Re: Why is everything such a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL?

[Guest guest]

And you are a seamstress on top of it all - Lynnette, you amaze me!

= )

I remember when I flew out of state when my fada was dying. I went specifically

becs I'd spoken to his doc who'd advised me to go asap, even though my husband

was in the hospital for some emergency surgery. So it wasn't a " Gee, he's kinda

sick " thing; it was definitely a " He is going to die within days " situation (and

he did). He was brought home from the hospital to die. Needless to say, it was a

touch and go few days. At one point, stepnada was on the phone with my husband

who'd called to check in. She went on and on with him about how " we had a really

close one last night; we almost lost him! " What??? That's why we we're here - he

is dying. He will not un-die.

Not quite the same as your nada calling after 2 weeks with her emergency

numbers, but just such a whacked out view of life and reality in general. As if

there was a need to create yet another crisis in the midst of the crisis of his

death ... have never quite been able to figure that one out. Sad.

Take your list to your T and have at it my friend. You deserve a good rant.

Take care and happy candy day,

>

>

> Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

>

> Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting party

with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

>

[Guest guest]

I've tried to equate stuff like this with " Nada's coughing up another emotional

hairball " ... just to keep it light... but still... it gets to me.

So, who did your stepnada saturate once fada was gone?

Lynnette - who can sew, cook, bake, design/sell $$$ jewelry, and a bunch of

other useful/less things ;o)

> >

> >

> > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> >

> > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting party

with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynette,

I'm definitely sick of the conjured up crisis mentality. My nada

can turn almost anything into an " emergency " if she wants

attention. I think she likes to surround herself with drama, and

if there's not enough drama in her life, she feels she needs to

do something to cause there to be more drama. She's gotten

somewhat better about that since I stopped responding to her

" emergencies " in a timely fashion, but she still periodically

gets into an uproar over almost nothing.

Today's drama involves the fact that someone on Facebook sent

her a supposed video a couple weeks ago that was a trojan horse

of some sort. Now she's decided that since some of the games on

Facebook aren't working well for her, that fake video must have

infected her computer with something and she needs me to come

fix it. I'll get around to doing it sometime soon, when it suits

me, preferably when she's not home. No matter what I do to try

to make her computer safe, she finds ways of getting it messed

up. Which part of " don't open things you don't know what are " is

so hard to understand?

Should I ask how having match.com man's office phone number is

going to help you if you need to reach her in an emergency? I

wonder if her real motivation is to that she wants you to think

she's gotten very close to match.com man, to the point where

calling him at anytime is an easy way to reach her. Or maybe it

makes her feel more connected to him. Besides liking drama, they

seem to like creating artificial closeness in their

relationships.

At 05:20 PM 10/31/2009 yp_lynnette_cameron_park wrote:

>I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last

>night... I let it go to VM...

>

>This morning I listed to message.

>

>It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her

>cell phone at a public library last week (explains why it's

>been awfully quiet this week) and won't get it til next

>Thurs. So, this message (delivered in rushed, breathless,

>urgent tones - notice a week after losing phone) was to give me

>his home, office, cell #'s " In case there is an EMERGENCY and

>you HAVE TO REACH ME... " Um, ok.

>

>Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that

>there will always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of

>time? If this is truly bothering her, don't you think she'd

>get the phone before letting a total of 2 weeks go by? I know

>match.com knows because I could hear him feeding her the #'s in

>the background....

>

>She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all

>the time... usually when I go on trips or away on business...

>as if I'm incapable of having my 'backup plans' in place....

>I'm 41 and quite capable thankyouverymuch.

>

>I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list

>this time...

>

>Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

>

>Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T

> & Ting party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a

>hoot!)

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

At 05:50 PM 10/31/2009 yp_lynnette_cameron_park wrote:

>I've tried to equate stuff like this with " Nada's coughing up

>another emotional hairball " ... just to keep it light... but

>still... it gets to me.

