Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 When Rick's grandmother died, we told that " Grandma 's " body just wore out and that her spirit, character, and everything about her was not going to be inside her body anymore. We told to remember things about Grandma that made her smile. Just because it is a young person that dies, it doesn't mean a similar thing can't be expressed about them if it is disease related. And then go on to your individual faith-related aspects - heaven, reincarnation, whatever. One thing that really seemed to help was a very interesting and new trend in the casket (at that time). Inside the lid of the casket was a little drawer that was probably 6 inches wide, 2 inches deep and 8 inches long. It was to put little mementos or notes in. Once saw one person placing a note inside the drawer, we explained what it was for. She then wrote some very interesting little notes and nearly stuffed the drawer full. Some she did independently (love g'ma), and some she asked us how to spell certain words. We realized then that really knew much more about what was going on than we thought. (Not to offend anyone, but the next is religious based.) One was " Grandma , Jesus, meet " . We had no idea at that time that she really was understanding much of our religious belief, but that certainly set us right! When we held the actual funeral, we had an interpreter for and she never took her eyes from the interpreter to ask for clarification (like she does a lot when it is an abstract concept and I am around). She did obsess about talking about " Grandma dead " for about a week. I just tried to remind her to think about what Grandma did that made her smile. Guess what I'm trying to say is that -as hard as it is to see a friend or family member die - somehow our kids figure it out. It has to be better to try to teach them now - even knowing they may be confused and hurt - as opposed to allowing ignorance be their guiding factor. I have known so many people who were kept from fully knowing that a friend or family member had died, only to find out later and become resentful. As hard as it is to deal with sharing that (for whatever reason), think how much harder to later try to undo what could be seen as deceit from a person who was trusted. My dad had to deal with Kenny when he was 3 and was in the hospital (and getting worse by the hour). Ken told Dad that " my is dying " . How does a grandparent answer that one? If Dad told Kenny that wasn't dying and she actually did, Kenny would never trust him again. Dad just told him that, yes, was very sick but she was in a place where doctors could hopefully make her better. Realism with a lot of optimism goes a long way. I know you will follow her lead and give the information, encouragement, direction, and optimism that she needs. Friends in CHARGE, Marilyn Ogan Mom of (13 yrs., CHARGE+ JRA) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 Amen, you said it so well. Somehow our kids do figure out death, but they need our help, cuddling, explanations --- and that we ever underestimate them! Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 Marilyn- You said exactly what I have been thinking. Our little friend took a turn for the worse today. They removed a feeding tube and began morphine. But then I heard he improved enough tonight that mom and dad felt comfortable enough to go home for a night's rest. It may be some time... but I feel that something will happen sooner rather than later. At this point, I think we all just want he and his family to find peace and resolution. Anyway, as I've been picturing this in my head, I had thought that I'd put it that way with Aubrie -- that his spirit is still alive and in heaven but that his body was done. This gets into those personal spiritual beliefs, but I want her to understand that we are not defined by our physical body. That our spirit is what makes us " us " and that that lives on forever. That is how I reconciled things for myself when she was born with so many problems. I felt that the true " her " was unchanged regardless of the package she came in -- just as would still be " him " if he had a disabling accident that left him without communcation or whatever. I sure wish everyone got that we are who we are regardless of what our bodies can and cannot do. How's that for a soapbox? Please don't be offended if you don't agree with my views. I'm just thinking out loud to work things out for myself but I realize that others may have different ways of working things out in their own minds. What I'm not sure about is if I should plan to take her to a visitation or not. I am thinking I'll let her make that decision when the time comes. I will explain the process to her and let her decide if she'd like to see the family and see his body one more time or if she'd rather send a card or gift and not attend. I think she can understand enough to let me know what she's comfortable with. I also feel that I have to tell her that he's not just sick but that he is going to die. I'll wait til after school so we'll have the evening together if there are questions. But I don't want her to go from " oh, maybe he'll be in the hospital all year, no big deal " to finding out that he's died. I certainly need her to understand that most hospitalizations result in restored health. Thanks for sharing 's experiences with her Grandma. Michele Westmaas mom to Aubrie 7 yrs CHaRgE and 13 yrs, wife to DJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 Oops. i meant that we Never underestimate them! Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 Somehow I think they understand more than we do. It's our own personal struggles with it that get in their way. Bonnie, mom to a 23, Patty CHARGE 21, and wife to Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2005 Report Share Posted October 20, 2005 very interesting that ken thought kirst would die my brother once rang mum after mum ssis had rung her to tell mum to come back from her holiday coruse he thought was gonna die and mum ahd been aspeaking to liz a few hours befor and the word was i was very sick as you said kirst was but mum needed to make disisons bout treatment that my autny couldnt make > > Marilyn- > You said exactly what I have been thinking. Our little friend took a turn > for the worse today. They removed a feeding tube and began morphine. But > then I heard he improved enough tonight that mom and dad felt comfortable > enough to go home for a night's rest. It may be some time... but I feel that > something will happen sooner rather than later. At this point, I think we > all just want he and his family to find peace and resolution. > > Anyway, as I've been picturing this in my head, I had thought that I'd put > it that way with Aubrie -- that his spirit is still alive and in heaven but > that his body was done. This gets into those personal spiritual beliefs, but > I want her to understand that we are not defined by our physical body. That > our spirit is what makes us " us " and that that lives on forever. That is how > I reconciled things for myself when she was born with so many problems. I > felt that the true " her " was unchanged regardless of the package she came in > -- just as would still be " him " if he had a disabling accident that > left him without communcation or whatever. I sure wish everyone got that we > are who we are regardless of what our bodies can and cannot do. > > How's that for a soapbox? Please don't be offended if you don't agree with > my views. I'm just thinking out loud to work things out for myself but I > realize that others may have different ways of working things out in their > own minds. > > What I'm not sure about is if I should plan to take her to a visitation or > not. I am thinking I'll let her make that decision when the time comes. I > will explain the process to her and let her decide if she'd like to see the > family and see his body one more time or if she'd rather send a card or gift > and not attend. I think she can understand enough to let me know what she's > comfortable with. > > I also feel that I have to tell her that he's not just sick but that he is > going to die. I'll wait til after school so we'll have the evening together > if there are questions. But I don't want her to go from " oh, maybe he'll be > in the hospital all year, no big deal " to finding out that he's died. I > certainly need her to understand that most hospitalizations result in > restored health. > > Thanks for sharing 's experiences with her Grandma. > > > > > > Michele Westmaas > mom to Aubrie 7 yrs CHaRgE and 13 yrs, wife to DJ > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2005 Report Share Posted October 21, 2005 i think ur right they may even know mroe than the doctors or more than they relise hugs ellen > > Somehow I think they understand more than we do. It's our own personal > struggles with it that get in their way. > > > Bonnie, mom to a 23, Patty CHARGE 21, and wife to > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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