Merry-Go-Round of Madness

[Guest guest]

This is long, but I really needed to vent! Thanks to all who read and send

positivity my way!

She made me the center of her world. I was dressed in the prettiest outfits, my

hair combed and neatly parted with a colorful barrette to match the pom-poms

decorating my already dainty lace socks. I was a good child by nature, never

answering back.. always coloring within the lines. At the park I was made to sit

on a large blanket on the grass, and examine rocks, or read a baby book, for she

feared I would get dirty or fall and hurt myself. Isn't it ironic that someone

who I came to fear the most, feared for me? I did not drink the carrot juice

when I was three years old, and standing naked in the bath tub as my mother

pours this on top of my head. I remember being humiliated in my nakedness,

orange liquid dripping down my hair, and into the open crevices of my nose, my

ears, and inevitably my mouth, so that I was forced to taste the carrot juice,

regardless of my liking. We once recorded an answering machine message together,

in which I had to do over and over again because it wasn't good enough, you

don't sound happy , do it over.. You stuttered, do it again. And again,

over and over, until it was just right. Needless to say, I became a

perfectionist through grade school and excelled. My mom and I had a close

relationship (especially since a youngster wants to impress and pride their

parent) But it was one with no boundaries or secrets, as she told me everything,

and I told her everything because her paranoia required this of me.. I assumed

the role of caretaker and child, simultaneously. When she needed someone to

control and manipulate, I was there at her beck and call, knowing nothing else.

When she needed someone to love her unconditionally, I was also there so be

leaned on and for her to seek refuge and support. A seven year old child, and

counselor all wrapped in one. My mother always had an obsession with cleaning,

everything had to be spotless or else wooden blocks would go flying and beloved

dolls would be broken, as I incredulously watched my then 25 year old mother

throw a toddler-like tantrum in my play room. It wasn't until high school that

these objects started being tossed in my direction, but that's another chapter.

My mother raised me as a single mom, completely alone and didn't chase after

casual lovers the way that most people with BPD tend to. But because she didn't

rely on their love, meant even more attention lavished on me, with sudden bouts

of rage and anger when I didn't do something just the way it should have been

done, when it should have been done.. and these were minor shortcomings, petty

examples I can't even think of right now because the shortcomings were so minor

on my part. My mom never abused me in horrific ways: you always hear appalling

stories about children being burned by cigarettes, having their skin twisted off

with pliers. These things are sick, and I pray everyday for the kids to find a

way out of their situation.. But because my situation was never this bad, I

always assumed that parents were allowed to discipline their kids to steer them

in the right direction. But as I grew older, my mom's treatment toward me

worsened. She became physically disabled when I was nine, after the birth of her

son and my brother. She couldn't walk for two years, and I was her rock, her

legs, and arms (eventually she was able to walk again, but she still has a

laundry list of physical AND psychological disorders). She sang Celine Dion's

song to me: since the first day of my existence, but now even more so: " You were

my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak, you were

my eyes when I couldn't see, you saw the best there was in me, you stood by me

and I stood tall, you had my love, you had it all.. I am everything I am because

you love me. " And this felt great as a child.. to have someone adore you.. until

you become a teenager and fell short of her high expectations, whatever it was

... Maybe you didn't want to go to the mall with her or wanted to sleep in late,

silly things. So this made her mad and she picked up a high heel at you and

chucked it, you dodge and the glass window breaks. Another occasion, you make a

minor mistake and she takes your burberry glasses and cracks them in half, and

says you made her do it. Then you make her angry on another occasion so she

takes all of your jewelry and scatters it all over the lawn, so you spend hours

digging through the dirt and grass picking up the pieces. Only to realize that

your panties are in the back yard lying on the manicured hedges and your jeans

are in the pool. But you were a teenager so maybe you deserved it because you

have an pubescent attitude like any other adolescent in America, in the world.

And now the hurtful put downs start coming, you aren't the shining star anymore,

rather a selfish no good daughter, just like her selfish father.. But mom I'm

trying my best and you aren't appreciating or seeing the things I do, only the

things I haven't done yet. " How could you be so CRUEL to your physically sick

mother, you need Jesus to find some compassion because you are so selfish and

only think of yourself and then she calls me .. my dad's name ..

okay , (sardonically) your right MICHAEL... " And then an hour later,

let's watch a movie honey, I love you so much .. Me? Confused.. completely.