" An emotional hairball " - that's a great phrase, and so

descriptive of nada behavior.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Artificial closeness... always. Nada goes from Idealization to Devaluation in

6-9 months... this guy is going on a year... poor fool.

If he only knew what she says about him behind his back.

Funny on the computer thing... Nada does that too. I have done all but encased

it in a steel tomb and she's still found ways to get infected... in fact the

issue he created back in July on her laptop (3 months old) still isn't

resolved... I've sent the 'how to's' to her be she can't figure it out... and

she refuses to do anything. So there is sits. Dead. And her desktop (2 years

old) is always acting up. Funny how MY computer's last 6 years...

Cough. Cough. Retch. Meow!

Lynnette

> >I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last

> >night... I let it go to VM...

> >

> >This morning I listed to message.

> >

> >It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her

> >cell phone at a public library last week (explains why it's

> >been awfully quiet this week) and won't get it til next

> >Thurs. So, this message (delivered in rushed, breathless,

> >urgent tones - notice a week after losing phone) was to give me

> >his home, office, cell #'s " In case there is an EMERGENCY and

> >you HAVE TO REACH ME... " Um, ok.

> >

> >Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that

> >there will always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of

> >time? If this is truly bothering her, don't you think she'd

> >get the phone before letting a total of 2 weeks go by? I know

> >match.com knows because I could hear him feeding her the #'s in

> >the background....

> >

> >She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all

> >the time... usually when I go on trips or away on business...

> >as if I'm incapable of having my 'backup plans' in place....

> >I'm 41 and quite capable thankyouverymuch.

> >

> >I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list

> >this time...

> >

> >Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> >

> >Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T

> > & Ting party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a

> >hoot!)

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Maybe your nada loves dramatizing reality as much as mine does. Mine's into

what I call " horriblizing " things if it works to her advantage somehow. For

example, in a marathon effort of phoning everyone in our foo, my nada turned

what was a minor, temporary weakness in her infant great-nephew's neck into

" spinal damage and retardation " as she relayed her version of the details to

each of us in a quavery, tear-filled voice. I think my nada really *enjoys* the

drama of relaying bad news because it gives her the chance to chew the scenery

with stage-quality hysteric-level blubbering that gets her attention. It just

now occurred to me that I do not recall my nada ever phoning me to relay good

news, I would only hear from her if she had bad news to dispense.

She'd also over-react with red-faced screaming rages over minor, ordinary,

everyday incidents that happen with kids (like spilled Kool-ade or tracking dirt

into the house) which made Sister and I jittery little nervous wrecks

neurotically obsessed with trying to be perfect and never get dirty and never

make too much noise, etc. We played outside and at friends' houses as much as

possible. We would get screamed at if we turned the TV up beyond a whisper or if

we laughed too loudly, that irritated nada. Nada found dirt, messiness, and

noise particularly stressing; maybe she should have just had goldfish instead of

children and perhaps have taken a Valium every 30 minutes or so.

Me personally, I think your nada just used that story ( " um, here are my

new/temporary phone numbers in case *you* have an emergency and need to contact

me " ) as the " cover " story. The real story is that after a couple of weeks of

self-indulgent screwing around it dawned on her that *she* might be needing

*you* to rescue *her* again, so she makes contact with you at her convenience to

make sure you're still there and available to her. She's not going to let you

get too far away, too inaccessible or too disinterested in case she needs to

make use of you on short notice. Its always about her needs; my guess is that

deep down she doesn't give a rat's ass if *you* happen to suffer a real

emergency and need *her* help (which is why she didn't let you know how to reach

her for a couple of weeks.)

But that's just my opinion to take or leave; keep in mind that I'm growing more

cynical by the moment RE bpd behaviors.

-Annie

>

> I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last night... I let it go

to VM...

>

> This morning I listed to message.

>

> It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her cell phone at

a public library last week (explains why it's been awfully quiet this week) and

won't get it til next Thurs. So, this message (delivered in rushed, breathless,

urgent tones - notice a week after losing phone) was to give me his home,

office, cell #'s " In case there is an EMERGENCY and you HAVE TO REACH ME... "

Um, ok.

