Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Mozzarella, I whole-heartedly agree. has helped me with her posts many a times, I am only sorry I havent given back as much as I would have liked to, to AND this group. Thanks . Thanks for your help on this board also. ---------------------------------- > > > > Hello, friends. > > I originally started this thread a little while ago, and I just want to say thank you to all who have shared their thoughts and struggles. I am amazed and saddened that so many of us have such similar experiences and feelings of inadequacy. I could take some quotes from you all word for word and they would be my own. I am grateful for the validation from your posts, greived that so many know what I meant and just 'get it', and encouraged that we can support one another. I have come away with even more insight and understanding of what really seems to be universal for some of us KOs, and I am so thankful for all of your posts. Continue on, by all means. I just want to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. So many things I am trying to work through and not understanding why I have them to begin with are starting to make more sense. This feels like a crucial step to me. I want to express my deep gratitude, and my ongoing respect for all of you. You are some amazing people!!!! > > > > Sincerely, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 My T said the same thing to me, and even though by the end of our sessions I was actually joking about how I " thought maybe I was BPD at one point " every now and then when Im confronted by someone with clusterB traits (ie. my boss) I do that whole " Is it me? If my brain is failing then how can I trust it? " little dance with myself. Those are the moments that I take a big step back...collect my thoughts...and remember all the lessons I learned in therapy. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > > > > Messages > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to  " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and  " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > > > Recent Activity > > > > > > *  15 > > > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > > > Give Back > > > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > > > Get inspired > > > > > > by a good cause. > > > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > > > Get it Free! > > > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > > > to your groups. > > > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > > > Start a group > > > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > > > Connect with others. > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks! Yeah I kind of like him. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > > > > Messages > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > > > Recent Activity > > > > > > *  15 > > > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > > > Give Back > > > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > > > Get inspired > > > > > > by a good cause. > > > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > > > Get it Free! > > > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > > > to your groups. > > > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > > > Start a group > > > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > > > Connect with others. > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 Dear Flowers... Another " WOW, ME TOO " moment for me... About a year and a half ago my best friend offered to be my message editor, because she was frustrated with the tone of some emails I had forwarded to her or read to her. She simply could not comprehend why I was being so overly apologetic, accommodating, etc. in official email correspondence even when I was the party with a legitimate grievance (a few years ago, when a professor had lost my exam, I was apologizing to her for the extra effort she had to go through to find my exam... can you IMAGINE???.... and I had even offered to take an ALTERNATE exam if she couldn't find mine (once she found and graded it I had a 96% on it, and I was willing to take a different one, risking a lower score, because of HER mistake!!!!). So my friend always reminds me to use " I am sorry " , " I apologize " , " I am greatly indebted to you " , etc. only when the situation legitimately calls for it and when the other person actually deserves it... I still bend over backwards more than I should, but I have gotten so much better! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up > > > > > > > > > my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had > > > > > > > > > everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and > > > > > > > > > stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am > > > > > > > > > nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for > > > > > > > > > probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can > > > > > > > > > recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, > > > > > > > > > I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem > > > > > > > > > to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on > > > > > > > > > something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or > > > > > > > > > something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it > > > > > > > > > on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such > > > > > > > > > a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I > > > > > > > > > thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. > > > > > > > > > So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid > > > > > > > > > somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and > > > > > > > > > will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie > > > > > > > > > detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be > > > > > > > > > terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so > > > > > > > > > I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It > > > > > > > > > happens