moving (I did not get into a medical school within

driving distance of where we live now) - so I am staring at an incredible debt

burden.

My mother still tries to use money as a negotiation tool in our relationship

(you'd think that she would understand that you can't bribe someone who

voluntarily walked away from 4 million bucks more than a decade ago).

Now, after this long preface... I can tell you that while money can solve a lot

of problems and can help you achieve happiness more easily, it will NOT make you

happy (you have to have happiness within you to begin with).

As far as your mother's condition - you must search within yourself for the

unbiased truth (forget the money, forget the inconveniences)... what do YOU need

to do for your current and long-term happiness?

Sorry, my kids just walked in and I have to go tend to them... but I will come

back to continue this discussion.

Arianna

> > > >

> > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > >

> > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > >

> > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > >

> > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sure this hurts a lot right now, and understandably so, but

try to not take her treatment of you personally. She's most

likely not capable of that kind of love and never has been. BPs

do that to pretty much everyone who should be able to expect

love from them - children, spouses, parents, close friends, etc.

If you'd agreed to everything she wanted, it probably still

wouldn't have been good enough because nothing is ever good

enough. I find it much easier to deal with my nada's misbehavior

as long as I can remember that it really has nothing to do with

me as a person. Any person filling the " daughter " slot in her

life would get treated pretty much the same way.

At 09:18 PM 07/09/2009 mozzarella27 wrote:

>I am definitely upset about the money (who in this economy

>wouldn't be, and I know she has enough for me to pay off my

>student loan debt and put a down payment on a house) but more

>than that it's the sheer nastiness of all of it. I know she did

>it to lash out and hurt me. I always thought that as crazy as

>nada is, she loved me unconditionally deep down. Yeah RIGHT. I

>realize now it's very conditional. Not that money is love but

>that's something she could do for me to help me get out under a

>huge weight on my shoulders. Plus I never did anything because

>of money, I tried to help because she is my mother. It hurts

>because my dad ditched us when I was 6 months old , and he

>never wanted to be a part of my life. Now I feel like both my

>parents ditched me. I am a big girl now so I'm not saying poor

>me, but it still really hurts you know? I don't know where to

>go from here, but I definitely agree that money is is not worth

>my soul or sanity, and I am not going to try to convince her to

>give it back. I'm actually proud of myself that I didn't react

>the way she wanted me to when she told me. But after we hung up

>I lost it. It felt like a punch in the stomach. What's worse is

>that the person I'm pretty sure she will give it to is a raging

>gambler so that's like throwing it away.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Bravo to you! You must have a lot of self pride to walk away from it all.

I too was told I was written out of the will. So what? I do not want nada's

money now or when she dies. Money isn't everything.

I have a lot of pride that I worked for everything I have ever gotten. I worked

3 jobs and bought my own place when I was 22. I no longer work and DH and I

never made a lot of money, but we bought what we could afford and have a lot

pride in the life we have built for our family.

I don't think nadas owe us anything. I also don't think we should take blood

money. Actually, nada used to whine and cry that she wanted xyz and I'll tell

her to get it and she would say " oh no, I want to leave you a nice inheritance "

I used to tell her that was her money and she should buy whatever she wanted.

She used to try to make me feel guilty way back then holding it over my head.

I don't want a penny from nada. Nothing is worth the abuse. They do not owe us

anything (although maybe throw money because they have such guilt over their

actions?) and I am glad I cut the strings--all the strings. I don't need her

money to make me happy.

Arianna--this is a great story of breaking free from it all.

> > > > >

> > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > > >

> > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > >

> > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > > >

> > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry for this purposefully hurtful turn of events. I think you believe your

nada was trying to get a certain response or rise out of you, and I'm proud of

you for keeping your cool and not entering into the drama as she set you up to

do. Whether this is for manipulation or really what she feels, it's just

hurtful. You had every right to have yourself a meltdown after you got off the

phone. I think Arianna's post was very powerful and I know that in your heart

you know that truth; it's still so painful though.

As far as whether or not nada moves in with you, I think you are within every

right to refuse her 'request' to do so. Even if she calls back tomorrow and

recants all that she said today, it does not change the fact that she cannot

live with you.