>

> Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that there will

always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of time? If this is truly

bothering her, don't you think she'd get the phone before letting a total of 2

weeks go by? I know match.com knows because I could hear him feeding her the

#'s in the background....

>

> She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all the time...

usually when I go on trips or away on business... as if I'm incapable of having

my 'backup plans' in place.... I'm 41 and quite capable thankyouverymuch.

>

> I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list this time...

>

> Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

>

> Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting party

with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

>

[Guest guest]

Lynnette I feel your pain. I dread listening to nada's voicemails because no

matter what it is she has that urgent, breathless tone you described and it

REALLY gets to me. I literally cringe when I hear her talk. And what also drives

me nuts is that she knows I have voicmail, not an answering machine, yet she

still talks like I can hear her. She'll say, " It's mom. Are you there? Mozz? "

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

>

> I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last night... I let it go

to VM...

>

> This morning I listed to message.

>

> It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her cell phone at

a public library last week (explains why it's been awfully quiet this week) and

won't get it til next Thurs. So, this message (delivered in rushed, breathless,

urgent tones - notice a week after losing phone) was to give me his home,

office, cell #'s " In case there is an EMERGENCY and you HAVE TO REACH ME... "

Um, ok.

>

> Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that there will

always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of time? If this is truly

bothering her, don't you think she'd get the phone before letting a total of 2

weeks go by? I know match.com knows because I could hear him feeding her the

#'s in the background....

>

> She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all the time...

usually when I go on trips or away on business... as if I'm incapable of having

my 'backup plans' in place.... I'm 41 and quite capable thankyouverymuch.

>

> I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list this time...

>

> Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

>

> Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting party

with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Lynette,

Everything is such a BFD to nada because they simply can t regulate ( or

wont regulate, ) their emotional responces and balance. They are

addicted to the drama. It may not work for them, but its what they

know. Defninition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and

expecting a different result.

Well, they ARE insane, as a matter of fact. But please remember, THEIR

distorted view of reality, their " stinkin thinkin " if you will, doesnt

mean it has to apply to you. You can live and react rationally and

normally, even though that means an insane person will touch realities

with you only tangentially. The relationship wont be normal and healty,

but you can be.

I learned a valuable tool years ago in an alcohol safetey training for

supervisors course. It was the can of peas analogy. In brief, if your

behavior concerning alcohol, ie, hiding it, keeing it by the bed so you

can have a hit first thing in the morning, lying about when you do use

it, ect, were instead applied to a can of peas, would it be rational?

So, if nada s VM s were about a lost can of peas, or a pie she was

baking, would a 2 week wait followed by an emergence phone call to

update you about it, would it be rational?

Defense rests.

Doug

>

> I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last night... I let

it go to VM...

>

> This morning I listed to message.

>

> It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her cell

phone at a public library last week (explains why it's been awfully

quiet this week) and won't get it til next Thurs. So, this message

(delivered in rushed, breathless, urgent tones - notice a week after

losing phone) was to give me his home, office, cell #'s " In case there

is an EMERGENCY and you HAVE TO REACH ME... " Um, ok.

>

> Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that there

will always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of time? If this

is truly bothering her, don't you think she'd get the phone before

letting a total of 2 weeks go by? I know match.com knows because I could

hear him feeding her the #'s in the background....

>

> She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all the

time... usually when I go on trips or away on business... as if I'm

incapable of having my 'backup plans' in place.... I'm 41 and quite

capable thankyouverymuch.

>

> I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list this

time...

>

> Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

>

> Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Doug ~ you're right. I intellectually 'know' these things, just

sometimes they irritate the frog snot out of me...

I appreciate you trying to a-pease me... I'd really just like to

give-peas-a-change... but sometimes but sometimes it's all I can do to NOT give

her a peas of my mind...ya know?