Okay so in high school I didn't want to go.. I was so anxious and depressed all

the time about everything, scared about the world.. didn't feel safe at home,

but also felt the need to protect my mom, and even though she sometimes lashed

out at me, there were times when we were best friends.. it was sick.. So high

school came to me, and I sometimes went to high school.. I didn't really know

how to make sense of the world, and wanted to sleep all day.. But I am a smart

girl, extremely gifted in language and the arts.. so I did work my booty off to

graduate the traditional way in the end..

When I went off to college I began to see that her manipulation was like a huge

burden lifted from my soul. I went to class everyday, and made friends. I

participated in activities and didn't have anyone berating me. It was wonderful.

So my mom was recently diagnosed with cervical spinal stenos-is, and her doctor

demands that she gets surgery right away.. The problem is that the surgery has a

50% success rate, and the other 50% chance of leaving her paralyzed. Of course

this was depressing to find out, so I left college to stay with my sick mom and

brother. BIG MISTAKE the medication she was on makes her BPD so much more

pronounced. Everything was an issue, and she became extremely violent and

abusive, but used the medication to justify her abuse and blamed me for being an

evil, selfish child who didn't come to help. So I was mowing the lawn and fixing

the porch when she TOLD me to clean the living room and kitchen, and I said I'm

out here mom, when I am finished with this, I will work on that. But she didn't

like that I didn't drop what I was doing.. and so it began.. she threw apples at

me, the brush at my face, and the remote.. anything she could grab her hands

on.. and out from her mouth came spewing all the curses all of the bad names,

names that still hurt no matter how I try to look at her clinically, it still

hurts.

She is extremely jealous and started bad mouthing someone close to me, someone

that she feels ruined her life a long time ago. But -- that still gives her no

right to insult this person, so I stood up for the person, and that was a

problem.. " How could you not have my loyalty. How could you betray me.. "

The bathroom sink was wet.. I didn't jump when she said to wipe it, so she

marched down the hallway, threw open the door and grabbed me by the hair and

dragged me to the bathroom. This is unbelievable, as I am a 19 year old young

woman, who is staying with my mom out of my own will.. she should not put her

hands on my body this way, and she justifies it by saying that I am selfish for

seeing the sink that way and averting my eyes to it, going about my day when I

know that it's WET. Maybe she feels like her life is spinning out of control,

and cleanliness and order keeps her feeling like a sane person? I don't know her

reasoning.. I don't care how much steroids a person is on to deal with their

physical pain, inflicting the same amount of pain on someone else is

unacceptable.

I sat in and Noble today and watched a young mother carefully brush her

infant's hair, clearly loving the baby, so tenderly. And I knew that my mom once

felt this way about me. And I wonder how it got to the point where she takes me

for granted, and always expects that I'll be there, even when she digs her nails

into my arm when she's upset or accuses me of stealing her possessions..

The best is that my mother completely refuses to admit that she has borderline,

even though she's the one who told me several years ago that her doctor

diagnosed her with it and even gave me a pamphlet on information regarding

Borderline Personality Disorder. She refuses to see a therapist, and says that

she is taking medication.. but this cannot be true because her moods are never

stable. She lies and twists the truth all the time, to trip up people, and guilt

trips me into forgetting why I was mad in the first place. She's always right,

and even though my feelings were hurt by her actions, I deserved the actions

because I am a selfish girl. I do not believe these insults, but they do take

affect on one's self esteem.

I tried calling a home attendant to help out in the house, she got mad and said

a good daughter wouldn't require a home attendant, that I am lazy and selfish..

First of all I am supposed to be focusing on school not being Merry Maid. Second

of all, how is she entitled to me giving up my freedom to clean like Cinderella?

Then I tried to call the physical therapist (because my mom is very overweight)

she binge eats (that's a compulsive behavior, another trait she swears she

doesn't have.) When I mentioned how healthy going to PT to get exercise would

be, she says that if she had a good daughter who didn't aggravate her and

motivated her to go, then maybe she would. Again, the fault is on me.

Now I am not saying that I was the best daughter when I went to stay with my mom

during those few weeks, I wasn't very chipper, and didn't jump at her commands

because I resented her.. and felt angry that I was falling behind in school and

she only seemed to care about the house and her needs and then calling me

selfish..

I ended up calling the police the day after she pretended to call the police on

me because I was giving her a " stroke and a sick woman doesn't need this

stress. " I felt like I was in a crazy house.. Here I have a disabled woman

barging down my door to confront me (there are no locks in her house, she

doesn't believe in them.. but to get away I think it's fair that I should be

able to go to my room.. not to mom, she just barges down the door and then

blames you later when her back is out..)

The reason for all the fighting is because I owned up and sincerely apologized

for my short comings on that visit i.e. even apologized for defending the person

my mom is jealous of knowing that the subject is a " trigger. " But because I am

not a door mat, I explained to my mom that she has to admit her abuse, physical

and verbal.. and she turned beat red, gritted her teeth and started telling me

off, again throwing objects at me, chasing me, my little brother is also

squirting me in the house with a water gun as all this is going on.. If you

watched Alice and Wonderland my mom is the queen of hearts, and I am feeling

like the Mad Hatter.

I often wonder why I feel like I'm floating out of my body, like I'm not in the

moment, just watching from outside of myself.. why I treat people so clinically,

there's little expression. Why I have such a hard time in social situations, I

really have to muster up a lot of courage to speak, or just get tipsy to be

comfortable in my skin: this is because my mother stifled my growth with her

unbearable control and manipulation, her impossible demands and cruel abuse, to

which she denies, denies, denies. As if it never happened that way, no, no, not

at all..

And it leaves me wondering if I am the crazy one, maybe I am the one who needs

to seek psychiatric help because I keep going back, expecting the result to

change. My mother way the one who taught me that the sign of an insane person is

the person which makes an action, knowing the outcome will be the same, but

expecting something different, and then when the outcome is the same, repeating

the action and hoping for a different outcome, over and over, a merry-go-round

of madness.

My mother is like the sun: too much exposure, or too close to the sun.. you will

surely get skin cancer, or shrivel up and burn.. Too little sun, and I become

vitamin deficient, lacking nutrients and nurturing from her abundant rays. So

that means finding a way to protect myself through sunscreen, and fear not

venturing out in the sun. If only it were so simple, to find a protective lotion

to apply to myself and then all of my mama drama would disappear and it would be

sun-kissed bliss.

I haven't found a remedy, I don't know how to deal with the BPD.. How often to

call, what subjects to avoid.. Should I maintain a superficial relationship with

her, and merely discuss safe topics like the weather and school.. Do I want

this, to have more emotional intimacy with my mail man that my own mother?

The other issue: and this was the doozie of the night.. I said over the

telephone that I think my little brother's therapist should know what's going on

at home. And she replied that it was horrible and vengeful of me to call the

police on her, ruining her name in the community, now the therapist is going to

take my bother away and put him into foster care if I do that, and I won't live

to see another day if I do this. So here's a threat to my life. She also subtly

hinted that she shouldn't go on and should take her own life, but I don't take

these false exhalations of suicide seriously anymore.. So my mom isn't

completely horrible, but I think that sitting down with a family therapist will

do everyone good, but she jumps the gun and thinks that this will lead to my

brother being removed from the home.. Bah. What do I do?

I was crying please get help, please talk to someone, please get reevaluated,

and she kept saying .. Say goodbye, this is the last time you will ever contact

me, you betrayed me... you betrayed me. The last time I physically saw my mother

was when I called the police because I was truly having a panic attack, and I

guess I was angry so I said I would destroy her.. I know I shouldn't have done

this because now it's caused a greater rift between us.. She spit on my face as

a left the house and I drove away in the police car to the hotel, a safe haven

before my flight elsewhere the next morning..

We both don't trust each other any longer. She feels that the reason she has

borderline personality disorder (YES SHE FINALLY ADMITTED IT) is because she was

ABANDONED.. but I think the reason why family, friends, and lovers abandon my

mother is BECAUSE she has BPD, not vice versa... I'm so sick of her using this

you betrayed me, you abandoned me, you are selfish, you are evil, you need

jesus, you, you, you...... MOM I AM A GREAT DAUGHTER, I AM NOT EVIL, I AM DOING

THE BEST I CAN AND IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, SO IF IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR

STANDARDS, THEN TOO BAD SO SAD WORK ON YOURSELF, AND STOP TRYING TO GUILT TRIP,

MANIPULATE AND CONTROL MY LIFE. I AM IN CONTROL OF MYSELF AND MY DESTINY!