Re: Introduction

October 2, 2003

I am so sorry to have to welcome you or anyone else to the group. But am happy, because if you found us, that means you are ready to fight and in here, we are all winning this fight.

The patients with best quality and length of survival are those that learn as much as they can about the disease and stick to their treatment plan.

You will have ups and downs while in SLOW and STEADY deterioration. Learn to study your body so you can tell what new symptoms are, when they happen and how they happen

Go to your doctor always carrying:

1 - a list of the meds you are currently taking

2- questions about everything you hear and don't understand well

3 - ready to hear better news than you expected

Never leave his office with out:

1 - a script for blood tests (and others, if appropriate)

2 - your follow-up appointment (with the understanding that if anything goes wrong in between, he or she is only a call away)

And pick that one reliable and loving person that should be sticking with you through thick and thin and make sure he or she understands what this is all about, even meets the doctors and is designated as your health proxy legally, not that it happens, but just in case, keep this person well informed as to meds, visits, developments, etc...

I will keep you, too, in my prayers, and do make it a habit to drop in if only to check the postings because I never turn this site off without learning something that is or will be valuable.

Qualify the answers, we are not all experts. We are people trying to survive or help our loved ones survive and, in that sense, all of us speak from the heart, some without understanding or knowledge. So don't rush off to do everything you read.

Rule of Thumb from Dr Kaplan's mouth: "try anything that isn't invasive or might go against the meds"

I guess trying to stay as active as you can for as long as you can would be the best advice. If you are not yet exercising, get yourself started on a steady, daily, not too strenuous exercise plan. The stronger you go into that life-saving transplant at the end of the tunnel, the better your chances of surviving a long time.

And start making plans to attend every anniversay, wedding invitation, christening and reunion in the next 20 years, girl, because it is a long road ahead of you. Try to live, live, live, not just exist waiting for the end that might or might not come any time soon.

Best of luck!***

Lily in Boston - Lily , OLT (041702), PSC (0886), UC (0375), gastric bypass (0694), both hips (2000) & knees (1994) replaced, stenosis, laminectomy (0668), spinal fussion (1069), diabetic, fibromyalgia, TMJ, arthritic, 58, mother of 2, grandmother of 6, retired teacher, disabled, alive and well by The Grace Of God in Beantown on the banks of the Mighty Chucky

June 28, 2009

Hi Arianna,

Welcome.

I've been nc with my bpd mom for nearly all of my adult life, so I don't have a

lot of direct experience with her from anything other than childhood. My sis is

also bpd and I've had other relationships with bpds before I realized what was

going on.

Do you ever feel that your BPD-affected parent is jealous of your relationships

with other people (especially close relationships) ?

It's not uncommon for a bpd to not want you to have ANY other relationships.

(If you had other options, you might not want them to stay in your life.)

- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) compare you to other people's

children and find you lacking? Does s(he) think that you do not love and respect

her, or give her her " due " the way other people's children do?

I grew up being told I treated her " like a dog. " Aside from the fact that I'm

fond of animals and treat dogs rather well (which was clearly not what she was

going for), this was for things that normal kids do, like not doing my chores

when I was supposed to. There wasn't a comparison to others. I was just evil.

It was clear thatn, in her mind, if she felt like a victim, it must be because I

was treating her badly. It couldn't be that it was just a feeling. There is a

very strong belief in many bpds that other people cause them to have feelings

and thoughts. They believe they have no control over their own internal

experiences, but that other people do.

- Does your BPD-affected parent often (constantly) tell you and get angry at how

she has suffered and invested her/his life into you and you are an ingrate who

does nothing for her/him?

Oh, yes...I believe the phrase " work my fingers to the bone " was used regularly

and in all seriousness. I learned NEVER to accept anything from her that I

didn't really, absolutely need from her because it would have a price tag I

would only find out about later. All favors were always called in.

- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they have suffered

more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone, they are treated worse than

everyone else, etc.?

Refer back to " treated like a dog. " (Above)

- Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is not working " for

her/him (this being their relationship with you), how you are going to give them

a stroke/heartattack/ (pick a disease) because you do not love/care about them

and you make them so angry?

