Guest guest Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 Yes, that make perfect sense. I can absolutely relate. Especially to being afraid that you have done something wrong (unknowingly) and will be punished for it. And I have thought the same thing about lie detector tests! The level of anxiety I feel when I believe that others think I am lieing, is almost unbearable. ~Kim > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > Thanks, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2009 Report Share Posted June 20, 2009 I would never have been able to put it into words but yes I have the same issue. I've never even had a speeding ticket but I freak out when I see a cop car on the road. I also make great grades in my college courses but always worry if I miss a moment of class the syllabus will change. Riah > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > Thanks, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 I even get nervous sometimes walking out of WalMart - I am always afraid the detector will go off! It did once recently when I got something from electronics. ha! I just took deep breaths and smiled and handed over my receipt for verification... still, it all strikes me as odd. I have gotten a speeding ticket, Riah, and I think I handle that better becs I KNOW I was wrong and can accept that (esp. when my kids are in the car; have to set that good example - and should not have been speeding in the first place!). It's the thinking that I'll be accused of doing something I didn't do that seems to bother me more. Strange, huh? And yes, the wondering what will change or what I might miss but still be responsible for ~ no fun. Thanks, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I live close to the TX/Mexico border &  there's a checkpoint on the way back into TX. Every single time I feel guilty and nervous like I'm trying to hide something! Isn't that funny that KO's have these identical quirks!  ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, June 20, 2009 9:45:16 PM Subject: Re: nervous! Yes, that make perfect sense. I can absolutely relate. Especially to being afraid that you have done something wrong (unknowingly) and will be punished for it. And I have thought the same thing about lie detector tests! The level of anxiety I feel when I believe that others think I am lieing, is almost unbearable. ~Kim > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > Thanks, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 Lara, well put, calling it quirks. Yes, I feel the same way. I really feel for you having to go through a very high stress situation like that. I would constantly think that they think I'm hiding something. I also have a lot of anxiety in stores. I'm nervous that they think I'm trying to shoplift, which of course I'm not. But I feel like the " authorities " whoever they may be, believe I'm doing something wrong and hiding it and they are watching to catch me. That sounds very paranoid, now that I wrote it down. Yikes. > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I think that the perpetual feeling that we've done something wrong and will get caught and punished for it is caused by years/decades of having that exact thing happen to us. Nada made and changed the rules at her whim, so, there was always *something* I (or my Sister) could be punished for. Emotional and physical abuse like that obviously does a lifetime of damage. Why aren't more books and articles putting a spotlight on the results of bpd parenting? Why is all the focus on the family rallying around to " help the bpd " ? I think bpds would become highly motivated to seek help for themselves if their sorry asses were thrown in jail every time they assault their children. I think that severe and immediate consequences for those who emotionally and physically batter their kids should be standard " therapy. " -Annie > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 Its so true, that BPD parents, while so damaging to their children, get away with the abuse! But the effect of a BP parent are so complex that I doubt anyone would really understand it unless they lived it. So you would need law emforcement, lawyers, judges and everyone invovled in the system to understand this abuse....which is a lot to ask since the are therapists that miss the disorder. And that their area of expertise. > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 ; My reply is late (I am so behind on emails) but yes, I live with this fear. It takes up a lot of room in my brain as I do scan after scan, trying to be sure I haven't missed something...or else. Flowers in Oz nervous! , I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. Thanks, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 I have the same problem! I am not nervous going through security, but I have noticed for a few years now that I always feel like I am lying, even though I am telling the truth! It's like I will call in sick, and I really am sick, but it doesn't ring true and I am convinced the other person thinks I am lying. I hate it! I think it might be because I've lived my whole life trying to prove and explain myself to nada. I often over-explain things for this reason. Then I will obsess because I feel like I didn't explain in the best way possible, and the other person thinks I am full of it. > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > Thanks, > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 Mozzarella, well put. I feel the same way. -Kim > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 16, 2009 Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 I have the same problem :-( Jackie > I have the same problem! I am not nervous going through security, but I > have noticed for a few years now that I always feel like I am lying, even > though I am telling the truth! It's like I will call in