Re: relationships

[Guest guest]

andre' - it might not be that you and your wife were no longer " compatible " .

some people cannot cope with an extended illness. my father was ill for many

years and friends and even some family stayed away because " they couldn't

bare to see him like that. " they didn't realize that was when he needed them

the most. it isolates you even further. it was hard on my mother

physically and mentally so i can see both sides. my problems at this point

are not nearly as severe as many of yours are. i have pain pills that i can

take periodically when i need to - but i am just now on medical leave from my

job so that they can find what my problem is (my boss thinks they'll just

'find something').

my husband is being very supportive (so far) but i am sure that part of that

is because he has had some problems in the past and i was there for him. it

seems like we have been together all my life. we started dating when i was

16! he has been coming home very day at lunch to check on me since i got out

of the hospital a week ago.

i didn't mean to rattle on!!! i love hearing from all of you

debbie, the arkie

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/24/2000 2:05:29 PM Eastern Standard Time,

djssekis@... writes:

<< my father was ill for many

years and friends and even some family stayed away because " they couldn't

bare to see him like that. " >>

Debbie,

How quickly you hit it on the head! That is exactly what is going on, I

feel. It's just too much for her at this time. She's had enough. I fully

understand her position. I wish I could just walk away from this illness and

the impact it has over my life but I don't have that luxury. Besides, who

knows. Perhaps I would not have lasted nearly as long as she did if the shoe

were on the other foot. I have no animosity toward her whatsoever. Believe

me, I understand where she is coming from. That doesn't stop the hurt though.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

GOSH andre' if everyone in tthe world were as sensitive and compassionate

toward others as you are we could all GET ALONG!!! Lynn :0)

In a message dated 02/26/2000 9:15:11 AM Central Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< Debbie,

How quickly you hit it on the head! That is exactly what is going on, I

feel. It's just too much for her at this time. She's had enough. I fully

understand her position. I wish I could just walk away from this illness

and

the impact it has over my life but I don't have that luxury. Besides, who

knows. Perhaps I would not have lasted nearly as long as she did if the

shoe

were on the other foot. I have no animosity toward her whatsoever. Believe

me, I understand where she is coming from. That doesn't stop the hurt

though.

Andre' >>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/26/2000 12:22:42 PM Eastern Standard Time,

Gr8mommie@... writes:

<< GOSH andre' if everyone in the world were as sensitive and compassionate

toward others as you are we could all GET ALONG!!! >>

Lynn,

Thanks for the compliment but it is undeserved. I wish I could be more

sensitive and understanding. Perhaps I wouldn't be alone right now.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

Re: No animosity towards her

If the truth be know I may not have walked in your wife's shoes, but it had

crossed my mind many times. Nobody likes to admit to their weakness or

thoughts. When Jim took sick I didn't know where this would lead. Revenue

hit us for $30,000 due to Amway. (sore subject with me) Two weeks later I

got laid off from my job. Jim had no income coming in. He was between jobs.

No unemployment, no nothing. I was forced to claim bankruptcy. They

allowed me to keep my house. After all this, I still didn't know if Jim was

going to live. It's not always the sick one that causes us to want to just

take off and never come back. There are always circumstances surrounding it.

I hit bottom and felt I just couldn't go on. We caregivers don't talk

about what we really feel inside. Anyway, I took out a loan, RRSP's and

re-established my credit. Come April I am free and clear and only after two

years.

Also what people don't know is what's been going on with the caregiver all

their lives. Sometimes you just can't take much more. I have had a

horrendous life. My doctor says I should write a book.

I was one of those that always asked " why me. " I'm not a floor mat anymore

for people. Those days are gone and it feels great. I can say " no " and move

on. No guilt. There must be a purpose in my life. I don't go to church

but someone up there had their reasons to put me through a life of hell. I

am a very compassionate person and like all people. I find the good in

everyone no matter what they've done.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just so the caregivers know they are

not alone. So what if you think bad thoughts. It is normal. Being a

caregiver is a lonely life and I guess Jim and I have to change things. I

don't think his illness created all these problems they were probably there

before he took sick. Lately I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to sit

and talk with him about how I feel, but I will. If there is one thing I do

well it is deal with the issues that bug me the most. I'm like a filing

cabinet. When the drawers get full it is time to clean them out. I think I

am just about there. Spring cleaning is just around the corner isn't it.

Well, maybe I will start a little earlier this year. Ha!

Isn't this what this " onelist " is all about.? A place to help others not

feel alone. I'm good at that. Andre hang in there. Things just take time.

No matter what you two will always love and respect one another. Give her

the time she needs.

Bye for now.

