Is it too much anger? Is it panic? Is it anxiety?

[Guest guest]

Hi friends,

I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also had

thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of closure

this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and not dwell

on the past anymore...

And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with my

computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers. They

did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't use

my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had several

dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me into his

place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of myself, I

thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will finally

have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I totally went

crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was not able to

be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I felt lost

and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my familiar

environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his environment, I

did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or fight? So,

anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite that much, but a

lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing to do with me

anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from being

my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know what

it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known me

for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and I

go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people who

suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present situation

merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the present.

So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that sounds

bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about 90%

of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's really

hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and regimented

life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun and it's

not easy and it hurts like hell.

What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks for

years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient with

her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally. I

have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also am

not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in panic

attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am in

fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take the

things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really lonely

existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to do!!!???

Help, please.

BIG HUGS

[Guest guest]

Walking,

When I return to a traumatic state, it gives me a very strange feeling.  I feel

unable to think, and the thoughts I have seem distorted, like I am biased toward

particular thoughts that are not even true.  My emotions are strange and out of

proportion to the event at hand.  It is a little like depression in that

depression starts to paint everything with gloom even when everything is fine,

except the overlay is different and more complicated when it's about trauma. 

It's not just that things are bleak.  I can't even describe it, really.

I wonder if that is what happened to you--if having the computer people not take

care of your needs and having the mounting pressure of having a job you were

unable to do without a functional computer reminded you of something else and

hurtled you back into a world of danger and overwhelming emotions.

When that happens to me, I try basically just to do nothing, to delay any

decisions that need to be made and to not think about anything more complicated

than what to have for dinner because if I start cogitating, I'll probably just

start thinking the world will end and I need to build a bomb shelter or

something equally ridiculous.  The feeling always goes away, although it does

usually take a period of just being in that strange emotion for a while, and

just observing it for it to pass.  As it starts to clear, I will sometimes

realize what it is that's actually bothering me and then I can deal with those

feelings directly.

In the short term, I try to do a lot of small things that are grounding--because

I recognize that part of what is happening is dissociation.  I pay attention to

my breathing, and put my feet flat on the floor, I tell myself five things each

I can see, smell, hear, and touch, and I look for objects of a certain color. 

It helps slightly, but not a lot.

I don't think I'll ever be " normal. "   I won't ever, I think, just be able to

forget about the way I grew up.  It is like having been a refugee or having

survived a war.  It is too terrible to simply forget and move on from that.  I

think my hope is just that it won't impede my life, that it will make it

different, but not less satisfying.

All I can really suggest is therapy and more therapy and time, plus being really

nice to yourself.  I don't know if there's any evidence that psychotropics

change your brain chemistry permanently.  But who knows?  Neurontin can be

helpful, I think, with some of the issues you describe.  Sometimes medication

can just take the edge off of things so that it's easier to do the talk-therapy

part without getting overwhelmed.

Take care,

Ashana

Yahoo! India has a new look. Take a sneak peek http://in.yahoo.com/trynew

[Guest guest]

Are you in counseling? I ask because I have struggled a lot with some of the

things you are talking about, and counseling has helped me tremendously. It has

taken 2 years, but I am finally MUCH more in control of my reactions. For me, it

wasn't having blow-ups so much as crying and taking things super personally.

When I was angry, frustrated, hurt, you name it: tears. I am now finally at the

point where if someone at work is rude to me or gets upset with me (which

happens to all of us from time to time), I can breathe, stay calm, really hear

them, think about how I want to react, and then (usually) calmly respond.

Things are so much better than they were.

Do you find yourself to be a self-saboteur? I certainly am one, and I find

myself wondering if that may have something to do with what happened at your

job. I frequently would do things to get myself fired (never worked, though!

lol) such as: calling in sick a lot even when I wasn't sick, slacking off even

though it was boring to do so, gossiping, etc. I went back to college and in my

FINAL QUARTER, it took every ounce of strength I had to not quit. I was doing

well, things were fine, it was slightly stressful and that was all it took, part

of my brain was trying to convince me to drop out. I thank God I had my friends

and counselor keeping me thinking clearly or I might have done it.

The main issue I think I have in common with you is when it comes to

relationships. I found it interesting that this blow up happened after you were

intimate. For me, the freak outs would occur when I felt very close to the man,

when I felt like this could really be going somewhere. Sometimes that was

triggered by physical intimacy, sometimes it was triggered by something they

said. My last relationship ended in the summer of 2007. Things were going

really well, I truly feel like he was the first man I ever REALLY loved and felt

safe with. What made it all go bad was: he said he loved me. Within a week, I

had destroyed our relationship and pushed him away permanently. He is now

married to someone else, and I still miss him thought its getting better. I

have been single (by choice) since, because I wanted to make sure I never did

that again, as by that time it was such a pattern for me. My counselor believes

it comes from several things:

My parents had never modeled a loving male/female relationship for me, so

fighting and then pretending nothing ever happened was " the norm. "

I am afraid of rejection. When someone gets so close that if they were to reject

me it would hurt, I reject THEM so they can't reject me.

I have extremely low confidence and self-esteem. I believe that until recently

" self-hate " would be a realistic term to describe my feelings towards myself. I

felt like I was unloveable, and if I'm unlovable to the point that even my own

mom can't love me, then why would anyone else? I felt that in order to be liked,

let alone loved, I needed to be perfect. After all, the only time my mom was

ever pleased with me or loving towards me was when I was smiling and pretending

everything was perfect and happy. The minute I was sad, angry, frustrated, etc,

there was something wrong with me and she wanted me to be away from her. So why

would a man love me? Surely the moment I'm not happy and perfect he will hate

me like she does. So I think I was " testing " them to an extent...to see how

ugly I could act and still be liked or loved. The really sick part is that when

a man DID put up with my drama, I decided he was " a wimp " or " desperate " and

then I lost all respect and attraction to them and rejected them.

So...its really complex and it takes a lot of time, reflection, and HELP to

figure out the whys behind what we do and to then figure out how to change. I

believe that staying single while I figured this all out was the best decision I

have ever made. I am at a point now where I believe I will be able to be

healthy in a relationship. I also have noticed that my anger/crying has gotten

better as I have stopped hating myself. Another result is that I have stopped

binge eating...I basically have stopped trying to PROVE to myself that I am

ugly, unworthy, unlovable, unstable, a crybaby, etc.

I know what I have just posted is a lot of " me, me, me " but I feel like support

that you are not alone is the best I can offer. I truly believe in therapy. It

can take a lot of work to find the right counselor, but once he/she is found,

the change can be so fulfilling. In the meantime, just try not to beat yourself

up too much about what you have done in the past or its just one more reason to

feel bad about yourself...which only makes things worse. Learn from the past

but don't torture yourself with it.

I hope someone comes on with better advice than I was able to offer. Hang in

there.

>

> Hi friends,

> I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

>

> And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

>

> What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with my

computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers. They

did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't use

my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

>

> Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had several

dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me into his

place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of myself, I

thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will finally

have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I totally went

crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was not able to

be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I felt lost

and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my familiar

environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his environment, I

did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or fight? So,

anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite that much, but a

lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing to do with me

anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

>

> So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

>

> I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

>

> I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

>

> I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

>

> What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

>

> Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

>

> Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks for

years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient with

her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally. I

have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also am

not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in panic

attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am in

fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take the

things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

>

> I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

>

> Help, please.

>

> BIG HUGS

>

[Guest guest]

Dear WTH,

OMG, you sound just like me!!!! I have done exactly these same things, behaved

this way and suffered the same consequences. WTH, I am much better these days,

but I have " flare ups " when I get frustrated and fixated. I get frustrated with

a situation (anxious), then fixated on a solution (yell at someone, get out of a

place,) etc and then I react and usually blow my stack. Well, that's how my

parents reacted. My fada was a rage-acholic who, when he got frustrated,

started yelling at whoever was around. Sometimes is was like a temper tantrum.

My mother did the same thing, but then as we kids started doing it, we were

shamed. They could do it all day long, but if us kids modeled their behavior,

we were told we were bad, wrong, shameful, etc. Hence the gut wrenching shame

after having one of these episodes.

I recently purchased the following book to help me with these situations:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for

Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, &

Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) (Paperback).

As kids of BPD's we never learned healthy responses - just reactions. We never

learned to identify our emotions and then learn healthy ways to express them.

We are the adult equivalent of a crying baby...think about it...a baby doesn't

have the words to explain what is going on with them, so they cry and do so

until somebody guesses whether it is food, diaper, sleep, play, or some other

thing that will quiet us. But as adults we are often dealing with more complex

frustrations and feelings that require recognition, identification, planning,

discussion, discovery and a solution. Instead of going throug that process we

do the equivalent of crying until we get ourselves " satisfied " and we calm down.

Unfortunately we also alienate those around us cause they expect us to behave

like adults and discuss, request, negotiate, cooperate. One thing that has been

helpful from the book is that folks like us have a feeling and think we have to

act (read " act out " ). That's what has always gotten me into trouble.

