Letting some more out

[Guest guest]

I pretty much went NC with my father a few years ago. Before I knew about BP.

One of the last times I tried to talk to him about the beatings, he got really

pissed. My mom called and started yelling at me " what did you say to him? Why

did you have to bring that up? "

My dad didn't hit me after I turned 13. That was fifteen years ago. But when

he did he would lose it, hold me down with one hand, and start slapping me in

the face. I remember a couple times when that happened he was screaming " YOU

THINK YOU CAN TREAT ME LIKE SHIT!? NOBODY TREATS ME LIKE SHIT!!! "

The times he didn't lose complete control he would hit me, a couple of times,

and if I cried, he would say " Don't cry. I said don't cry " , and slap me in the

face until I stopped crying. Only when I stopped crying could he would stop

hitting.

My mom once or twice pulled him off me, but then he turned his anger on her. He

never hit her, so she assumed he couldn't be that violent. Then the both of

them decided I was the reason they were fighting, and both blamed me. In the

future when I tried to tell my mom, she would say something along the lines of

you deserved it. At first, I could see she was holding back tears, and that

part of her really wanted to do something. It got easier for her to do that as

time went on.

Surprisingly, if it wasn't for the beatings, I never would have thought anything

else was wrong. The time my dad kicked me in the stomach, I thought " I'll hate

him forever and I'll remember this forever " . In retrospect the beatings were

the pinnacle of emotional and verbal abuse. One day I was the " best son in the

world " , and the next day " Worst son. Nobody else would do that!!! " .

I remember other things vaguely now. My dad would rage around the house

screaming " Nobody cares about me. Every one treats me like shit. " I would

sometime try to calm him down. Sometimes he listened.

My little brother doesn't remember much. He went partially NC before I did. I

notice now that as I internalize it was my dads shit, not a problem with me, I

too start to forget. It's like I'm no longer holding onto the things as much.

My dad is now just verbally abusive to my mom. She called last year crying to

me and considering coming over with my sister and staying with me. My sister is

still enmeshed in my parents shit.

My dad denies that the beatings ever occurred, except for the kick in the

stomach. He even gas lights things that are said within 5 minutes. When we do

see each other at family events, we are civil, and I put on a little show for

him so he feels. It's partly so he doesn't get angry and take it out on my mom,

and partly because I see, in his own way, he does care about me and wants the

best for me. He just has a mental problem he can't control. He's told me about

his childhood. It was traumatic. I can understand how he became BP. Living

with him, I know I nearly did. Despite this, I will often not answer the phone

when he calls. It doesn't feel good to talk to him and it feels bad not to talk

to him

The fact I no longer remember as much. It's like I have no evidence the abuse

ever occurred. I feel like my version of events will be questioned and

invalidated, unless I hold onto the memories of abuse.

I want to officially cut them both out of my life, but they sometimes surprise

me in a good way, and I want to give them another chance. I know better than to

do so, but I feel shitty about it.