B.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/27/00 9:38:20 AM Central Standard Time,

Northskies1@... writes:

<< Just so the caregivers know they are not alone. So what if you think bad

thoughts. It is normal. Being a caregiver is a lonely life. I don't think

his illness created all these problems they were probably there before he

took sick. Lately I'm exhausted and don't have the energy to sit and talk

with him about how I feel, but I will. Spring cleaning is just around the

corner isn't it. Well, maybe I will start a little earlier this year. Ha! >>

Hi ,

I really appreciated what you shared from a caregiver's perspective. As a

patient it was insightful. In some way or another we all have a primary

caregiver, even you Andre'. :-) I have mentioned before that full healing

includes our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well being. The

strength of our primary relationships plays an important role in achieving

this. This strength comes from open, honest communication. You have shared

that well.

Karyn

(PS: Remember to do the survey)

<A HREF= " http://hometown.aol.com/karynwms/myhomepage/business.html " >Pancreatit

is Support Network</A>

[Guest guest]

Hello Karyn

You know that after I wrote my last note, I was kind of embarrassed. I have

a tendency to be more personal than most and reveal the true side. I'm

never embarrassed by what I have experienced in my life. That's what life is

about. I have always been that way. Talking about things is therapy for me.

Some people keep it all in and I'm the opposite. I'm glad you responded to

my note. I feel much better.

Grimm and Mom said it well. " Look on the obstacles of life as

part of life. " How true! I used to say maybe when I'm 65 and in my

rocker things will be better. I laugh when someone tells me they have lived

in one house for 25 years. By the time I was 13 years old, I had already

lived in 23 houses. Figure that out!

Anyway, she's right. I am experiencing life and only I can make each day

count.

Bye for now

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/27/2000 10:38:31 AM Eastern Standard Time,

Northskies1@... writes:

<< Give her

the time she needs. >>

and everyone else who has been giving me words of encouragement over

the past couple of weeks;

Great news! My wife is back! Things aren't great between us yet and we

still have many issues to work through, but we are under one roof again. I

think this shows the commitment we both share in keeping this union together.

We will work this out, whatever it takes on my part.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/00 11:19:12 AM Central Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< Things aren't great between us yet and we still have many issues to work

through, I think this shows the commitment we both share in keeping this

union together. >>

Hi Andre',

I am so happy for both of you. I have been thinking

that it may be helpful for her to participate in this group. There are so

many caregivers who have joined. No one could understand what she is going

through than someone else who is walking down the same path as she is.

Maybe some of the caregivers may want to at least send her a post to offer

her support and let her know she is not alone.

I hope this doesn't seem to presumptuous on my part. My heart weeps knowing

the internal conflict you both must be going through at this time.

Karyn

<A HREF= " http://hometown.aol.com/karynwms/myhomepage/business.html " >Pancreatit

is Support Network</A>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/2000 1:17:19 PM Eastern Standard Time,

KarynWms@... writes:

<< I hope this doesn't seem to presumptuous on my part. My heart weeps

knowing

the internal conflict you both must be going through at this time. >>

Karyn,

How kind of you to offer the groups' services to my wife. While I do think

this would be helpful for her to be able to share her experiences with

someone who understands, I know she isn't ready for that sort of intimacy

yet. She partly blames the group for my renewed " obsession " with my illness.

Perhaps over time I can convince her that this would be helpful for both of

us. Meanwhile, I must reestablish trust from her that I will not let this

illness cause me to lose my job. That will take all my efforts at the

present time. This, along with other valid issues she has with me and our

marriage, are the meat of the " issues " we must work through immediately if

this marriage has a chance of surviving. And I will do whatever is necessary

to hold on to her. If I learned one thing over the past couple of weeks,

I've learned that I can't face this illness alone. I've lost practically

everyone in my life and I seriously doubt I could last long if I would really

lose my wife for good. I may sound stupid, but this marriage is that

important to me.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/00 12:52:56 PM Central Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< I've lost practically everyone in my life and I seriously doubt I could

last long if I would really lose my wife for good. I may sound stupid, but

this marriage is that

important to me. >>

Andre',

That is far from " stupid. " I think it symbolizes the true meaning of

marriage. You two have been together many years, shared the flesh of your

souls. The commitment of marriage should be taken seriously and every effort

should be taken to maintain that special relationship that the two of you

obviously have.

Listening to the posts that the care givers have shared, I have gained a

glimpse into their world, the difficulties and challenges they must bear, as

well as the relentless dedication that they have to the person they love and

care for. The journey that this disease takes both of us down is certainly an

adversity, which as God tells us, will makes us stronger.

Again, thank you for such a positive post. It is important to share this

strength and hope.