Anyway, the book is very helpful in providing alternative behaviors for

situations. Some of them may seem so simple, but in a frustrating situation I

think people like us don't have any resources for solving the problem so we just

start " screaming " like a baby. There are consequences, however, that will limit

our careers, our love lives, our family relationships, our friendships. And

because we can't come up with adult resolutions on our own we end up living a

very narrow, rigid life because we are afraid we'll act out.

I also bought another book with that one to help me understand some of my own

internal dialog and what may be my own kind of BPD. I just think that when you

grow up in a BPD home, you can't help but develop some behaviors of a BPD cause

that is how you are taught to interact. However, I found the book really

triggered a lot for me, so use sparingly. And I know, too, that if I am not

taking care of myself I will slip into bad behaviors so I recommend the book

with some caution as well. Make sure you have a therapist and that you are

practing taking care of yourself. It is: Integrative Treatment for Borderline

Personality Disorder: Effective, Symptom-Focused Techniques, Simplified For

Private Practice. It is designed for therapists, so it is for them to help treat

BPD's. But I have gotten some real insight although it probably isn't for

everybody. It is sort of like reading a medical textbook and thinking you can

diagnose. I am working with my own therapist while reading these so I am not

out there on my own.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps. You are certainly not alone in your

struggle, but you are putting it out there, recognizing patterns and trying to

address it. One thing that has helped me tremendously is making myself

apologize for acting out. If I find I have raised my voice, barked at someone

or some other inappropriate behavior, I apologize immediately. This is

something my FOO NEVER did and an apology can go a long way to correcting a

situation. Most people will forgive an outburst if you apologize immediately.

However, you can't get by with this forever so use judiciously. I've also

learned to ask for help when I am frustrated. You will get much better results

when you simply say - " I have a situation here and I just really need some

help " . Most people when they hear that will do anything they can. You must

then gush with thanks when you get your results. It is the bees to honey

approach. It doesn't mean you are any less frustrated, but the difference is in

your approach.

Good luck, WTH...you are on the right path. And BTW - I really don't think you

need to apologize for not posting. A support group is just that..support.

Nobody is out there counting your posts and how may are for one thing versus

another. I don't think there is a minimum post requirement - humor We all

need a place to vent, share, bitch, and be validated. It's okay to just do that

here.

Jaye

>

> Hi friends,

> I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

>

> And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

>

> What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with my

computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers. They

did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't use

my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

>

> Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had several

dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me into his

place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of myself, I

thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will finally

have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I totally went

crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was not able to

be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I felt lost

and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my familiar

environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his environment, I

did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or fight? So,

anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite that much, but a

lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing to do with me

anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

>

> So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

>

> I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

>

> I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

>

> I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

>

> What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

>

> Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

>

> Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks for

years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient with

her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally. I

have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also am

not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in panic

attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am in

fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take the

things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

>

> I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

>

> Help, please.

>

> BIG HUGS

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for this, Daisy...

It makes sense, I am just upset, and I am beatin myself up, because I thought I

had come SO FAR. I have been in T for YEARS. When is this going to end? When

will I ever be able to have a normal life?

I really liked this guy. He was the first really decent guy I have ever really

dated. I was really liking him... I'm not feeling calm at all. I feel so

overwhelmed with the problems of my life as a non. It's so hard to live this

way, and it's never never ending.

Most people have been encouraging me and saying " well, at least you realize you

have a problem and are owning it...that's a good place to be in " . But I have

been owning this problem my whole life. Understanding all the reasons why

doesn't really help me. Everything you wrote makes complete sense, but then

what? How do I heal from this?

I have also talked with my T about these issues MANY TIMES in the past, and all

the different skills he's taught me, they just don't work for me...

I just don't see any way out of this hole, except medication. Which really

sucks, and I wish I didn't have to, but I can't go on living like this. I can't

believe I pushed that nice guy away. We had so much in common, and I really

liked him, and we had such great dates.

And, immediately after that happened, this creepy guy starting getting

interested in me. Am I destined to spend my life hanging out with creepy

people??????

Argh.

> >

> > Hi friends,

> > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> >

> > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

> >

> > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with

my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers.

They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't

use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> >

> > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> >

> > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

> >

> > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> >

> > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> >

> > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> >

> > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

> >

> > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> >

> > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks

for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient

with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally.

I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also

am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in

panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am

in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take

the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

> >

> > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

> >

> > Help, please.

> >

> > BIG HUGS

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, that is exactly what happens to me, I go into a traumatic state. For

years, my T has been teaching me all these things that you describe, but I am

not able to manage my traumatic states most of the time.

I have to say, my reactions have lessened. Sometimes I am amazed, like when the

computer people sent a letter to my boss, I was amazed because it was so much

LESS than how I had been years ago. I had to almost chuckle to myself when my

boss gave me the letter to read, because I thought, man, they should have seen

me three years ago. So, maybe with more time, it will lessen more.

Maybe that guy wasnt right anyway, I know why I had the reaction with him. It

was getting in his car to get to his place, and waking up without my car there.

That triggered me.

There seem to be triggers for me all over the place.

Thanks, your idea to just let the feeling pass seems doable--sometimes, and with

people around me who are more caring or attuned to me. I don't know that after

four dates, that guy was at all attuned to me. And he doesn't seem interested

in understanding my point of view of what happened; I tried to talk with him

afterwards. I do see him regularly, so there is still some hope of sometime

getting a chance to explain, once he has calmed down and sees that i am not

really a threat, I just come across as threatening. THe fact that I even am

able to see him regularly and am trying to communicate to him, but mainly just

focused on apologizing for now, is a big change. So there is some improvement

in the midst of all this wierd traumaticness.

THat's a big improvement for me, too. I apologize after these things happen. I

bought the computer department a large bouquet of flowers, and the computer

deparment issue passed. I joked with my boss that it was due to my ethnic

group, we are known for bad tempers or something... she laughed. I was able to

make it blow over and go away.

But there is always this fear, what if it happens again? I live with this

nervousness about my own reactions all the time.

I am also afraid of any more guys hitting on me. How do I stay single.

THanks

>

> Walking,

>

> When I return to a traumatic state, it gives me a very strange feeling. I

feel unable to think, and the thoughts I have seem distorted, like I am biased

toward particular thoughts that are not even true. My emotions are strange and

out of proportion to the event at hand. It is a little like depression in that

depression starts to paint everything with gloom even when everything is fine,

except the overlay is different and more complicated when it's about trauma.

It's not just that things are bleak. I can't even describe it, really.

>

> I wonder if that is what happened to you--if having the computer people not

take care of your needs and having the mounting pressure of having a job you

were unable to do without a functional computer reminded you of something else

and hurtled you back into a world of danger and overwhelming emotions.

>

> When that happens to me, I try basically just to do nothing, to delay any

decisions that need to be made and to not think about anything more complicated

than what to have for dinner because if I start cogitating, I'll probably just

start thinking the world will end and I need to build a bomb shelter or

something equally ridiculous. The feeling always goes away, although it does

usually take a period of just being in that strange emotion for a while, and

just observing it for it to pass. As it starts to clear, I will sometimes

realize what it is that's actually bothering me and then I can deal with those

feelings directly.

>

> In the short term, I try to do a lot of small things that are

grounding--because I recognize that part of what is happening is dissociation.

I pay attention to my breathing, and put my feet flat on the floor, I tell

myself five things each I can see, smell, hear, and touch, and I look for

objects of a certain color. It helps slightly, but not a lot.

>

> I don't think I'll ever be " normal. " I won't ever, I think, just be able to

forget about the way I grew up. It is like having been a refugee or having

survived a war. It is too terrible to simply forget and move on from that. I

think my hope is just that it won't impede my life, that it will make it

different, but not less satisfying.

>

> All I can really suggest is therapy and more therapy and time, plus being

really nice to yourself. I don't know if there's any evidence that

psychotropics change your brain chemistry permanently. But who knows?

Neurontin can be helpful, I think, with some of the issues you describe.

Sometimes medication can just take the edge off of things so that it's easier to

do the talk-therapy part without getting overwhelmed.

>

> Take care,

> Ashana

>

>

> Yahoo! India has a new look. Take a sneak peek

http://in.yahoo.com/trynew

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you.

i have to recognize that I am getting better. I did apologize. In the past,

when I totally acted out on a man, I would never see them again. So, there is

improvement. I did apologize. I am doing the best I can.

It is so hard though to live this way.

I keep trying to find some things wrong with this man, that I just chased away,

so that I won't feel so upset about chasing him away.

I guess this place is a really good place to practice asking for help.

Thanks.

> >

> > Hi friends,

> > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> >

> > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

> >

> > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with

my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers.

They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't

use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> >

> > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> >

> > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

> >

> > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> >

> > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> >

> > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> >

> > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

> >

> > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> >

> > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks

for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient

with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally.

I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also

am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in

panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am

in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take

the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

> >

> > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

> >

> > Help, please.

> >

> > BIG HUGS

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I will get that book. You're the second person to recommend it to me.

