Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her love......HELP!!

[Guest guest]

,

I think it does get easier over time. My NC came with my mother's death. I

couldn't go NC when she was alive, but I did go to very limited contact.

Still, the guilt haunts me sometimes. But with therapy and time, my life is

getting easier.

In a message dated 10/12/2009 10:49:54 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

clairenewton49@... writes:

Hi Everybody,

It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well

as you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride

that wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5

months of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the

love of my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love,

but I miss her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little

girl again, who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world

without her moms guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hugs

x

[Guest guest]

Oh , I am sorry you are facing so much pain right now.

I wish I had words of wisdom or guidance for you. I don't know the situation

with your nada (was she mostly good/kind but had moments, or always unkind?)

but it could be that you are just used to having her around as part of your

" daily routine. " If she was good/kind/loving at many times, then I can

understand why you miss her so much.

For me, my nada was cruel/hurtful 80% of the time, ( and always when I needed

her most--she was NEVER there for me at my lowest points in life, used them

against me) I did go through this grieving process but then I force myself to

stop and think " what AM I missing? " I was so trained to be her emotional

scapegoat and to take her abuse, it was all I knew. So I guess I missed her

abuse because it was all she knew how to give and all I knew how to receive from

her. I'm not really sure how to explain it, I'm not at all good with putting

my feelings into words.

If your nada was mostly good and you have moved far, far away, perhaps there

will come a time when you want to initiate contact and have LC with her. Much

easier when she isn't close to where you live of course. But even then, if that

is the route you chose, you should tread slowly and carefully and don't open the

door too wide right away because with many nadas, when you open that door an

inch, they bash it open and you have no defenses.

This whole situation is sad. I think of that too, how sad it is that I never had

a mother and I never will. It's a bad place to be.

I wish I could offer you advice on getting through this but I'd say follow your

HEAD and then your heart on this one.

>

> Hi Everybody,

>

> It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well as

you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride that

wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

>

> Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5 months

of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it too,

although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the love of my mom

(nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love, but I miss her so

much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little girl again, who has

lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms guidance,

(EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

>

> Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have felt

this too, and does it get easier over time.

>

> Thanks so much for reading.

> Hugs

> x

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I too am sorry that you're hurting: grieving for your mother (as opposed to your

nada). It is sad to feel so alone and bereft. It does make it very difficult:

nada isn't all bad all the time.

My nada could be and can be very sweet and loving, mixed in with her rapid and

unpredictable mood swings, her inappropriate, frightening displays of anger, her

unstable, intense black-and-white thinking, her negatively skewed perceptions of

reality and her pathological narcissism.

I've read that there is nothing more addictive than " intermittent

reinforcement " ; its what keeps gamblers coming back to the gaming tables: its

because they win *sometimes.* Perhaps we hang in there and we keep trying to

please nada and keep trying to have a relationship with her because *sometimes*

she rewards us with kindness and motherliness.

All you can do is weather this passage. Grief and mourning do come in swells,

like waves: sometimes more intense, sometimes less intense. There's no getting

around it: remaining in " no contact " hurts, and resuming limited contact hurts.

Its a no-win situation.

Having a nada is a no-win situation.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi Everybody,

> >

> > It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well as

you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride that

wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

> >

> > Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5 months

of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it too,

although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the love of my mom

(nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love, but I miss her so

much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little girl again, who has

lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms guidance,

(EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

> >

> > Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

> >

> > Thanks so much for reading.

> > Hugs

> > x

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, , it does make sense. A lot of sense.

I too have moments that I feel weak and like I should " go back " but the truth

is, the pain will continue for me in a different way. I become extremely angry

inside when I am constantly put down, when she toys with my kids emotionally,

when she does her smear campaign (whether I am in contact with her, or not) I

can't go back to that anger so I stay NC. Even though it hurts. I think in time

my wounds will heal when I am away long enough from the abuse.

I too had to learn to live a different way without nada. I can't say it is easy

but I kept asking myself what the alternative was.

Your nada sounds a lot like mine with the constant putdowns. With my nada, she

knew I was sensitive and it hurt me terribly and she got off on that-it gave her

a sick little high.