Lynnete - who wonders how the pea got such a crummy rap in the vegetable

kingdom... I know of a lot worse behavin' squash!

> >

> > I got from a number I didn't recognize around 10pm last night... I let

> it go to VM...

> >

> > This morning I listed to message.

> >

> > It was nada on match.com man's phone... apparently she left her cell

> phone at a public library last week (explains why it's been awfully

> quiet this week) and won't get it til next Thurs. So, this message

> (delivered in rushed, breathless, urgent tones - notice a week after

> losing phone) was to give me his home, office, cell #'s " In case there

> is an EMERGENCY and you HAVE TO REACH ME... " Um, ok.

> >

> > Why is everything such a big drama? Why such assumptions that there

> will always be " an emergency " ? Why the distorted since of time? If this

> is truly bothering her, don't you think she'd get the phone before

> letting a total of 2 weeks go by? I know match.com knows because I could

> hear him feeding her the #'s in the background....

> >

> > She does this " in case there's an emergency " thing with me all the

> time... usually when I go on trips or away on business... as if I'm

> incapable of having my 'backup plans' in place.... I'm 41 and quite

> capable thankyouverymuch.

> >

> > I see therapist on Monday... THANK GOODNESS... I have a list this

> time...

> >

> > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> >

> > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

> party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Lynnette,

They don't call it " emotional dysregulation " for nuttin! I always felt like

having nada was excellent training for a career in crisis management....

Suzy

[Guest guest]

I know you're working on it in all areas - and I'm so glad for you. But I can

tell that behind all of your decidedly brilliant humor - there's still a lot of

pain. Hope that't getting better, too.

Suzy

P.S. " Lynnette - who can sew, cook, bake, design/sell $$$ jewelry, and a bunch

of other useful/less things " - I do all those things, too, and " handyman " stuff.

Nada didn't teach me one thing - I learned it all by doing. Do you think it

comes from being the little " parent " who had to do it all early on?

[Guest guest]

" Decidedly brilliant humor " - thanks ;o)

And yes... there is a lot of pain. Mainly because I'm starting to remember...

something I NEVER wanted to do.

I can do basic car maintenance, handyman stuff, ya know " husband stuff " .... she

certainly wasn't going to do any of it....

Lynnette

>

> I know you're working on it in all areas - and I'm so glad for you. But I can

tell that behind all of your decidedly brilliant humor - there's still a lot of

pain. Hope that't getting better, too.

>

> Suzy

>

> P.S. " Lynnette - who can sew, cook, bake, design/sell $$$ jewelry, and a

bunch of other useful/less things " - I do all those things, too, and " handyman "

stuff. Nada didn't teach me one thing - I learned it all by doing. Do you

think it comes from being the little " parent " who had to do it all early on?

>

[Guest guest]

I can tell you're navigating a mine field (I originally typoed mind field -

maybe more appropo) right now. You're getting told a lot and are now remembering

a lot that's pretty painful. Sorry it has to hurt so much. Remember your deep

breathing. Just keep breathing. There's no way to teleport to the other side

and avoid the pain, but I know you're gonna come out stronger on the other side.

We're with you.

Suzy

[Guest guest]

Mind field... exactly... sorta how I think that FOG should be: Fear OBLITERATION

Guilt...

What bothers me so much is that it appears more people knew what was happening

to me and yet, out of fear of my Nada, NO ONE DID A THING.

And they're only telling me now because she's acting up with them. I feel like

crawling in a cave and blombing the walls in to seal it off.

Lynnette

>

> I can tell you're navigating a mine field (I originally typoed mind field -

maybe more appropo) right now. You're getting told a lot and are now remembering

a lot that's pretty painful. Sorry it has to hurt so much. Remember your deep

breathing. Just keep breathing. There's no way to teleport to the other side

and avoid the pain, but I know you're gonna come out stronger on the other side.

We're with you.

>

> Suzy

>

[Guest guest]

Speaking of BIG FREAKIN' Deal...

