Guest guest Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Walking, yes it really bothers me the ways in which I resemble my nada physically and in other ways. It makes me angry that this " stamp " has been put upon my existence before I had a chance to reject it or understand it. Of course I try to do what I can to change the things that are possible but I am sure as you know that's not so easy. This gets a little into the issue of belief but I believe in a deeper level of soul that exists beyond the surface of what we see body and mind. If you've ever seen anyone be taken over by dementia in old age, you see age change their body and the dementia affect their mind and personality. But yet - if you believe in a soul that goes on after death - *that soul* existed before old age and dementia gets them and after they die. Who is that soul? Who are you beyond what your childhood and conditioning and genetics have put on you? These questions and looking at it this way have helped me when nothing else does. > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > Anyone else feel this way? > Anyone else felt this way? > Thanks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 Dear Walking, I also resemble my mom physically, and I can't stand it, mostly because when I look at HER I can't stand what she has become. I am so worried that I will somehow turn into her, that I sometimes question things I've said, things I do, decisions I've made -- " Did I say/do/choose that because it's the 'right' thing, or because I'm thinking like HER? I'm hoping that the biggest saving grace is being vigilant about it as I get older! I know it's not all about me, and hope I won't forget that later.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 My mother was a very attractive woman. She actually was a child model. My sister looks more like her than I do, I guess, but I do notice that I have a lot of her mannerisms. In a message dated 10/20/2009 1:37:24 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, mghue_82@... writes: I also look like my nada. Sigh. I noticed I even have many of her mannerisms. What I have done for my self esteem is to write down and note verbal phrases that nada uses all the time and I practice a " new phrase " that really says the same thing, just with " my words " instead of nada words. This comforts me. I considered plastic surgery at one point, just enough to alter my face so I do not look like nada. I am several inches shorter and with similiar body type. Hooray, I have my dad's hair and it is Totally different than nada. Nada talks about my hair a lot when I am around her and states over and over and over and over that we do not have the same type of hair. May we all heal, blessings, mg > > > Dear Walking, > > I also resemble my mom physically, and I can't stand it, mostly because when I look at HER I can't stand what she has become. I am so worried that I will somehow turn into her, that I sometimes question things I've said, things I do, decisions I've made -- " Did I say/do/choose that because it's the 'right' thing, or because I'm thinking like HER? > > I'm hoping that the biggest saving grace is being vigilant about it as I get older! I know it's not all about me, and hope I won't forget that later.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 LOL!!!!! In a message dated 10/20/2009 4:23:11 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, sleddog@... writes: my nada always looked like the Quaker Oats guy- minus the smile... Jackie My mother was a very attractive woman. She actually was a child model. My sister looks more like her than I do, I guess, but I do notice that I have a lot of her mannerisms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 I also look like my nada. Sigh. I noticed I even have many of her mannerisms. What I have done for my self esteem is to write down and note verbal phrases that nada uses all the time and I practice a " new phrase " that really says the same thing, just with " my words " instead of nada words. This comforts me. I considered plastic surgery at one point, just enough to alter my face so I do not look like nada. I am several inches shorter and with similiar body type. Hooray, I have my dad's hair and it is Totally different than nada. Nada talks about my hair a lot when I am around her and states over and over and over and over that we do not have the same type of hair. May we all heal, blessings, mg > > > Dear Walking, > > I also resemble my mom physically, and I can't stand it, mostly because when I look at HER I can't stand what she has become. I am so worried that I will somehow turn into her, that I sometimes question things I've said, things I do, decisions I've made -- " Did I say/do/choose that because it's the 'right' thing, or because I'm thinking like HER? > > I'm hoping that the biggest saving grace is being vigilant about it as I get older! I know it's not all about me, and hope I won't forget that later.... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 I like your idea about choosing a different phrase than the one your nada uses, Connie, so you can express yourself in your own way instead of sounding like her! I've done similar things, consciously choosing to dress or speak or act as opposite from my nada as possible. I can't help looking like her, but I can certainly *be* a different person than her. And again, it is so damned weird that both our nadas obsess about hair. Mine would go on and on andonandonandon about how alike our hair is: scraggly, fine, thin, and unattractive. How I do look forward to those conversations. (Bleah!) -Annie > > > > > > Dear Walking, > > > > I also resemble my mom physically, and I can't stand it, mostly because when I look at HER I can't stand what she has become. I am so worried that I will somehow turn into her, that I sometimes question things I've said, things I do, decisions I've made -- " Did I say/do/choose that because it's the 'right' thing, or because I'm thinking like HER? > > > > I'm hoping that the biggest saving grace is being vigilant about it as I get older! I know it's not all about me, and hope I won't forget that later.... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 my oldest sister looks very much like nada !! I really feel sorry for her...my oldest sisters hair is much prettier, though as her's is naturally curly, and nadas is perfectly straight. I told my sister she may look like nada on the outside, but she's not like her on the inside... Jackie I also look like my nada. Sigh. I noticed I even have many of her mannerisms. What I have done for my self esteem is to write down and note verbal phrases that nada uses all the time and I practice a " new phrase " that really says the same thing, just with " my words " instead of nada words. This comforts me. I considered plastic surgery at one point, just enough to alter my face so I do not look like nada. I am several inches shorter and with similiar body type. Hooray, I have my dad's hair and it is Totally different than nada. Nada talks about my hair a lot when I am around her and states over and over and over and over that we do not have the same type of hair. May we all heal, blessings, mg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 my nada always looked like the Quaker Oats guy- minus the smile... Jackie My mother was a very attractive woman. She actually was a child model. My sister looks more like her than I do, I guess, but I do notice that I have a lot of her mannerisms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 Hi My journey has been a really lonely one, and there are truly many times where I rely on God and no one else, or whatever you want to call it, the energy that pervades the universe. In order to undo some of my fleas, pains, and buried hurts, I have been meditating daily for over two years now. There was a guru from India that I met, and I accepted him as my guru. I don't talk about my daily meditation practice very much, because it is not for the consumption of others or anything like that, it is for me. Through my meditation practice, I have seen my fleas diminish greatly, although they are still very much there. To me, though, I see great progress. And those friends who have hung in there with me say they have seen incredible growth in the last two years in me, in terms of being able to connect to people and talk about myself and be in the world with people in general. Many times, I reassure myself, that to meet one's guru is considered the end result of many lifetimes (if you are of the reincarnation persuasion) of karmic struggle, and a great honor by some. I find a lot of solace in that. In fact, because my nada's BPD and all the struggle I had with the FOO have affected my surface personality to such a horrendous level, all I am left with is my soul. In fact, as a spiritual person, I could THANK nada and the FOO for not giving me any other outlet in life than to seek God and spirituality. Now, this may sound like too much, going off the deep end, to some on this board, but if so, then just don't read this and please please don't criticize me, because I am talking about my lifeline to an existence. I recently realized that all of our experiences happen FOR us, instead of TO us. If I say all this happened TO me, then I am acting a victim, and I give nada and the FOO too much power over me. Hinduism for me, has so much of a clear grasp on reality. It makes sense to me that each one of us is struggling to work out our karmic identities in this world/lifetime. So, nada and the FOO are doing their work in this plane of existence as well. That is not for me to worry about. What I worry about is my existence and whether I am causing suffering for other sentient beings (ok a little Buddhist there). I work hard at meditation, and it is not easy. I really sit down and breathe for about half an hour EVERY morning, first thing. I don't know what I would do or be without the meditation practice. It is helping me a lot. On the days I don't do it, I slip back into horrific old karmic practices. But people who have had normal lives and have not had to contend with the suffering we have, they are not seeking God or the soul as much as we do. It is a blessing to have suffered and continue to suffer so much. I have been forced to focus on my soul, I have been forced to seek solace in God and the soul, what you describe as the underlying reality. I have been forced to be very deep, if I say so myself. This enables me to have compassion and help others more. I have a lot of compassion for the suffering of others, and most of my energy is directed towards alleviating suffering in others. I am grateful that nada and the FOO made me who I am, that I have a lot of compassion. Perhaps this is the beginning of forgiveness? I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to accept myself, my life story, and work towards the greater good. That is why I am sharing this with you all, perhaps there is something in here that will help someone. And, all of us on here are helping to alleviate each other's suffering instead of continuing to inflict suffering. I don't think there is a more noble existence than that. I think we all have a lot to be grateful for, in terms of how compassionate our suffering has made us. Much love, hugs, my friends,. Walkingto. > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > Anyone else felt this way? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 My nada has recently lost a lot of weight, and in doing so I see we share a lot more facial characteristics than I previously noticed. Now when I look in the mirror sometimes I see nada and I hate it. It makes me sick. I also notice nada-like things that I do and I feel like a total freak. Just remember you are NOT your nada. NOT*EVEN*CLOSE. You have the ability to step back and make changes. That, I think, is so extremely important. It might take you a while to change, it might be hard, but you can do it. Give yourself a big hug and start being nicer to you. You deserve it. Then continue to take one day at a time. > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > Anyone else feel this way? > Anyone else felt this way? > Thanks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Walking,I get what you're saying about the " karmic " aspect of these kinds of terribly difficult and painful relationships.I've felt the same way about my parents--what was the purpose of us being thrown together,if not to develop and grow? Because the alternative to that is just suffering and destruction,which seems very pointless. I've asked myself what type of person I would have been if my parents had been healthy.Would I have turned out to be more selfish? More self concerned? Less switched on to feeling empathy for other peoples' suffering? Less mindful of the importance of doing as little harm to others as possible? I don't know--it's really hard to distinguish what were my innate characteristics from what my environment made me focus on. I'm very aware of my life as a spiritual journey that I need to learn from and I do think that if my life had been easier,I would be less concerned with that as a core motivation. > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > Thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Hi Walking, I'm not up to right as coherent a reply as I'd like to right now - bit of a funk and feeling low - but I wanted you to know that I really could relate to so much of your post. I am very influenced by Hinduism too and that is a wonderful thing that meditation has helped you so much. My practice has been rather off and on though over many years - I definitely feel better and get better perspective if I can. I hope you are right that these difficult circumstances aid us in our journey...it'd be nice to know there's something good about it. Hugs, > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > Thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Walking, This gets kinds complicated in our psyche. Many in this group have commented on being creeped out by being in any way like their nada (mostly the women, methinks). I think fear is at the heart of that, but also sometimes - it's just disgust. I think that a normal part of emotional development is learning self-awareness, and also learning to separate ourselves from our mother. With nadas, we weren't really allowed to go through that process in a normal way - or even allowed to learn to " be " ourselves or express our true emotions. So becoming aware of who we are and what we feel has come at a much later stage in life for many of us. Then, when we do, we have to walk through the mindfield of what it nada and what is us - without blowing ourselves up. After learning about BPD/NPD and understanding that's what nada is, and then reassessing essentially my whole existence, I finally came to understand a lot about myself and why I am the way I am. The lightbulbs were popping all over the place. Wow - so THAT's why I do that. I already knew what was probably just genetics, but I also learned about what was me, what was me responding to nada, what was me modelling nada (plenty of fleas), etc. I thought A LOT about what I liked and what I didn't like so much and wanted to change. My takeaway was this: I am who I am and who I CHOOSE to be. However I got to be who I am doesn't really matter so much. Although a lot of negatives came out of being a KO (eg., low-esteem, perfectionism, working too hard to make others like me, fear of confrontation, control freakism, relationship issues, etc.), I've worked hard (and still am) on changing them. But, some positives came out, too. I'm very independent and self-sufficient, I am reliable and responsible, and I'm compassionate and empathetic to others (almost too much so). Those, I'll keep. I don't look that much like my nada (none of us kids do), but she was very attractive when she was young, and very feminine, but is nothing approaching attractive now. I'm more like her in mannerism and voice, but that's just genetics, and it's mine as much as hers, so I don't let it freak me out. I've been away from her long enough that I don't tend to mimic things she might say, etc. As for making choices based on what nada would or would not do - I think the knee-jerk tendency in all of us is to do whatever is the opposite. We want to rebel at all costs. Well, there's plenty that we SHOULD do the opposite of what our