I agree with you and it sounds horrible, but if my nada were dead I would be

able to grieve and move on without having her send flying monkeys constantly and

keep coming at me from every direction. I can't even begin to tell you how many

funerals I went to for friend's moms (read: MOMS--loving moms)and I cried for

them because not only did *I* like their mom, they were good loving moms and I

could never understand why God would take the good moms and leave the

predator/cruel/evil-nada here to keep hurting me.

Only you know what is best for you and your family and you need to follow your

gut on this one.

Annie is always able to sum things up so eloquently, and I really love this

analogy she wrote:

************************************

I've read that there is nothing more addictive than " intermittent

reinforcement " ; its what keeps gamblers coming back to the gaming tables: its

because they win *sometimes.* Perhaps we hang in there and we keep trying to

please nada and keep trying to have a relationship with her because *sometimes*

she rewards us with kindness and motherliness.

All you can do is weather this passage. Grief and mourning do come in swells,

like waves: sometimes more intense, sometimes less intense. There's no getting

around it: remaining in " no contact " hurts, and resuming limited contact hurts.

Its a no-win situation.

*********************

As always right on the money. Can't get around it no matter what you do. Gotta

go through it and deal with the pain. I know it is hard but being in the

midst of it now (I'm NC a year) I think it is the only way.

> >

> > Hi Everybody,

> >

> > It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well as

you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride that

wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

> >

> > Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5 months

of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it too,

although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the love of my mom

(nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love, but I miss her so

much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little girl again, who has

lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms guidance,

(EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

> >

> > Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

> >

> > Thanks so much for reading.

> > Hugs

> > x

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

Annie's insightful (as always) perspective makes a lot of sense. The

" intermittent reinforcement " sure seems to fit what so many of us get caught by.

Another thought to add to the mix is that maybe, now that you've had time away

from your nada and can fully separate the reality of what she was from what you

wanted/needed in a mother -- you're finally able to grieve for real for the

mother you've never had.

I did experience something like that: Although I have been physically distant

from my nada since I was 19, it was years before I came to understand her

neediness as illness. I longed for and grieved for a mother, but she never

really was there for me. Not until I recently came to understand the depth of

her illness (learned about BPD/NPD) and that her special brand of mothering was

actually abuse, did I truly grieve for what I never had. It hurt. A lot. But

it did get better.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but I do believe it will get better for you.

It takes time.

Suzy

[Guest guest]

Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

feeling.  I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

sad, so distant, so ALONE.

I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come to

accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to my

mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that I will

and am like her, without me realising it.

As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues, etc,

then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

Thanks again Jackie.

Love x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, October 12, 2009 5:38:05 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

 

, this is ALL perfectly normal for you to be going through !! It IS a

grieving process...you are grieving the mother you never had, and the

realization that you really ARE alone... it is scary, but your a big girl

now, with a son of your own who needs you...you really dont need a

mother...you never had one to begin with, so really, nothing has changed

except that now you KNOW you are out of that unhealthy relationship. Hang

in there, it WILL get better soon !!

Jackie

Hi Everybody,

It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well as

you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride

that wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5 months

of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the love

of my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love, but

I miss her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little

girl again, who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world

without her moms guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hugs

x

__._,_..___

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[Guest guest]

Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

Jackie

Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

sad, so distant, so ALONE.

I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to

my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that

I will and am like her, without me realising it.

As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

Thanks again Jackie.

Love x

[Guest guest]

Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst fear,

then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to start therpay

to get my thought processes re-programmed.

I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old son, as

me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it has came

to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now I know

that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband is great.

Again is this normal for KO's.

Thanks x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 6:11:52 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

 

Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

Jackie

Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

sad, so distant, so ALONE.

I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to

my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that

I will and am like her, without me realising it.

As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

Thanks again Jackie.

Love x

[Guest guest]

Oh (((()))),

Listen to your hubby and Jackie! It would be almost impossible for it not to

have affected you in some way. You may be flea-infested, girl, but that does

NOT mean you have BPD. The fact that you even think to question your mental

healthiness, that it matters to you, that you are able to see and articulate

your feelings and traits - they all speak to just the opposite. BPs never look

within - they can't see themselves as they truly are - and they never ever think

there's anything wrong with their " mind. "

As for the " well my mom always told me that we are very very alike " - that's

just her voodoo projection - don't buy it for a minute. It's possible to look

like your nada, sound like your nada, have mannerisms like your nada, etc., but

that's just genetics - you are NOT your nada.

