Unconscious revelation

[Guest guest]

When I awoke a bit ago, the following words escaped my lips in a silent whisper

to no one. After 40 years I heard myself say, " I have nothing to be ashamed

of. "

I wasn't the cause of my parents divorce.

I wasn't the cause of my countless childhood moves.

I wasn't the one that choose abandoned hotels, tents, ghetto's.

I wasn't the one that choose drugs, alcohol and other.

I wasn't the one with questionable men.

I wasn't the one that lied, used people, manipulated systems and stole things.

I wasn't the one that married again so I wouldn't have to work - and told people

that with a smile.

I wasn't the one that still moves every 6-12 months for greener pastures.

I wasn't the one that burned every bridge, friend, relationship, relative I ever

had - and hates them all for leaving her.

I wasn't the one who has never held a job longer than 14 months (and that was 2x

in a lifetime.)

I wasn't the one that demands loyalty, obedience, secrets and silence.

I wasn't the one that used/uses suicide as a tool to get my way.

I wasn't the one that made my daughter cry for 40 years.

No, that wasn't me. That was HER.

I had no tools, experience, idea how to life in this world but I did know that I

was never going to be HER. My whole life I did the opposite of what she did.

Sure, some bits rubbed off, but the more aware/conscious of what/who I was

mirroring, the quicker I was able to shake off those thoughts - though I never

fully acted on them like she did. Nope, it wasn't me.

I was the adult child.

I was the good girl.

I was " situationally impacted " but a lot of stuff.

I finally made it through.

Scar tissue is tougher than regular skin, not a pretty, but tougher: I am

wrapped in physical and psychological scar tissue, but I'm alive.

I always wondered if it was possible to stand in the light of day and not feel

that I was somehow suspect, unworthy or infringing... today I awoke and

realized, " I'm worthy to be here because I have nothing to be ashamed of. "

I imagined that this point, if it was at all possible to obtain, would be met by

heavenly applause and fireworks, instead it's a slow steady warm exhale - much

as the sound of the sleeping breath of my lover next to my ear in the middle of

the night - gentle, sure and comforting, punctuated only by the arms he wraps me

and pulls me to him when I make the slightest moves.

She is she - sad as it is. I am me - here and now and forward. I have nothing

to be ashamed of.

Lynnette.