nadas did. However, we shouldn't do anything and everything simply because it is the opposite of what nada would have done or wanted. That isn't really choosing for ourselves, and in effect is still giving her passive control. It may also be denying ourselves something that we really want to do or is a part of who we are. If I want to learn how to paint, for example, I don't really care if my nada was an artist and wanted me to be one, too. It's mine to do, not hers. You don't have to throw away everything that you are just because it came from your nada. If you have a happy memory associated with something, then hold onto it. If something else has a bad association, then out with it. Again, you choose. Don't give that power to anyone else. You DON'T become your parents - you become who you CHOOSE to be. It takes work, but it IS possible. Hang in there. Suzy P.S. I think that meditation or any similar tool that helps you with mindfulness and self-awareness is indeed very beneficial. I'm glad it's helping you. > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > Anyone else feel this way? > Anyone else felt this way? > Thanks. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Walking to, I cried the other day, it was a deep cry, and while I was crying I felt just like my mother. I saw her crying in me, so yes this is a very real feeling. But sometimes when I smile, I feel my sister, or I raise my eyebrow I feel like this eyebrow raising is my brother or father's. The fact that we feel like our nadas makes the feeling more poignant, and sometimes makes us want to run the other way, but no matter what we do, we were born to them (if its your biological mother)and their genes are in us. Thinking about this reminds me about a book I have recently read about the " hologram theory " , which states that we are splintered parts of the same whole infinite " being " . Everything that is in us is in everyone else, and visa versa, only we can't always tune into the " everything " except those things that are in our immediate surroundings. There are other related metaphysical theories, about everyone being connected through " webs " etc... I don't know if this helps at all, but it surely takes the " edge " off it for me, when I think that yes, my mother is " in " me or I am " like " my mother, but so is the rest of the universe! Peace! Ubi > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > Anyone else felt this way? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Hang in there, . I am feeling quite low myself, and I just think there has to be a purpose to our suffering. All the most compassionate, most enlightened people started out in horrible circumstances. Not that I am advocating horrible circumstances... I am just trying to stay optimistic because I also feel so low right now. I guess I have a little of my non-father (married to nada for decades) in me; he taught me the ability to see positive in an abysmal situation. He's very good at that, you know. Sorry, I was trying to cheer you up. Guess I better just commiserate... Hugs WTH > > > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks, that was reassuring. I feel quite down right now. Your post reminded me that the work I do centers on helping disadvantaged people, to the point where some people ask me why I do that. So, yes, if I had grown up in a normal family, I probably would be much more selfish about my career plans. Instead, I am tremendously appreciated by people who feel privileged to have me around. I don't know about the rest of my life, but I would have to say I am not selfish at all. I am quite selfless. I volunteer and offer my skills in that capacity for free, which some friends have said I ought to charge for. I am by no means Mother Theresa. I have PTSD or panic or whatever it is, and I know I have really hurt people with the things I have said. I guess I am selfless as a penance for the guilt I feel for my PTSD. And I am not sure that this selflessness is really healthy. I put up with a lot more than other people do, I help people that other people would have long given up on, etc. Sometimes to my own detriment. Often to my own detriment. I am sort of like a welcome mat a lot of the time. So, yes, maybe there are some benefits to growin up in a BP FOO, who knew? Who knows, maybe it is just destruction and suffering? But that's too pointless for me as a human to fathom. All religions speak about suffering being there to bring us closer to the divine. But, the way I understand it, being closer to the divine means being happy and joyful and at peace, and I can't say that I am much closer to that??? I don't know. Whenever I do feel happier, I am usually trying to put the past behind me,and then what i am really doing is being like my non-father (married to nada for decades) and just shoving everything under the rug. I am made of the past,my past. How could I ever really let it go? How could I ever really completely live in the present? Is it really possible to free myself from these karmic struggles? WHenever I think I'm made a step forward,I backslide. My friend says, it's not really backsliding, because at least I am becoming conscious of the step backward... but, Lord, if this is the happiness that comes with being closer to the divine, I'm not so sure I would recommend it right now... HUGs WTH > > > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Is your nada my nada? That sounds like the typical childish thing my nada would say, to point out we do not have the same hair, wow. I can just see my nada saying that over and over, just like you describe it. That reminds me, that my hair is different from nada, I can focus on that next time I feel like I resemble her... WTH > > > > > > Dear Walking, > > > > I also resemble my mom physically, and I can't stand it, mostly because when I look at HER I can't stand what she has become. I am so worried that I will somehow turn into her, that I sometimes question things I've said, things I do, decisions I've made -- " Did I say/do/choose that because it's the 'right' thing, or because I'm thinking like HER? > > > > I'm hoping that the biggest saving grace is being vigilant about it as I get older! I know it's not all about me, and hope I won't forget that later.... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks for reminding me of the power of choice. I often forget that. Our selves and our whole lives are made of our choices, aren't they? I often become passive and don't actively make choices. I put up with whatever happens a lot longer than most people do. Thanks for reminding me that all of this IS my choice! WTH > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > Anyone else felt this way? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Walking, what you said about your friends noticing a change in you during your recent years of spiritual work makes me think you are making progress...maybe it just takes time? It's strange that growing up with such crazy selfish parents could create people who want to give to others like you are doing. I am sorry I couldn't write a more fully response to you earlier. There are times when the words just flow for me and I am able to say what is needed or see the right thing. Then there are times I'm just lost. I'm trying to find my way back right now again. One thought did pop up for me as you were writing about wanting to be in the present - I've found Adyashanti's teachings and methods very helpful for that. I know you already have a guru so you may be full up on spiritual guidance already, but you might find him interesting. I think a lot about karma too, a lot about the " why " . It just seems so perverse, so trap-like to be born into a such situation. I like to think it will all make sense one day...but who knows. The best we can do is try to enjoy and love to the degree that we are able. > > > > > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Thanks, , for reminding me to be patient. I am very frustrated right now, that my growth is not happening sooner, that I am not healed ALREADY. I guess I have this concept, that if I just worked hard enough at all of this, it would go away, and I could have a " normal " life. I was trying to put it all behind me. Then, I had the recent incidents that I described. It's making me realize that this is me. That I do have PTSD. That this is my life story, that there are parts of my personality that were created by this situation in which I grew up in. I have a hard time seeing that it is not all of me, and you reminded me earlier on that there is a soul underlying all of the surface trauma and PTSD, etc. There is also more to me than my PTSD. It's just so scary, when I have an episode of PTSD around people I just met, their reaction makes me feel like nada made me feel. The only thing nada saw of me was my PTSD. Whenever I would be triggered and lash out, nada would make a big drama about it. It was never a matter of helping me, or getting me to receive treatment, it was a matter of abusing me on top of my PTSD reaction. In fact, that was a large dynamic in the FOO for me. I was the problem in the FOO, because of my " Anger " . So, this is making me really sad, when people only see the PTSD side of me. I do have a lot more to offer the world, but many people do not want to stop and see the other sides of me beyond the PTSD. It's really hard, because that is an old hurt from nada, that my PTSD is my calling card, and all the rest of me is overlooked. I wish I could feel more of that, that my soul underlying all this is pure, and that my intentions are good. I am trying, but I just was rejected again by that man that I was dating, so it hurts again. THanks for reminding me to take time, to be patient. Thanks for reminding me that I have made progress, and that I continue to make progress. I mean, I am actually starting to understand what my triggers are. I need to accept the progress I am making, and take it one day at a time, I guess. It just feels overwhelming, all the issues I deal with, and they are not apparent issues. I mean, if you had someone with a physical disability, and someone rejected them, the person with the physical disability would be widely understood as to their pain and hurt. When you have emotional disabilities, the world shuts you out, and you are forced to shut up and stuff your feelings. So sad, thanks for the encouragement. WTH > > > > > > > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 I struggle too in celebrating the best and laying down the rest. Thank you all for sharing your paths. It is so helpful. I am angry that, after all I have been through, I feel like I will never fit in to the rest of the world. I feel my journey is so different from anyone's around me, with the exception of some of you on this board. This really hit home: " I think that a normal part of emotional development is learning self-awareness, and also learning to separate ourselves from our