Suzy

[Guest guest]

Hi . If you wee to get BPD, you would already have it by now....they

are born this way, and it's very evident by the time they are teens and

young adults ! Listen to your heart/gut, it will tell you how to manage

your son. 5 can be a difficult age for kids...they want their

independence..they want to try things their way

Jackie

Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst

fear, then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to

start therpay to get my thought processes re-programmed.

I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old son,

as me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it has

came to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now

I know that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband

is great.

Again is this normal for KO's.

Thanks x

[Guest guest]

I worry about the very same thing. I tend to be very dependent on my

husband and my therapist. I worry this is a BPD trait. My husband went with me

to therapy today and we did a 'dialog' of sorts and I am hoping things are

going in a better direction, but lord have mercy it's hard. I am determined

to stick it out until the end.

In a message dated 10/12/2009 5:52:12 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

xrisacct@... writes:

> I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont

come to

> accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar

to my

> mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry

that I will

> and am like her, without me realising it.

It's just projection. My nada did the same thing, we have very little in

common.

>

> As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity

issues, etc,

> then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

you have a good man!

[Guest guest]

,

On the issue of parenting, I found the periods when my son was right around your

son's age and then later in his teens (now 15) that I had the most difficulty

with him. Okay, those periods are difficult transition times for kids in any

event - and he has other challenges (ADHD), but what became remarkablly clear to

me was the similarities between my immature son's behaviors and my nada's - and

I had to work really hard not to let them trigger me all over the place (even

then I didn't always succeed). The irony is that having a tantrum prone,

hedonistic, self-centered, emotionally immature nada actually trained me for

parenthood - and not ANY of the unwelcome, " expert " advice she was so ready to

dispense.

I'll say to you what my therapist said to me. Stop letting your nada " rent

space in your head. " Evict her.

Suzy

[Guest guest]

" lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms guidance "

I went NC with my mother a few months ago and I'm also in the process of

divorcing my bpd husband. You just described perfectly how I feel. I'm

completely lost. Thank you for putting it into words.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, October 12, 2009 2:36:57 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

,

I think it does get easier over time. My NC came with my mother's death. I

couldn't go NC when she was alive, but I did go to very limited contact.

Still, the guilt haunts me sometimes. But with therapy and time, my life is

getting easier.

In a message dated 10/12/2009 10:49:54 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

clairenewton49@ yahoo.com writes:

Hi Everybody,

It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well

as you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride

that wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5

months of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the

love of my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love,

but I miss her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little

girl again, who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world

without her moms guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hugs

x

[Guest guest]

Thanks, sorry to hear of your mothers death.  It is so so so hard, my emotions

are all over the place, I have been NC for almost 5 months now, and I feel so

kinda like LOST, does that make sense???  Even though I hated being controlled

and abused by her, I miss it in a weird sort of way, I miss the known the

security........well if you can call it that, see its all I have known.

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 7:36:57 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love.......HELP!!

 

,

I think it does get easier over time. My NC came with my mother's death. I

couldn't go NC when she was alive, but I did go to very limited contact.

Still, the guilt haunts me sometimes. But with therapy and time, my life is

getting easier.

In a message dated 10/12/2009 10:49:54 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

clairenewton49@ yahoo.com writes:

Hi Everybody,

It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well

as you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride

that wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5

months of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the

love of my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love,

but I miss her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little

girl again, who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world

without her moms guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hugs

x

[Guest guest]

Hey no worries at all, Im here for you anytime you need to chat.  I cant

imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment, not only having to deal with

the " oh have I done the right thing going NC from my mom " , all the guilt you

carry around, because throughout YOU have been the parent, you are also dealing

with a divorce too, my heart goes out to you.

I can imagine that you are so scared, you dont know who you are, whether you are

doing the right thing, ifs buts and maybes, you cant see a future, you feel just

lost and empty........

Love and hugs

xxx

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 8:05:56 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

 

" lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms guidance "

I went NC with my mother a few months ago and I'm also in the process of

divorcing my bpd husband. You just described perfectly how I feel. I'm

completely lost. Thank you for putting it into words.