As for the computer services incident-- an update. I had to go over to comp

services today again, another issue with my computer. I was a lot less stressed

than the other time, and the people there were downright rude to me. They are

wierd and unfriendly over there, and they scared me. I had to listen to a bunch

of their attitude before they would help me. And they had a gun magazine on

their desk over there, that scared me too. I think they are very strange and

scary people over there.

So, I'm not wrong when I have my emotional outbursts. Something is frightening

me or upsetting me. It's just the way I express it, and I am no longer in

control.

I was very frightened over there at Comp services today, but I was able to

remain calm and not react to their wierdness. I got them to take care of my

problem, and I said thank you and left, all very calm, although I felt deeply

frightened. Their manner is just really abrasive and generally unhelpful.

Maybe there was something about this man I was dating too that was all wrong. I

know I feel he pressured me into sex that night, and I am sometimes not good

with boundaries, it just felt a little wrong, but instead of being able to

calmly express that or calmly enact my boundaries, I had to go ballistic after

everything was said and done.

I feel out of control. I wonder if it has to do with never being able to calmly

express my feelings in my FOO and have my feelings aknowledged. My feelings

were never aknowledged anyway, but by being loud and having an outburst I

certainly got attention, whether it was being the FOO scapegoat or whatever (I

was split bad).

Anyway, I will check the book out, and thanks for the sound advice. That man is

silly, anyway. You're right, not EVERYTHING is wrong with me!!! I will find

the right one, someday. I think I am trying to be perfect; that wouldn't be

something a KO would do, now, would it????

Anyway, I do feel bad because I know my outbursts make others feel bad, and it's

just not polite, but it's what I am working with. what more can i do? I do live

a really regimented and controlled existence because I am so terrified of

hurting someone with my outbursts and the mean things I say when I get out of

control.

THANK YOU!!!

walkingto happiness.

>

>

> > Thanks for this, Daisy...

> > It makes sense, I am just upset, and I am beatin myself up, because I

thought I

> > had come SO FAR. I have been in T for YEARS. When is this going to end?

When

> > will I ever be able to have a normal life?

>

> Get intimate connections by Burns. It makes sense, will give reasons to

talk yourself out of feeling this way ,and it worked already for me.

>

> Everyone has a 100% relationship failure rate until they meet the person they

settle down with forever. Like a rabbi said ,you date to figure out what you

like and what you can handle. You also keep trying, and don't take it personally

,as no one was made for you, and it's just a process of looking. You also were

not made for anyone else, you gotta keep trying.

>

> The book is good for every one of the self hating ideas you have, and if you

do the work with each one ,you'l leanr to short circuit that self hate. Lighten

up, no guy is ever going to be 100% a fix for your problems, and you can fix

them and feel better and find someone to live with forever. Just look at it this

way-you came here for help with things, won't that mean you are just going to be

a little while until it's fixed? Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither were

you!

>

> >

> > I really liked this guy. He was the first really decent guy I have ever

really

> > dated.

>

> There's at least 1 million more fish in the sea, you just gotta calm down.

There is nothing wrong with you a little work will not fix. You are not

malformed. You were just maltreated. Now you gotta process it.

>

>

>

> I was really liking him... I'm not feeling calm at all. I feel so

> > overwhelmed with the problems of my life as a non. It's so hard to live

this

> > way, and it's never never ending.

> >

>

> Any time you feel vulnerable this will happen. It's proof you didn't turn into

a nada, and you are normal. Read the book, trust me.

>

>

>

> > And, immediately after that happened, this creepy guy starting getting

> > interested in me. Am I destined to spend my life hanging out with creepy

> > people??????

>

> no, and since you were smart enough this time to realize it, you know you can

tel lhim no, and wait for the more normal guys to see you don't put up with that

slime, and choose one of them instead. Read the book, trust me.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Walking,

I want to make a comment about meds. True, they alter brain chemistry, but often

this is a GOOD thing. And taking an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication

can do wonders. I took an anti-depressant for years and when I was on it I felt

like ME for the 1st time in forever. (I stopped to have a baby and am currently

nursing, but if I need to I will go back on in a heartbeat). Studies show that

KOs of people w/ depression, some PDs and/or substance abuse are born with lower

levels of serotonin. So often people like us are born predisposed to depression

and anxiety. Many drugs just help make a chemistry what it *should* be- not

alter it in a crazy way. It's like a diabetic taking insulin. The insulin alters

how their body works, but brings it back to normal. I would talk to your T (and

if you don't have a T I would get a good one asap) about the possibility of

starting a med if he or she thinks its a good idea. Also, meds alone are not

nearly as effective as meds with therapy. I personally believe antidepressants

and antianxiety meds are over- prescribed in the general public. But for KOs I

do not feel that way one bit. There are some really great drugs on the market

and they are SAFE when used as prescribed. Just remember that the one

frustrating thing is that with these meds it's only trial and error to find out

what will work for you, and a 300 lb person might need the smallest dose while

a 90 lb person needs the largest dose- there's no rhyme or reason it's just our

own body differences. If you decide to try you might have to try a few diff meds

before you find the right one- just don't give up hope. Meds might not be the

answer for you, but I would not rule them out. They gave me my life back. Like I

said at the time I felt more like me on them than off. And you don't necessarily

have to be on them forever. But if you do who cares if it gives you your life

back you know? Good luck

>

> Hi friends,

> I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

>

> And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

>

> What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with my

computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers. They

did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't use

my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

>

> Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had several

dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me into his

place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of myself, I

thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will finally

have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I totally went

crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was not able to

be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I felt lost

and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my familiar

environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his environment, I

did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or fight? So,

anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite that much, but a

lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing to do with me

anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

>

> So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

>

> I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

>

> I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

>

> I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

>

> What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

>

> Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

>

> Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks for

years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient with

her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally. I

have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also am

not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in panic

attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am in

fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take the

things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

>

> I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

>

> Help, please.

>

> BIG HUGS

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you so much. This helps me enormously. I looked on this website and I

searched my area for people that treat PTSD, and it is a really cool website,

because it produced a long list, and I could read which types of therapy they

are trained in .

I called several and left messages, as soon as they get back to me, I will shop

around for a therapist in my area. You have helped me tremendously.

My T has a point, I have been consulting with him on the phone for ages now, and

he is right, there is only so much he can do over the phone, and also, it's time

for me to find someone in my area.

There had been a time earlier on, when he had tried to wean me of him, and I had

gone to three different T s in my area, for a trial session, all of them

freaked me out, because they didn't understand BPD at all, or atleast, in the

questions I asked them in the trial session, they didn't answer my questions

satisfactorily.

I am scared to shop around for a new T, because the one I have been talking to

for years knows my entire history, it was in sessions with him that I unravelled

my whole past and made sense of BPD and its impact on my FOO and myself. I'm

scared to leave behind that cushion, and have to explain myself all over again

from the beginning.

I contacted several of the Ts on the website you told me about, and that helped,

because now I have narrowed down to just the ones who are trained to treat PTSD.

I guess it's a little different now than the earlier time I tried to find a

local T, in that I was still unravelling my past then. Now, I have excavated my

past to the nth degree, and all I want is to treat what is affecting me in the

present; the PTSD.

So, I will get appointments, I think most Ts allow you a trial appointment to

decide if you want to continue with that T. I will shop around, and try these

different ones, and ask a lot of questions about the treatment techniques they

use to treat PTSD, and then I will research those treatment techniques and then

I will make an empowered decision.

I feel like maybe this time I can make a transition to a new T in my area,

although it is a huge and scary change.

Thanks so much for this website address, that helps me greatly. It helped me

avoid going to my primary care physician and asking for a referral, when the T

may or may not have known about BPD or how to handle PTSD. Thanks so much, the

website helps me a lot.

Hugs

WTH

> > > >

> > > > Hi friends,

> > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I

also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > >

> > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and

again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > >

> > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues

with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > >

> > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > >

> > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me

from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't

know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has

known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a

conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized

people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a

present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past

into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all

the time?

> > > >

> > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or

panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they

say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need

this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > >

> > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > >

> > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and

about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine.

It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled

and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not

fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > >

> > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I

heal from this??

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> > > >

> > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic

attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and

patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > >

> > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really

really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what

to do!!!???

> > > >

> > > > Help, please.

> > > >

> > > > BIG HUGS

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I know just what you mean. I think I am in a place where I don't have to be on

guard but I am always wondering in the back of my head, " What will be my next

trigger? and What will I do? " This anger from god knows where keeps bubbling

up. There's always another trigger eventually. Here lies the PTSD I guess.

>

> Hi friends,

> I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

>

> And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

>

> What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with my

computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers. They

did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't use

my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

>

> Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had several

dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me into his

place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of myself, I

thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will finally

have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I totally went

crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was not able to

be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I felt lost

and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my familiar

environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his environment, I

did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or fight? So,

anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite that much, but a

lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing to do with me

anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

>

> So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

>

> I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

>

> I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

>

> I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

>

> What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

>

> Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

>

> Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks for

years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient with

her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally. I

have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also am

not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in panic

attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am in

fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take the

things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

>

> I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

>

> Help, please.