It would not be beyond normal (not bpd) reasoning to say, " Mom, with all that's

transpired, it's pretty obvious that you need to find someone you can fully

trust to be your caregiver. I'm not confident that if you were here you'd feel

safe for any length of time, and it's important that you feel safe. I will

respect what you have told me you want. I'm sure you can find another solution

that will make you comfortable and ensure that you are taking the best possible

care of yourself. " That's not pointing a finger of blame at her, though she

will likely see anything you say as that. But it is holding your boundaries.

And it is not bringing up the issue of inheritance at all. Truth is, nothing you

say is likely to change her mind about that. She may change her own mind back on

forth based on her own whims, but entering into that conversation with her would

be pointless and painful. She is obviously willing to use it to manipulate you.

I hope you get some good rest tonight and a time of peace and rest for yourself.

You deserve it.

Take good care,

[Guest guest]

" I always thought that as crazy as nada

is, she loved me unconditionally deep down. Yeah RIGHT. "

I totally get what you are saying. That is the hardest thing to come to terms

with. My own parent attaches strings to their love. Its a toxic feeling and it

spills over into all kinds of interactions you have in life. It is sheer

nastiness and Im sorry that you are feeling this way right now.

I mean...I dont know how to express just how " been there done that " I've felt

over the years with my nada/fada without writing a dissertation or something

here, but I totally get where you are coming from. It is a sad sad punch to the

gut wind knocked out of you day when you realize that your own mother/father

would sell you to the gypsies if it suited their purpose.

And Im sure you've done what you've done with the purest intentions of

kindness/obligation/wanting your nada to be happy and comfortable. Im sorry if

what I wrote came across otherwise.

> > > >

> > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > >

> > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > >

> > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > >

> > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I did a similar thing years ago with my fada. I have no idea what I actually

walked away from...and I really dont care. Especially seeing what allowing that

dangling of money in front of my brother has done to him. It absolutely KILLS

my fada that he cant hold sway over me with that. The last time I attempted

having a relationship with him I slighted him in some way. Not exactly sure how

he turned it around in his head to demonize me, but he called me a few days

after the event and told me that I had " just made the biggest mistake of your

entire life " and I actually laughed (I mean...really...BIGGEST?). Anyway...I

replied " writing me out of the will again then? Knock yourself out. " He hung

up on me and save for a drunken phone call to me on my birthday a year and a

half later (that went to vm) I havent heard from him.

That is just not normal.

> > > > >

> > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > > >

> > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > >

> > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > > >

> > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Arianna,

I totally agree with you and am not going to try to get the money back or even

bring it up. I'm just bummed out. But you put things in a great perspective.

Even if I am in serious debt the rest of my life, I have a roof over my head, a

loving supportive husband and a beautiful baby. And some day a nada-free life.

> > > > >

> > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > > >

> > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > >

> > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > > >

> > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think I am being too sensitive here, but I feel kind of like I have to defend

myself. I don't feel like I am OWED any money, it's just when she paraded it in

front of me and I thought about the financial freedom it would give me and my

family it gave me a great sense of relief for the future. I want desperately to

work part time to be home with my baby more and I thought this would allow me to

do that. But I really do feel like sanity and integrity is much more important

and that money does not equal happiness. This whole bpd thing is still very raw

to me. I'm just hurt by the action, that's all.

I second the bravo to all of you that had the self-love to walk away. I don't

think I can walk away right now fully because she is so close to dying.

Regardless of the money, which I will never bring up, I don't want to live with

the guilt that I cut her off right before she died. I know I would be within my

rights, but I am not ready for that yet. I'm thinking LC.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with

narcissistic traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have

her cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could

take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will

to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet

she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she

reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going

battle about her wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons

why I actually can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times

she can live with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls

me and says she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean

I only decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to

work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2

bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the

rent difference, but then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent

and will have to move again. She knows all this.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live

by herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she

has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the

house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok

with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't

know how much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets

that I should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the

crisis.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including

renting her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says

thank you. Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours

away. Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of

the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself

and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw

her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I

don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much.