Sounds like npd grandma. Someone in the dysfunctional FOO did this. Not sure

it was my mom though. This goes back to the question of responsibility and

control. They do not see themselves as responsible or in control of managing

themselves or their own well-being, but other people are. You put anger in

their heads, you give them the physical symptoms associated with dysregulated

feelings. They have no control over the thoughts that escalate their

dysregulated emotions--these are like a train that has no brakes and cannot be

stopped. Therefore, if they have uncomfortable physical symptoms associated

with their own thoughts and feelings, you are also responsible for them--they

are not. It's convenient and relievest them of all need to do anything to

change their unpleasant experiences, but I think it is also a very sincerely

held (if incorrect) belief.

- Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on reality after you

listen to them ranting for a while?

I would if I listened. I realized nada (not a mom) made no sense by the time I

was about 10. I didn't pay attention to what she said very much after that. I

just watched to see what she would do. In my teen years, I really tried to get

her to think things through and speak rationally though. It drove us both crazy

for me to try. It was hard to accept that she simply could not be rational at

times (many times).

- Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because at times my

mother does say some things that are true and even reasonable (if you can ignore

the yelling) when she is raging and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not

so off, maybe you are the one who is going crazy?

Bpds do have moments of clarity. They are sometimes very insightful and

intuitive about other people and, at times, even about themselves. What they

are usually mistaken about is the idea that everything is about them. So they

may be right about how you feel and why you do certain things, but they are

wrong in thinking it's always about them. Sometimes it's not. I wouldn't let

this cause you to doubt yourself. Also, they sometimes reveal things they

really shouldn't if they understood the implications. Having insight into their

own behavior also tends to be temporary. When they can't tolerate the idea of

their weaknesses any longer, they forget they ever said this. Change takes work

and requires accepting responsibility--they tend not to want to do either of

these things.

I don't know if that helps, but you aren't alone in this. Your questions point

to similar experiences I think that many of us have had.

Best,

Ashana

ICC World Twenty20 England & #39;09 exclusively on YAHOO! CRICKET

http://cricket.yahoo.com

June 28, 2009

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ashana!!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how helpful it is to read your responses - it is

VALIDATION, at long last. I had no siblings, and nobody lived with us (father,

grandparents) when, so I have nobody to bear witness to my life. My mother knows

this (at least intuitively) and uses this against me (I think without

specifically intending to). Only in the last 3-4 years have I begun realizing

just how low my self-esteem is and just how little trust I have in myself. I

could never trust anyone or anything around me, and I did not realize how much I

doubt myself - every day, about big things and little things.

Arianna

June 28, 2009

Hi Arianna,

I replied to your reply of my blog then I saw this...and oh boy can I relate! I

love your questions and am more than happy to take some time are write

back...cause that is what we do here...take time for each other...

First I wanted to say that me being the " good girl " was the answer for my nada

for many years...or so I thought...what brought me to this website was the shear

torture she put me through recently when she told me I " treated her like shit " ,

" only thought of myself " , " have left her in the dust " , " have humiliated her many

times " ...I was dumbfounded...after all the blood, sweat, and tears of being a

" good girl " and it was all for nothing...all that energy and you know how much

energy it takes to be a " good girl " was for nothing! Gosh, all those years of

bending over backwards, making everything about her...even beyond my husband or

daughter...ugh! Thus, it took that for me to take off my rose colored glasses

and see her for who she is...my BPD parent.

Anyways, I wanted to answer some of your questions from my

perspective/life/story...

1) - Do you ever feel that your BPD-affected parent is jealous of your

relationships with other people (especially close relationships)?

I don't feel it, I know it...since I got married she has been a mess, totally

jealous of me being married, totally jealous of my relationship with my

daughter, totally jealous of my career! I know this because in these area's she

tries to ruin it for me...inlcuding my wedding, saying that I am not a good role

model at work, and speaking badly about me as a mother or of my daughter.

2) - Does your BPD-affected parent get angry when you are on good terms with

other people?

My nada will say she " is happy " but then speak badly about them and/or tell me I

am " missing " how they treat me badly.

3) - Does s(he) think that you do not love and respect

her, or give her her " due " the way other people's children do?

My nada doesn't compare me to other's children but was just screaming, and I

mean screaming at me that " I treat her badly " , " I left her in the dust "

(referring to me getting married), that " I keep secrets from her " which

disrepects her (because I don't tell her everything my 23yo daughter tells me or

what we do together or speak about.

4) - Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they have suffered

more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone, they are treated worse than

everyone else, etc.?