When we were teenagers we used to say to my nada all the time " Quit freaking out

mom " because she was always so over-the-top with her dramatic overreactions to

every little thing. Her reply " I AM NOT FREAKING OUT!! " while yelling, flailing

arms, eyes bulging. Sure nada, you're totally calm, as usual!

The breathless, waify, voice messages are common too. I feel sick when I get

them and deliberately wait at least a day before calling back.

One time when I was travelling overseas I didn't call her for a couple of weeks,

which I warned her would probably happen before hand, since phones weren't

always readily available in the country I was in. (Before cell phones.) of

course she disregards my information, calls her friend to come and stay with her

overnights, tells the entire town I was dead, etc. When I spoke with her

finally she absolutely FREAKED on me for being such a bad daughter, she was

worried sick, blah blah. When I returned home the whole town was awash in

rediculous rumors about " what happened " to me while I was overseas. I was

furious. GAWD nada sucks!

> >

> > I can tell you're navigating a mine field (I originally typoed mind field -

maybe more appropo) right now. You're getting told a lot and are now remembering

a lot that's pretty painful. Sorry it has to hurt so much. Remember your deep

breathing. Just keep breathing. There's no way to teleport to the other side

and avoid the pain, but I know you're gonna come out stronger on the other side.

We're with you.

> >

> > Suzy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Fab- U- lous!

Here-in sits the difference: You call back. I don't anymore. Too many episodes

of crying wolf have desensitized me to inaction... one day it will be " real. "

I'll live with that.

Lynnette

> > >

> > > I can tell you're navigating a mine field (I originally typoed mind field

- maybe more appropo) right now. You're getting told a lot and are now

remembering a lot that's pretty painful. Sorry it has to hurt so much.

Remember your deep breathing. Just keep breathing. There's no way to teleport

to the other side and avoid the pain, but I know you're gonna come out stronger

on the other side. We're with you.

> > >

> > > Suzy

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Truly, it does suck trying to have a normal, rational, adult relationship with a

mentally ill person. It is just pretty close to impossible, most of the time,

seems to me.

We aren't in agreement and " playing the same game by the same rules " : so its

like we nons believe we agreed with nada to play a game of soccer together, but

nada decides she wants to play football instead, plus make up new rules as she

goes along, all without informing us.

So the game is a pointless exercise, and a no-win situation. Whenever it looks

like the non might win, nada changes the rules again.

The bpd gets to say shocking, or hateful, or untrue things to you and a moment

later deny having said it, or claim that its you who said it and that you are

the crazy one, or that you are too stupid to understand what was actually meant.

A person can't have a real relationship with another person on that basis. Its

like nada and I are living in two different realities and it is crazy-making: up

is down and down is up but sometimes its sideways, if nada wants it to be. " A

word means what *I* intend it to mean, " according to Humpty Dumpty. HD is an

amazingly accurate caricature of a narcissistic pd person, in my opinion.

Its why I get triggered reading some fantasy stories like the original versions

of " Alice In Wonderland " and " Through The Looking Glass " where the characters

that Alice meets are so negative, irrational, contradictory, mean, and just

plain freaking insane! Its supposed to be charming and funny, but not for me.

-Annie

>

> Speaking of BIG FREAKIN' Deal...

> When we were teenagers we used to say to my nada all the time " Quit freaking

out mom " because she was always so over-the-top with her dramatic overreactions

to every little thing. Her reply " I AM NOT FREAKING OUT!! " while yelling,

flailing arms, eyes bulging. Sure nada, you're totally calm, as usual!

>

> The breathless, waify, voice messages are common too. I feel sick when I get

them and deliberately wait at least a day before calling back.

>

> One time when I was travelling overseas I didn't call her for a couple of

weeks, which I warned her would probably happen before hand, since phones

weren't always readily available in the country I was in. (Before cell phones.)

of course she disregards my information, calls her friend to come and stay with

her overnights, tells the entire town I was dead, etc. When I spoke with her

finally she absolutely FREAKED on me for being such a bad daughter, she was

worried sick, blah blah. When I returned home the whole town was awash in

rediculous rumors about " what happened " to me while I was overseas. I was

furious. GAWD nada sucks!

