Re: Dana, me living @ home, meeting for lunch

[Guest guest]

Amy,

I knew you weren't happy, but I didn't know it was that bad. You poor

thing...I now what you mean about escaping home the first time around...and I

can't imagine what it would be like to have to live at home again. I spent 5

days with my parents right after the surgery for my EP...and I was shocked at

how much I have changed since leaving home..thank god..and how much they

hadn't. It was scary. Not that I don't love my family, but they are so

different from I am. I left home the day I turned 18, and never looked back

as far as living there again. I just hate things are so miserable for you. Is

there no way you can get your place in ? I mean you realize now it was

a mistake, so can you do anything to change it? It would be hard enough to

have my partner gone much less be stuck at home with my parents. Do you have

transportation? Your own car or access to one? I was thinking we could maybe

meet halfway and have a long lunch or if you don't have a way to get out I

might could find a way to have a business trip that way. Hang in there...and

when is your DH supposed to be coming back?

Dana

[Guest guest]

Dana,

I didn't realize that living at home was so awful until I tried it again.

Actually, right before it was time to move, I started to remember everything

(I guess I blocked some things). Things that scared when I told him.

He still thought that everything would be okay. That things would have

changed since I'm older now. The only thing that has changed is that I'm

seeing things more clearly now, which is not a good thing. I actually sat

down today and wrote in my journal about all of this. And, like I said, I've

never been happy here. But I never realized how unhappy I was. When I was

16, I drank so much that I had a reputation as an alcoholic. And when I

stopped that (at parties anyway--always had the stash in my room) I just

moved on to marijuana. It wasn't until I met that I was truly happy,

without drinking or smoking. Anyway, I guess I'm babbling a bit here. Where

was I? Oh, yeah. I COULD move, but I have to save money for to come

home for 30 days in February. I checked into it and a ticket is $1600, round

trip. That doesn't allow any time for getting my own place. Not if I want

to see him then, anyway. He has to do a year over there, and he'll be back

in August.

******Amy******

wife to , my wonderful army man

mommy to earth angel (6/18/97)

and two angel babies (6/98 and 7/99)

[Guest guest]

With all of the complaining that I am doing about living at home, I wanted to

clarify things. I do love my parents. And I really appreciate them

extending their home to me and my daughter. The problem is just that this

was a bad decision, one that I wish I could take back. Living at home was

hard enough the first 17 years, and this one is going to be much worse. But

I wanted to make sure that I did mention how much I love my parents.

******Amy******

wife to , my wonderful army man

mommy to earth angel (6/18/97)

and two angel babies (6/98 and 7/99)

[Guest guest]

Amy,

Yea, that's a pretty expensive ticket so I see how that could keep you from

being able to afford to move. Geez, I hate that you are stuck somewhere that

is so unhealthy for you (emotionally speaking). I always feel so weird after

I go home for a short visit and when I spent 5 days there I felt like I would

go crazy. I had to call my DP everyday sometimes 3 times to day just to

reassure me that I had still had a life outside. It was completely bizarre,

and I know that you don't even have that luxury with your DP being halfway

across the world.

So that means holidaze and everything with your family?? YIKES. I know you

mentioned you had a therapist before, have you been able to find one in

? I guess that might be a start to at least give you a sense of

stability while you are there. Sometimes it is can be a lifeline. I say that

as I am a therapist who works with abused and neglected children...(not that

this in necessarily your case) but sometimes it just helps to have an

objective support person to help you through it, especially since you are in

such an unhappy situation. Please don't think I am suggesting you " need "

therapy, but it might be helpful at least for awhile.

Dana

[Guest guest]

Dana,

Don't worry. I realize that I need therapy. That is how I finally got into

it. We went in for marriage counseling, and through sessions we learned

(well, my therapist and I) that is was all due to my depression. Which makes

alot of sense. We were fine until I had my first ectopic, bringing back all

of the funky feelings I had before I met him. And the therapy helped alot.

I have tried to find a new therapist here. I had an appt with one on Tuesday

at 11, but I sat there until 1 and no one bothered to explain to me what was

going on and they were rude to me for having to leave. So I am on a quest

for a new one already. Hopefully the next one I choose will turn out better.

Amy

*married to my army man,

*mommy to (6/97)

and two angel babies (6/98, 7/99)

[Guest guest]

Amy,

I wish I had the words to say that might make this all bearable but of course

you know I don't. I read your other post, and I know exactly (well close) to

that feeling of growing up never being good enough. In fact, when I decided

to go to college for my BA they told me I would never make it. But when I

graduated later with my MS you should have heard them bragging that they

never had any doubt. It's incredible how we never outgrow that need to pleas

our parents, and any sort of " failure " can bring it all home. I use the term

" failure " rather loosely as in the fact that I didn't tell my parents I had

an EP only that I had some emergency " female " surgery as I couldn't bear the

thought of them thinking I couldn't even do that right.