My nada has so many " respect rules " that only apply to her...for example if she

send you something in the mail you are to call her and thank her, if you don't

then you are " rude " and " awful " ...yet she NEVER calls or tells you she has

recieved anything from you. Or you are " to be on time, down to the minute " yet

she is late everywhere and keeps the whole family waiting at dinners for example

and then shows up like an hour late and says " oh well, I was late " , yet my

husband was 10 minutes late picking her up from the airport cause he got lost at

the airport (and had to round again through the whole airport) and when he found

her he told her he was sorry and explained that he got lost. She didn't speak to

him the entire day and had a very angry look on her face the entire day to the

point that later people asked me " what is wrong with your Mom " AND THEN she

ranted for 3 weeks about his " disrespect for her " and " how angry she was "

because he was 10 minutes late....that was my wedding day.

5) - Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is not working " for

her/him (this being their relationship with you), how you are going to give them

a stroke/heartattack/(pick a disease) because you do not love/care about them

and you make them so angry?

My nada will go on and on looking for me to say what " I will do better " next

time...this is after a rage at me. If I don't the conversation and rage never

ends, it is the ONLY way it ends.

6) - Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on reality after you

listen to them ranting for a while?

Yes, I will start the conversation telling myself that she is BPD and don't

absorb it, then I notice after the conversation is over it IMMEDIATELY starts

twisting in my head and I start thinking she was right in her craziness and I

was wrong...thus I can't talk to her right now.

7) - Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because at times my

mother does say some things that are true and even reasonable (if you can ignore

the yelling) when she is raging and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not

so off, maybe you are the one who is going crazy?

My nada is VERY intelligent, and she does have a lot to offer. The thing I am

learing is most of the time the " helpful " advice she gives me usually has a

shameful theme to it for me. Like telling me how to give my dog something for

her itchy ears...then implying I have let it go to long...thus I am a bad dog

owner. But yes, she does have moments that she is nice and is helpful. But the

rantings are not worth those small moments for me right now. That is just where

I am.

Hope by answering your questions you feel less alone, less like " it is only with

your nada " ....and more sane. It is not you, it is her.

le

>

> I am so happy to have found this message board/group. I am the adult (mid-30s)

daughter of a high-functioning mother who suffers from BPD. It is difficult for

me to explain to anyone, including close friends, the relationship I have with

my mother, and I am hoping that in this virtual community I will find some

much-needed support and understanding (and I am more than happy to offer the

same).

>

> --------

> If you don't have the time/energy to go through my whole message, please skip

to the end, because I do have some questions and I hope you can share your

thoughts/perspectives. I appreciate any and all help.

> --------

>

> I did not have a name for what ailed my mother until a few years ago. For

almost 30 years I lived in a world that made little sense and made me alternate

between questioning my own sanity or the sanity of the people closest to me

daily (if not several times a day). The problems I faced with my mother were

compounded by the fact that my father was abusive towards her (and now I wonder

how much of that had to do with the fact that his and her issues collided), and

had a set of psychological/emotional issues himself (including alcohol problems,

attachment/abandonment issues (lost his mother, then father, at a very young

age), depression, etc.). As I grew older and spent more of my time living with

my mother (as opposed to going between my parents - who were divorced since I

was 4), I realized that whatever ailed her could not be fixed by me always being

a " good girl " ... no matter how hard I tried to always be the good girl and never

do anything wrong.

>

> What made identifying her condition even harder was that for a number of years

she also suffered from significant depression. So, for a while I thought it was

just the depression, although not all of her symptoms/behaviors fit under

depression. Finally, after endless years of research, reading, analyzing, I

arrived at BPD as the most likely diagnosis. I contacted a therapist and

psychiatrist and went over my mother's symptoms and my experiences, and they

confirmed that BPD is very likely the root cause. My mother has not sought help

(to my knowledge), although years ago (before I knew it was BPD) I tried to get

her to see a therapist/counselor/psychologist (made several appointments, none

of which she kept), but finally gave up since she would become enraged at the

suggestion every time.

>

> In a couple of months I will be moving even further away from her than I was

for the past few years (which was more than 1000 miles) to pursue my

professional goals, which has gotten her even more derailed than usual. In

addition to the changes in my life, one of my mother's siblings passed away

recently, and she has a very hard time sorting through/dealing with/controlling

her emotions (now I know why - BPD!). So she is really deteriorating and making

my and her life even more difficult than before.

>

> She was in such a rage last night, and I felt very sad for her and for me (at

least knowing that it is BPD has helped me put things in perspective, because 4

years ago I would have totally taken her rage personally and been devastated for

days, if not weeks). I want to help her, but it does not appear there is

anything I can do to fix this. The only way would be to become a complete and

total extension of her, which I cannot do since I have my own children, my own

goals, aspirations and dreams.