Karyn

<A HREF= " http://hometown.aol.com/karynwms/myhomepage/business.html " >Pancreatit

is Support Network</A>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/00 9:19:19 AM Pacific Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< Great news! My wife is back! >>

GREAT

LAURA

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/00 10:53:03 AM Pacific Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< She partly blames the group for my renewed " obsession " with my illness. >>

Andre,

I'm am a caregiver...if your wife needs to talk she can email me directly. I

also have an " obsession " but I find it helpful learning more. Good Luck

[Guest guest]

Hey way to go! You were right be patient and kind love is a fragile thing,

but I don't need to tell you this you already know that. Best wishes to

you. I know it is hard with this illness to do anything away from home and

alot of times we just don't feel like going the extra mile sometimes, but

sometimes I try to think back to the beginning when my husband and I first

met, how thrilled we were just to be in each others presence,and how little

things meant so much, some times it is not the big ticket items or the size,

but a little encouragement to let the other know that you truely care about

them as a person. It is nice to receive a little note on my pillow or even

just a herseys kiss to let them know they still matter. Outside our door is a

whole world full of people trying to get thru the day and people rushing to

and fro but the most important things are on the inside of my door my husband

and daughter and I try everyday to let them know I love them more than

anything, who knows there may not be a tomorrow all we may have is today so

lets all remember to tell that special someone how precious they are to us

today and every day. We all struggle to get thru just another day for another

day of pain and agony, but it is not just our pain and agony it is theirs

too, and despite all of it they love us too. I will get off this now, you

all are important, god has truly graced me to find each and everyone of you,

peace to all tonightI pray let god give us all peace tonight.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/00 11:19:17 AM Central Standard Time,

acastenell@... writes:

<< Great news! My wife is back! >>

That is so fantastic! Good things come to those who wait. I will be praying

for both of you that God will give you grace/encouragement/love.

debbie

[Guest guest]

Hi to All

Just a quick note. Yesterday, I was a little upset. I have an Alaskan

Malamute. He is huge. I didn't know this at the time when my friend was

looking for a home. He is called a Woolly. He doesn't not have " normal "

fur, but instead is a big fluffy bear. Good for hugging. Anyway, yesterday

the dog came in just before I was going to work and tracked in cedar needles

all over the place. They were stuck to his fur.

I guess I got a little upset and said to Jim " it wouldn't hurt you to vacuum

once in a while! " That was the first time I blurted something like this

out. I do everything in the house. Sometimes it would be nice to get a

little help.

Jim replied " I can't help it if I have pain all the time " . I turned around

and said " I have pain too, but it's emotional. " I don't think Jim realises

how hard it is for me at times. It's moments like this I feel like giving

up, but I don't.

Would it be asking too much for him to do a little something?

I need to ask. I understand the pain, nausea and everything else he goes

through, but couldn't he help me out just a little bit or am I asking too

much of him?

Today, I am a frustrated caregiver. I probably need a little holiday. Ha!

[Guest guest]

Karyn:

I just read this story and I couldn't believe it. I just want to know if

anyone has ever gone to this site.

http://hotyellow98.com/garyfry/

There is a story by Sue Rebello. I always thought if you had your pancreas

removed you would not live. I even told Jim this. Her story moved me. Does

this mean there is hope for Jim if needed in the future? Her symptoms were

so similar.

Thanks

[Guest guest]

Normal Normal Normal Feelings.

No real answers but know, you too, are not alone.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/2000 6:09:17 PM Eastern Standard Time,

KYMBAZMOM@... writes:

<< ...if your wife needs to talk she can email me directly. >>

,

Thanks so much for the offer of help to us. I will try to persuade her to do

just that. Wish me luck.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/2000 8:09:03 PM Eastern Standard Time,

djssekis@... writes:

<< I will be praying

for both of you that God will give you grace/encouragement/love. >>

Debbie,

Thanks so much for your kind words. While it continues to be a struggle, it

is one that is well worth the effort.

Andre'

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 2/29/2000 11:49:38 PM Eastern Standard Time,

dcp6364@... writes:

<< This group is your

support and thank GOD you had us the last 2 weeks. >>

Marie,

You are so right. I have never been so down in my entire life (not that I'm

much better now).

Thank you ever so much for your words of kindness. I agree, joining this

group when I did was the best thing that could have possibly happened since I

am now finally coming to grips with what I have and the lasting impact of

this illness. Sometimes I wonder why I even recovered from my surgeries (on

two separate occasions they nearly lost me-the most recent occurrence was my

latest surgery in January 1997). It would have been much better for both my

wife and myself if they would have just let me go. I would have been free

from this constant misery and my wife would be free (and guilt-free) to

resume her life in a more normal setting. I don't know about you guys, but

sometimes I feel like my life is an episode of " ER. "

Andre'

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 3/1/2000 7:53:15 AM Eastern Standard Time,

Northskies1@... writes:

<< I understand the pain, nausea and everything else he goes

through, but couldn't he help me out just a little bit or am I asking too

much of him? >>

Whenever I attempt to do any sort of physical labor (including pushing a

vacuum cleaner around the house) it will bring on more pain and nausea. I

have been told by my doctor to avoid all physical activity short of walking.

While I do try to do my part whenever I feel up to it, it would be unfair of

you, I think, to expect much in the line of help around the house. Again, I

can't speak to your and your husband's specific situation but I do know how

frustrated you and your husband must be. This is how the schism began

between my wife and I. It is little misunderstandings on the part of both

parties that widens the gulf between the two. Try to hang in there and

continue working things through.

Andre'