____________ _________ _________ __

From: " Hummingbird1298@ aol.com " <Hummingbird1298@ aol.com>

To: WTOAdultChildren1@ yahoogroups. com

Sent: Mon, October 12, 2009 2:36:57 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP! !

,

I think it does get easier over time. My NC came with my mother's death. I

couldn't go NC when she was alive, but I did go to very limited contact.

Still, the guilt haunts me sometimes. But with therapy and time, my life is

getting easier.

In a message dated 10/12/2009 10:49:54 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

clairenewton49@ yahoo.com writes:

Hi Everybody,

It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well

as you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride

that wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5

months of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the

love of my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love,

but I miss her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little

girl again, who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world

without her moms guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

Thanks so much for reading.

Hugs

x

[Guest guest]

When my Sister became a mother, she used our nada as a " negative example " for

how to parent. Sister tried very hard to be aware of her own fleas and to avoid

subjecting her boy to things like harsh criticism, to unrealistic expectations

(or to deep shame when ridiculous expectations were not met), to a shifting

quagmire of unpredictable moodiness, to a negative world-view or self-view, to

narcissistic demands, to frightening rages, terrifying physical punishment and

other abuses that she and I endured.

My Sister always treated her boy as a person, not an object. She put his needs

first, before her own. She wanted him to have friends, have interests, and as

he grew up to have a life outside of the mother-son relationship.

He turned out great. We are so proud of him: he is a responsible, intelligent,

hard-working college grad. He's always had a sweet nature, a loving heart and a

great sense of humor, and is now a not-so-newlywed (both Sister and I love the

young woman he chose to marry; she is adorable) and they're expecting their

first child toward the end of this month!

So, the damage and trauma done by a personality-disordered, mentally ill parent

or parents can be overcome, if the child is lucky enough to have dodged the pd

bullet herself or himself. My Sister was not only a good-enough mother, she was

a wonderful mother and she's going to be a terrific grandmother. I am so proud

of her, too.

-Annie

>

> Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

>

> I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst fear,

then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to start therpay

to get my thought processes re-programmed.

>

> I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old son, as

me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it has came

to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now I know

that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband is great.

>

> Again is this normal for KO's.

>

> Thanks x

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 6:11:52 PM

> Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

>

>  

> Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

> mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

> nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

> immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

> unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

> personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

> traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

>

> Jackie

>

> Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

> feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

> sad, so distant, so ALONE.

>

> I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

> to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to

> my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that

> I will and am like her, without me realising it.

>

> As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

> etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

>

> Thanks again Jackie.

>

> Love x

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, I'm curious how your nephew feels about his grand-nada?

> >

> > Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

> >

> > I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst

fear, then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to start

therpay to get my thought processes re-programmed.

> >

> > I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old son,

as me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it has

came to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now I

know that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband is

great.

> >

> > Again is this normal for KO's.

> >

> > Thanks x

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: sleddog <sleddog@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 6:11:52 PM

> > Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

> >

> > Â

> > Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

> > mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

> > nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

> > immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

> > unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

> > personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

> > traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

> > feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

> > sad, so distant, so ALONE.

> >

> > I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

> > to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to

> > my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that

> > I will and am like her, without me realising it.

> >

> > As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

> > etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

> >

> > Thanks again Jackie.

> >

> > Love x

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing a happy-ending story...there is life after nada.

I find myself making parenting decisions based on what nada would do. I would

much rather have had a role model mother but have to parent opposite on how I

was raised. I make mistakes--tons of them, but am always aware and trying to be

the best mom I can be. Today my cousin called and talked to one of my kids,

and when I got on the phone she went on and on about how great my kids were and

how blessed I was to have them. I got a lump in my throat. I'm always

questioning my parenting (the perfectionist in me--did I do this right? Are my

kids happy? Am I a good mom?) and with my low self-esteem, hearing it from

another person helps me feel better about myself.

Kudos to your sister for rising above and to your nephew for becoming a fine

young man.

> >

> > Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

> >

> > I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst

fear, then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to start

therpay to get my thought processes re-programmed.

