Guest guest Posted September 13, 2009 Report Share Posted September 13, 2009 Hello everyone, I posted this originally on Welcometooz2, but I think this site is probably more appropriate... I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but still...it makes my life miserable... My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic. The first time I realized something was different I was somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she mentioned how no other females liked her because she was pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to question her threat. Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to it was ok…(!!!!) It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low self-esteem?) She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive child/adolescent/adult. As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support her at all – to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking that it's like there were 2 realities – hers and the reality that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see that she was wrong with her version. These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything and I disagree with hers… Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk about that all the time. She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself on the correct subject. Any thoughts? -Purple Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 Purple - Well, if she isn't BPD, her behavior sure does mirror the way a lot of our BPD moms act - your description is almost a letter-perfect rundown of my mom's behavior - and although I've never had confirmation from a psychologist or psychiatrist, I believe my mom has BPD. The nice thing is, you don't have to have a diagnosis. If she walks and quacks like a duck, you can treat her like a duck. So - you can use all the collected wisdom in " the books " (Stop Walking on Eggshells, Understanding the Borderline Mother, and others you'll find listed here). And you can start governing YOURSELF as if she has BPD. This means you do not have to feel guilty about saying that you can't spend an hour on the phone with her several times a week. It means you don't have to buy into her version of reality. It's OK for you to put some distance between your emotional life and hers. If she's BPD, you probably can't fix her, and you don't have to feel guilty about that, either. Check out the DSM-IV criteria for BPD, read the books, hang around and read some posts here - the picture will probably get real clear, real fast. - > > Hello everyone, > > I posted this originally on Welcometooz2, but I think this site is probably more appropriate... > > I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but still...it makes my life miserable... > > My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic. > The first time I realized something was different I was somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she mentioned how no other females liked her because she was pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " > When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to question her threat. > Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to it was ok…(!!!!) > It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low self-esteem?) > She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive child/adolescent/adult. > As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support her at all – to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking that it's like there were 2 realities – hers and the reality that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see that she was wrong with her version. > These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything and I disagree with hers… > Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk about that all the time. > She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! > I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself on the correct subject. Any thoughts? > -Purple > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 Purple, That description sure sounds like BPD to me. A lot of us have similar stories about our nadas. At 05:21 PM 09/13/2009 purplethoughts55 wrote: >I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a >BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but >still...it makes my life miserable... > >My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was >an alcoholic. >The first time I realized something was different I was >somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she >mentioned how no other females liked her because she was >pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean >of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other >people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used >was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " >When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her >and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I >do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I >tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, >she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would >eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She >once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to >question her threat. >Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday >when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in >just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still >asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you >doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to >it was ok…(!!!!) >It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with >her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low >self-esteem?) >She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because >if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried >to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would >burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with >her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of >choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive >child/adolescent/adult. >As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, >either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to >go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about >trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In >her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support >her at all to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone >could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking >that it's like there were 2 realities hers and the reality >that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days >with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her >way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She >would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. >Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see >that she was wrong with her version. >These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the >end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background >because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on >anything and I disagree with hers… > Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and > are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming > the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am > doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me > " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my > life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk > about that all the time. >She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that >perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her >emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated >about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be >useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want >to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ >seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems >aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at >time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! >I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I >have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to >make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself >on the correct subject. Any thoughts? >-Purple -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 >Hi Purple, It sounded " very familiar when I read your post " . I just learnt of bpd around 6 months ago after what feels like a life time of misery. I read a lot of books on the subject and that is when I had the light bulb go on. I suggest this to you as you will definately be able to relate to the descriptions in the books and learn ways to set boundries and try to help yourself if Nada is bpd. As I have learnt it is impossible to change them so we have to change. Keep posting here and being kind to yourself it is a long journey as we all know but this will help you gain strength as we are all not alone, Take care, Kazam > Hello everyone, > > I posted this originally on Welcometooz2, but I think this site is probably more appropriate... > > I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but