sick, and I really > am sick, but it doesn't ring true and I am convinced the other person > thinks I am lying. I hate it! I think it might be because I've lived my > whole life trying to prove and explain myself to nada. I often > over-explain things for this reason. Then I will obsess because I feel > like I didn't explain in the best way possible, and the other person > thinks I am full of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 That is exactly how I feel... I constantly find myself OVERexplaining things, and then I worry about the perception that people who try too hard to show something are usually lying. And this nervousness permeates other areas of my life. For example, yesterday I had cash in my wallet and could have paid for my purchases at a local store with it, but then I got nervous and decided to use my debit card... just in case I had to prove that I had actually been to the store and purchased the items. This is completely IRRATIONAL since I live with my husband and he NEVER doubts me or questions me in an inappropriate way... but my mother always did when I was younger and still does now (although I live 1800 miles away and our lives are not entwined enough to create too many opportunities for her to do this). She would make me feel guilty even when I was telling her the truth about what I was GOING to do ahead of time. Arianna P.S. The most valuable aspect of this board/group, for me, is finding validation. I have always known that something is wrong with my mother, but even after I found the name for it and learned about her disease within the last couple of years, I still wasn't sure how much of what I felt " odd " or " off " within me/my behaviors/feelings/thoughts was actually attributable to her and my upbringing. This is SO HELPFUL!!! Thank you all... > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Wow... yet another ME TOO moment. I will deliberately SLOW DOWN at the doors of a store, to make sure that they can see I am not running/hiding/doing anything inappropriate - and I don't have a thieving bone in my body. I don't even use a credit card unless I have money at that moment in my bank account (and I promptly go home, take my receipt to the computer and make an online payment in the exact amount of my purchase ASAP). > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing.. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Me, too! I always think I'm lying and I always am very careful not to give the appearance of stealing. Especially when I tell peopple things about my mom, I feel guilty and like I'm making it up. I think I have her voice in my head saying, " That never happened! " (My mother denies any action of hers that might be questionable. I've seen her deny that things happened 5 minutes after they happened!) Also, when I'm pulled over at one of those DUI checkpoints, I get so nervous and flustered that I can't remember where I'm going or why! At this 12 step meeting I go to I always get nervous passing the basket, as if people will think I'm stealing from it. I always put my money in quickly and without touching the top of the basket, and I pass it as fast as I can, so no one will think I'm taking any money. It's strange because I would never take the money, and I don't worry about other people taking money, but I am still freaked out that I will be suspected. On the flip side of this, when I'm actually accused of doing something I didn't do, I either turn into a total doormat begging for forgiveness, or I can sometimes turn into a real defensive bitch. I can become very angry very fast in this situation, sometimes. > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I don't know exactly what causes this, but I used to have it too. And I don't know why I eventually outgrew it, either! Maybe just very low contact over a period of time does it. Maybe reaching middle-age in one piece does it. Maybe its because nada was so eager and willing to believe that I'd done something bad; when things went wrong in my little world it was always my fault, she never took my side. And she was always misinterpreting things I'd say to her; she heard (and still hears) things said to her through a " negative filter " . If I happened to be painted all-black at the moment, then no matter what I'd say it sounded wrong or bad or disrespectful or smart-mouthed to nada. So maybe its because we were always expecting to be accused of doing something we didn't do, saying something we didn't say, or meaning something we did not intend at all, so we were on permanent hyper-alert so that our actions and carefully, carefully couched speech and tone of voice wouldn't trigger any misinterpretations. And this hyper-alertness bled into our perception of other authority figures as well. I too was a very tense and nervous " Stepford child " ; too afraid to just relax and fully trust any adult. I hope this unfortunate by-product of being raised by a mentally ill person will eventually wear off for you, too. -Annie > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 astridz, I feel the same way. I've been apart of this group for a few months now, and I still feel amazed and relieved when someone writes something and its like they read my mind. I feel like people think I am lying about my nada. And I too, have seen her deny things only minutes after I saw them with my own eyes. And I too feel people think I'm stealing. Went to Walmart today and my son brought 2 matchbox cars. Halkf way throught the store he didn't want them, but I was scared to put them in my purse. I don't even like to put my hand in my purse while shopping, let alone put the cars in!! I held them, but even then I felt like people thought they were merchandise that I took out of package and was waiting to steal them. I consumed my thoughts the whole trip. ~Kim > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I have this too. I have recently found out that my mom is BPD and I always think that I am in the wrong, I walk around shops and always think people think bad of me or that I am stealing things if I go to put things back. I just have this altered perception that I am a bad person and that everybody thinks negative of me, although whilst this is not true and I am a good person. It is all about trust, I find it very very hard to trust other people especially adults, as every adult throughout my childhood has let me down. Although of late the one person that I do trust is my devoted partner. I know the trust will come in time, and I know that I must not think that everybody has a motive and that they think of me as bad, but I am thinking when you have been brought up by a parent who is mentally ill, you start to question your own mental well being. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, July 17, 2009 8:26:51 PM Subject: Re: nervous!  I don't know exactly what causes this, but I used to have it too. And I don't know why I eventually outgrew it, either! Maybe just very low contact over a period of time does it. Maybe reaching middle-age in one piece does it. Maybe its because nada was so eager and willing to believe that I'd done something bad; when things went wrong in my little world it was always my fault, she never took my side. And she was always misinterpreting things I'd say to her; she heard (and still hears) things said to her through a " negative filter " . If I happened to be painted all-black at the moment, then no matter what I'd say it sounded wrong or bad or disrespectful or smart-mouthed to nada. So maybe its because we were always expecting to be accused of doing something we didn't do, saying something we didn't say, or meaning something we did not intend at all, so we were on permanent hyper-alert so that our actions and carefully, carefully couched speech and tone of voice wouldn't trigger any misinterpretations. And this hyper-alertness bled into our perception of other authority figures as well. I too was a very tense and nervous " Stepford child " ; too afraid to just relax and fully trust any adult. I hope this unfortunate by-product of being raised by a mentally ill person will eventually wear off for you, too. -Annie > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic Messages Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe Recent Activity *  15 New MembersVisit Your Group Give Back Yahoo! for Good Get inspired by a good cause. Y! Toolbar Get it Free! easy 1-click access to your groups. Yahoo! Groups Start a group in 3 easy steps. Connect with others. .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 , Me too. I often wonder if I am not a little mental myself- esp. when I catch myself reacting in a way nada would. What makes me feel better is that I can catch it, take a step back and realize I am being self-centered/neurotic/unfair etc., then stop acting that way. I don't think people with true pd's can really do that w/out intense therapy. I think acting like that is what people call " fleas " . Am I correct? What I am scared of most is being selfish or self-centered, since I have been accused of that constantly since I was very small. It's my worst fear that I am really that way. My husband says I am not, but have moments of self-centeredness (is that a word? ha ha). This bothers me a lot but I suppose we all have those moments. > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > Messages > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > Recent Activity > *  15 > New MembersVisit Your Group > Give Back > Yahoo! for Good > Get inspired > by a good cause. > Y! Toolbar > Get it Free! > easy 1-click access > to your groups. > Yahoo! Groups > Start a group > in 3 easy steps. > Connect with others. > . > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I get that all the time, and I am starting to accept that It is because from a very very early age my mom was very negative towards me she was always right and I was always wrong, I was always the one in my moms eyes who is selfish, the liar, so when this goes on for a long period of time as in over years I think it is only natural for our own pysche to believe it, thats why I have started therapy. It is like I cannot see the good in myself.....do you get that same feeling too? Its like people around you like your husband says to you that you are a good person and beautiful etc, but you have a thought in your head which for me sounds like my mothers voice echoing saying " yeah if only you knew the real " do you get this too? ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, July 17, 2009 9:13:12 PM Subject: Re: nervous!  , Me too. I often wonder if I am not a little mental myself- esp. when I catch myself reacting in a way nada would. What makes me feel better is that I can catch it, take a step back and realize I am being self-centered/ neurotic/ unfair etc., then stop acting that way. I don't think people with true pd's can really do that w/out intense therapy. I think acting like that is what people call " fleas " . Am I correct? What I am scared of most is being selfish or self-centered, since I have been accused of that constantly since I was very small. It's my worst fear that I am really that way. My husband says I am not, but have moments of self-centeredness (is that a word? ha ha). This bothers me a lot but I suppose we all have those moments. > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > Messages > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Motherâ€� (Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,â€� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > Recent Activity > *  15 > New MembersVisit Your Group > Give Back > Yahoo! for Good > Get inspired > by a good cause. > Y! Toolbar > Get it Free! > easy 1-click access > to your groups. > Yahoo! Groups > Start a group > in 3 easy steps. > Connect with others. > . > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Arianna, Thank you. Again I feel like I could have written this myself. I wonder how much of my " personality " is me and how much it left over from nada abuse? A lot of my " bumps in my personality " seem to be something a lot of us share. (ex the anxiety of thinking we are doing something wrong or others thinking we are) I wonder who I would have been have I been raised by a healthy mom. I wonder if the real me is buried in here some where?? ~Kim > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 I am amazed about this thread, because other people understand this " nervous " feeling. I'm sorry anyone else has to go through this, but its a reliief to know I'm not alone. Mozzarella, I feel the same way with the selfishness. I truly believe that a person who is selfish is not good. I feel that I am only a good person if I am completely selfless. I constently feel like I am a selfish person, and I try so hard not to be. The problem is a lot of boundary setting requires thinking of myself. Honestly, I believe that people " know " I am selfish. I also believe that people think I'm narsissitic (spelling?)Even though friends say that's silly. I believe they are lieing to me, to avoid conflict.....which is one of the things nada would tell me. That I was bad, evil, mean, rude ect and no one ever told me because they " knew how I was " meaning I was so mean no one wanted to argue with me. Now I just feel like this big oger that ruins the atmosphere when I walk into a room or attend a party...like everyone hopes I won't show, but no one will tell me the truth. Thanks nada. >:-/ Sorry I went way off topic there. > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > Messages > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > Recent Activity > > *  15 > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > Give Back > > Yahoo! for Good > > Get inspired > > by a good cause. > > Y! Toolbar > > Get it Free! > > easy 1-click access > > to your groups. > > Yahoo! Groups > > Start a group > > in 3 easy steps. > > Connect with others. > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Yes, " fleas " are bpd-like traits or behaviors that non-bpds exhibit because as children we pattern ourselves on and adapt to our mother's behaviors (or on our primary caregiver's behaviors; its usually the mother.) We were each unlucky enough to have a mentally ill mother who demonstrated disturbed, unhealthy, abnormal thought patterns and reactions for us as " normal. " And I think you're right; since we fortunately have healthy, non-pd brains we are able to perceive that these negative behaviors are not desirable and we can learn to self-monitor and consciously change ourselves. My own personal experience is that my elderly bpd/n mother is neither willing nor able to achieve self-awareness and can't change. I think that her deeply entrenched manipulative, controlling behaviors that have actually worked for her for the 8 decades of her life are not going to miraculously evaporate. After a year of therapy nada still believes that she has always been the perfect mother, that my Sister and I are crazy, hateful and out to get her, and she is now and always has been a victim that other people use and abuse. Erm... do I need to say that reality is *exactly* the opposite? I am a cynic, however. Keep in mind that I also believe that the negative, hostile, self-serving, manipulative behaviors of Cluster B individuals are due to perceptual, cognitive organic dysfunction in the brain itself (bad wiring, or bad chemicals, or both) and it is a genetically inherited condition. From all the reading I've done over the last two years (and this just my own opinion, again) I truly believe that personality disorders are more closely related to schizophrenia that current medical opinion holds ( " schizophrenia lite! " ) and I believe that continuing scientific research studies will, sooner or later, show this to be true. Maybe I should start a betting pool on this, I think I'll win! -Annie > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > Messages > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to “Understanding the Borderline Mother†(Lawson) and “Surviving the Borderline Parent,†(Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > Recent Activity > > *  15 > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > Give Back > > Yahoo! for Good > > Get inspired > > by a good cause. > > Y! Toolbar > > Get it Free! > > easy 1-click access > > to your groups. > > Yahoo! Groups > > Start a group > > in 3 easy steps. > > Connect with others. > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 omg, , yes. I feel that anyone that thinks I'm a good person, is either lieing to me OR they don't know the " real " me. The crazy part is, I don't want to be bad, but its like I feel that my natural fabric is just bad. When I described myself to T (when I was going) it was like this: I want to be a good person at heart, but I'm just bad. When I do things that I think are good, they are really bad and make others angry and not like me. On the surface I appear nice (I told T I had her fooled because she didn't really know me, even though I wasn't trying to fool her, it was something I did without trying) but if I get too close to someone they get to see the real me, which is unintentionally bad and mean. Do you feel that way? ~Kim > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > Messages > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to  " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and  " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > Recent Activity > > *  15 > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > Give Back > > Yahoo! for Good > > Get inspired > > by a good cause. > > Y! Toolbar > > Get it Free! > > easy 1-click access > > to your groups. > > Yahoo! Groups > > Start a group > > in 3 easy steps. > > Connect with others. > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 Wow Kim I totally know what you mean. I think that when people are telling me that I am a good person and that I have a huge heart they are just sweet talking me to make me feel good and not telling me the truth, just telling me what I want to hear. Although even though in the pits of my stomach I know that I am a good person deep down, I cannot help but think that I am bad, I get so frustrated with these horrible negative thoughts that I dont know whether to cry, scream, throw something, yell....do you feel that too??? In the past when I have got close to people I.E relationships, it's kinda like I have tested them, pushed them away with my defenses, so I could say to myself in my own head " see everybody is bad I shouldnt trust people " basically hurting myself before anybody else gets the chance to hurt me. It was only until recently that I realised that if I carry on like that I am going to grow old very very lonely just like my BPD mother. I am now in therapy, and hoping and praying that I can and will get to the bottom of things. x ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, July 17, 2009 10:03:07 PM Subject: Re: nervous!  omg, , yes. I feel that anyone that thinks I'm a good person, is either lieing to me OR they don't know the " real " me. The crazy part is, I don't want to be bad, but its like I feel that my natural fabric is just bad. When I described myself to T (when I was going) it was like this: I want to be a good person at heart, but I'm just bad. When I do things that I think are good, they are really bad and make others angry and not like me. On the surface I appear nice (I told T I had her fooled because she didn't really know me, even though I wasn't trying to fool her, it was something I did without trying) but if I get too close to someone they get to see the real me, which is unintentionally bad and mean. Do you feel that way? ~Kim > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > Messages > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to  " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and  " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.. > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > Recent Activity > > *  15 > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > Give Back > > Yahoo! for Good > > Get inspired > > by a good cause. > > Y! Toolbar > > Get it Free! > > easy 1-click access > > to your groups. > > Yahoo! Groups > > Start a group > > in 3 easy steps. > > Connect with others. > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 17, 2009 Report Share Posted July 17, 2009 , I too, push people away. Sometimes, I feel like I've done them a favor, saving them from me. Yes, also feel like deep down I'm good, in that I don't try to do mean things to people ect.. but somehow I am actually bad. That my very personality, my beliefs and views on life are bad. Yes, its so confusing on how I am supposed to feel that I don't know what to do. And now that I see this good/bad torment isn't normal but thanks to nada, I feel even more anger about it. ~Kim > > > > > > > > > > > > So I was going thru security at the airport today to pick up my bpd daughter who is here on a 9 day home pass. I had everything in order, and even had my hand sanitizer and stain removal stick in the resealable ziplock bag. (I am nothing if not a rule follower.) > > > > > > > > > > > > I was finally able to put words to something I've felt for probably my whole life, at least as far back as I can recall. Though I was doing everything right and by the book, I was still *nervous* to go through security! I always seem to get this feeling that someone is going to call me on something, accuse me of something wrong I have not done, or something I did by mistake but will be accused of doing it on purpose, just as my fada always did. (No wonder I'm such a rule follower, huh?) > > > > > > > > > > > > I think that as a kid the rules were always changing. What I thought was okay was suddenly not and I was raged at for it. So now even when I do it all by the book, I'm still afraid somewhere inside that I've done something very wrong and will get in big trouble for it. > > > > > > > > > > > > I've often thought that I hope I never have to take a lie detector test becs, even in telling the truth, I'd be terrified that I was doing something wrong nontheless ... so I don't see how I could ever pass! > > > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone else relate to this? (I hope it makes sense.) It happens in more places than airport security, of course. It bugs me, but now that I am more aware, maybe it won't feel so big. > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > __.._,_.___ > > > Messages in this topic (16) Reply (via web post) | Start a new topic > > > Messages > > > Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > > To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to  " Understanding the Borderline Mother� (Lawson) and  " Surviving the Borderline Parent,� (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook.. > > > > > > Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required) > > > Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional > > > Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe > > > Recent Activity > > > *  15 > > > New MembersVisit Your Group > > > Give Back > > > Yahoo! for Good > > > Get inspired > > > by a good cause. > > > Y! Toolbar > > > Get it Free! > > > easy 1-click access > > > to your groups. > > > Yahoo! Groups > > > Start a group > > > in 3 easy steps. > > > Connect with others. > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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