http://www.stopcallingitautism.com/ HIGH TEN!!!Re:

[Guest guest]

I don't think anyone was really trying to tell Kerri what to do with her

marriage. I do understand everyones point though. But I feel Sometimes people

just need to vent, talk and get it all off their chest. I don't think anyone is

going to take someones advice and run with it and leave thier husband or make

him feel important or whatever. I think the point was maybe try to remember

what there is between you and your husband or wife. Me personally I think it is

very easy to loose ones self in the everyday stress. As it's true none of us

know exactly what the other is going through I don't think anyone means any harm

in saying anything or giving advice. Everyone has a right to their own opinions

and if they felt that's what advice they would give someone then they do have a

right to it. It's also Kerris right to make her own decisions. I don't know

Kerri but I wouldn't label her as a lemming. Again this is just my opinion on

these recent posts.

Kerri I think if you need to talk you should, and if you ask for someones advice

be ready to hear a response but I don't think you have to listen to anyone. YOU

obviously are the only one who knows whats best for your own situation.

>

>  

> >Read ASAP the book " the Secret " or watch the DVD with the same name,  share

it with your husband and you will have the very susses marriage. Never think for

divorce. Bad things happened 1,2,3 so  fast, and good things build slow, but

stay long. We all, more or less have  different problems in our life.

> >

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> >

> ________________________________

> From: and Marcia Hinds <hindssiteverizon (DOT) net>

> >To: ratlenhumaol (DOT) com; mb12 valtrex@ yahoogroups. com

> >Sent: Wed, February 17, 2010 9:47:35 AM

> >Subject: Re: http://www.stopcall ingitautism. com/ HIGH TEN!!!Re:

> >

> >

> > 

> >Kerrie,

> >It is important for you to reconnect with your husband or you will be doing

this nightmare alone and with less financial support.  Start treating your

husband like he is the most important thing ever and you care about him deeply

and complimenting him on things. (ABA works on husbands too.)  Sometimes this

makes you remember what you liked about him in the first place 

> > 

> >Guys are simple creatures.  A lot easier than us.  All they want is food,

sex and respect.  If you treat him with respect rather than anger even if you

don’t feel it, it will make him change and you will be amazed at the

difference in your marriage.  We all need to feel valued and loved.  I know

how hard it is when you are exhausted and you feel your partner is not doing the

best for your kid.  I used to have major issues with my husband and we almost

didn’t make it because of .  The stress was enormous.  But now I think

we could make it through anything and we did.

> > 

> >I am including the summary of a chapter from my book I am in the process of

writing so you can see how not alone we are in the issues of husbands and sick

kids.  I hope you and your husband can survive this.  Doing this alone would

be even worse than the fighting.  Call me if you need to vent.

> >Marcia

> >805 497-8202

> > 

> >Here is the chapter summary:

> > 

> > 

> >“Sometimes we are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucetâ€

~Author Unknown

> > 

> >

> >Chapter 11

> >Family Dynamics…Why 85% of the Marriages with Children with “autismâ€

End in Divorce

> >***Note: At the end of this chapter is a sidebar written by , ’s

dad. 

> >I talk to many parents from theNIDS list serve (an online group of people who

have loved ones with “autismâ€).  Originally this group started as a result

of Dr. Goldberg’s medical treatments for “autismâ€, but now not all members

are his patients.  The group has evolved and this discussion group covers

everything from new medical research to how to deal with schools and other

everyday issues associated with our children.  It is almost a support group for

parents. I read all the posts just in case I can help those still immersed in

the trenches.   There are some amazing people in the group.   They know much

more about the medical than I do and I have learned so much from them.   It is

funny how we can talk to each other about so many things we would never admit to

anyone else.  I think it is because we are all in the “A†club and

understand how difficult it can be living with our children.  We would die for

our kids and love them

> more than anything, but at the same time hate them for creating this horrible

situation in our lives. 

> >One of the biggest problems we have to face as parents is dealing with the

stress these kids put on a family and marriage.  There is a reason so many

marriages with our kind of kids end in divorce. 

> >The following is an example of a story a mom privately wrote me off list

retelling her frustration with all the problems in the family created by living

with a child with “autismâ€: 

> >“Tommy (changed the name) knocked over his dresser last night and my

husband lost it.  He called our son an idiot and a retard and he said he hated

him.  He said we can't have a normal life with him around.  He said all he can

do is eat and poop.  He can't even have a normal conversation. "

> >She ended the email with “Thanks for listening to me.  I know you

understand.  When your son used to bite your daughter, how did your husband

react?  I hope you have a supportive husband.â€

> >This is how I answered her:

> >“I do get it. There were many scenes like this in our house.  These kids

put a tremendous stress on a marriage.  We all lose it, even us moms.  We cry,

while men tend to get mad.  The difference was that when I lost it, I knew I

still loved my son.  But when my husband lost it, I felt like I had to protect

him from his own father.  There were times when he was too physical because he

was at a loss as to what to do.  In the early days when nothing else worked, I

even tried the occasional smack, although I never used this method on my

daughter.  Back then I was so frustrated I tried anything, even though it

wasn’t the right thing to do.  Although men are different from women, he

feels the same helplessness that you do.  Your husband doesn't know what to do

or how to help you or your son, so he reacts. 

> >We were usually at our best when we had a plan on how to do things,

eventually the plan would go out the window and we would have a scene like you

described.  We almost didn't make it through this hell.  Try not to hate your

husband too much after these times.  (Easier said than done.)  If you guys

survive this, your marriage will be strong enough to withstand anything.  Since

we made it through the tough years, we know we can overcome anything. 

Your husband is hurting as much as you are and feels he has to protect you

too.  As a result, he doesn't talk about his fears.  We can't talk about our

fears to them because they just get upset.  What a big mess these situations

with our children create.  Please call me if you just need to talk.  And if

your husband wants to talk to mine that's okay too. â€

> >Side Bar -- ’s Dad on Marriage and Family

> >I think there are several aspects to what a child with “autism†does to a

family.  First of all, there is the loss of the dream.  Every parent,

depending on what baggage they bring to the family, has a dream for their

child.  It may be the lead in the high school musical, scoring the winning

touchdown, or going off with friends to the prom.  It may sound unimportant in

the larger scheme of things, but you are crushed at the prospect of knowing that

you are no longer in a position to even hope that these things may happen.  The

doctors tell you that your child may eventually have to be institutionalized, or

at best, live with you for the rest of their life.  So you take your dreams in

smaller bites and don't look too far into the future.  You'd be surprised at

the joy you can find in small things.  He talked to a kid at school, he was

invited to a birthday party, and he learned how to jump rope.  Next thing you

know, you're dreaming again. 

> Maybe it's not the Heisman Trophy, maybe it's that he gets to play in the

marching band.  You can't keep going without the dreams, no matter how small. 

> >Even after you start climbing out of the abyss; it is not a constant climb.

   Two steps forward, one step back.  Sometimes two steps forward and three

steps back.  That is both frustrating and frightening.  But as long as there

is a forward step, there is hope.  And as long as there is hope, there are

possibilities.  Throughout middle school, high school and even today, has

an occasional meltdown.  But the difference is we have hope and there is always

forward movement. 

> >I find life to be at its most difficult when I have no plan.  Not having a

plan occasionally happens with all kids, but it is a constant state of being

with an “autistic†child.  What do we try next?  Auditory training,

occupational therapy, 3-D glasses (I'm joking about that, although we actually

tried them...), bouncing around from doctor to doctor, feeling that life was

completely out of control.  The missteps are frustrating.  However, it is

important to have a plan, even though you are always tweaking it.   

> > 

> >And then there is the resentment.  Who do you blame for this?  Who carried

around this bad chromosome?   Marcia's family is a little weird, but, wait a

minute, so is mine.  I found myself being very angry about this.  We had no

direction, my daughter was not getting the attention she deserved, and I was

angry at .  I smacked him when he misbehaved, and I see now that I was just

trying to get control of a situation over which I had no control.  It didn’t

work and it was the wrong thing to do.  I resented for what he had done to

our lives, and then I felt guilty for resenting this lost and innocent child who

was completely overwhelmed by the world around him.  And my progress out of

this was much like 's, steps forward and back.

> >I guess what I'm saying is that if you let the loss of your dreams and hope,

the lack of control, the resentment and guilt over the resentment take over your

life, you cannot make it out of this.  Life becomes a series of small bites,

small successes and hopefully only small setbacks.  When you come out the other

side of this, your family is better for it.  My daughter is a more generous,

giving, and tolerant person for having helped take care of my son.  My

wife will help anyone, anytime with anything.  As for me, I'm just lucky to

have them.   

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> --

> Robin Broyles

> rabroylesgmail (DOT) com

> H -

> C -

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