Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Kim It is definitely comforting to hear from people such as yourself when we are undergoing these stressful times and emotions. I think we both know though that in pushing people away we are depriving ourselves from love and friendship in equal measures and these are imperative for us to lead a wholesome, true and fulfilled life. Whilst experiencing these negative thoughts, we have to somehow adapt coping mechanisms which are effective and the essential boundaries need to be set in order to limit the influence of the perpetrator. When our inner strength manifests (through counselling, therapy etc..), I'm sure we will be more certain in ourselves. However as I am relatively new to the realm of the BPD sites can you please inform me , is nada an acronym or abbreviation for mom, silly I know but I have to ask! I'm so glad we can help each other, a lending ear is very soothing to us at the moment. Where are you from Kim? I am from Liverpool in the UK, do keep in touch, my prayers are with you. Love xxx ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, July 17, 2009 11:02:53 PM Subject: Re: nervous!  , I too, push people away. Sometimes, I feel like I've done them a favor, saving them from me. Yes, also feel like deep down I'm good, in that I don't try to do mean things to people ect.. but somehow I am actually bad. That my very personality, my beliefs and views on life are bad. Yes, its so confusing on how I am supposed to feel that I don't know what to do. And now that I see this good/bad torment isn't normal but thanks to nada, I feel even more anger about it. ~Kim > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag.. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to â€Å " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and â€Å " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Mozzarella, I too was told that I was amazingly selfish, and have always thought I am. In truth, I am a nurturer and giver by nature, but I always find a way to discount that. If someone tells me I've done something nice, I have to find a way to poo-poo that. I can look at what I've done and not be able to objectively say, 'That was nice'. It's always being drowned out by the voice telling me I am selfish. And guess what, we are all self-centered or selfish at times. It's human nature; welcome to the world. But somehow our BPDs made it our defining feature. Y'know, I've been in a car wreck or two in my nearly half century on earth, but that doesn't make me a 'car wrecker' or a bad driver. It simply happened. Somehow, we need to see that about our less than perfect traits as well - they are a part of us, but they do not define us. Truth be told, the selfish ones were our parents. They expected their children to bear their burdens. That is selfish. > What I am scared of most is being selfish or self-centered, since I have been accused of that constantly since I was very small. It's my worst fear that I am really that way. My husband says I am not, but have moments of self-centeredness (is that a word? ha ha). This bothers me a lot but I suppose we all have those moments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 About the self-centeredness: I always think I have to do better than other people to be as good. I crave approval. I worry I'm selfish, or that I'm too needy and materialistic. I feel a lot of shame. All of this is very self-centered in a backwards way, I think. I have often held myself to a higher standard than I apply to other people. I think that this is self-centeredness on my part. I'm putting myself outside the human race, like I should be better. And all that shame is just me thinking about me all the time. It's OK to be human, and self-centered at times. I think it's more self-centered to try to be a saint... unfortunately I've been self-centered in that trying-too-hard way many, many times. I was called selfish sometimes when I was a kid, and much more often I was called abusive. When my mother would say these things to me, I'd start working hard to prove they weren't the case... in my self-centered (and fairly normal) way, I thought I was the problem, rather than my mother. And so I'd work to do " better, " which just encouraged my mother to continue using these manipulation techniques. This is a thorny question, I think. Where do you draw the line between normal, healthy self-interest, and selfishness and greed... or its flip side, which is martyrdom and passive aggressive behavior? These days, I am thinking that my natural personality might actually be a bit on the selfish side. I think that's OK, if it's the real me and I'm not a total jerk. It's strange that my own self-centeredness, combined with my struggle with my crazy family, made me go to the other extreme, with ridiculous amounts of volunteer work, charity donations, codependency, workaholism, etc. I guess I've always thought that I had something to prove. > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > Messages > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > Recent Activity > > *  15 > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > Give Back > > Yahoo! for Good > > Get inspired > > by a good cause. > > Y! Toolbar > > Get it Free! > > easy 1-click access > > to your groups. > > Yahoo! Groups > > Start a group > > in 3 easy steps. > > Connect with others. > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Kim, I completely agree. One of the greatest ironies of my life is the fact that my mother will try to belittle and abuse me for being a " people pleaser " (what she really means is OTHER people pleaser... because I must only try to please her and I must only worry about what SHE thinks and not about anybody else). She