mother. With nadas, we weren't really allowed to go through that process in a normal way - or even allowed to learn to " be " ourselves or express our true emotions. So becoming aware of who we are and what we feel has come at a much later stage in life for many of us. Then, when we do, we have to walk through the mindfield of what it nada and what is us - without blowing ourselves up. " Walkingto – I love what you are saying. I am almost 5 years into learning of all of this. I am tired of being angry and a victim. I am searching to move on and find a deeper level of forgiveness. But I am tired of seeking my own soul for survival. I am tired of having to work so hard to save my own soul. I think I did a lot of soul searching very early in my life. Some how I knew from the time I can remember that I need to find my own way in life and save my own soul. I read the bible cover to cover at 14 years of age. I read a lot and, I think, very centered at a very young age. Now, I find I am tired of having to work so hard after already putting in so much work to save my soul. Yesterday I ran across a show (the drs) where a man was having shrap metal removed that had remained from his war injuries. I had an overwhelming image that just sat deep in my soul. I feel like I have shrap metal in my heart that I have learned to live with but I need to remove these negative remnants or scars of growing up in a bpd home now. Like a foreign object left in your body, my body learned to surround the foreign bodies in my heart and continue to function fairly well but now these foreign objects in my heart have come to the surface and are irritating me and they need to be removed now. I just feel worn down and wondering where I will find the energy to get this extrication done. patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Ubicaritas, which book are you referring to? I would love to read it, coincidentally someone was speaking about this very thing to me recently. I'd love to learn more. Hugs from HF > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > Thanks. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Hello WTH, the book I read is called the Holographic Universe by Talbot. The first few chapters are quite scientific, and even with a science background, it took me many weeks to digest this material, but it is very well explained and cross referenced to credible scientific research. All the best, Ubi > > > > > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > > > Anyone else felt this way? > > > > Thanks. > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 I'm derailing a bit, but was reading this thread and it made me remember how hard I used to try NOT to be like my mother when I was growing up. Like when I got my license, I forced myself to drive across bridges and to the other side of town (which my mother would never do because she was phobic about driving). I am 39 now and I have tried to take the things that were good about my mother and incorporate them in my life....like she was always a very meticulous housekeeper and so am I. Okay, well, that's all I can think of I do like her, lol....nevermind! In a message dated 10/22/2009 1:06:09 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time, walkingto_happiness@... writes: Thanks for reminding me of the power of choice. I often forget that. Our selves and our whole lives are made of our choices, aren't they? I often become passive and don't actively make choices. I put up with whatever happens a lot longer than most people do. Thanks for reminding me that all of this IS my choice! WTH > > > > Now that I am older, I am starting to look like nada. My body is looking more and more like nada's. > > I mentioned recently in loose conversation, that I don't want to become my mother, and someone who barely knows me said " you are, though, we all become our parents " > > Then, I recently suffered my little traumatic reaction/panic freak outs, (that I posted about), and one thing I learned from that is that BPD is a part of me. It is my story, as well, I was formed from it. > > > > How do you accept that this is part of you? Maybe this is why I didn't want to exist for most of my life, because I didn't want to be like nada in any way. I wanted to be the opposite of her, whatever she did or said I rebelled against, because I wanted my own existence. > > > > Now that I am not enmeshed with nada anymore, I realize more and more my own existence, but I also see that my own existence includes nada-like thinking and nada-like behaviors and nada-like perceptions of the world and nada-like a lot of stuff. > > > > I don't really like a lot of myself at all. > > > > Sometimes I throw away things that other people might keep, things that symbolize people or events that were meaningful to me. I have done this all of my life. It's like an attempt to control my own existence, to no longer exist, to root out all those parts of myself that won't win approval. I can no longer control my life all the time like this. It's getting old. I want to stop throwing away meaningful things, I would like to keep some keepsakes, like other people do. > > > > I have a lot of self-annihilation issues. Could it be because nada tried to annihilate me all the time, and I learned that this is the way to treat Walkingto? > > > > Anyone else feel this way? > > Anyone else felt this way? > > Thanks. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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