I love me parents very much, as I feel they also love me. I have been able to

move past the need (in some ways) of craving their approval. But I know that

I will never be as " accepted " as my sister for no other reason than my choice

in life partners. But I also know that I have to live and love as I see right

for me. I know that no matter what they think or feel about me I am who I am

and that's OK with me.

I want you to know that I am thinking about you daily and sending all the

positive thoughts and prayers your way. I know it must be very difficult to

be dealing with parents (family) with your DH so far away. You have found

unconditional acceptance in this group and know that in the end..you'll be

away from there in your home with your own family and this will all be so far

behind you.

Dana

[Guest guest]

,

The military does do hops. But they are not as sure a thing as a buying a

ticket. He could try to get on one and end up being stuck there an extra

week bc of trouble getting on one. He may be able to find a ticket that

costs less if he goes on post to look for it. We'll have to see. If not, I

think we may go with the hop. The chances of him getting on one are pretty

good. And it is $1300 less. I can't work, bc I don't have anyone I trust to

watch . And I'm not going to shove her off on some stranger while

she is still trying to understand her Dad being gone. And I don't have

housing on post anymore. We gave it up when he left. I could've kept it

since I had it before he left, but I can't get it back bc he's not stationed

there anymore. So it seems that I will be stuck here until he gets back

Amy

*married to my army man,

*mommy to (6/97)

and two angel babies (6/98, 7/99)

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry your having such a tough time at home, I do apprieciate how tough

it is going back to leave at home. When Rob was away last year I went and

stayed at home for about seven weeks over the summer, as much as I love my

parents I was itching to get back to my own home at the end of it!! I also

had the advantage that my younger brother and sister(22 & 18 then) were both

living at home so I wasn't stuck with just my parents. I think it's

hurrendous that you have to pay for to get a flight back, when Rob was

in Ascension for 6 months last year he could only take his R & R on island,

but if he'd been somewhere where he could come back the army would have

paid. As it was I went over there to see him, the British forces has an

indulgence system whereby if there are any spare seats left on military

flights you can pay to fill them up. To get down to Ascension,( which for

anyone who doesn't know, is in the middle of the South Atlantic!!) it cost

me £37 there and £37 back. Does the American army not have a similar system?

As far as parents treating siblings differently, I think we've just got to

remember that our parents aren't perfect and make mistakes, and make a pact

to ourselves that when our children have siblings(and they will!!) that we

will endevour to treat them all equally. As there's 7 years between me and

my little sister, it's a;ways really weird going home and seeing how

different they are with her. My parents were always very strict with me I

had to tell them where I was going who with what time I'd be back etc. was

never allowed to have boyfriends stay over and had to work for every penny I

had. But my parents are completly different with my little sister, she goes

out, and comes back whenever she wants, constantly asks them for money and

gets it!! She was also allowed to have her boyfriend of a week stay over in

her room!! Their logic behind this was that they let my brother's girlfriend

stay over in his room, slightly different situation my brother was 22 at the

time and had been with his girlfriend for 2 years, and lived together at uni

anyway!! Don't they make you mad!! Would there be any possibilty of you

getting a job, perhaps just up till Christmas and then you could save some

extra money, pay for s ticket and look at moving home in the new year?

Do you still have an army quarter somewhere? Talk to you soon, sorry if I'm

babbling, and organizing your life!!!!

Re: Dana, me living @ home, meeting for lunch

> Dana,

>

> I didn't realize that living at home was so awful until I tried it again.

> Actually, right before it was time to move, I started to remember

everything

> (I guess I blocked some things). Things that scared when I told

him.

> He still thought that everything would be okay. That things would have

> changed since I'm older now. The only thing that has changed is that I'm

> seeing things more clearly now, which is not a good thing. I actually sat

> down today and wrote in my journal about all of this. And, like I said,

I've

> never been happy here. But I never realized how unhappy I was. When I

was

> 16, I drank so much that I had a reputation as an alcoholic. And when I

> stopped that (at parties anyway--always had the stash in my room) I just

> moved on to marijuana. It wasn't until I met that I was truly

happy,

> without drinking or smoking. Anyway, I guess I'm babbling a bit here.

Where

> was I? Oh, yeah. I COULD move, but I have to save money for to

come

> home for 30 days in February. I checked into it and a ticket is $1600,

round

> trip. That doesn't allow any time for getting my own place. Not if I

want

> to see him then, anyway. He has to do a year over there, and he'll be

back

> in August.

>

> ******Amy******

> wife to , my wonderful army man

> mommy to earth angel (6/18/97)

> and two angel babies (6/98 and 7/99)

>

>

>

>

>