[Guest guest]

Lynette,

I'm sorry for this latest revelation of crap. (I tried to think of another

description, and that was the nicest one I could come up with...) There is a

deep grief in realizing others knew things were terribly wrong and it was never

acknowledged or discussed. I don't know that this is even on the same level,

but I have a somewhat similar story...

When my fada died, I was talking with my brother and his wife later that evening

at dinner. The whole course of the conversation was that there had been

something very wrong with him. I was at the point where I still felt some sick

need to protect him, so I was careful with my words. But the realization came to

me that, " They knew! They all knew!!! I was the only one who ever lived with

them (fada and stepnada) alone, becs I was the youngest. And they all KNEW

something was wrong, but no one ever told me. I was convinced it was ME becs I

was TOLD it was me. Why didn't anyone ever tell me the truth??? " Of course

these thoughts didn't come to me until later, after I'd had time to process it

all. My brother had even told me that he was very worried about me, being the

last one home (he was the next youngest) and being alone with them. As I told my

husband on the phone the next day, " Where the hell were these people for all

those years? Why didn't they say anything? Why didn't anyone warn me?!? "

I realize in hindsight that I went into a depression at that point. I am not

sure how long it lasted as I was really not aware of those kinds of things then;

I've received quite a schooling since then. But it was definitely a reaction to

that knowledge, among other things.

I guess I share that to let you know that your reactions are not off base. The

shock and anger and _______ (fill in the emotion of the moment) are most

understandable. Make sure to take very good care of yourself during this

process. I hope your T has some good support to offer you as well. You most

certainly deserve it. This is big, even life altering, stuff. We are with you to

support and encourage you. We cannot take the pain away for you, but perhaps

knowing that you are not alone in your experience will allow you to let others

shoulder some of the burden with you. Know you are loved, respected, and

appreciated here.

With care,

> What bothers me so much is that it appears more people knew what was happening

to me and yet, out of fear of my Nada, NO ONE DID A THING.

> Lynnette

[Guest guest]

The awfully sad truth is that for many, fear gets in the way of action. It's

easier to look the other way or do nothing - even for family and friends. That

hurts immensely, but take a step back and consider what you now know about

nadas.

What, if anything could someone have done? Except in the case of evident

physical or sexual abuse, we all know the " authorities " would/could do nothing

to remove us from mentally twisted parents. Even in those cases, as others in

this group have related in horrifying detail, kids still don't get rescued.

Kids don't get removed from their parents for emotional abuse. And we all know

how deceptive nadas/fadas are to the outside world - who would believe us? For

those who knew something was way off - what could they do? They had no legal

recourse for " rescuing " us. Who's gonna stand up to a nada in full force? Look

how long it has taken us - fully grown, educated, intelligent people to do so.

And nonBP spouses of our BP parents are often misled or abused or just too weak

to walk away or rescue us. Or they run away without a thought for us. Maybe

they could have at least validated us by telling us " we're sorry, but your nada

is crazy you know. " If we didn't know, we the " protectors " would have come to

their defense. If we did know, we would have felt, well yea, but how does that

help me?

It may not make it any less painful, and I don't know what has come to light

that you are dealing with, but I'm hoping it helps you to get beyond this

sticking point to realize that maybe, nothing really could have been done. I'm

not saying that makes it alright - just the awful reality of dealing with this

illness. I think the ONLY thing that could/can bring about a different outcome

for a KO is having one strong, healthy parent who legally battles to remove

him/her via custody at a young age. Those in this group are beyond that

possibility, so all we can do is remove ourselves from custody now and heal as

best we can.