>

> Anyways.... before I go on for too long (I am sure I will come back and

vent/share many times again), I have some questions.

>

> - Do you ever feel that your BPD-affected parent is jealous of your

relationships with other people (especially close relationships)?

> - Does your BPD-affected parent get angry when you are on good terms with

other people?

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) compare you to other people's

children and find you lacking? Does s(he) think that you do not love and respect

her, or give her her " due " the way other people's children do?

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (constantly) tell you and get angry at

how she has suffered and invested her/his life into you and you are an ingrate

who does nothing for her/him?

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they have suffered

more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone, they are treated worse than

everyone else, etc.?

> - Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is not working " for

her/him (this being their relationship with you), how you are going to give them

a stroke/heartattack/(pick a disease) because you do not love/care about them

and you make them so angry?

> - Does he/she constantly threaten to break off the relationship but then seeks

your attention often (all the time)?

> - Does he/she give you ultimatums (frequently)?

> - Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on reality after you

listen to them ranting for a while?

> - Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because at times my

mother does say some things that are true and even reasonable (if you can ignore

the yelling) when she is raging and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not

so off, maybe you are the one who is going crazy?

>

> I am infinitely grateful to anyone who can take some time to respond to my

questions based on their experiences. I really need to understand how much of

this is the BPD and hoe much of it is just the challenges of my/her life. I am

also trying to figure out if she has narcissistic traits (because her father

does) and I need to evaluate whether all of her symptoms fall under BPD or some

may be related to another condition.

>

> Thank you,

> Arianna

>

June 28, 2009

Hi Arianna,

You are not alone!

RE your questions: (answering within your text)

> - Do you ever feel that your BPD-affected parent is jealous of your

relationships with other people (especially close relationships)?

Sometimes. I more often get the impression that she is jealous of me.

> - Does your BPD-affected parent get angry when you are on good terms with

other people?

In a way; my nada always wants me to like the people she likes and hate the

people she hates. I was supposed to be just like her.

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) compare you to other people's

children and find you lacking? Does s(he) think that you do not love and respect

her, or give her her " due " the way other people's children do?

Yes, and that always hurts me deeply. She is disappointed because I'm not

married, never had kids, and I'm not rich or famous and therefor not showering

her with reflected glory or grandchildren.

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (constantly) tell you and get angry at

how she has suffered and invested her/his life into you and you are an ingrate

who does nothing for her/him?

Yes. " Ingrate " has always been her favorite thing to call me.

> - Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they have suffered

more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone, they are treated worse than

everyone else, etc.?

Yes. My nada had a lot of tales she shared with us about her childhood; she was

convinced that she was a particularly neglected, mistreated child, the ignored

middle girl. Nada claimed that she and her sisters were afraid of their father

because he battered them. This caused me to fear and stay emotionally distant

from my grandparents when I was little, but as I grew up I gradually realized

that there was a big disconnect between my nada's tales of abuse and the reality

of how my granparents actually behaved. More recently, when talking with my

aunt/nada's sister, she expressed bewilderment at nada's claims that they were

all battered and abused as kids.

My nada's perceptions and beliefs are not shared by her sisters, and are not

confirmed by my own experiences with my grandparents. In fact, I observed on

countless occasions my nada verbally attacking her older sister for no

particular reason and her foo doing nothing about it.

> - Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is not working " for

her/him (this being their relationship with you), how you are going to give them

a stroke/heartattack/(pick a disease) because you do not love/care about them

and you make them so angry?

No, she never says those things; she just flies into a rage instead and screams

at me that I'm hateful, selfish, inconsiderate, etc., etc.

> - Does he/she constantly threaten to break off the relationship but then seeks

your attention often (all the time)?

Well, what she would do is give me the silent treatment sometimes and I would be

clueless as to what I did to cause it. She was never very attention-seeking,

though. She didn't need to be; I had been conditioned into a state of

" Stockholm Syndrome " for the first half of my life. I willingly gave her all

the attention she wanted.

> - Does he/she give you ultimatums (frequently)?

No.

> - Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on reality after you

listen to them ranting for a while?

Sometimes, yes. My nada is very good at portraying the injured victim and

manipulating words to back up her arguement. I think my nada missed her calling

and could have been a very successful criminal lawyer or screen actress.

> - Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because at times my

mother does say some things that are true and even reasonable (if you can ignore

the yelling) when she is raging and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not

so off, maybe you are the one who is going crazy?

I used to. Not any longer, though.

>

> I am infinitely grateful to anyone who can take some time to respond to my

questions based on their experiences. I really need to understand how much of

this is the BPD and hoe much of it is just the challenges of my/her life. I am

also trying to figure out if she has narcissistic traits (because her father

does) and I need to evaluate whether all of her symptoms fall under BPD or some

may be related to another condition.

>

At the site called Counselling Resource, the psychologists there promote the

theory that the four " Cluster B " personality disorders share certain core

traits, making the classifications more like a continuum of severity instead of

distinct, separate disorders.

I tend to buy into this theory because my nada exhibits some narcissistic traits

and some anti-social traits as well as bpd and histrionic traits. I call her

the " walking Cluster B. "

I hope you find the answers to your nada's situation. Here is

the CR site; its got a lot of good articles there about personality disorder

(such as how to safely leave a relationship with a pd individual) and an " ask

the Psychologist " section.

http://counsellingresource.com/

> Thank you,

> Arianna

You're welcome.

-Annie

>

June 28, 2009

At 01:50 AM 06/28/2009 new_special_account wrote:

>Anyways.... before I go on for too long (I am sure I will come

>back and vent/share many times again), I have some questions.

>

>- Do you ever feel that your BPD-affected parent is jealous of

>your relationships with other people (especially close

>relationships)?

Yes. She also seems jealous of the fact that I enjoy my work and

various other parts of my life. She's unhappy, so anything that

makes me happy seems to make her jealous.

>Does your BPD-affected parent get angry when you are on good

>terms with other people?

Yes. If she is angry with someone, I should feel the same way.

If she likes someone, I should too. The same thing applies to

other things as well. However she feels about anything is the

correct way to feel, so of course I should agree with her likes,

dislikes and opinions. If she doesn't have her own opinion on

something, I should share mine with her. I learned not to

introduce her to my friends after she slept with a few of them

and expected me to stop being friends with them when things went

bad between them. (She can't maintain a relationship, so things

always go bad.)

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) compare you to

>other people's children and find you lacking? Does s(he) think

>that you do not love and respect her, or give her her " due " the

>way other people's children do?

She's never particularly mentioned any comparisons, but she has

certainly found both me and my sister lacking. My sister is

twenty years younger than me and thus grew up more like an only

child. She was accused of being disrespectful, disobedient, bad,

mean, lazy, unloving, and probably a few more things that I'm

forgetting. She has never been any of those things.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (constantly) tell you and

>get angry at how she has suffered and invested her/his life

>into you and you are an ingrate who does nothing for her/him?

She has never done that to me, but she tells me, and presumably

other people, all about how she's paying off my ungrateful

sister's student loans. Umm, no, the military did that.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they

>have suffered more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone,

>they are treated worse than everyone else, etc.?

She doesn't say that type of thing, but she does act like she

thinks it.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is

>not working " for her/him (this being their relationship with

>you), how you are going to give them a stroke/heartattack/(pick

>a disease) because you do not love/care about them and you make

>them so angry?

No, but that kind of behavior does seem common amongst BPs.

>- Does he/she constantly threaten to break off the relationship

>but then seeks your attention often (all the time)?

She's never made that threat, probably because she needs me too

much and knows it. She may realize somewhere deep inside that it

wouldn't be much of a threat where I'm concerned. She does seek

my attention more than is reasonable sometimes.

>- Does he/she give you ultimatums (frequently)?

No, but again, I think she realizes that wouldn't work.

>- Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on

>reality after you listen to them ranting for a while?

>- Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because

>at times my mother does say some things that are true and even

>reasonable (if you can ignore the yelling) when she is raging

>and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not so off, maybe

>you are the one who is going crazy?

I refuse to listen to her rant. When she starts to do it, I tell

her I'm not going to get into that with her and if she doesn't

stop I leave or hang up the phone. I've known that she had

pyschiatric problems since I was about 16. (She did bad things

that year, resulting in a stay in a mental hospital and in my

father kicking her out of our house and divorcing her.) It took

me a couple a lot longer than that to put a name to her

problems, but I've never had any doubt that she had them.