> >

> > I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old son,

as me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it has

came to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now I

know that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband is

great.

> >

> > Again is this normal for KO's.

> >

> > Thanks x

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: sleddog <sleddog@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 6:11:52 PM

> > Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

> >

> >  

> > Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

> > mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

> > nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

> > immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

> > unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

> > personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

> > traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> > Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

> > feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

> > sad, so distant, so ALONE.

> >

> > I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

> > to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to

> > my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that

> > I will and am like her, without me realising it.

> >

> > As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

> > etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

> >

> > Thanks again Jackie.

> >

> > Love x

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Our nada was (most of the time) much nicer to her grandson than she ever was to

us, her two daughters. For the first half of his life, he had very little

face-time his grandparents; Sister didn't live near them. When Sister did move

closer to our nada, her boy was already 14 (or was it 15?) but my Sister

shielded him from her own ongoing problems with our mother until he became an

older teen. He himself began to notice how critical and demanding his

grandmother was to his mother, and that the stress was taking its toll. His

mother finally confided to him that his grandmother has borderline personality

disorder.

About 18 months ago when he was engaged to be married and his grandnada began to

be even more harsh, critical and demanding with his mother my Nephew said (and

I'm paraphrasing, I wasn't there) something like: " Well, if grandma threatens

suicide again, I guess we'll just have to take her in for an emergency

psychiatric evaluation. If the bpd is making her more unstable then she needs

to be under a doctor's care and on meds, but if she's just using suicide threats

as a manipulation, winding up in a psych ward for observation should stop that

cold. "

He's a smart guy (interested in the medical field and has taken classes in

psychology among other things) and he's loyal to his mom; grandnada's wiles

don't work on him.

He doesn't hate her; he's said he feels sorry for her that she's got a

personality disorder but he doesn't feel obligated to cater to her because of

it. He's pretty rational and centered young man.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hehehe, Jackie you sure we are not sister LOL!!!

> > >

> > > I know when I think rational I know I dont have BPD, but it is my worst

fear, then again my anxiety wreaks havoc with my mind, I cannot wait to start

therpay to get my thought processes re-programmed.

> > >

> > > I am noticing that I am having parenting difficulties with my 5 yr old

son, as me being blinded by my nada have listened to nada in the past when it

has came to , I mean thats we do isnt it we get advice from our moms, ok now

I know that it was bad advice I do struggle as to what to do, but my husband is

great.

> > >

> > > Again is this normal for KO's.

> > >

> > > Thanks x

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ________________________________

> > > From: sleddog <sleddog@>

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 6:11:52 PM

> > > Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

> > >

> > > Â

> > > Hi . You may have personality traits like your nada, that does NOT

> > > mean you have BPD !! My nada has a very dry sense of humor, so do I. My

> > > nada can be very stubborn, so can I.. my nada can come up with a comeback

> > > immediately when someone says something , so can I..my nada is impatient ,

> > > unfortunately, so am I ( I do try and work on this LOL) these are

> > > personality traits my nada has that I have too...they are not BPD

> > > traits...big difference :-) Your husband is right, listen to him !!

> > >

> > > Jackie

> > >

> > > Jackie, I couldnt have said that better myself, that is exactly how I am

> > > feeling. I am grieving for the mom that I never had, I feel so anxious, so

> > > sad, so distant, so ALONE.

> > >

> > > I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont

come

> > > to accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar

to

> > > my mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry

that

> > > I will and am like her, without me realising it.

> > >

> > > As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues,

> > > etc, then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone

through.

> > >

> > > Thanks again Jackie.

> > >

> > > Love x

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks for that.  Yes my nada has used so much projection when I think about

it, but she is also very much a contraction in terms too!!!

I cant wait to start therapy, to get me on the right track, my husband is the

best and he has the patience of a saint to put up with me, I dont leave him

alone, I constantly second guess myself and expect my husband to have all the

answers, this is because I dont believe in myself.

x

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 12, 2009 10:51:35 PM

Subject: Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

 

> I have so many worries, that I am like her, what if with therapy I dont come

to

> accept life etc, I worry I might also have BPD traits, as I am similar to my

> mom, well my mom always told me that we are very very alike, I worry that I

will

> and am like her, without me realising it.