tells me I have low self-esteem, as if it is something I do by choice, and berates me for it (I haven't allowed her too many opportunities to do this in a while, but she tries to squeeze in her words every chance she gets).... and every cell in my body wants to scream " NO KIDDING, MOTHER!!! YOU THINK? Now I wonder why?.... " > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I am right there with you Grace! I have the same " rule " following fixation/obsession. Since I have gone NC (almost two years now), a lot of that has begun to drain off a little, so to speak. Though, unfortunately I am at a job that has me surrounded with very dysfunctional people (perfectionist, micromanaging, backstabbing supervisor; the never absent know-it-all ; BPD woman who is exactly like stepnada in every way), so at work I am triggered quite a bit. Just like you, during my life with stepnada, the rules were often changing, seemingly inocuous questions were always a loaded gun, mistakes were always things I did on purpose, I was always accused of alternative motives, etc. One minute I was belittled for not going out and having friends, then once my social life picked up, I didn't love her anymore. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Nothing was ever " right. " Hard to play the game when you never know the rules, isn't it? I don't know about you, but I am always putting too much pressure on myself to achieve and always feel inferior in some way. I have a lot to work on, but I think just getting away was 90% of my problem! > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > Thanks, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 LOL!! I do the same thing near store doors!! > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 " Why is all the focus on the family rallying around to " help the bpd " ? VERY interesting question anuria!! To me that says that, universally, everyone suffers from the guilt that BPDs instill in the people around them. As I'm taking courses to become a Special Education teacher, a few of the professional development seminars have focused on recognizing and reporting abuse. Not one word was said about children who are emotionally/mentally abused. Because it doesn't *leave* a mark, it's not easily detected. My hope is that, based on my life experience, I'll be the one teacher that recognizes that shine of fear in a child's eye, or the nervous laugh, or the scripted praise about " that " parent. I wish somebody would have seen through my stories and asked questions...maybe they could have intervened for me in a way that my mom couldn't. Dad would never believe her when she'd confront him about the stories we'd bring home about stepnada's comments/behaviors - he just assumed we were running to mom for comfort and because we wanted the two of them to get back together. > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Very interesting anuria - I agree with your opinion about cluster B's and schizophrenia - during stepnada's rages, crying jags, and regarding her perceptions about others, it often seemed to me as if she had/was completely broken from reality, which is the very essense of a schizophrenic episode (or break). And I often tell my mom and husband that I am still surprised I never had a schizophrenic break myself - always living lies, pretending to be someone I wasn't just to keep stepnada placated, etc. The mental strain of keeping track of lies and half-truths and of completely stomping down who I was, was SO difficult. That's one of the greatest things about NC - I'm finally ME. Uncensored, unabbrieviated, undiluted ME. And it's wonderful! You seem extremely knowlegeable about BPD (beyond personal experience) - I don't know what line of work you are in, but if you were/are in the psychology field, it sounds like you have a dissertation or a research paper ready to go! Thanks for enlightening me this evening! You've given me a couple A-HA moments tonight. -artwidow > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 I feel like I don't deserve the good things I have in my life. > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to  " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and  " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 I know, I am SO scared people think I am narcissistic too. > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Annie, I agree. Do you know how they came up with the name for BPD? These people are not psychotic, but they are " almost " psychotic- kind of hovering on the edge, hence the name " borderline " . I learned this in school and my T confirmed it. > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 So true- I've never met anyone who thinks the world revolves around them as much as nada. Very ironic that they make us feel this way. > > What I am scared of most is being selfish or self-centered, since I have been accused of that constantly since I was very small. It's my worst fear that I am really that way. My husband says I am not, but have moments of self-centeredness (is that a word? ha ha). This bothers me a lot but I suppose we all have those moments. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 " I'm putting myself outside the human race, like I should be better. And all that shame is just me thinking about me all the time. " I couldn't have said it better. I am so hard on myself and have been since I was little- teachers would call my mom about it. I wish I could just get over myself. > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hi Mozz, Yes, I do remember reading that! I think those early psychologists/psychiatrists were onto something and that their instincts were correct, but that medical opinion later changed and define the term more as " bordering and overlapping other personality disorders " (the Cluster B group). In any case, it continues to astonish me that these clearly severely disturbed individuals are *still allowed to raise children*!!! Holy cow, why is this such a blind spot with so many otherwise well-intentioned, well-read, intelligent people in the field of psychology, medicine, and social services??! -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > > Messages > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > Recent Activity > > > > *  15 > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > Give Back > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > Get inspired > > > > by a good cause. > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > Get it Free! > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > to your groups. > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > Start a group > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > Connect with others. > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Again, its eerie how similar many of our nadas' abnormal behaviors are, and how similarly and deeply these behaviors have affected us not only in childhood but well into adulthood. I too was (and I am still) frequently accused of being a selfish, thoughtless, self-centered, ingrate by my nada. I believe that our nadas' focusing on giving so many of us these *particular* labels is due to " projection. " Projection is a defense mechanism which occurs when a person's own unacceptable or threatening feelings are repressed and then attributed to someone else, and its a core trait of Cluster-B personality-disordered individuals. Borderline/narcissists can't cope with other living beings having needs. Perhaps it makes the borderline mother feel inadequate, and it probably just irritates the crap out of the narcissist mother. So, the bpd/n mother perceives her child as " selfish " , " greedy " and " thoughtless " when the child is merely hungry, scared, tired, ill, or wants some attention/cuddling and legitimately *needs the mother to provide these things*; a small child *cannot* provide them for herself. A child has no choice but to accept their mother's opinion of them. To a very young child Mother is God, the Universe and Everything. If from birth your mother tells you that you are selfish and bad when you have needs, then it must be true. As you can probably tell, I am deep in the " anger " phase of dealing with my background and history with my bpd/n-mom. I've been here for a while now, and hope eventually to leave the anger phase behind and reach a level I call " compassionate detachment. " I know anger is not a healthy state to dwell in permanently, but I also have to say that it feels *damned good* and very empowering. I also think that maybe reaching the anger phase is helping me overcome believing in the negative labels and denigrations my nada projected onto me. I'm now experiencing righteous indignation and outrage over the emotional and physical abuses done to me, I'm rejecting her labeling me with her own distorted, abnormal thoughts and feelings, and in the process of rejecting the guilt and shame she heaped(s) on me for not being " perfect " . I hope that whether its through accessing your own anger or by other means, you others here who still are " buying " your nadas' projections (such as feeling shame or guilt re your " selfishness " ) will be able to throw off her projections and eventually uncover your original, authentic selves. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hello, friends. I originally started this thread a little while ago, and I just want to say thank you to all who have shared their thoughts and struggles. I am amazed and saddened that so many of us have such similar experiences and feelings of inadequacy. I could take some quotes from you all word for word and they would be my own. I am grateful for the validation from your posts, greived that so many know what I meant and just 'get it', and encouraged that we can support one another. I have come away with even more insight and understanding of what really seems to be universal for some of us KOs, and I am so thankful for all of your posts. Continue on, by all means. I just want to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. So many things I am trying to work through and not understanding why I have them to begin with are starting to make more sense. This feels like a crucial step to me. I want to express my deep gratitude, and my ongoing respect for all of you. You are some amazing people!!!! Sincerely, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 , forgive me if I am out of line here, but I really think this may be a case of misplaced blame. It's not YOU you're trying to get over, it's your BPD parent's wrong assessment of you. It became ingrained in your being. You had no choice as a child but to believe and accept it. You are now in the good fight to live in truth, but I believe the truth is that you are simply owning your mom's wrong interpretations/projections. Let yourself off the hook here. You were only a kid and could not have known any differently. Astridz, I likewise think what you are calling self centered is really just the child you were that is trying to prove your mom wrong when she called you selfish and self centered. I've seen that in myself a lot. I haven't taken the socially responsible road you have (which I respect you for). Instead I was paralyzed for such a long time. Yes, I can throw a terrific party withouot missing a detail and look out for everyone's needs and cater to them all, often at my own expense, just to prove I can. I think it's just a different way of some of the same issues playing out. Just my thoughts to take or leave. But