>

> BIG HUGS

>

[Guest guest]

This is why I am ready for meds. I never thought I would be open minded to

meds, but I just can't live this way anymore. I have been in T for years, and I

have come A LONG WAY, but it is not far enough to have a normal life, free from

PTSD.

Living with PTSD is so awful. I too am always worried about triggers, and then

they creep up on me when I let my guard down. This means I can never let my

guard down. It's a horrible, wretched way to live, and I just can't live like

this anymore. I am in desperation, but thanks to the kind people on this chat

group, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD, so I

am seeking help. Thanks to all my friends on here, big hugs

WTH

> >

> > Hi friends,

> > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> >

> > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

> >

> > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with

my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers.

They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't

use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> >

> > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> >

> > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

> >

> > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> >

> > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> >

> > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> >

> > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

> >

> > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> >

> > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks

for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient

with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally.

I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also

am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in

panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am

in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take

the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

> >

> > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

> >

> > Help, please.

> >

> > BIG HUGS

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow,

After answering your post, I had a pretty deep insight into how much PTSD limits

my life. I was just giving directions to someone, and I realized that I had not

been able to go into a business in that area because of my PTSD one time. The

whole area I live in is filled with memories for me of places I could not go,

events I did not attend, conversations I couldn't have, people I could not

connect with or who wouldn't give me a chance...

This PTSD is limiting my life too much. I need a cure.

I can't go on like this, it is a lonely, wretched existence.

BIG HUGS

WTH

> >

> > Hi friends,

> > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often. I also

had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place of

closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> >

> > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and again. I

will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I know it's bad

form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I apologize, but

it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each other...

> >

> > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues with

my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of computers.

They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I still couldn't

use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I went over to the

computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that bad. But I get

into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or anger, I don't

know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something else takes

over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was pretty

mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it was

just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated that

this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> >

> > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> >

> > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me from

being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't know

what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has known

me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a conflict and

I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized people, people

who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a present

situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past into the

present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all the time?

> >

> > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or panic

attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they say

medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need this

though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> >

> > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh that

sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> >

> > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and about

90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine. It's

really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled and

regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not fun

and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> >

> > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can I heal

from this??

> >

> > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> >

> > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic attacks

for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and patient

with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it personally.

I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience with me. I also

am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict when I am in

panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It is like I am

in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people around me take

the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them and I do not mean

what I say.

> >

> > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really really

lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what to

do!!!???

> >

> > Help, please.

> >

> > BIG HUGS

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think you're doing the right thing ! Life is too short to spend it

unhappy and worried...

Jackie

This is why I am ready for meds. I never thought I would be open minded to

meds, but I just can't live this way anymore. I have been in T for years,

and I have come A LONG WAY, but it is not far enough to have a normal life,

free from PTSD.

Living with PTSD is so awful. I too am always worried about triggers, and

then they creep up on me when I let my guard down. This means I can never

let my guard down. It's a horrible, wretched way to live, and I just can't

live like this anymore. I am in desperation, but thanks to the kind people

on this chat group, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who

specializes in PTSD, so I am seeking help. Thanks to all my friends on

here, big hugs

WTH

[Guest guest]

EMDR is supposed to " cure " PTSD for most people.

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often.

I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place

of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > >

> > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and

again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > >

> > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues

with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > >

> > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > >

> > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me

from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't

know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has

known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a

conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized

people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a

present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past

into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all

the time?

> > > > >

> > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or

panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they

say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need

this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > >

> > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh

that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and

about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine.

It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled

and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not

fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > >

> > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can

I heal from this??

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> > > > >

> > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic

attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and

patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really

really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what

to do!!!???

> > > > >

> > > > > Help, please.

> > > > >

> > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Walking To,I'm so glad the website was helpful to you.It's good to consult with

several therapists to get a feel for which one would be the best fit for you and

your needs.That is what I did,too and although some of them were really

nice,caring and compassionate I chose the one I thought would be the most

competent guide to assist me through the maze of healing I still have to do.

I do understand the anguish of feeling like none of this shit ever really

goes away--when you thought that you were managing it and something happens that

makes you question how far you've really come and to then have to take lots of

deep breaths and assess your own progress because when you're feeling so

overwhelmed it can seem as if you haven't made much progess at all.Even though

you have! It's a scary place to be in--I've been there myself.

I had an experience with a disturbed coworker that really came to a head

this summer.I was trying so hard to cope with having to deal with her and it

wasn't quite happening.I have a problem with dissociation that I knew I had,but

before this coworker,I thought that I had been managing it.But she was so much

like my nada,I was massively triggered by her and the dissociation came back

with a powerful vengeance.It hadn't gone away at all,only lain somewhat dormant

because I hadn't been so badly triggered in a while.I also got to the point

where I realized that I just can't live like that--and I also had to accept the

fact that I had been continuing to dissociate in different (if not as drastic)

ways for a long time before encountering that coworker.I had worked so hard on

it and here it turned out that I was still in some kind of denial about it! Very

troubling to have to accept and the despair I felt made me seek out another

therapist after a therapy delay of over fifteen years.

It's really hard to describe what I mean by the dissociation without going

into a long explanation.It's complicated but the therapy sessions I've had so

far have already helped me to understand it better and to see exactly where it

comes from and to give me hope that I can get a handle on it.I don't lash out,I

disappear.It's still like a fight or flight response,just that in my case I'm

choosing " flight " in a way that makes me feel out of control of my own reactions

to triggers.I step way back into a sort of observer position and other

personalities I developed to deal with certain situations take over for me.It

just happens before I can calm down enough to react as me.Sometimes I'm not even

quite there but in some kind of suspended animation.It's hard to explain.But

it's very frustrating and I'm tired of it ruling my life.I have also limited

myself,for example at work,for fear of not being in control of the dissociation

and messing up my career.I understand the agony of not being in command of your

own emotional reactions and the agony of being painfully reminded of nada and of

why you're reacting that way to stuff in the present,when all you really want to

do is get past it and live your own life,be in your own existence,liberated from

the traumas she inflicted.

I sincerely hope you find a therapist who will be helpful to you as you

address the work that still needs to be done.Right now my therapist and I are

still getting to know eachother and I'm having to cover some ground with her to

explain why I'm where I am right now.But,as it sounds like you will be doing,I

have a clearer idea of what I need to focus on than I did the last time I was in

therapy and that really does make a difference--we are working together on

specific issues and already that is strengthening my resolve to work them

out.It's all alot clearer to me than it was the last time in therapy and I feel

like I can really get somewhere this time.

I hope that will also be the case for you.

Best of luck and best wishes to you,

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often.

I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place

of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > >

> > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and

again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > >

> > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had issues

with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > >

> > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we had

several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > >

> > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents me

from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I don't

know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend who has

known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a

conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized

people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a

present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past

into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all

the time?

> > > > >

> > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety or

panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they

say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need

this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > >

> > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh

that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way, and

about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine.

It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled

and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not

fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > >

> > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How can

I heal from this??

> > > > >

> > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> > > > >

> > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic

attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and

patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really

really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what

to do!!!???

> > > > >

> > > > > Help, please.

> > > > >

> > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

You sound so optimistic, and that is reassuring. I am so glad you feel that you

can work out the dissociation.

I understand what you mean about dissociation, and I think a lot of people on

this list do as well. I remember, I've been on this list for years now, and

there were times when we had threads about dissociation. You may want to search

the messages here to find out more.

Incidentally, I do dissociate as well. Maybe not as severely as you seem to

(from your description), but I often handle everyday conflict in the following

way: I have PTSD and then I dissociate. This makes me passive, and I get taken

advantage of a lot. Something that makes me really angry is when people assume

or tell me in so many words that I am stupid or naive or innocent because I was

not able to protect myself more. Do you find that people read innocence into

your dissociation? I don't know, but that's hard for me. I know there is some

injustice in everyday life, so I react but it comes out in such an ineffective

way!! It's frustrating. My own mind is my own enemy.

My work is indirectly linked to the theater business, and one thing that has

become clearer to me recently is the definition of " drama " . It's strange that

this is only becoming clear to me now, despite having been indirectly linked to

this business for my whole career... Anyway, in theater, the way plays are

structured is that you have a conflict between two characters (one loves another

one, who doesn't return the love; one character wants to acheive some goal and

the other character stands in their way). This is introduced in the beginning,

then the conflict is repeatedly played out between the main characters, over and

over, until it reaches a dramatic head. Then a dramatic moment happens where the

conflict reaches an apex, Then the conflict is resolved, and the resolution

carries some moral lesson or implication, usually. So, anyway, I had previously

thought that " drama " said to refer to drama among people in everyday life, meant

when people were raging or damaging each other's possessions, etc. I just

recently realized the true meaning of drama. Sometimes, you can have a theater

piece where the characters are just engaging in conversation, and expressing

emotions in conversation. That's all it means.