in more places than airport security, of course. It > > > > > > > > > bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel > > > > > > > > > so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new > > > > > > topic > > > > > > Messages > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ > > > > > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > > > > > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > > > > > ââ,¬Å " Understanding the Borderline Motherââ,¬ï¿½ (Lawson) and > > > > > > ââ,¬Å " Surviving the Borderline Parent,ââ,¬ï¿½ (Roth) which you > > > > > > can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > > > > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | > > > > > > Switch format to Traditional > > > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > > > Recent Activity > > > > > > * Ã, 15 > > > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > > > Give Back > > > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > > > Get inspired > > > > > > by a good cause. > > > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > > > Get it Free! > > > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > > > to your groups. > > > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > > > Start a group > > > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > > > Connect with others. > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 In one of the books on bpd, I think it is in UtBM, it talked about how sometimes when the bpd mother is a particularly out-of-control and low-functioning individual, her children end up feeling like *they don't even have the right to exist.* The bpd-mom tells her children over and over and over again what a burden they are, what a disappointment they are, how much the bpd-mom has to slave away thanklessly just to put food in her children's mouths, etc. so what else is the child to think but that she shouldn't even have been born in the first place. So, hopefully now, as adults, we can begin to internalize and accept the concept that 99% of the bad, negative beliefs we have about ourselves were implanted in us by our very disturbed, very mentally ill mothers and are therefor *not true.* Cluster Bs should not raise children because they *mess with their kid's head* for Christ's sake. Its *abusive* to condition a child to believe that she is a piece of garbage that doesn't deserve to exist and should be grateful that nada even feeds her. Its *abusive* to withhold affection and starve a child of emotional nurturing, or give it only on condition that nada " feels like it. " If a woman has no clear and stable idea of her own internal self-hood so that she views her child as an extension of her own self, and then projects and heaps onto the child all her *own* feelings of worthlessness, badness, etc., or saddles her child with wildly grandiose expectations of perfection, then that child is in danger of developing severe depression. This type of mother is even more dangerous if she tends to have suicidal thoughts and projects *those* onto her child ( " You want to kill me! You want me to die! " ), has inappropriate, intense anger (slaps the child repeatedly while screaming " Say Thank you! Say Thank you! Say Thank you! " ) or has intermittent breaks with reality (she believes that her baby is speaking in full sentences and is saying disturbing, adult-level things.) My nada was emotionally and physically abusive, but could turn on a dime and be sweet, loving, and fun. Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, frankly. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up > > > > > > > > > > my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had > > > > > > > > > > everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and > > > > > > > > > > stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am > > > > > > > > > > nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for > > > > > > > > > > probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can > > > > > > > > > > recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, > > > > > > > > > > I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem > > > > > > > > > > to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on > > > > > > > > > > something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or > > > > > > > > > > something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it > > > > > > > > > > on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such > > > > > > > > > > a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I > > > > > > > > > > thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. > > > > > > > > > > So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid > > > > > > > > > > somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and > > > > > > > > > > will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie > > > > > > > > > > detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be > > > > > > > > > > terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so > > > > > > > > > > I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It > > > > > > > > > > happens in more places than airport security, of course. It > > > > > > > > > > bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel > > > > > > > > > > so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new > > > > > > > topic > > > > > > > Messages > > > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ > > > > > > > SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > > > > > > > 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > > > > > > ââ,¬Å " Understanding the Borderline Motherââ,¬ï¿½ (Lawson) and > > > > > > > ââ,¬Å " Surviving the Borderline Parent,ââ,¬ï¿½ (Roth) which you > > > > > > > can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > > > > > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | > > > > > > > Switch format to Traditional > > > > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > > > > Recent Activity > > > > > > > * Ã, 15 > > > > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > > > > Give Back > > > > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > > > > Get inspired > > > > > > > by a good cause. > > > > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > > > > Get it Free! > > > > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > > > > to your groups. > > > > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > > > > Start a group > > > > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > > > > Connect with others. > > > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 I totally agree with you Annie, our nadas are very similar... Jackie In one of the books on bpd, I think it is in UtBM, it talked about how sometimes when the bpd mother is a particularly out-of-control and low-functioning individual, her children end up feeling like *they don't even have the right to exist.* The bpd-mom tells her children over and over and over again what a burden they are, what a disappointment they are, how much the bpd-mom has to slave away thanklessly just to put food in her children's mouths, etc. so what else is the child to think but that she shouldn't even have been born in the first place. So, hopefully now, as adults, we can begin to internalize and accept the concept that 99% of the bad, negative beliefs we have about ourselves were implanted in us by our very disturbed, very mentally ill mothers and are therefor *not true.* Cluster Bs should not raise children because they *mess with their kid's head* for Christ's sake. Its *abusive* to condition a child to believe that she is a piece of garbage that doesn't deserve to exist and should be grateful that nada even feeds her. Its *abusive* to withhold affection and starve a child of emotional nurturing, or give it only on condition that nada " feels like it. " If a woman has no clear and stable idea of her own internal self-hood so that she views her child as an extension of her own self, and then projects and heaps onto the child all her *own* feelings of worthlessness, badness, etc., or saddles her child with wildly grandiose expectations of perfection, then that child is in danger of developing severe depression. This type of mother is even more dangerous if she tends to have suicidal thoughts and projects *those* onto her child ( " You want to kill me! You want me to die! " ), has inappropriate, intense anger (slaps the child repeatedly while screaming " Say Thank you! Say Thank you! Say Thank you! " ) or has intermittent breaks with reality (she believes that her baby is speaking in full sentences and is saying disturbing, adult-level things.) My nada was emotionally and physically abusive, but could turn on a dime and be sweet, loving, and fun. Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, frankly. -Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 I've been stopped at the airport before and actually detained. After a few hours spent in a room waiting with people that looked like illegal immigrants, the authorities told me everything was fine and I was free to go. When I asked them why they'd stopped me anyway, they said I'd looked nervous. Which I probably did. I feel the same way as you guys in those situations! > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 I've found this thread very interesting. I wonder if everybody (KO's and not) feels a little bit like they're under surveillance in situations like airports, malls, etc., simply because we are under more watchful eyes than ever before. Considering the number of security cameras in urban areas (and that's just in the U.S. - I understand it's truly ubiquitous in London) - we are being made to feel like we MUST demonstrate our " innocence " because there's a presumption that we're up to no good. As the mother of a teenaged boy, I've had to explain to my son that when he drives (without a parent in the car) - if he's pulled over, there are certain motions he must NEVER make (like rummaging under the seat or in the glove compartment without telling the officer what he's doing) - keep his hands on the wheel at 10 and 2:00, don't get cocky or argumentative, etc. The goal is to get through the traffic stop without getting shot or arrested. (Of course, this presupposes that he is doing nothing wrong!) Same thing goes for stores - if I'm pulling the coupon envelope out of my purse, I make sure I'm in the open, because I don't want to give the appearance of sticking something in my purse. And, of course, if we're too young, or an ethnic minority, or wearing certain clothing - we can be followed by security guards or store personnel. Unfair, but it happens. Maybe this is more prevalent than we think - a result of living in a more Orwellian world, rather than just having fleas. - > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 Its a two-edged sword; part of me is glad there are more Orwellian cameras around in public places because more dangerous criminal perps are getting caught by them and slammed in jail, it seems, and that's a good thing. And practically everyone has a camera in their cel phone, now, so you will very likely have your picture taken by a stranger some days whether you know it or not. Now that I've shaken off that particular projection of nada's, I'm not nervous in security situations anymore (airports, shopping, police stops) thank God. Life is too short to go through it miserable and scared when you don't have to be. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 I think that people may feel under surveillance, but I feel the majority of people are not nervous about it (at least in my circle of friends). Except at DUI checks- I have found that most of my friends are nervous at them even though they haven't been drinking or have only had 1 or 2 drinks. What struck me about this thread is the fact that many KOs feel like they are lying even when telling the truth. I can't wait to tell my T about this and see what her input is. I am glad you mentioned what you told your teenage son- very smart to tell him that and I will tell my kid(s) that when the time comes too. That never occurred to me. > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 " Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, frankly. " My T had me read a book called " Drama of the Gifted Child " . Gifted does not refer to smart or talented, it means we are gifted in the sense that we were able to SURVIVE this abuse. We were able to come up with defense mechanisms to get through. It's a pretty good book- I recommend it. > > I totally agree with you Annie, our nadas are very similar... > > Jackie > > > > In one of the books on bpd, I think it is in UtBM, it talked about how > sometimes when the bpd mother is a particularly out-of-control and > low-functioning individual, her children end up feeling like *they don't > even have the right to exist.* > > The bpd-mom tells her children over and over and over again what a burden > they are, what a disappointment they are, how much the bpd-mom has to slave > away thanklessly just to put food in her children's mouths, etc. so what > else is the child to think but that she shouldn't even have been born in the > first place. > > So, hopefully now, as adults, we can begin to internalize and accept the > concept that 99% of the bad, negative beliefs we have about ourselves were > implanted in us by our very disturbed, very mentally ill mothers and are > therefor *not true.* > > Cluster Bs should not raise children because they *mess with their kid's > head* for Christ's sake. Its *abusive* to condition a child to believe that > she is a piece of garbage that doesn't deserve to exist and should be > grateful that nada even feeds her. Its *abusive* to withhold affection and > starve a child of emotional nurturing, or give it only on condition that > nada " feels like it. " > > If a woman has no clear and stable idea of her own internal self-hood so > that she views her child as an extension of her own self, and then projects > and heaps onto the child all her *own* feelings of worthlessness, badness, > etc., or saddles her child with wildly grandiose expectations of perfection, > then that child is in danger of developing severe depression. This type of > mother is even more dangerous if she tends to have suicidal thoughts and > projects *those* onto her child ( " You want to kill me! You want me to > die! " ), has inappropriate, intense anger (slaps the child repeatedly while > screaming " Say Thank you! Say Thank you! Say Thank you! " ) or has > intermittent breaks with reality (she believes that her baby is speaking in > full sentences and is saying disturbing, adult-level things.) > > My nada was emotionally and physically abusive, but could turn on a dime and > be sweet, loving, and fun. Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the > corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, > frankly. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 never heard of this book, but I'll look it up :-) thanks Jackie " Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, frankly. " My T had me read a book called " Drama of the Gifted Child " . Gifted does not refer to smart or talented, it means we are gifted in the sense that we were able to SURVIVE this abuse. We were able to come up with defense mechanisms to get through. It's a pretty good book- I recommend it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 19, 2009 Report Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thanks, Mozz, that book sounds interesting! I'll check it out. best wishes, -Annie > > > > I totally agree with you Annie, our nadas are very similar... > > > > Jackie > > > > > > > > In one of the books on bpd, I think it is in UtBM, it talked about how > > sometimes when the bpd mother is a particularly out-of-control and > > low-functioning individual, her children end up feeling like *they don't > > even have the right to exist.* > > > > The bpd-mom tells her children over and over and over again what a burden > > they are, what a disappointment they are, how much the bpd-mom has to slave > > away thanklessly just to put food in her children's mouths, etc. so what > > else is the child to think but that she shouldn't even have been born in the > > first place. > > > > So, hopefully now, as adults, we can begin to internalize and accept the > > concept that 99% of the bad, negative beliefs we have about ourselves were > > implanted in us by our very disturbed, very mentally ill mothers and are > > therefor *not true.* > > > > Cluster Bs should not raise children because they *mess with their kid's > > head* for Christ's sake. Its *abusive* to condition a child to believe that > > she is a piece of garbage that doesn't deserve to exist and should be > > grateful that nada even feeds her. Its *abusive* to withhold affection and > > starve a child of emotional nurturing, or give it only on condition that > > nada " feels like it. " > > > > If a woman has no clear and stable idea of her own internal self-hood so > > that she views her child as an extension of her own self, and then projects > > and heaps onto the child all her *own* feelings of worthlessness, badness, > > etc., or saddles her child with wildly grandiose expectations of perfection, > > then that child is in danger of developing severe depression. This type of > > mother is even more dangerous if she tends to have suicidal thoughts and > > projects *those* onto her child ( " You want to kill me! You want me to > > die! " ), has inappropriate, intense anger (slaps the child repeatedly while > > screaming " Say Thank you! Say Thank you! Say Thank you! " ) or has > > intermittent breaks with reality (she believes that her baby is speaking in > > full sentences and is saying disturbing, adult-level things.) > > > > My nada was emotionally and physically abusive, but could turn on a dime and > > be sweet, loving, and fun. Its a wonder that we all aren't sitting in the > > corner of a padded room somewhere pulling our hairs out one at a time, > > frankly. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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