You all seem so much stronger than me!

August 26, 2009

In reading the posts, I always feel that you are all so much stronger than I am.

Am I one of the only ones that wake up in the morning wishing I didn`t have to

go on.

I read the few messages this morning, and when I hear what some of you are going

through, I wonder if my head is on straight. I`m afraid to call my doctor again,

because I feel like I am a nuisance to him. Although he has never said that. But

how long can they put up with calls saying the same thing.

I hurt and I don`t feel like doing it anymore. I can`t afford to keep paying for

stronger medications, but yet maybe I should, and just let other things go. I

don`t know what to do. I`m sure it`s mostly Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD) that

is getting me, but I`m becoming a total nothing in my book.

My daughter is caring for my horses since I can`t. Not having them here kills me

every day, and I can`t trust my husband to give them the special care senior

horses need. They will die if I have them here and she does such a wonderful

job. They look just great.

Yesterday I put an ad on craigslist to sell my umbrella cockatoo Ceasear. I have

several people interested, but I`m not sure now that I could take another loss

in my life. He`s been hear 13 years, and he has never told me he is unhappy. I

just have a hard time keeping up with him. I have a hard time with his noise

sometimes. He kisses me goodnight every night, so he can`t hate me. I feel like

if I give up on him to, I have lost more of my life.

They send me to an orthopedic doctor last week. His visit consisted of your

knees are fine, your hips are pretty good, I don`t do backs. I'll set up an mri

and refere you someplace cold handshake and out the door. not once did the idiot

make eye contact with me. If I could stop my insurance from paying that

noncaring idiot I would.

Well I guess I had better try and face the world. It`s getting late and life

must go on. I`ve been up since 4 wishing this was all over. Somehow, or anyway.

I`ve went on long enough. I need to know where some of you get your strength.

God and I are even having a hard time connecting lately as I don`t understand.

Thanks for being hear to listen. May you all have the strength to carry on. Try

to smile a few times today.

R.

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