Once you get through the pain, then the second hardest thing is letting go of

the past - and as someone posted a while back " the possibility that the past

could have been any different. "

Hang in there, Lynnette. You're strong. You've proved it time and again. Be

the palm tree, you'll weather this.

Suzy

> >

> > I can tell you're navigating a mine field (I originally typoed mind field -

maybe more appropo) right now. You're getting told a lot and are now remembering

a lot that's pretty painful. Sorry it has to hurt so much. Remember your deep

breathing. Just keep breathing. There's no way to teleport to the other side

and avoid the pain, but I know you're gonna come out stronger on the other side.

We're with you.

> >

> > Suzy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Recently when my sister in law was having a C-section, (they knew they were

going to have a C-section and at an appointment they decided because of some

complications to do it the next morning.) I did not find out until later

that my nada had taken the whole day off of work and sat in the waiting room

worrying and fretting for the many hours that the whole thing took. She got

up at like 5 am to be there from the very beginning of her being admitted.

She told me that some of her coworkers were miffed at her being out

unexpectedly to which she retorted " I'm sorry we had a family emergency. "

..... Oh please... it wasn't completely straightforward, but it wasn't an

emergency and her presence certainly was not necessary. I'm sure my brother

just never went in the waiting room so that he did not have to be annoyed by

her fretting and catastrophizing the situation.

MY

On Sat, Oct 31, 2009 at 1:39 PM, grace_debtor wrote:

>

>

> And you are a seamstress on top of it all - Lynnette, you amaze me!

> = )

>

> I remember when I flew out of state when my fada was dying. I went

> specifically becs I'd spoken to his doc who'd advised me to go asap, even

> though my husband was in the hospital for some emergency surgery. So it

> wasn't a " Gee, he's kinda sick " thing; it was definitely a " He is going to

> die within days " situation (and he did). He was brought home from the

> hospital to die. Needless to say, it was a touch and go few days. At one

> point, stepnada was on the phone with my husband who'd called to check in.

> She went on and on with him about how " we had a really close one last night;

> we almost lost him! " What??? That's why we we're here - he is dying. He will

> not un-die.

>

> Not quite the same as your nada calling after 2 weeks with her emergency

> numbers, but just such a whacked out view of life and reality in general. As

> if there was a need to create yet another crisis in the midst of the crisis

> of his death ... have never quite been able to figure that one out. Sad.

>

> Take your list to your T and have at it my friend. You deserve a good rant.

>

> Take care and happy candy day,

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> >

> > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

> party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, instead of being the calm port in the storm during a crisis, nadas do like

to ratchet up the drama, anxiety and stress to even higher levels. Just

freakin' nerve-wracking to be around nadas. Makes me wish I had the nerve to

slip a sedative into her food or drink when I'm around her under those

conditions (instead of self-medicating with alcohol, my sedative of choice.)

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> > >

> > > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

> > party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I spend a lot of time home alone when my husband travels for business, and many

times that I talked to nada in the past, she would try to scare me. " Did you

lock all the doors and windows? Did you check every closet when you came home?

Do you have a phone by the bed in case of emergency? " My favorite was when

there was a wild animal (I live in the woods) screeching outside one night when

I was on the phone with nada. She urged me to call 911 immediately because it

might get in the house. What? There was also the night when I was

having...uh....bloating and gas pain, and she told me to " Hang up and call 911

immediately. Then lie by the front door and wait for them " . Can you imagine the

laughing stock I would have been in my town had I called an ambulance for gas?!

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> > >

> > > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

> > party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I hope that you choose to just not even let your nada know when your husband

travels from now on, so that she won't subject you to " horrible-izing " phone

calls attempting to ratchet up your anxiety levels RE " emergency gas attacks " ,

" wild howling beasties " and other non-issues. Geez, Louise. If that were on a

TV sit-com, it would be funny!

-Annie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else sick of the conjured up crisis mentality?

> > > >

> > > > Lynnette (who just finished sewing an Igor costume for teens T & Ting

> > > party with best friend going as Dr. enstein... a hoot!)

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >