Re: Re: confronting a weak fada

[Guest guest]

yes, I DO believe they are equally responsible/to blame for allowing the

abuse to go on !!

Jackie

You know, as I sit here reading these posts and getting a new understanding

of the dynamics of my parental units thru reading others and seeing the

similarity, they are such a total package deal. He helped create the monster

that she is - by well, allowing her to keep being so out of control and by

allowing her to make US (the kids) be the scapegoat and contributing to that

by never holding her accountable for her behavior - it HAS to be our fault.

She knows that if she rants long enough, he will step in and blame us as

well - which gives HER permission to keep it up...without one, the other

couldn't exist almost. he has to be thinking " Surely, once we leave, she

will be great. " then we grow up and leave and well, she gets worse (in my

case!)

The truth is, if HE had not been " co-BPD " as I am deciding to call it, she

wouldn't have had the space to do the behaviors because truthfully, any

man/partner in THEIR right mind would have left this sick and twisted

relationship LONG ago!

So, in some ways, aren't the men who are married to these BPD women almost

equally to blame for letting them run their crap on the kids? Aren't they

co-conspirators? Can one exist without the other? There had to almost be an

unspoken conspiracy in order for their relationship to exist - in my parents

case - for 58 years! (which btw, we are reminded at every single F'in turn!

lol.) My parents had the 6 year 50th anniversary. We started hearing about

it about 3 years before and it continued to wing itself into every

conversation possible for about 3 years after! It became the family joke

outside of their earshot. " clever how she managed to weave the 50th in that

time wasn't it? " response: " it's a gift " .

My sentence for the last few years: " it's not/can't be easy being a

narcissist, she just makes it look so easy " . (and now, knowing that she is

also BPD...she just makes it LOOK so easy!) It can't be fun tho. In the

end, this can't be a fun way of going thru life. ugh.

Such an education I am getting here so quickly. I AM not alone clearly.

Somewhere I read that narcissists and borderlines don't get help, it's the

people left in their wake that seek help! that be US!

later. be.

[Guest guest]

At 10:02 AM 05/25/2010 sleddog wrote:

>yes, I DO believe they are equally responsible/to blame for

>allowing the abuse to go on !!

Allowing abuse to happen and doing nothing to stop it is being

an accessory to the abuse.

That being said, I don't necessarily think all partners of nadas

and fadas are really aware of what is happening. I don't believe

my father had much of a clue about what my nada did while he was

out of the house. She was good at not letting him see the worst

side of her. And the things he did see, he managed to

rationalize into being something other than what they were. He

didn't want to believe that his wife was misbehaving because he

loved the person he thought she was. Her behavior got worse as

the years passed and eventually the things she did were too

obvious to ignore. That's when he kicked her out and divorced

her.

It is obvious to me from the stories that people tell here that

a lot of fadas see what is going on and do nothing about it.

That's not acceptable. A lot of evil is done in this world

because the people seeing it happen fail to act. The past

situation where mothers almost always got custody of children

may have made it hard for fathers to get children away from

nadas, but that's not an excuse for doing nothing at all.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

my father was in denial ...he refused to listen to us complain about how

unjust nada was or how harsh..sometimes he'd be reading his paper and just

go on reading with all the screaming and crying going on around him :-( so I

do consider him guilty as well

Jackie

At 10:02 AM 05/25/2010 sleddog wrote:

>yes, I DO believe they are equally responsible/to blame for

>allowing the abuse to go on !!

Allowing abuse to happen and doing nothing to stop it is being

an accessory to the abuse.

That being said, I don't necessarily think all partners of nadas

and fadas are really aware of what is happening. I don't believe

my father had much of a clue about what my nada did while he was

out of the house. She was good at not letting him see the worst

side of her. And the things he did see, he managed to

rationalize into being something other than what they were. He

didn't want to believe that his wife was misbehaving because he

loved the person he thought she was. Her behavior got worse as

the years passed and eventually the things she did were too

obvious to ignore. That's when he kicked her out and divorced

her.

It is obvious to me from the stories that people tell here that

a lot of fadas see what is going on and do nothing about it.

That's not acceptable. A lot of evil is done in this world

because the people seeing it happen fail to act. The past

situation where mothers almost always got custody of children

may have made it hard for fathers to get children away from

nadas, but that's not an excuse for doing nothing at all.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

it's not silly at all, ...we ALL need validation !!

Jackie

Thanks everyone for your advice. You pretty much confirmed my suspicions

that confronting my fada is a bad idea but I was hoping that I was wrong! I

completely agree with all of the comments on how fadas permit nadas to act

crazy and not self-regulate. I used to look up to my fada and now I have a

lot of anger about how he didn't protect us from nada. I know it's silly and

not necessary but I just want someone to acknowledge what happened! Like

many of your nadas, my nada had perfect behavior in public. Since my brother

has a ton of issues himself he completely denies most of my memories- even

the ones that were about him and nada. My therapist and friends validate my

experiences and memories but it's not quite the same as someone who says " I

know! I saw it too. "

[Guest guest]

Anyone who thinks it is okay for a spouse to force them into

choosing between the spouse and the children is really messed

up. That's not the way it works in mentally healthy

families. My father let himself be pushed into coming way too

close to doing that as well. It wasn't so blatant though and I

don't think it was a conscious decision on his part. He just

does what his second wife wants and what she wanted didn't leave

any time to spend with me for a bunch of years. I was angry with

him about it for a long time, until I came to understand that my

step-mother is mentally ill in a different way than my nada.

(Paranoia and depression are her problem. A change in her

medication eventually brought much improvement to the

situation.) His choices still hurt me although I've mostly given

up on being angry about them. To knowingly make that choice is

horrible and possibly unforgivable. To tell your child that

that's what you're doing is beyond my ability to understand.

At 08:55 AM 05/27/2010 C wrote:

>I totally can relate to feeling angry towards my dishrag dad.

>My NADA has the luxury of having something clinically wrong

>with her. My father? Not so much.

>

>As far as I can tell, he's completely codependant, has no self

>esteem and cannot seperate himself or his needs from hers.

>

>He told me once when I was 11/12 that one day I'd have to make

>a choice between a spouse and a child and he was making his by

>kicking me out (keep in mind, he had only been with his then

>girlfriend for less than a year, yet I was begging to stay with

>him because my NADA tried to kill me).

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

very well said, and i agree!ann

Subject: Re: confronting a weak fada

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 8:22 AM

 

You know, as I sit here reading these posts and getting a new

understanding of the dynamics of my parental units thru reading others and

seeing the similarity, they are such a total package deal. He helped create the

monster that she is - by well, allowing her to keep being so out of control and

by allowing her to make US (the kids) be the scapegoat and contributing to that

by never holding her accountable for her behavior - it HAS to be our fault. She

knows that if she rants long enough, he will step in and blame us as well -

which gives HER permission to keep it up...without one, the other couldn't exist

almost. he has to be thinking " Surely, once we leave, she will be great. " then

we grow up and leave and well, she gets worse (in my case!)

The truth is, if HE had not been " co-BPD " as I am deciding to call it, she

wouldn't have had the space to do the behaviors because truthfully, any

man/partner in THEIR right mind would have left this sick and twisted

relationship LONG ago!

So, in some ways, aren't the men who are married to these BPD women almost

equally to blame for letting them run their crap on the kids? Aren't they

co-conspirators? Can one exist without the other? There had to almost be an

unspoken conspiracy in order for their relationship to exist - in my parents

case - for 58 years! (which btw, we are reminded at every single F'in turn!

lol.) My parents had the 6 year 50th anniversary. We started hearing about it

about 3 years before and it continued to wing itself into every conversation

possible for about 3 years after! It became the family joke outside of their

earshot. " clever how she managed to weave the 50th in that time wasn't it? "

response: " it's a gift " .

My sentence for the last few years: " it's not/can't be easy being a narcissist,

she just makes it look so easy " . (and now, knowing that she is also BPD...she

just makes it LOOK so easy!) It can't be fun tho. In the end, this can't be a

fun way of going thru life. ugh.

Such an education I am getting here so quickly. I AM not alone clearly.

Somewhere I read that narcissists and borderlines don't get help, it's the

people left in their wake that seek help! that be US!

later. be.