--

Katrina

June 28, 2009

wow, Katrina, your sister could be me ( except I'm probably older than you

LOL) your nada treats her much like mine treats me...my nada does always

yell at me how much she's sacrificed for us ( me and my siblings) although

we've never figured out how..or what has she sacrificed ?? nada is also the

#1 martyr of the world, and she lets everyone know it

Jackie

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) compare you to

>other people's children and find you lacking? Does s(he) think

>that you do not love and respect her, or give her her " due " the

>way other people's children do?

She's never particularly mentioned any comparisons, but she has

certainly found both me and my sister lacking. My sister is

twenty years younger than me and thus grew up more like an only

child. She was accused of being disrespectful, disobedient, bad,

mean, lazy, unloving, and probably a few more things that I'm

forgetting. She has never been any of those things.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (constantly) tell you and

>get angry at how she has suffered and invested her/his life

>into you and you are an ingrate who does nothing for her/him?

She has never done that to me, but she tells me, and presumably

other people, all about how she's paying off my ungrateful

sister's student loans. Umm, no, the military did that.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent often (always) think that they

>have suffered more than anyone, they deserve more than anyone,

>they are treated worse than everyone else, etc.?

She doesn't say that type of thing, but she does act like she

thinks it.

>- Does your BPD-affected parent repeatedly tell you " this is

>not working " for her/him (this being their relationship with

>you), how you are going to give them a stroke/heartattack/(pick

>a disease) because you do not love/care about them and you make

>them so angry?

No, but that kind of behavior does seem common amongst BPs.

>- Does he/she constantly threaten to break off the relationship

>but then seeks your attention often (all the time)?

She's never made that threat, probably because she needs me too

much and knows it. She may realize somewhere deep inside that it

wouldn't be much of a threat where I'm concerned. She does seek

my attention more than is reasonable sometimes.

>- Does he/she give you ultimatums (frequently)?

No, but again, I think she realizes that wouldn't work.

>- Do you sometimes feel like you are losing your grip on

>reality after you listen to them ranting for a while?

>- Whenever your parent says something that makes sense (because

>at times my mother does say some things that are true and even

>reasonable (if you can ignore the yelling) when she is raging

>and ranting) do you feel like maybe they are not so off, maybe

>you are the one who is going crazy?

I refuse to listen to her rant. When she starts to do it, I tell

her I'm not going to get into that with her and if she doesn't

stop I leave or hang up the phone. I've known that she had

pyschiatric problems since I was about 16. (She did bad things

that year, resulting in a stay in a mental hospital and in my

father kicking her out of our house and divorcing her.) It took

me a couple a lot longer than that to put a name to her

problems, but I've never had any doubt that she had them.

--

Katrina

June 28, 2009

Dear Annie,

Thank you so much for your answers. What strikes me is that almost all the

answers you have given, even the ones that are " No, but... " resonate with me,

because in addition to what I have listed, I also have experienced many of the

additional things you have listed in your responses.

Thank you for the referral, I will be checking out that site.

Arianna

June 28, 2009

le,

So much of what you have written mirrors some of my experiences, it is almost

frightening!

> First I wanted to say that me being the " good girl " was the answer for my nada

for many years...or so I thought...what brought me to this website was the shear

torture she put me through recently when she told me I " treated her like shit " ,

" only thought of myself " , " have left her in the dust " , " have humiliated her many

times " ...

OMG, the words you have put in quotes have come out of my mother's mouth

COUNTLESS times!

>

> I don't feel it, I know it...since I got married she has been a mess, totally

jealous of me being married, totally jealous of my relationship with my

daughter, totally jealous of my career! I know this because in these area's she

tries to ruin it for me...inlcuding my wedding, saying that I am not a good role

model at work, and speaking badly about me as a mother or of my daughter.

>

Her jealousy about my relationship with my husband is beyond crazy - honestly,

she has stated several times that she would kill him if she knew she could get

away with it!!!!!

>

> My nada doesn't compare me to other's children but was just screaming, and I

mean screaming at me that " I treat her badly " , " I left her in the dust "

(referring to me getting married), that " I keep secrets from her " which

disrepects her (because I don't tell her everything my 23yo daughter tells me or

what we do together or speak about.

>

The part about leaving her " in the dust " is literally out of our conversation

from 2 days ago - how I have abandoned her, how after all her troubles (to raise

me), I have excluded her from my life, how I have purposely thrown her out like

and old shoe, etc. etc.

> My nada has so many " respect rules " that only apply to her...for example if

she send you something in the mail you are to call her and thank her, if you

don't then you are " rude " and " awful " ...yet she NEVER calls or tells you she has