I would feel remiss if I didn't say to you, I don't think you are the selfish people you've been accussed of being. I can see that very clearly in your posts. I'm sure it's even more evident in real life than in cyberspace. Introspection and self-improvement (for lack of a better term) are part of being STRONG, HEALTHY, RESPONSIBLE adults. I think Annie was so right when she pegged this as projection. I'd imagine that true life changing instrospection scared the bejeebers out of our BPD parents. That's why they conditioned us the way they did. I think the truth is that they felt they had TONS to prove, so they made us feel like we did instead of bearing that burden themselves. It's hard, but I think it's necessary to let that go, or at least level it out to a healthy degree. Okay, rambling now and hoping my thoughts are coherent. Take encouragement friends. I believe you are doing a very good thing. Sincerely, - In WTOAdultChildren1 , " mozzarella27 " wrote: > > " I'm putting myself outside the human race, like I should be better. And all that shame is just me thinking about me all the time. " I couldn't have said it better. I am so hard on myself and have been since I was little- teachers would call my mom about it. I wish I could just get over myself. > > > > > > > > About the self-centeredness: I always think I have to do better than other people to be as good. I crave approval. I worry I'm selfish, or that I'm too needy and materialistic. I feel a lot of shame. All of this is very self-centered in a backwards way, I think. > > > > I have often held myself to a higher standard than I apply to other people. I think that this is self-centeredness on my part. I'm putting myself outside the human race, like I should be better. And all that shame is just me thinking about me all the time. > > > > It's OK to be human, and self-centered at times. I think it's more self-centered to try to be a saint... unfortunately I've been self-centered in that trying-too-hard way many, many times. > > > > I was called selfish sometimes when I was a kid, and much more often I was called abusive. When my mother would say these things to me, I'd start working hard to prove they weren't the case... in my self-centered (and fairly normal) way, I thought I was the problem, rather than my mother. And so I'd work to do " better, " which just encouraged my mother to continue using these manipulation techniques. > > > > This is a thorny question, I think. Where do you draw the line between normal, healthy self-interest, and selfishness and greed... or its flip side, which is martyrdom and passive aggressive behavior? > > > > These days, I am thinking that my natural personality might actually be a bit on the selfish side. I think that's OK, if it's the real me and I'm not a total jerk. It's strange that my own self-centeredness, combined with my struggle with my crazy family, made me go to the other extreme, with ridiculous amounts of volunteer work, charity donations, codependency, workaholism, etc. I guess I've always thought that I had something to prove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Not out of line at all- thank you so much for posting this- it makes me feel a lot better. =) > > > > > > > > > About the self-centeredness: I always think I have to do better than other people to be as good. I crave approval. I worry I'm selfish, or that I'm too needy and materialistic. I feel a lot of shame. All of this is very self-centered in a backwards way, I think. > > > > > > I have often held myself to a higher standard than I apply to other people. I think that this is self-centeredness on my part. I'm putting myself outside the human race, like I should be better. And all that shame is just me thinking about me all the time. > > > > > > It's OK to be human, and self-centered at times. I think it's more self-centered to try to be a saint... unfortunately I've been self-centered in that trying-too-hard way many, many times. > > > > > > I was called selfish sometimes when I was a kid, and much more often I was called abusive. When my mother would say these things to me, I'd start working hard to prove they weren't the case... in my self-centered (and fairly normal) way, I thought I was the problem, rather than my mother. And so I'd work to do " better, " which just encouraged my mother to continue using these manipulation techniques. > > > > > > This is a thorny question, I think. Where do you draw the line between normal, healthy self-interest, and selfishness and greed... or its flip side, which is martyrdom and passive aggressive behavior? > > > > > > These days, I am thinking that my natural personality might actually be a bit on the selfish side. I think that's OK, if it's the real me and I'm not a total jerk. It's strange that my own self-centeredness, combined with my struggle with my crazy family, made me go to the other extreme, with ridiculous amounts of volunteer work, charity donations, codependency, workaholism, etc. I guess I've always thought that I had something to prove. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 I think projection is a pesky flea I have once in a while- just this morning I was asking my husband why he was acting mad at me and he said, " Don't start blaming me for being mad when it's just you feeling guilty about last night. " Last night I drove 1.5 hours to go visit a friend and we ended up seeing the new Harry Potter (great movie!) so I didn't get home until about 1am. Because of this I wasn't home to put the baby to bed and I slept in because I was exhausted from not going to bed until 2am. Is he smart or what? Called me out! Of course I have no reason to feel guilty, but I did and therefore assumed he was mad, which he wasn't. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > > Messages > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > Recent Activity > > > > *  15 > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > Give Back > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > Get inspired > > > > by a good cause. > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > Get it Free! > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > to your groups. > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > Start a group > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > Connect with others. > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 It's really nice to hear that others' posts help you, because you certainly help many in your posts! > > Hello, friends. > I originally started this thread a little while ago, and I just want to say thank you to all who have shared their thoughts and struggles. I am amazed and saddened that so many of us have such similar experiences and feelings of inadequacy. I could take some quotes from you all word for word and they would be my own. I am grateful for the validation from your posts, greived that so many know what I meant and just 'get it', and encouraged that we can support one another. I have come away with even more insight and understanding of what really seems to be universal for some of us KOs, and I am so thankful for all of your posts. Continue on, by all means. I just want to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. So many things I am trying to work through and not understanding why I have them to begin with are starting to make more sense. This feels like a crucial step to me. I want to express my deep gratitude, and my ongoing respect for all of you. You are some amazing people!!!! > > Sincerely, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 A big me too here. I'm scared people will think I'm shoplifting, get " caught " in airport security, the police will pull me over for nothing, don't want to even look at my purse when in a store - oh yeah. I'm amazed so many here have this same thing! In childhood I always had to be or at least appear to be perfect, in every way, so nada would stay calm and reasonable. Sometimes I'd make real mistakes and sometimes it'd be things I couldn't have possibly known would set her off. A Christmas present left on the floor of my room comes to mind - she exploded I was rude and disrespectful to leave that present on the floor, ungrateful(!), hurting her feelings. Now zoom the camera out - my entire room is a pigsty, she never made me clean it, showed me how to put things away, or cleaned it herself this present was one item among a zillion things I put on the floor. J > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 Great!! Very impressive! See, that just confirms that you have a healthy, non-bpd brain which grants you the capacity/ability to see yourself objectively, engage in self-analysis and achieve personal growth, and all without having a fight with your husband! Go Mozz! (((high five))) -Annie PS: He sounds like an intelligent and great guy, by the way! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > > > Messages > > > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > > > Recent Activity > > > > > *  15 > > > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > > > Give Back > > > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > > > Get inspired > > > > > by a good cause. > > > > > Y! Toolbar > > > > > Get it Free! > > > > > easy 1-click access > > > > > to your groups. > > > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > > > Start a group > > > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > > > Connect with others. > > > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 very kind of you . I am trying very hard not to discount your kind words .... the fleas are biting! ; ) Happy weekend, all, > > > > Hello, friends. > > I originally started this thread a little while ago, and I just want to say thank you to all who have shared their thoughts and struggles. I am amazed and saddened that so many of us have such similar experiences and feelings of inadequacy. I could take some quotes from you all word for word and they would be my own. I am grateful for the validation from your posts, greived that so many know what I meant and just 'get it', and encouraged that we can support one another. I have come away with even more insight and understanding of what really seems to be universal for some of us KOs, and I am so thankful for all of your posts. Continue on, by all means. I just want to say THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. So many things I am trying to work through and not understanding why I have them to begin with are starting to make more sense. This feels like a crucial step to me. I want to express my deep gratitude, and my ongoing respect for all of you. You are some amazing people!!!! > > > > Sincerely, > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 OH...I get this one with police. Whenever I see them. In a store, driving down the street. Im just shopping...or Im just driving...not speeding or doing anything wrong but Im totally tense until I cant see them anymore cause I just know I've done something that they will see and Im going to get arrested/ticketed! > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 18, 2009 Report Share Posted July 18, 2009 This reminds me of one of my favorite movie lines from " Parenthood " " You need a license to drive a car...and you need a license to catch a fish...but any butt reaming @#%hole can be a father " For those of you with nada's just substitute " Mother " > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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