>

> I'm sorry for this purposefully hurtful turn of events. I think you believe

your nada was trying to get a certain response or rise out of you, and I'm proud

of you for keeping your cool and not entering into the drama as she set you up

to do. Whether this is for manipulation or really what she feels, it's just

hurtful. You had every right to have yourself a meltdown after you got off the

phone. I think Arianna's post was very powerful and I know that in your heart

you know that truth; it's still so painful though.

>

> As far as whether or not nada moves in with you, I think you are within every

right to refuse her 'request' to do so. Even if she calls back tomorrow and

recants all that she said today, it does not change the fact that she cannot

live with you.

>

> It would not be beyond normal (not bpd) reasoning to say, " Mom, with all

that's transpired, it's pretty obvious that you need to find someone you can

fully trust to be your caregiver. I'm not confident that if you were here you'd

feel safe for any length of time, and it's important that you feel safe. I will

respect what you have told me you want. I'm sure you can find another solution

that will make you comfortable and ensure that you are taking the best possible

care of yourself. " That's not pointing a finger of blame at her, though she

will likely see anything you say as that. But it is holding your boundaries.

>

> And it is not bringing up the issue of inheritance at all. Truth is, nothing

you say is likely to change her mind about that. She may change her own mind

back on forth based on her own whims, but entering into that conversation with

her would be pointless and painful. She is obviously willing to use it to

manipulate you.

>

> I hope you get some good rest tonight and a time of peace and rest for

yourself. You deserve it.

>

> Take good care,

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mozzarella,

This must be indeed stressful for you. I am glad you are turning over a new

leaf; however. It means you are making great progress healing.

It's too bad there aren't affordable situations for your Nada. You could always

try calling around to find out. Maybe certain types of insurance will pay for

it?

If you absolutely have to live with her, I say get a lock for your bedroom door.

I'm serious about that. Not sure about your Nada, but my Nada did not respect my

privacy. I say get a lock even if you must invest. I think it will give you a

world of peace. Also, I suggest telling your Nada that you take sleeping pills

to get a good night's rest (even if not true). That way, she won't bug you

between certain hours because you will be 'knocked out'(even if you are awake).

Of course, if its an emergency that's different.

Would she try making you her social director/entertainer? That's what my Nada

has tried to do; and has gotten jealous otherwise if I see my own friends. I say

treat it like a business deal or contract as much as you can & enforce, enforce,

enforce. Keep your social life. If your Nada has enough strength to walk to a

corner shop or cafe, or to ask friends/relatives to stop by and visit her, or

even occasionally take a bus or cab--I say let her be in charge of her social

life!

You need to keep your social life.

-Joy

>

> OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

>

> Bottom line- she's moving in.

>

> I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by herself.

That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has to go to,

unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house, which is

super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with doing that

at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how much time

she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I should have

done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

>

> Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no " choice "

she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing. I told

her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make arrangements

until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big deal in my

opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as bad as my

mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for a month

or less.

> I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

>

[Guest guest]

I dont think you are being too sensitive and I completely understand the feeling

that you need to defend yourself...though in this group I dont believe that is

necessary.

As to what action you take in this situation...

If simply going LC and being there for your mom to the end is what will give you

peace of mind then I think that would qualify as something you NEED...and

therefore you should do whatever you feel is right for you.

We all walk our own paths...they just sorta interconnect

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with

narcissistic traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have

her cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could

take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will

to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet

she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she

reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going

battle about her wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons

why I actually can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times

she can live with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls

me and says she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean

I only decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to

work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2

bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the

rent difference, but then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent

and will have to move again. She knows all this.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live

by herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she

has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the

house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok

with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't

know how much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets

that I should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the

crisis.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has

no " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have

to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a

big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just

as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements

for a month or less.

> > > > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including

renting her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says

thank you. Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours

away. Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of

the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself

and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw

her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I

don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Good advice, thank you. Nada has read my diary in the past and I am careful

never to leave email open, etc. The lock on the door is a smart idea.

Just talked to my T and I am going to do NC for a little while. If she calls me

I will answer in case of emergency, but I am not going to make any effort at

this point.

> >

> > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic traits

and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die quickly

within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this over a

year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for the worse

at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant so much-

but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues on. Anyway,

I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of what a

self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her wanting

me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually can't (let

alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live with me.

Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says she's

going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only decided it

was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it would be a

real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5 month old

baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so would have

to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but then after

she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move again. She

knows all this.

> >

> > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> >

> > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> >

> > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I guess I am just used to people not being on my " side " . I am so glad I

found this because it's just too bizarre for people with normal parents to fully

grasp.

For example- nada wanted to braid her hair into a scarf for me. I'm sorry but to

me that is disgusting. And she was really upset that I didn't want the scarf.

Does anyone else out there have experiences with nada doing weird crap like

that? She also lied about her 1st name to me until junior high when I found out

her real name by accident. I mean it's just crazy.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with

narcissistic traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have

her cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could

take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will

to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet

she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she

reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going

battle about her wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons

why I actually can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times

she can live with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls

me and says she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean

I only decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to

work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2

bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the

rent difference, but then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent

and will have to move again. She knows all this.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't

live by herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone

she has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the

house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok

with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't

know how much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets

that I should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the

crisis.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she

has no " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have

to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a

big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just

as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements

for a month or less.

> > > > > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including

renting her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says

thank you. Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours

away. Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of

the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself

and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw

her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I

don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This sounds tough...I feel like with BPD, when they are physically ill too, it

justifies them being even more needy. Just an idea, but my mom has been very

physically ill, and her health insurance has been covering in home services

(finally - after 8 months). The services have been amazing, not just in helping

her physically, but to give her a lot of the one on one attention that I cannot

afford to give her right now. I don't know if your mom has health insurance or

not, but if she really does move in with you, it may be worth looking into home

care services that might be covered, especially for your sanity.

[Guest guest]

Sure; I would make sure it's the kind with a key. A bit more expensive (approx.

$70), since you would also need to change & install a new door knob. Lowes or

Home Depot have these. I had 2 people from Home Depot come and help me move once

(yes, they are the ones that stand out front). Surprisingly, most are on a small

list that is regulated by Home Depot. Most people don't know this. They could

help you install it for not too much. I think the people who helped me move were

$12/hour each because it was extremely heavy manual labor. However, they were

very fast & definitely worth it.

> > >

> > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > >

> > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > >

> > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > >

> > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting her

house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you. Acts

like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then the

grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

These Nadas and Fadas all seem to use money as part of their manipulation and

leverage. I understand why it is upsetting, a normal parent would want to take

some of the financial pressure off of their children if they can afford to.

For BPD, their love, if we can even call it that is very conditional. Loosing

your father so young, makes your situation even harder. Your father likely left

because of her, because of her abuse...and mind games.

You will make it, and pay off your loans in time. Unfortunately, even if she

gave you the money, it would never really be yours. Speaking from experience,

owing a bank is a lot less heart ache than owning your Nada. She would hold it

over your head, always make you feel obligated, and likely ask for it back at

the worst possible time.

Take care...

> > > >

> > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with narcissistic

traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have her cancer die

quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and lived with this

over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could take a turn for

the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will to live meant

so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet she continues

on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she reminded me of

what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going battle about her

wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons why I actually

can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times she can live

with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls me and says

she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean I only

decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional consequences, it

would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to work, I have a 5

month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment so

would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the rent difference, but

then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent and will have to move

again. She knows all this.

> > > >

> > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > >

> > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't live by

herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone she has

to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the house,

which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok with

doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't know how

much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets that I

should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the crisis.

> > > >

> > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she has no

" choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one sacrificing.

I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have to make

arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a big

deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just as

bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements for

a month or less.

> > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including renting

her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says thank you.

Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours away. Then

the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says yeah like yeah

whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her doesn't she love me,

what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of the new leaf. A small

step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself and not buy into her

crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw her. She's moving in

because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I don't like her, I barely

even love her anymore.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can totally relate to this; one of my nada's hallmark behaviors is to put me

or Sister in the " damned if you do, damned if you don't " situation. That is

indeed crazy-making, and more so for small children than for adult KOs. For

children, its actually a form of torture to know that you'll be punished no

matter what you say or do.