still...it makes my life miserable... > > My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic. > The first time I realized something was different I was somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she mentioned how no other females liked her because she was pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " > When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to question her threat. > Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to it was ok…(!!!!) > It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low self-esteem?) > She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive child/adolescent/adult. > As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support her at all – to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking that it's like there were 2 realities – hers and the reality that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see that she was wrong with her version. > These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything and I disagree with hers… > Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk about that all the time. > She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! > I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself on the correct subject. Any thoughts? > -Purple > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 Purple, You'd sure get my vote that your mom is either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD or a combination thereof. Keep reading - you've come to the right place. There's a wealth of information, support, and blessed humor. Know at the outset you're not gonna change her or likely ever get her to see that she's responsbible for her actions. You can, however, learn to change your responses to them. Be prepared - her behaviors will likely get worse as you start to set boundaries. You CAN DO IT, thought - many folks here that can attest to that. Good luck - and welcome. Suzy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 Hi Purple, This sounds BPD to me, but even if it is not your mother has something fundamentally wrong. At any rate, sounds like a personality disorder of some kind. is right, she acts bpd so treating her as such could only be helpful. My biggest advice is to find a good therapist. I feel this is KEY in your journey to understanding and dealing with this. And you've got to make sure it's the right one for you- therapists are not a one size fits all. Good luck and keep posting as you need to. We're here to help or at least commiserate.=) > > Hello everyone, > > I posted this originally on Welcometooz2, but I think this site is probably more appropriate... > > I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but still...it makes my life miserable... > > My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic. > The first time I realized something was different I was somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she mentioned how no other females liked her because she was pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " > When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to question her threat. > Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to it was ok…(!!!!) > It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low self-esteem?) > She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive child/adolescent/adult. > As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support her at all – to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking that it's like there were 2 realities – hers and the reality that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see that she was wrong with her version. > These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything and I disagree with hers… > Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk about that all the time. > She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! > I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself on the correct subject. Any thoughts? > -Purple > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2009 Report Share Posted September 14, 2009 Purple, yes, I'd say she seems BPD to me. There's a good bit of narcissism in there too but the bpd seems the stronger one because of the emotional age seeming so young. The willingness to use emotional blackmail and coercion to make the world agree with her - willing to go as far as harming herself in the name of that all speaks to it. What's your position now? Have you done any counseling yet or read the books out there? There's a great list in the files section. I hope you gather lots of support to yourself because I've found the clearer I see the situation the harder it is to be in though there are many on this board who've gone farther down the road and found some peace. > > Hello everyone, > > I posted this originally on Welcometooz2, but I think this site is probably more appropriate... > > I wanted your opinion on whether you recognize my Mother as a BP sufferer? She's not as abusive as folks in other posts, but still...it makes my life miserable... > > My Mom comes from a dysfunctional family where her father was an alcoholic. > The first time I realized something was different I was somewhere between 10-15 years of age. I noticed that she mentioned how no other females liked her because she was pretty. I remember this occurring a lot and thought " how mean of the other women " :-) When my Mother told stories of other people, they were always to blame. The phrase she often used was " God knows I am innocent in all this... " > When I was growing up, if ever an argument ensued between her and I, I was always to blame, a horrible daughter, how could I do this to her when she already had such a tough life?! If I tried to explain myself and get her to see my point of view, she would escalate to " I am going to kill myself! " , so I would eventually give up, apologize and admit that she was right. She once tried to take her own life, so I knew better than to question her threat. > Another example of her behavior took place during a holiday when my husband and I were visiting. She was walking around in just her pajama top and underwear while my husband was still asleep downstairs. When I pointed that out ( " Mom! What are you doing??!! " she called me a prude and got mad…until I agreed to it was ok…(!!!!) > It greatly upsets my Mother to know that people disagree with her. She will " work you over " until you change your tune. (low self-esteem?) > She once told me that nobody knows me the way she does, because if they did, they would know just who " I really am " . If I tried to visit my old friends upon visiting my home town, she would burst into tears, telling me that I should spend my time with her and thus making me feel guilty. Guilt was her weapon of choice with me. It worked because I was/am a sensitive child/adolescent/adult. > As far as I can remember, there was always chaos in her life, either in her friendships, at work, or at home. She's able to go from being totally depressed and crying to being happy about trivial things, like a purchase of a new piece of furniture. In her mood swings she goes from telling me that I don't support her at all – to telling me that I am the best daughter anyone could have. There's never an in-between. I remember thinking that it's like there were 2 realities – hers and the reality that everyone else is living. After spending a couple of days with her, I would be so brainwashed that I would see things her way. She would take a grain of the truth and run with it. She would manipulate it until it fit her perception of events. Then, upon coming back to everyone else's reality, I would see that she was wrong with her version. > These days when we speak on the phone, I am exhausted by the end of the conversation. I often cry quietly in the background because I am frustrated. She doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything and I disagree with hers… > Our talks last just under an hour, several times a week and are comprised of my Mother talking quickly, loudly and blaming the whole world for her misfortunes. She rarely asks how I am doing, always shoving her opinions down my throat, telling me " how it is " . She doesn't ask about my husband, my work, my life. All roads lead to her. She's the victim and we must talk about that all the time. > She refuses any attempts on my part to explain to her that perhaps she needs to join a support group to alleviate her emotional turmoil. She tells me that nobody is as educated about the issues at hand as she is, therefore it would be useless to get help. If I say anything which she doesn't want to hear, she simply yells and hangs up on me. Her emotional IQ seems that of a teenager in the throws of puberty. She seems aggressive at times, insulting at times, a total basket case at time, but " ALWAYS RIGHT " !!! > I know what I have to do. I shouldn't believe her insults.I have to educate myself and set boundaries. I just wanted to make sure that she was indeed BP so that I was educating myself on the correct subject. Any thoughts? > -Purple > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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