I wonder if I will ever reach the ability to do that.

I want to thank you for the resource about finding a T. I did have an

appointment with a T, and I feel really optimistic. Her specialty is PTSD, and

she assured me that she could cure me. I don't believe it's possible. She even

said that curing intimacy issues for people with PTSD was something she had

dealt with before. I can't believe it. I can't help but be cynical. I think

it would be impossible for me to have intimacy or be close like that in this

lifetime. Impossible. I told her that, and she said that it wasn't.

Anyway, it's worth a try.

I guess, for both of us, these difficult situations we encountered-- you with

your difficult and triggering co worker, and me with the dating and also a work

situation... we were forced to deal with our shrapnel. And we are healthy

enough to own it as our own, and WANT to deal with it.

I had this major insight after the T session, I realized that my own mind is my

enemy. And sometimes when I perceive danger, it is not external but inside my

own mind. I don't know if I can be in control like this when PTSD strikes, but

I do know that I see my thought patterns more. It is like there is more of a

space there, between thoughts.

The thing that scares me tremendously is that a lot of my thought patterns

resemble BPD. The whole experience of having PTSD from my background resembles

BPD. I was rereading SBP because someone here recommended I read the anger

chapter, and I had to put it down. THe anger chapter triggered me a little bit

because it was discussing having compassion for a parent with BPD. THe chapter

described how the BPD feels, always living in shame and fear of their next rage,

and sometimes not able to remember what they did. I always remember, but that

living in shame and fear of my PTSD is a similar experience to that of a BPD.

It's true, my nada was often totally afraid of her imperfections, and nada would

often not leave the house and not do housework either. I am just like her. My

PTSD means my life is so constricted, and I often don't leave the house for fear

of my PTSD being triggered. It's scary to realize that so much of who I am is

just like my mother. Really scary.

I guess the big difference is that I can see that my mind is my enemy; my nada

would never be able to have that kind of insight into herself.

How did you deal with your co worker? I admitted to my supervisor that I have

PTSD, which she didn't know, so I said it's like panic attacks. She was really

supportive. It felt scary, but also freeing. This was the first time in my

life that I have spoken the truth about this to anyone outside of a T's office

or on this group.

I was scared of what would happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting

for the world to treat me like nada and abuse me for my PTSD. The opposite

happened though. Instead of reprimanding me and being angry at me, my

supervisor softened up and became more compassionate and supportive of me. I am

experimenting with " the truth shall set you free " . We'll see what happens,

although nada's voice in my head telling me I am a failure and will get fired is

pretty strong. But I can now recognize that it is just a thought, not reality.

I know there are a lot of situations at work that I have not handled well,

because I just go into PTSD and then go into shame and hiding.

I hope this will get better in the future. I would like to be like those

characters in theater plays, who engage in conversation and express their

emotions and boundaries without getting an irrational attack or acting like a BP

in a rage.

I have written a lot, but I am really proud that I overcame my fear of changing

to a T locally. This T that I saw was really good, and really encouraging. I

felt so much better. How long does it take to get to know a T? How do you

choose to be treated by one T in particular?

Thanks again for the website, it helped me narrow it down to people specialized

in PTSD. That helps tremendously. When I went to see this T, she understood

immediately and said she could help my specific problem(s).

Will life ever be " normal " ? I don't know. Will I ever be in the same reality

as other people? I don't know. All I would like is to be able to breathe a

little bit easier and not live in shame and fear and anxiety all the time. If I

could just have that, that would be a welcome change. Beyond that, I can't even

imagine. I am just amazed I am still alive, really. I know the normal world

sort of rejects me a lot; I have lost jobs and many relationships because of my

PTSD and my serious serious past. This adds to my shame and my hiding away from

people most of the time. Most of all, I wish I could stop surviving and just

live and enjoy life. That's all I ask. If I could just reduce my anxiety to a

smaller level, that would be a great improvement.

I already have a plan, in case I get fired, another job, not a good one but a

job all the same, that I could do. I am used to being independent and a survivor

and surviving. PTSD makes me prepared for the worst possible situation,

usually.

It's really encouraging that you seem to be making so much progress. And I see

we are in the same place, that it no longer matters what the FOO is doing or

whether they care about us. What matters now is healing ourselves so we can

live day to day in some semblance of normality. I just realized recently that

this is my story and this is who I am; it's not " normal " and it never will be,

because it already is. Just like I can't cease to exist, neither can my story.

I am this story. My existence is that I am the child of a BPD nada and FOO,

with all the realities that entails.

I sincerely hope you're right about this time being clearer and that both of us

will move closer to healing this time. I am so tired of these problems! I guess

I have made some progress, just making these things conscious and speaking them

out loud to someone in my everyday life was a very big deal for me. Someone

said to me recently that you just need to speak truths, and things improve.

I'll wait and see what happens, although I think it already did improve things

to say that. Still learning how people react to a me that says " hey, this is my

challenge, please understand. " I just wish I could stop surviving so much.

Big hugs

Walking to Happiness

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more often.

I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this place

of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the present and

not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > >

> > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and

again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > > >

> > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had

issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we

had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents

me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I

don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend

who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a

conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized

people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a

present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past

into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all

the time?

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be anxiety

or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid because they

say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said that I need

this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had a nurturing

environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with... (oh

that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way,

and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine.

It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled

and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not

fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How

can I heal from this??

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic

attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and

patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really

really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what

to do!!!???

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Walking To,I can relate to alot of what you said and I'd like to continue this

discussion--right now I have to walk my hound but I will definitely get back to

you.

I'm glad you found a T who sounds so confident

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more

often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this

place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again and

again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had

issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and we

had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited me

into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that prevents

me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this, but I

don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good friend

who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to act in a

conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know traumatized

people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more anger than a

present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from the past

into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not with me all

the time?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be

anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with...

(oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this way,

and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of mine.

It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very controlled

and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me off. It;s not

fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution. How

can I heal from this??

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out there????

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her panic

attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle and

patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a really

really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't know what

to do!!!???

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,Walking To...I could probably write a " book " responding to all the

interesting points you brought up in your post,but I'll try not to .

I think it's a really good sign the therapist you consulted with has

confidence in her professional ability.That's really important! That was

something that was a major deciding factor for me when I consulted with the

therapist I finally chose: that she was consistently confident and not

defensive.I was glad that I consulted with others too so I could compare

them--that helped me to feel surer about my decision.The one I chose just seemed

the most competent to help me address my problems--and she mentioned during the

first consultation that one thing we'd do right away if I opted for her was to

hash out an initial " treatment plan " together.That's actually pretty par for the

course with therapists who treat people with DID for example but I really liked

the whole idea of doing this because it reassured me that she knew what she was

doing and she had a plan! You know what I mean? It's not fixed in stone but it

gives us a starting point we can both refer to.A problem I had with my last

therapist was that she seemed to be kind of " making it up " as we went along--not

that she was just pretending to know what she was doing--I just needed more

structure,especially in the beginning.

I have Complex PTSD along with the DDNOS.The symptoms " bleed " together

often,so that some of what are symptoms of the Complex PTSD impact on the

dissociation.Like you mentioned,I have also had people either wonder why in the

world I didn't protect myself or have thought erroneously that I am " naive " .One

of the symptoms of Complex PTSD is indeed " failure of self protection " .I'm

wondering if that's what your long time therapist said you have,Complex PTSD?

Because that is what you end up with after *years* of abuse,particularly child

abuse.And it's a condition somewhat different from " just " PTSD.It's more

complex,as it were.I've read some articles written by people claiming that

Complex PTSD and BPD are pretty much the same thing--I disagree with this.My

nada did not come from an abusive background,yet she has (at least) BPD,which

appears to be genetic in her case.I think that Complex PTSD is more of an

" abused child " syndrome with certain symptoms that can mimic BPD-like ones,but

are not.IMHO,the main difference is that people with Complex PTSD experience

their symptoms as ego-dystonic (foreign to their sense of self) whereas people

with BPD (as with other personality disorders) experience their symptoms as

ego-syntonic (a natural part of their self).Someone with Complex PTSD will react

to symptoms they couldn't control with : " What is wrong with me,why do I do these

things when I don't want to/it feels like something takes control of me that is

not me " .Someone with BPD is more likely,when called by others on symptoms they

are displaying (and that's an important difference,too: the person with BPD is

usually not reacting with internal insight to the presence of symptoms,but has

to have them pointed out to them by others)--anyway,the person with BPD is more

likely to insist " That's just the way I am/ I can't help it/ I've always been

unique like this/People just have to take me as I am " and/or they accuse the

other person of having *their " symptoms.Well,I'm sure you know all about how

BPDs function from your own life and your own reading.

You asked me what did I do about my coworker? That was a really bad

situation,she was just particularly vicious.She was one those types who sees

someone else setting a boundary as a personal attack on her and acts

accordingly.I don't know if you've ever encountered one of these,the types who

" need " everyone around them to either be carefully deferential to them or

saintlike friendly or they can't cope.She pretended to be objective and

professional the first time I had to set a boundary,then I later learned she was

purposefully trying to undermine me and was trying to smear me.After that I

decided for my own sake to keep our contact neutral and to only deal with her as

needed and to put some (feigned) pleasant distance between us.That really put

her into an ongoing rage and I'd catch her giving me these awful seething

stares.One day in a group setting when a few of us were chatting I made the

mistake of asking her (just as pleasant nothing chit chat) which church she went

to because she was talking about it.That really did it.She totally

misinterpreted an innocent question as a condemnation of her religious

beliefs--on the surface.Charlie wrote me a good post that explained what she was

really doing,which was basically splitting me black because she thought that was

what I was doing to her because I seemed (to her) to be implying by my question

that she was doing something wrong or was wrong...which she was actually but she

wanted me to function as a tool for her to sanction her " rightness " ...it's crazy

stuff...

And there wasn't much I could do about it,so I had her head hunted out

of my company.I wasn't going to leave.That was the only " solution " ,in the

end,was for her to go.Which she did,thankfully.

I couldn't tell my boss about my conditions,that would be a career

killer in my situation.I work in business and the bottom line means more than I

do.But it sounds like you've got a good hearted boss and it's great that you

were able to be so forthcoming with her and that she responded supportively.I

personally wouldn't advocate being " truthful " about this kind of stuff with most

people ( because they won't get it) but when you can and when it's

appropriate,it is very healing to discover that people are supportive and

understanding rather than judgmental and condemning.Judging and

condemning--about anything that was not a deliberately malicious or harmful

act--only gets all of us stuck,it never helps.It never leads to any kind of

catharsis or growth.

I feel like my own mind is often my enemy,too.Or that the defense

mechanisms I tragically had to develop to survive my own childhood are " enemy "

mechanisms now.They are not working for me.I refuse to believe that they are so

organically systemic by now that I can't find better ways to respond to

situations,but I do at times catch myself worrying that it is now my own mind

that is torturing me.A solution to that,for me,is to not give that worry too

much power and weight by entertaining it longer than as a passing thought.I have

many passing thoughts,and that happens to be one of them.And I think that if I

work on them,my " enemy mechanisms " will come to seem more and more like free

will choices and I will be able to choose not use them.But it takes work and

like you mentioned,a " radical acceptance " that this is what my life really is

comprised of and any attempts to avoid that total " radical acceptance " or deny

the need for it is only going to retard my progress.

I think so much of what you notice about yourself and what you need to

do,like basically that your own truth shall set you free-and yes,that " it's not

normal and never will be because it already is " --represents great insight on

your part into the necessity of really staring this legacy in the face,the

legacy of being abused as a child.And that it's the only way to go and you are

absolutely right.One of the things Complex PTSD does is that it can get you

wasting way too much time trying to escape from the horrible discomfort of what

simply IS within you,all the terrible memories and triggers.I truly believe that

the day you start to face it squarely for what it is is the day you start to

overcome it.It will not happen quickly but there is a huge difference,I

think,between the period when you are just coming to terms with the pain--or

trying to--and the period when you are taking stock of the consequences of that

pain and deciding to address it directly for what it actually IS and how it is

manifesting in your life.

You've mentioned wondering where the " you of you " is beneath all the

symptoms.In your posts,I hear the voice of someone who is very

intelligent,creative and charming.You're right here,I hear you speaking.I don't

hear just " symptoms " talking,I hear a person describing them,someone who has

alot of insight and feeling-and most definitely a personality that is her own.

Take care and hope to talk again,

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more

often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this

place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again

and again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I had

issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge of

computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and

we had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited

me into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that

prevents me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this,

but I don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good

friend who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to

act in a conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know

traumatized people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more

anger than a present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from

the past into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not

with me all the time?

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be

anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with...

(oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this

way, and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of

mine. It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very

controlled and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me

off. It;s not fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution.

How can I heal from this??

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out

there????

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her

panic attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle

and patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a

really really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't

know what to do!!!???

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thank you so much, I appreicate every word you have written and the time you

took to write this.

I need to reread your last paragraph often, because I am really sad these days.

Your last paragraph is so encouraging to me. I described on here how this

realization that just understanding what happened to me (which I did for years

in T, and I thought I was done and healed) is not enough, that now I have to

process how all this truly affected me, this realization was brought on by

problems in a dating relationship and at work.

I am doing all I can to address this issue, but I am so tired of how this past

has affected every aspect of my life. I am feeling so discouraged lately. If

only I could just have a fun dating relationship. If only I could have people

at work not cower in fear of me... it is so hard. This is not who I am. Thank

you for hearing my true voice. I am a deeply caring and conscientious person.

I have supportive friends, thank God, who have held my hand through the T

process, and who understand my search for spiritual meaning in all of this.

However, I would like to just participate in the superficial world of people who

don't have to comprehend such deep thoughts and feelings all day every day.

Since I was a small child, all I have known is this reality of deep pain and

exclusion and more pain.

I just want this reality to end. I want to take this piece of my brain out,

that causes me such pain. I am really struggling, because it seems like every

part of my life that COULD be so positive is completely subsumed to my demons.

I was so deeply hurt by this latest rejection in dating. I suppose I could be

greatful in the karmic sense that he is not letting me harm him or cause him any

more suffering, but I also have been working for years on this and meditation

and so forth, and the PTSD I had with him was so much milder than it would have

been 3 or 4 years ago!!! I wish I could just have someone to hold my hand

through this scary world, and through this process in particular, but he was not

even willing to listen to my explanation after the PTSD attack in the dating

situation. A friend said to me, if someone is not even willing to try to

understand you, forget him.

The same thing in the work situation, the PTSD I demonstrated there was SO MUCH

MILDER than it would have been several years ago, believe me!!!

Why is the world so hard on me? It seems like the world just wants perfection

out of me.

I am so tired of myself and these struggles. I am so lonely; I am NC with the

FOO. I have little or no extended FOO. Intimacy seems impossible for me. I am

in a job that is below my qualifications, and it is hard there because of my

PTSD. My life is so severely limited because of the PTSD.

I am really struggling. The worst is having friends who have husbands,

children, and good relationships with their parents. I can't even imagine the

love they feel on a daily basis, the safety they feel. It just seems like their

lives are so much easier.

I struggle financially because I can't be intimate, so I can't get a second

income, in terms of a couple working together financially.

I am so sad and hurting. I wonder if it will ever get better.

Your post was so encouraging. Thank you for understanding, thank you for

pointing out to me that just having the insight to move to this next stage of

healing is a big step, thank you.

Please keep writing me, because I am so discouraged. I feel so cornered by my

own mind, like there is no where else to turn. If it was another person that

was doing this to me, I could flee, I could hide, I could avoid them. But this

demon has lived in my own mind, and I don't know how to take my mind (and life)

back.

I am suffering a lot, and this group, and your posts mean a lot to me. I have a

handful of friends who understand and are supportive.

I will survive, I always do, but I just sense that there is this whole other

side of life (called human connections) that I am missing out on, with all the

benefits that those connections bring. And I realize how much I have missed by

not having human connections throughout my life. It is so sad!!!

Please, pray for me and my healing.

Will it ever change? Will I ever be able to get out of the prison of my own

mind? Will I ever truly live my life to the fullest?

Thank you so much,

Hugs

WTH.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting more

often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached this

place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up again

and again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard time. I

know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time, so I

apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and each

other...

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I

had issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge

of computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him, and

we had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he invited

me into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so proud of

myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do this! I will

finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning, when I

totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and I was

not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as people, I

felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get back to my

familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of his

environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's flight or

fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not quite

that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants nothing

to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that

prevents me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this,

but I don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good

friend who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to

act in a conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know

traumatized people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more

anger than a present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from

the past into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not

with me all the time?

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be

anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over with...

(oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic attacks)

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live this

way, and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts of

mine. It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very

controlled and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me

off. It;s not fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution.

How can I heal from this??

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out

there????

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her

panic attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle

and patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a

really really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't

know what to do!!!???

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Walking - your last post sounds like you're really feeling down and struggling

right now. I'm kind of worried about you. Can you reach out to some of those

supportive friends so you have some real, face to face contact today?

The process of working through the memories of abuse and figuring out what to do

with this new life - it's bound to move in fits and starts, with slips back into

despair now and then. I think this shows you really are moving forward. Please

don't let this black cloud get to you - it will move on, and so will you.

As to your friends with husbands and children - believe me, it's not all

bluebirds and happiness in those family homes. There's plenty of frustration,

impatience, and irritation going on, even in the most stable, loving homes.

Sometimes those " strong families " are held together with emotional kite string

and duct tape. Getting to a place in your own mind where you are calm and happy

gives you a much better chance of surviving the rigors of family life when and

if you do have your own family group - no matter what form that takes. This

period of working on yourself is a fine and honorable thing - don't rush it.

Please let us know how you're doing - and maybe take a hike in the autumn woods,

see an outrageously funny movie, or take in some great art this week. You

deserve a break today! -

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting

more often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached

this place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up

again and again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard

time. I know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time,

so I apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and

each other...

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and I

had issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge

of computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him,

and we had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he

invited me into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so

proud of myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do

this! I will finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning,

when I totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and

I was not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as

people, I felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get

back to my familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of

his environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's

flight or fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not

quite that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants

nothing to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that

prevents me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this,

but I don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good

friend who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to

act in a conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know

traumatized people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more

anger than a present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from

the past into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not

with me all the time?

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to be

anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over

with... (oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic

attacks)

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live

this way, and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts

of mine. It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very

controlled and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me

off. It;s not fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a solution.

How can I heal from this??

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out

there????

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave her

panic attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and gentle

and patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't take it

personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of patience

with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain I inflict

when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly things). It

is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive, and people

around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me saying them

and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is a

really really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't

know what to do!!!???

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Walking To...I'm glad you got something worthwhile out of my last post.I was

really tired when I wrote it,so I'm glad it made sense! Having said that,I

really meant every word: you ARE very intelligent,creative and charming.That is

clear from your posts.And it's also clear that you're a caring and conscientious

person.I can relate to your distress about not being where you want to be--I

just wish I had more time to write a decent post that would adequately express

how much so.

Before I sought therapy again I had decided that I probably would " never "

be able to find a therapist who could actually help me with my wide

constellation of symptoms--depair I guess more than cynicism but believe

me,conciously I felt pretty cynical about the whole idea.I also assumed that

most therapists would just be overwhelmed by the sheer scope of what I need to

process--and would therefore reject me somehow--I wasn't sure how,but it just

seemed likely.My nada was profoundly mentally ill to the point of psychosis,to

the point of harboring matricidal feelings about me.She battered me when I was

an infant,which I know because she BOASTED about it.Now,that is considered to be

something (infant battery) that contributes to irreversible " trauma wiring " in

the human brain.I figured most therapists would treat me as a hopeless case and

only treat me as a sort of " mercy case " ,not because they believed I could make

any true progress in therapy.

But the therapist I chose is an expert in the treatment of trauma and

dissociation and she is believing,along with me,that I can overcome my symptoms

enough to get a chance at having the life that has so far been denied to me in

all its fullness of functioning.

I'm telling you this because I have had to accept that the relationships I

have and my success at work aren't going to heal me in and of themselves.That

might be enough for many people,but not for someone with my extreme trauma

history.And I have realized that I can no longer keep trying to heal on my

own--I need help.I need a guide.I need someone who is there only for that--to

work with me on my healing process.

I have tried in serious earnest for the past five years to really address

my past/my problems.I have made progress for sure.But there comes a time when

you just need assistance.

Please do avail yourself of the assistance that is out there,of a guide to

assist you.You are worthy of help and care and guidance.YOU are worth it.

Something I noticed in your posts,the last one especially,is that you seem

to be more of a " big picture " person.Some people focus more only on distinct

aspects of a situation --to me,you seem to be taking a panoramic view of your

life and what is troubling you and what you want to change.It's great when you

have the kind of mind that can see the wide view of a situation but when what

that wide view is showing you is a landscape of pain and suffering,it can appear

almost insurmountable.

I think it's good that out of that wide landscape,you see that what

deeply hurts you is missing having true intimacy in your life.I do know how much

that really,really hurts.I spent years--years--feeling that way.You have

something to focus on should you proceed with therapy and Walking To,I hope you

will.I know it hurts like hell.I also know that it can be addressed and dealt

with--even while it HURTS.

I was also wondering if you've ever tested yourself on the Myers-Briggs

Psychological Types test? I mention this because this is something,a while

back,that really helped me to see aspects of my personality that exist in me

mostly beyond the abuse that created other symptoms.This test has nothing to do

with measuring functionality or dysfunction--it merely measures your personality

style with no judgment implied.

For example,I'm an INTP (introverted/intuitive/thinking/

perceiving).It is the least commonly occuring of the " personality types " and

therefore the way I process information isn't typically validated much by a

society that is more commonly comprised of other types who don't process info

like I do.When I read the description of my " personality type " I thought,oh,that

explains why I'm this way and that way--it's not " just " because I am

weird,defective,different...it just made me feel better about being me...the

being a " perceiving " type especially because I tend to see multiple shades of

grey and am weak on simply judging a thing as it is and just leaving it there: I

see many aspects.Before I knew that that is my " type " I thought that I just

thought too much! But perceiving in this way can also be a strength.

Here's a link to a short Myers-Briggs test (and others here might enjoy

discovering what their " psychological type " is too):

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

If you don't already know your Myers-Briggs type,I hope reading about

what it is will be as reassuring to you as it was to me.It's kind of fun,anyway.

Sorry I never seem to have time to really answer you in full.Please

believe in you--you have many positive qualities and the stuff you want to

change isn't a defect that issues from you but that issued from an environment

you never deserved to be in--and it CAN get better.

Take care and peace to you,Walking To...

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > Hi Walking,

> > > > > > > > > I want to make a comment about meds. True, they alter brain

chemistry, but often this is a GOOD thing. And taking an anti-depressant or

anti-anxiety medication can do wonders. I took an anti-depressant for years and

when I was on it I felt like ME for the 1st time in forever. (I stopped to have

a baby and am currently nursing, but if I need to I will go back on in a

heartbeat). Studies show that KOs of people w/ depression, some PDs and/or

substance abuse are born with lower levels of serotonin. So often people like us

are born predisposed to depression and anxiety. Many drugs just help make a

chemistry what it *should* be- not alter it in a crazy way. It's like a diabetic

taking insulin. The insulin alters how their body works, but brings it back to

normal. I would talk to your T (and if you don't have a T I would get a good one

asap) about the possibility of starting a med if he or she thinks its a good

idea. Also, meds alone are not nearly as effective as meds with therapy. I

personally believe antidepressants and antianxiety meds are over- prescribed in

the general public. But for KOs I do not feel that way one bit. There are some

really great drugs on the market and they are SAFE when used as prescribed. Just

remember that the one frustrating thing is that with these meds it's only trial

and error to find out what will work for you, and a 300 lb person might need

the smallest dose while a 90 lb person needs the largest dose- there's no rhyme

or reason it's just our own body differences. If you decide to try you might

have to try a few diff meds before you find the right one- just don't give up

hope. Meds might not be the answer for you, but I would not rule them out. They

gave me my life back. Like I said at the time I felt more like me on them than

off. And you don't necessarily have to be on them forever. But if you do who

cares if it gives you your life back you know? Good luck

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh,and Walking To..I know that I just wrote that I didn't have time to really

address your post and yet here I still am posting...I just wanted to let you

know that I'm in the middle of dealing with an issue of my own that's giving me

some insomnia and that's why I was still here posting and that it's

me,really,not you...I spoke at length with my therapist about it on Tuesday

night and am dealing with it--trying to-- but am a bit pre-occupied mentally.Not

that I want to be lol,I wish I had more psychic space to give you better

feedback on your posts.

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > Hi Walking,

> > > > > > > > > > I want to make a comment about meds. True, they alter brain

chemistry, but often this is a GOOD thing. And taking an anti-depressant or

anti-anxiety medication can do wonders. I took an anti-depressant for years and

when I was on it I felt like ME for the 1st time in forever. (I stopped to have

a baby and am currently nursing, but if I need to I will go back on in a

heartbeat). Studies show that KOs of people w/ depression, some PDs and/or

substance abuse are born with lower levels of serotonin. So often people like us

are born predisposed to depression and anxiety. Many drugs just help make a

chemistry what it *should* be- not alter it in a crazy way. It's like a diabetic

taking insulin. The insulin alters how their body works, but brings it back to

normal. I would talk to your T (and if you don't have a T I would get a good one

asap) about the possibility of starting a med if he or she thinks its a good

idea. Also, meds alone are not nearly as effective as meds with therapy. I

personally believe antidepressants and antianxiety meds are over- prescribed in

the general public. But for KOs I do not feel that way one bit. There are some

really great drugs on the market and they are SAFE when used as prescribed. Just

remember that the one frustrating thing is that with these meds it's only trial

and error to find out what will work for you, and a 300 lb person might need

the smallest dose while a 90 lb person needs the largest dose- there's no rhyme

or reason it's just our own body differences. If you decide to try you might

have to try a few diff meds before you find the right one- just don't give up

hope. Meds might not be the answer for you, but I would not rule them out. They

gave me my life back. Like I said at the time I felt more like me on them than

off. And you don't necessarily have to be on them forever. But if you do who

cares if it gives you your life back you know? Good luck

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Thanks for your concern. I exercised yesterday, and that helped me to sleep and

feel better. I also connected with some friends. I will survive, I always do.

I have a lot of hobbies and I do have a full life, despite not being able to

connect to a man intimately. The end of this week at work went a little more

smoothly; maybe if I can have several smooth weeks, then my PTSD episode will

blow over at work? I hope so! I hope God gives me a chance; could God really

be as harsh as nada was in discipling me???

What you point out about some families being barely held together, I guess you

are right. Then there are all those people who really have great families or

great husbands and it all seems so easy and effortless, and at least they are

close to someone. I guess you are right, that there are plenty of people in

situations like my FOO, where there are really unhealthy patterns going on and

no one is breaking those patterns, they are just continuing. I guess I need to

recognize the progress I am making, that I will be in a calmer and better place

BEFORE I get into a relationship, and I hope eventually later on that I will get

into a relationship. Who knows? I am struggling to stay optimistic here.

I just feel down because, I am getting older, and my bio clock is ticking, and I

just can't even get close to a man. At least I have realized and owned my

problems and I am working on them. When I was younger, I would have

relationships that would end quickly after i would have a PTSD episode, and then

both the man and I would be hurt terribly. At least I am owning my part in all

of this, and I am working on it.

I had a friend, who understands about BPD, tell me that it is good that I have

never met a man who will put up with my PTSD behaviors. That it is a good thing

for any possible children, and because then maybe I wouldn't be forced to work

on my issues, and I guess my friend has a point, but it is a hard thing to

swallow, to realize how terrible my behaviors are, and to keep myself from

hurting others (emotionally hurting, I mean).

I did have a relationship with a man who was violent, and that worked for a

while. And it took me a long time to get out of that. I guess what you mean,

that I will be in a better place to be in a relationship after I am more healed,

means that it would be good to protect myself from violent men, etc. That with

my PTSD as it is right now, I could only attract someone with serious issues to

stay with me any length of time.

I just am down, too, because I feel like this will never end. I have been in T

for YEARS. I spent YEARS in T talkign about my FOO and detailing everything

that happened. I know so much about BPD. I have read all the BPD books, I am so

tired of all of this. I just want to have peace and quiet and my own life.

When is this going to end??? I have been NC for years, yet nada and the FOO

STILL affect my life, in terms of my PTSD and all the aftereffects of a horrible

childhood as the non-existent split-bad child of a BP who was raised in complete

isolation. When will I be able to just exist, to connect to other people? How

much longer do I have to bear the burden of all the aftereffects???

Does anyone else on here have PTSD as badly as I do?

Thanks so much for letting me vent, and thank you for your concern, and thanks

for the permission to take it easy. You're right, I need to do something

calming for myself! Thank you so much, I really appreciate your concern, and

being able to vent on here, and receiving support on here, means so much to me.

I guess I need to recognize each step as it happens. That I was able to confide

in my boss, and that she was somewhat compassionate, that was a BIG step for me.

Also, that I even recognize the extent of my issues, that was a realization I

had at the beginning of this month after the incident with the man I was dating.

Then, through that experience and the support on here, I got into T again with a

T who says she can cure this issue I have. So, I guess those are gigantic

steps. I just wish I didn't have to have this PTSD, and I could take gigantic

steps from a place where other people are starting. I guess I really shouldn't

judge myself based on other people or what I perceive them to be. I feel like I

am behind everyone else. I am where I am, and who knows why God has us be here?

Who knows what God is thinking, I mean really.

All I know is I am where I am, and I am working on healing. I just don't know

if this process will ever end for me. What would the end of the healing process

look like?

All I can do is recognize my progress, which is hard, because it means

admitting how far behind I am in the game of life compared to others who are

emotionally healthy and can take that emotional health for granted.

THANK YOU for your support and the connection with other people I get on here.

WTH.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting

more often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached

this place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up

again and again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard

time. I know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time,

so I apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and

each other...

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and

I had issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge

of computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him,

and we had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he

invited me into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so

proud of myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do

this! I will finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning,

when I totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and

I was not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as

people, I felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get

back to my familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of

his environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's

flight or fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not

quite that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants

nothing to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that

prevents me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this,

but I don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good

friend who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to

act in a conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know

traumatized people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more

anger than a present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from

the past into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not

with me all the time?

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to

be anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over

with... (oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic

attacks)

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live

this way, and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts

of mine. It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very

controlled and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me

off. It;s not fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a

solution. How can I heal from this??

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out

there????

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave

her panic attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and

gentle and patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't

take it personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of

patience with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain

I inflict when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly

things). It is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive,

and people around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me

saying them and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is

a really really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't

know what to do!!!???

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

Thanks for your concern. I just wrote a long reply, but I don't know if it

posted. It disappeared after I posted it. Where did it go?

The main ideas of my reply were something like this: Thank you thank you thank

you. I really appreciate the ability to receive support and to vent on here.

Thanks for the permission to do something good for myself, sometimes I need

permission to be gentle with myself!

I understand what you mean, that many people in relationships are not as healthy

as it would seem, but they are still in relationships.

I just wonder when this will be over for me. I am so tired of this struggle. I

have been in T for YEARS, detailing everything that happened to me as a child

of a BP. I thought I was done. When will all the aftereffects be over? Will I

ever ever heal???

I also wrote in my post that disappeared about how I do recognize I am making

progress. It's just hard.

Thanks for your support and kindness. The first post I wrote was a lot better,

but also a lot longer. I do appreciate your concern. And the idea that, this

too, shall pass!

WTH

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Hi friends,

> > > > > > > > > > > I am really busy lately, and I apologize for not posting

more often. I also had thought I had put BPD and all this behind me. I reached

this place of closure this summer, in August, and I decided to just live in the

present and not dwell on the past anymore...

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > And I find that I can't. This crap just keeps coming up

again and again. I will never be normal. As you can tell, I am having a hard

time. I know it's bad form to seek your friends only when you have a hard time,

so I apologize, but it's just so good to know that you all are there for me and

each other...

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > What has come up lately, is that I started a new job, and

I had issues with my computer, and I complained to the people that are in charge

of computers. They did not help me at all, and it just was not resolved, and I

still couldn't use my computer. The new job in general was stressful, and I

went over to the computer people department and I blew up. It wasn't even that

bad. But I get into this head-space where it is almost like panic or anxiety or

anger, I don't know what it is. But I'm gone for a second or two and something

else takes over. My demon. It wasn't even the worst outburst I've had, it was

pretty mild, but then the computer tech people sent a letter to my boss, and it

was just awful, although my boss was wonderful and supported me. But I hated

that this was the impression people had of me in my new job-- so not perfect!!!

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Then, recently, I was dating a man, and I really like him,

and we had several dates and things were going fine. On the fourth date, he

invited me into his place, and things happened, and I spent the night. I was so

proud of myself, I thought, I have finally become NORMAL. I can finally do

this! I will finally have a relationship! I felt so great. Until the morning,

when I totally went crazy on him. Again, it felt like something overtook me and

I was not able to be myself, I couldn't connect with the people around me as

people, I felt lost and out of place and unsafe. In this case, I needed to get

back to my familiar environment-my car, my apartment, etc. Until I got out of

his environment, I did not feel safe and I was in attach mode. Maybe it's

flight or fight? So, anyway, like I've experienced a thousand (well, maybe not

quite that much, but a lot) times before, although I apologized, the man wants

nothing to do with me anymore, which is a old and painful hurt of rejection.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > So, there is this part of me, of my personality (?), that

prevents me from being my best or connecting with people. I want to solve this,

but I don't know what it is. Is it anxiety attacks? Panic attacks? A good

friend who has known me for a long time says it is that I never learned how to

act in a conflict and I go too far. Ok, but how do I solve that? I know

traumatized people, people who suffered a lot of abuse/neglect often get more

anger than a present situation merits, almost like they are unloading anger from

the past into the present. So, how else can I unload that anger so it's not

with me all the time?

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I have resisted getting medication, like if this were to

be anxiety or panic attacks, because medication frankly scare me. I am afraid

because they say medication changes your brain chemistry. Someone I know, said

that I need this though because my brain chemistry is screwy because I never had

a nurturing environment for my brain to develop in, as a child.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I wish I could just take a pill and this would be over

with... (oh that sounds bad, I mean, like a pill for anxiety attacks or panic

attacks)

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's hard to live

this way, and about 90% of my effort and energy go into avoiding these outbursts

of mine. It's really hard to control, and to manage. I have to live a very

controlled and regimented life, because anything out of the ordinary sets me

off. It;s not fun and it's not easy and it hurts like hell.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > What is wrong with me? Please, God, I pray for a

solution. How can I heal from this??

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Does anyone out there understand? Is there any one out

there????

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Also, I have another friend who says that intimacy gave

her panic attacks for years, until she met her husband who is really calm and

gentle and patient with her, and has seen her in panic attack mode and doesn't

take it personally. I have yet to find someone who would have this kind of

patience with me. I also am not sure I want to put anyone else through the pain

I inflict when I am in panic attack mode or whatever it is (I say really ugly

things). It is like I am in fight or flight and I just get really defensive,

and people around me take the things I say personally, although it is not me

saying them and I do not mean what I say.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > I have yet to meet anyone who will put up with me. It is

a really really lonely existence. I can't live like this anymore, but I don't

know what to do!!!???

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > Help, please.

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > > BIG HUGS

> > > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>