-Annie

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with

narcissistic traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have

her cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could

take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will

to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet

she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she

reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going

battle about her wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons

why I actually can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times

she can live with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls

me and says she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean

I only decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to

work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2

bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the

rent difference, but then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent

and will have to move again. She knows all this.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really

can't live by herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not

anyone she has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come

to the house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would

be ok with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I

don't know how much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have

regrets that I should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's

the crisis.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me

she has no " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have

to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a

big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just

as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements

for a month or less.

> > > > > > > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything

including renting her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once

says thank you. Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4

hours away. Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She

says yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of

the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself

and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw

her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I

don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A) Yes...that's like super disgusting.

Lies? Are you Joe King? My Fada told me that he got a masters in history

from a local junior college (I was young and did not know at the time that

junior colleges dont confer masters degrees). Anyway...he told me that his

thesis was on the McCarthy hearings and those bastards on his committee kept

making him go through re-write after re-write and he couldnt understand why it

was so important until he discovered that they were using his thesis as a

textbook for a hisory class at the college. AND THOSE BASTARDS DIDNT EVEN GIVE

HIM CREDIT. It wasnt until I was in Graduate school myself and went to look up

his thesis because I thought it would be interesting to read it. Surprise

surprise...I couldnt find it. When I asked him what the title of the thesis was

so that I could find it he said he'd never told me that and that he actually has

a BS in History (from a local 4 year college) and a masters in industrial arts.

I couldnt find that one either.

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> > > > > > > > > OK so I posted my situation about my nada being bpd with

narcissistic traits and that she has bile duct cancer. Most people that have

her cancer die quickly within months, my nada of course has beat the odds and

lived with this over a year, and then end is no where in sight. But she could

take a turn for the worse at any moment. I always thought your attitude and will

to live meant so much- but she has the worst attitude and no will to live yet

she continues on. Anyway, I was feeling so guilty last night and then today she

reminded me of what a self-serving B**** she really is. It's been an on-going

battle about her wanting me to move in with her and there are a million reasons

why I actually can't (let alone not wanting to). I have told her a million times

she can live with me. Well JUST when I decided that's a horrible idea she calls

me and says she's going to. Do they have some sort of twisted 6th sense? I mean

I only decided it was a horrible idea yesterday! Beside the emotional

consequences, it would be a real hardship for her to be here because I have to

work, I have a 5 month old baby and she needs a lot of care. We live in a 2

bedroom apartment so would have to move to rent a house. She offered to pay the

rent difference, but then after she dies we will be stuck with the higher rent

and will have to move again. She knows all this.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Bottom line- she's moving in.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I KNOW this is a BAD idea. Here's the thing- she really can't

live by herself. That's fact. I am an only child and there really is not anyone

she has to go to, unless we put her in a facility or hire someone to come to the

house, which is super expensive. Last, I don't think my conscience would be ok

with doing that at this point. I'm just not ready for that step yet. I don't

know how much time she has left and I don't want her to die and me have regrets

that I should have done more. I feel like I have to try this. So that's the

crisis.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Here's our conversation today in a nutshell- she tells me she

has no " choice " she " has to " move in with me- puts it like SHE is the one

sacrificing. I told her that our lease isn't up until September, so we'll have

to make arrangements until then because she can't move into this tiny apt. Not a

big deal in my opinion b/c my Aunt is there until the end of August (she is just

as bad as my mom if not worse) so my mom really only needs to make arrangements

for a month or less.

> > > > > > > > > I spell it out for her that I will handle everything including

renting her house out, finding a new place to live etc. She never once says

thank you. Acts like I am horrible because I won't move to her house, 4 hours

away. Then the grand finale: we're hanging up and I say I love you. She says

yeah like yeah whatever. The old me would have bought into it, asking her

doesn't she love me, what's wrong etc. I say OK bye. That's the turning over of

the new leaf. A small step but I am finally starting to be able to catch myself

and not buy into her crap and give her the thrill of making me feel bad. Screw

her. She's moving in because I feel obligated. She really is dying slowly. I

don't like her, I barely even love her anymore.

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