Re: Friends and no-friends (was NEED TO VENT)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/27/00 1:36:01 PM Central Daylight Time,

rsross@... writes:

<< But, it is difficult to live with what has happened and not be able to

tell your friends: look, I am not the same person I used to be, and

this is why. >>

a,

Okay. I know I don't post much, but I felt a need to respond to this. We

had told almost everyone we knew that I was pg in 98. That meant we had a

lot of people to tell that I no longer was. And we even forgot to tell one

until he asked right before the due date if we knew what we were

having. We told our moms and my dad when I was pg in 99. My mom had to tell

my aunt when it ended the same bc they work together and she took off work to

come be with me again. And I later told her that I wouldn't mind if she told

my sister, bc she was really pressing on why they decided to drive 15 hours

to visit at the last minute. So those were the only people who know about

the second. Oh. And I told one friend. Now I wish I could just blurt it

out to everyone, and that's why I make no secret of it anymore. The

signature I use in here is the same signature I use in all of my email, to

groups friends and family. I don't just walk up to someone and introduce

myself with a mention of my babies. But if it comes up in a conversation, I

don't back down from it. Except once, when my cousin's dh asked me why we

didn't have anymore yet--totally throwing me through a loop. Luckily my aunt

was there and explained. And that is the exact reason I don't hide it. I

find that people are much more sensitive when they know what I've been

through. And some have questions, which I welcome. I see it as an

opportunity to educate them, and at least they are not trying to pretend it

never happened. As far as your friends who don't want kids. That is

fine,and it is their decision. But you have to think about the fact that you

will one day have children and these friends will have to deal with that

then. Yes, friendships will change when you have kids (with the friends that

don't anyway). As far as I know, they always do. My SIL says her friends

don't understand that she has different priorities now, and my friends

practically dumped me when I first got pg bc I wasn't as much fun anymore.

But both came around, and one is having her own soon. Anyway, what I'm

trying to say is, your real friends are going to understand that you want

kids, will have kids, and have an angel. Do you what you feel is right.

When you feel ready to talk about it, bring it up. Especially (and this is

to everyone) when people are being insensitive. Don't let them make you feel

like crap bc they don't care about others feelings, you make them feel like

crap for not considering your feelings. Then they will either learn, or

steer clear of you. Either of those is better than letting them torture you.

I hope I didn't offend anyone, but that is how I feel about this.

******Amy******

married to my army man,

mommy to earth angel (June 97)

2 angel babies (June 98 and July 99)

[Guest guest]

Thank you, Pam. I was really afraid of offending people. But I'm just sick

of having people be insensitive toward my feelings. I know how much it hurt

for me, as if the hurt from my losses wasn't bad enough. And, I may still be

unable to look at my cousin's newest son. But she's not rubbing it in my

face. I will have a conversation with anyone about my losses. It makes me

feel better to talk about them. It's another way of acknowledging they

exist. And knowing that others acknowledge it. My sister and I were on the

phone for 2.5 hours the other night (I think the longest we've continuously

talked in my entire 20 years!!) and we talked about my babies, and my

feelings when I lost them and my feelings now. I would just like to see

everyone here be able to have some peace with at least this part of it. What

we have all gone through is hard enough, why should we have this issue added

to it. I think it is a big step in the healing process. I feel so much

better just because I don't feel like I am hiding it anymore. But it's still

hard. Anyway, I'm glad I haven't offended you. Hopefully I haven't offended

anyone else either. And I really hope that at least one person finds my

words helpful or comforting, because that is all they are meant to be.

******Amy******

married to my army man,

mommy to earth angel (June 97)

2 angel babies (June 98 and July 99)

[Guest guest]

Pam,

I had to smile about what your friend did. It is great that your

grandparents are helping you out with IVF and that you have such supportive

friends. I know that it is a big help that I have people I can talk to about

it. And I very rarely get the dumb questions anymore, from the one's who

know me anyway. It sounds like you have a lot of really great people in your

life. Enough to more than make up for that one insensitive witch that keeps

bringing her insensitive @$$ around to tell you things. I think blocking her

email address is a good idea!!

******Amy******

married to my army man,

mommy to earth angel (June 97)

2 angel babies (June 98 and July 99)

[Guest guest]

Amy

I thought what you said was perfect!!!

Pam

[Guest guest]

Amy

You didn;t offend me at all. I agree you need to tell people. They

definetly get more sensative. They need to understand you are

grieving. You certainly know who your real friends are. Last week we

went to see Spirit of the Dance. Its like Riverdance. There was a pg

woman in our isle. Well twice she had to go by us. So she was

practically on top of us. AS soon as my friend saw her coming near me

she covered my eyes. This is one of my friends who doesn't want

children. But she fully supports me. My grandparents are going to

help us out w/IVF. My grandfather is 89 years old. I don't think he

gets it. Everytime he talks to me now he asks me how I am feeling. I

think he thinks I am sick. The first time he asked I was like I'm

fine. Meanwhile I am thinking why is he asking me this.The great

thing is if you just want to talk or cry I have quite a few friends

who are there for me. My friends are very excited that we are

considering adoption. They know I have been through so much. They

want me to be happy. It also helps because people stop asking you

stupid questions. Like when are you having children. Although

sometimes I feel like I have the plaque.

Pam

[Guest guest]

Amy

I can't wait to block her address. I would love to see her face when

she gets it back. Or when she e-mails my old address and gets it

returned. I agree I don't need her. So out she goes. Like dirty

laundry. I bet she will be divorced in the next couple of years. Bet

she wont be banging on my door to tell me that update.

Pam

[Guest guest]

Just thought I would jump in here. Everyone knew about my ep bc I had a

rupture and ended up having emergency surgery. Noone knew before, even me,

but how else can you exlpain a 6-day stay in the hospital. When people

visited me it was obvious that I had undergone major surgery. I was hooked

up to all types of tubes, catheterized and had to get a transfusion. When

you lose a lot of blood, you are unbelievable pale, so I truly looked like

death warmed over. My friends from work came to see me the next morning,

and couldn't believe the 24-hour transformation. Some people even cried.

And you know what, this made it so much easier. We did not have to keep

anything secret. And people were very sensitive to our situation, and a

lot of people learned something new that day. I didn't have to walk around

explaining what was wrong with me all of the time. And people at work were

very sensitive as well. I missed almost 8 weeks, and by the time I

returned, everyone was just glad to have me back.

Of course there were some who after time thought I should " be over it " by

now, but I just set them straight about my feelings. Even my " childless "

friends began to relate and over time started asking more questions. It's

funny, some them who swore never to change their lifestyle are now talking

about kids. You just never know.

Tara