It's just projection. My nada did the same thing, we have very little in common.

>

> As I do suffer from low self esteem, abandonment issues, identity issues, etc,

> then my husband assures me this is normal for what I have gone through.

you have a good man!

[Guest guest]

The success stories with subsequent generations are so encouraging to hear.

That's just so cool, Annie. Thanks for sharing. Plus, you're gonna be a great

auntie!

Suzy

[Guest guest]

Don't know if that's always true, but it sure is nice to hear! You know that

saying, " What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger " - well that's probably

it! Though my husband would probably say it's a good does of stubborness.

Hang in there. You have some stuff to work through, but you will. Having the

guidance of a therapist and a good support system really does help.

Best,

Suzy

[Guest guest]

- I saw your note about having problems with your son - no matter what

else is going on, this is the time when he's changing from " your baby boy " into

a school-age boy. He's probably in kindergarten already, when little boys have

to learn to sit quietly - it's tougher for boys than it is for girls, in

general. So if he can hold it together in school, by the time you get him back,

he's ready to run a little wild, most likely. What worked best for us was to

let our son (who also has ADD, but this applies across the board, I think) - get

outside as much as possible. A park, the back yard, running with the dog,

playing swordfights or army - these will all exercise a little boy's body and

imagination, and calm him down for the evening. Whatever you do, don't let him

plant himself in front of the TV or video games. It's not good for his brain to

have that much " instant stimuli " - he needs to learn to control his focus and

his growing body. Running around outside will do that. If you're in the city,

maybe an afternoon gym program would do the trick. Little boys have a lot more

energy than we do (oh, if we could only harness it...) and if they're not

allowed to " run themselves out " it just erupts in other ways. If he's not an

active child, he can still hike, or walk the dog, or ride a bike, or dig in the

garden - anything to let his brain decompress and work those muscles. If he

gets the chance to run around and " whoop it up " a little after school, you might

find that he behaves better for you. -

>

> ,

>

> On the issue of parenting, I found the periods when my son was right around

your son's age and then later in his teens (now 15) that I had the most

difficulty with him. Okay, those periods are difficult transition times for

kids in any event - and he has other challenges (ADHD), but what became

remarkablly clear to me was the similarities between my immature son's behaviors

and my nada's - and I had to work really hard not to let them trigger me all

over the place (even then I didn't always succeed). The irony is that having a

tantrum prone, hedonistic, self-centered, emotionally immature nada actually

trained me for parenthood - and not ANY of the unwelcome, " expert " advice she

was so ready to dispense.

>

> I'll say to you what my therapist said to me. Stop letting your nada " rent

space in your head. " Evict her.

>

> Suzy

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to this topic. After being NC for a couple of months, my nada has

reached out to me and we have started talking. Ever since, my life has been

nonstop angst and am thinking of going NC again. There are still the

manipulation, lies, and toxic behavior.

Your nada will not change. I am so stressed having her in my life and wonder if

I will ever have my stress free life that I had when I was NC.

AJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: Missing Nada and yearning for her

love......HELP!!

>

> I cant wait to start therapy, to get me on the right track, my husband is the

> best and he has the patience of a saint to put up with me, I dont leave him

> alone, I constantly second guess myself and expect my husband to have all the

> answers, this is because I dont believe in myself.

>

My honey does that too. She is getting better. So will you!

[Guest guest]

> > >

> > > Hi Everybody,

> > >

> > > It has been a while since I last posted, hope you are all ok and as well

as you can be. My emotions have been up and down like a rollercoaster ride that

wont stop, some days are great some days are not so great.

> > >

> > > Its been over 5 months since going NC and it feels like the longest 5

months of my life, I've relocated and my life is coming together like I want it

too, although I am so scared and fearful, I am really yearning for the love of

my mom (nada), I know deep down that I will never receive this love, but I miss

her so much, I am grieving, I feel so empty, I feel like a little girl again,

who has lost her mom and doesnt know how to act in the world without her moms

guidance, (EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CONTROL!)

> > >

> > > Please could somebody comfort me, and advise me if they are or ever have

felt this too, and does it get easier over time.

> > >

> > > Thanks so much for reading.

> > > Hugs

> > > x

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >